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The "I love you, I hate you" thing...


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I've been doing this for sooo long, its a habit... its almost like it comes for no reason at all, I go from loving and idolizing a person, to hating them, avoiding their calls... and ignoring them. I don't want to be like this, but I really don't know how to "cure" it. Has anything worked for anyone here? Are there certain skills that have worked?

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I find talking things over with someone neutral helps, often the switch comes when someone upsets me or challenges me and I then go from loving them to hating them. It's then that I need perspective from someone else to see that the person is not all bad, or all good.

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I used to go through this for years. I was finally told that when I met a person that was halfway decent(in my eyes) I set them on a pedestal. Loved their sense of humor, or problem solving abilities, or skills as a friend,sister, mother etc. I would love their ability to handle work problems or their ability to "fight" using words and understandable trains of thought. But the FIRST time they showed a weakness, "acted up", argued with "me", or did something that I thought I didn't like or didn't respect POOF that was it. They were down off that pedestal and in the gutter. I couldn't even look at the same way as before. Seriously if I thought they were physically attractive all of a sudden they'd be ugly. Then I'd cut myself off never to trust them again.

I had to learn that people are human and pedestals aren't perfectly all-the-time reasonable. Everybody screws up and has weaknesses no matter how wonderful you think they are. The fact that they have troubles in life is normal and to be expected it's not a reason to belittle or abandon them.

But its a fear thing for me probably from the past. Because once a person(in my past) showed what I called (their true colors) I would get burned. So I kept on thinking that. Now I'm to the point where I only have four real-life friends that I accept with all of their flaws, lots of casual friends that I don't worry about, I've eased off on my hubby (mostly) and I have lots of online friends(easier to control).

BUT I'm scared to death to make new "real" friendships for fear of my pattern. I know I need to accept the human qualities of people but I'm mentally interesting and therefore special so of course I want "special" friends which usually means them taking my bullshit 24-7 but me not having to endure theirs. But I'm an ass.

lilie

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  • 1 month later...

I do that all the time as well.

Sometimes I think a certain person is wonderful for this or that reason. Then when I find out something about them, eg. what they've said or done that concerns me, that I don't like, I'll be like "I'm not going to call/text them anymore for a while, I'm just gonna cut off contact for a while now.

Typical borderline thinking I think.

Another example that comes to mind... I lent someone a few of my favourite best ever DVD's, and every time I asked for them back (by text) there was some sort of excuse. After several attempts over the space of a week to get them back I text this person that if I don't get them back TODAY I will come to their house and get them. I swore to myself that once I got them back I'd never see this person again. A few weeks of no contact, and hey, I'd forgotten all about it and actually arranged to meet up.

It's so easy for me to want to cut off contact with someone just because they've disappointed or saddened or upset me. I say to myself that I never want to see them again. But before ya know it, I've forgotten the incident and they'll be in my good books again.

Normal or borderline???!!!

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for me, i'll idolize someone and think they're god's gift, only to become disinterested in them a bit later. it isn't even that they've done anything "wrong" or made me mad in any way, i just don't like them anymore. if it is a guy, i no longer want to go out with him. if it is a friend, i no longer want to see him/her. it is kinda weird that way. i alternate between idolizing someone and thinking they suck, and they don't even have to do a thing for this switch to occur!

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I think for me, it's hard for me to tolerate the grey in between the black or white extreme, it's tough for me to handle the fact that someone might be in between good or bad because good and bad are such rigid concepts for me. It stresses me out if things are ambiguous or muddled and I would rather just run away than tolerate and deal with it. It is one of the things I am learning about in therapy, to tolerate the grey without running away.

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  • 3 months later...

I used to do that all the time. Someone could really not be that great, oh but i thought they were god!...for a little while...then anything they did would suddenly make them look really ugly, then i'd think they were really stupid.. until they rejected me for rejecting them..then i loved them again..

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I used to do this a lot. I find someboy and put them on a pedestal. But if I find any defect no matter ho big or small and I run for the hills. Now, I keep all of tha emotion bottled it up and God only knowa why, but I sabotage the relationship in many subtle ways. Then somehow I can rationalize that it wasn't my fault and ha! No emotional attachment. Or at least I superficially think so. On the other hand, it hurts me in different ways and I take it out on myself.

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