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do I have an ED?

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Okay, I am going to try and squeeze in as much as I can before the sleeping pills kick in.

anyway, I don't consistantly starve myself or purge or anything, but little "episodes" and problems with impulsivety and body dysmorphic.

I am 5-7. I try not to check lest I do it compulsively, but I am probably between 125-130. I hate this, I feel mushy.

Anyway, I have fasted, chronically dieted, trapped myself in portion watching calorie counting hell, and although I no longer take diet pills, I continue to abuse laxatives, although not as much as I once did (I use to spend an entire day confined to the toilet). however, none of this has been entirely consistant, just episodes spanning out over the past 10 years, and concentrations of episodes spanning at an average of a month at a time. body issues are pretty much the only thing that is consistant.

all the while between, I overeat-granted the foods I eat are usually much healthier than the average american's plate. that so far has been the closest thing to a compromise. but the guilt still trails...

I think overeating became a problem in my adolescence, when I took stimulants like ritalin and adderol to treat ADD. these meds made it easy to eat very, very little. on the weekends, I would splurge on everything, since I was off my meds, to compensate for 5 500 calorie days (or less?). not only did I become acclamated to this pattern of eating, but I began to use my medication solely to prevent overeating.

being off these meds has been very hard for me. 2 months after going off of them, I went from 110 pounds to 147!!!!!!!!

that was 3 years ago.

it has been trial and error for me, and I have had terrible eating patterns that have persisted, although I have never climbed up that high in weight since. Not to mention, it (body issues and obsession with food)is destroying my relationship, sexually speaking, but it leaks into other areas as well.

even hygeine. I don't bathe regularily or change my clothes everyday because I hate seeing my naked self, it causes me to shut down.

sometimes I just give up on all of this, even minutes at a time, recognize it as some petty bullshit society is feeding me, and me being a sucker for buying into it. When I think of how vapid it all is to really affect me as it does, that causes even more depression. I've never been a female stereotype. oddly enough, I use to be a radical activist-type. I've read a lot of feminist and anti globalist literature. etc etc (jeez I must sound like a hypocrite, but before you judge, just remember that there are pedophile priests, and most certainly molesting children is against their ethical protocal. at least in my hypocracy I can at least say that I haven't hurt anyone else) anyway losing that was like losing a religion. I'm too jaded now to believe in changing anything.

anyway, sometimes I use weight loss goal orientation to distract myself from all my other problems. like if I'm skinny enough, I'll be attractive enough to either carry a better fasad that I am without problems, or just be the "beautifully tragic" crazy person as opposed to the just your run of the mill crazy fucking psychotic fucking borderline schitzo problematic bitch. did I mention I am an artist? I am vulnerable to aesthetic, and aesthetic can be used in beguilling ways.

and sometimes, when I realize that it is all bullshit, that I am throwing my life away for no good reason, I use that as an excuse to go on a binge. and then, senna tea, fiber laxatives, days of restrictive dieting, as punishment.

I feel terrible, I came out to a friend about this, and I was ostracized. like I wasn't a good feminist or something. it just makes me want to punch a wall.

I'm going on cymbalta. I hope it doesn't make me gain weight.

but first I have to go to sleep.

jeez, what a great introduction. at least I am anonymous. :embarassed:

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from what you say it sounds like an eating disorder to me, an obession, something you need to work on as it is impacting on your everyday living and causing you distress.

i am not a doctor, or a know it all. but i have an eating disorder and am currently getting treated for one.

the reason people have them and the type of problem they have varies greatly. do not worry about your weight on the scales this does not determine wether or not you have an eating disorder, people with eating disorders come in all shapes sizes and colours.

friends are probably not the first people i would be confiding in, at this point i'd be looking for a doc a gp to start off with if u dont have a shrink. and going about it the medical way. that is just my opinion.

if u already have a doc i gather the cymbalta came from someone treating you, make it clear to him/her that this is a important issue for you and you need to address it as it is impacting on your functioning.

just my 2cents

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i think what you're describing would fall under and ED NOS. i've been told i have the same thing going on, but to a much, much lesser extent. mine will/would get that bad if not treated with therapy now.

like IV, i'm assuming that you have someone giving you cymbalta. you need a pdoc. find one if you don't have one. tell your pdoc about these eating and body image issues. you may be interested in zyprexa. Z is used commonly to treat psychosis, but also misinterpretations in the way we see our bodies and will help you to put on weight (I know it helped me to become dairy queen's best customer!). i'm 5'4 and vary between 110-150lbs depending on my current dysfunction, which right now is in ana range so i'm about 110, and i'm thinking about asking for a course of Z again to knock that shite out.

yeah, it is commonly used for people wtih body MI issues.

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