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Exactly one year ago


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After living together here, my husband left for the States, so he could

-set up a home for us there (which he did, only with rather a loose definition of the word "home" - funnily enough I get a bit cranky living in the middle of nowhere in Arizona with no running water and heat in the dead of winter),

- so that I could resign my job (which I did),

- so that I could go over to meet my in-laws (which I did, with jetlag from hell)...

- so I could get miserable(which I did), cry and vomit everyday for nearly two months (did that too),

- so that I could eventually leave the US without him (did that)

- so that he could come back here permanently (which he didn't)

- and finally so that our marriage could turn into birdshit

- and so that my lawyer could chase him from state to state to sign a fucking subpoena so that I'm not married forever (this one's still in progress)

I need to stop going through the "one year ago" negative thinking. But it reminds me that I should be relieved to see him go. It reminds me that I was abused and lied to over and over again. But it doesn't help my still missing him or reaching over to his side of the bed at night. Why does my mind work this way? I actually cried when I signed the papers on my end. Our relationship is like an addiction - I can't get enough of him, but I know he'll manipulate and ultimately kill me if I let it carry on.

I'm trying to be strong, just not very successfully.

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I can't get enough of him, but I know he'll manipulate and ultimately kill me if I let it carry on.

Having been in an abusive relationship, well OK, more than one, I can tell you that getting counseling from a battered women's center is the way to go. And, no, you don't have to be physically battered to be abused or to get counseling at these places.

I was in group therapy with other women, and man, it really really helped me. I finally got the hell out of a torturous 4 yr relationship. If I hadn't gotten that counseling, hell, I'd probably still be stuck in it.

If you stay in it, the pain will never end.

If you get out, the pain WILL have an ending.

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Skittle,

Sorry to hear that you are suffering through this loss. And it is a loss, no matter how much of an asshole he was.

With loss comes grief. And grief ain't pretty. But like Libby said, there IS an ending.

And depending on how long yall were together, it could take a while to get over him completely and fully. Could take more than 1 year.

But it's NORMAL. I think anyways.

If possible, try and focus on what you have learned and gained from this relationship. I'm sure you have a much deeper understanding of what you want out of a mate now, and what warning signs to look for.

Keep on posting...and venting...we are listening.

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OH god. If anyone saw my last post before I deleted it please erase it from your memory. It was around 2am and I was determined to stay up and fight against my meds. Hence the excrutiating message I posted. ;) :embarassed: :) :embarassed:

But I really do thank you two for responding... if I ever recover from the embarassment I'll write more.

Take care

Skittle

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I didn't read the previous post that you deleted, BUT I think we've all been there done that. Really, don't be embarrassed. We're all drugged out in some fashion. Nighty-night meds can make us crazier. What a riot.

Anyway, I'm genuinely sorry that you've been through so much. I hope you find the peace you need and deserve.

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skittle I've so been there and done that. that stupid #%%^$$ did all sorts of inappropriate things to me it was horrible but you know what kept me smiling? KARMA. That bastard now has a wife crazier than he is. He works all day and watches his kids all night long while she parties,cheats on him, and spends every dime they've got. From what I hear he sleeps maybe four hours a day. HA! from tough Navy man treating his women like shit to whimpering coward. Apparently his father-in-law has(and all of her brothers) the shotguns ready just in case he even "thinks" about bailing. Hee hee wasn't fun then while I was going through it but it sure as shit is now.

think KARMA KARMA KARMA

Goddess Bless

lilie

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Thank you lilie ....Karma... yeah, and he should have remembered THAT with all his wiccan principles.. things coming back to you x3 and all that. Ohh why do I still love him? I'm lonely I guess. But I just have to focus on any one little detail of our life together and I take steps towards pulling myself together. Today's thought is he did NO work (other than playing around with some pics for a friend's website) over the whole of last year. I supported him and his needs/meds/EVERYTHING on my own salary and diminishing strength. v.convenient for him to have someone drive him everywhere, pay for all his meds, cook for him, clean for him, do his laundry, be his bedmate (actually the sex was good) and be the person to bear the brunt of the abuse, suicide threats, emotional manipulation and terror of being smacked about.

NOW let me remind myself why I still love him. I don't know, I just can't help it - it's a constant war inside my head. I have come very close several times to calling a halt to the divorce proceedings. People keep telling me how strong I am, but truthfully I'm not. If I were, then I wouldn't have gotten myself into this whole situation in the first place. One encounter with him and I was putty in his hands.

But enough of that. Libby, thanks for the advice about a women's group.. I'm going to look into it.

And thanks again all for reading and listening.

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Hi Skittle

Why do we long for a man who abuses us? I wish I totally understood this. I know this situation, unfortunately, and you've got my sympathy, for whatever that's worth. I'm sorry you're in pain.

I took abuse, too. Emotional, in my case. I'd give and give, just like you described, and then any time I brought up anything that was wrong with him, no matter how small, no matter how warranted, I'd be blasted, like a firecracker to the face, with self-righteous anger and a barrage of abuse, how it was all my fault, somehow.

I was the reason he was not making a living. I was the reason he had nothing to his name. How dare I suggest he was anything but sweet and kind, it was an *insult* to him to say that I was afraid to talk to him--as he's screaming at me that he is insulted by my fears. How whack. Then when I'd break down into a self-hating, apologetic, sometimes self-destructive mess, he'd "rescue" me with his love and affections, his apologies, his assurances that he'd be better...

Why do we put up with crap like that?? Why on God's green earth would we miss someone like that???

Loneliness, like you said. Who wants to be alone? But maybe it's also partially that we are so hard on ourselves...I need to speak for myself here...I think I lack self-respect too often...I would let someone treat me like dirt...it fed my bad feelings for myself...and then the rescuing part would feel good. So, so sick.

I deserve better. You deserve better, Skittle. You deserve love. Real love. Not some fake knock-off where someone treats you badly then tries to make it better with a bunch of hollow promises and "but I really Love you's" or whatever it is you got that tried to make the crap seem okay.

I hope you're okay today. I know loneliness sucks. But it's no reflection on you, that's for sure. It's just a moment in your life, that's all.

~Cat

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For me my stuff was also mixed with some childhood abuse stuff and stuff I saw from my parents. And can have to do with low self-esteem. the books codependent no more and men who hate women and the women who love them are two good basic books with good bits of info. Take baby steps and do whatever you have to do to keep yourself healthy. YOU'RE what's most important.

blessings

lilie

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I was the reason he was not making a living. I was the reason he had nothing to his name. How dare I suggest he was anything but sweet and kind, it was an *insult* to him to say that I was afraid to talk to him--as he's screaming at me that he is insulted by my fears. How whack. Then when I'd break down into a self-hating, apologetic, sometimes self-destructive mess, he'd "rescue" me with his love and affections, his apologies, his assurances that he'd be better...

sigh. yes, exactly.

I regularly woke up in the mornings to find barely legible suicide notes lying around the place. And it was my fault that he wrecked me by threatening to kill himself all the time. Similarly it was my fault for being scared of him and cringing when he was really angry. Nothing like being yelled at because you're scared of being hit. I have never, ever, apologised as much as I did during our marriage. EVERYTHING came down to me. My self confidence was in shreds and isn't so great right now either. I think it's going to take a long time to pick myself up again and really get on with my life. I bought into some bizarre charismatic soulmate dream world when I first got involved with him and honestly, I think it's a miracle that I got out.

He believes the whole world is out to get him. When he does nothing for himself, just relies on everyone for handouts. I could go on and on with hundreds of examples of how he broke me financially, emotionally and physically. Honestly, the only reason I managed to say "no more" to him was that it was over the phone and he was still in the States. I knew he had no money to get back here.

Jesus, he even got his first wife (who I had heard nothing but bad things about while he and I were together) to write and tell me what a wonderful, kind, gentle person my husband is. WTF? I mean, *W*T*F*?

Thanks cat and lilie...

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Hey, congrats on going thru with the split. That's strong, whether you recognize it or not.

My s.o. wasn't terribly abusive most of the time, maybe a bit persnickety, and she did think I was a criminal for about 3 days every month, but dumping me 3 weeks after my mother died probably counts as abuse. Anyway, it's now been close to two years since she announced her decision, and maybe 18 months since I moved out, and the emotions are MUCH weaker. Maybe yours will be much weaker in a few months, too. I'll admit that, perhaps because I'm a guy, the anger was stronger and the desire to go back was weak. I just kind of wished it had never happened and felt sad.

My s.o. wants to get together sometime and have some kind of "detente". But I don't know what kind of discussion I can have with someone I don't respect anymore. I hope, given your description, that you will feel the same way. Pity for a guy like this, maybe, but not respect. Just so you don't do something dumb because of the pity.

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My s.o. wants to get together sometime and have some kind of "detente". But I don't know what kind of discussion I can have with someone I don't respect anymore. I hope, given your description, that you will feel the same way. Pity for a guy like this, maybe, but not respect. Just so you don't do something dumb because of the pity.

Thanks Ido.. I do know what you mean here. Though I have actually lain awake at night tossing around the idea of calling him. I don't know what I would say, and it's probably what he's expecting me to do - go running back to him. He wrote to my lawyer saying he doesn't want to lose me b/c I'm the "great love" of his life. It's all so fucked up. I am really trying to hold things together in my head.

But yeah, once the basic respect has gone, then there really isn't anything more to be said. We're kidding ourselves (or rather I'm kidding myself) when we focus on the "good times" - the reason why we started the relationship in the first place. I tell myself that there had to have been something genuine and non-pathological about it, otherwise I really am a complete idiot.

As far as meeting your ex goes - I think you have the right attitude. I really don't trust the idea that we can remain friends with ex SO's. I don't see how a relationship can survive the ugliness of a breakup.

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We are both unfortunate in that department, but not all breakups are so ugly. My s.o. occasionally (very occasionally) speaks with her ex. I don't mind, since it's so clearly over. (over 15 years, I think)

Before my ex, I didn't really have any long term relationships, but if almost any of my short term disasters called me up, I'd be civil and I'd actually be curious what they'd been up to these many years. Most of them weren't ever cruel, either.

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