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I actually ran away from a guy yesterday.


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My bf's and I were at a bar last night, and they were ripping on me for always having guys come up to me with bad pick-up lines. I was defending myself saying that they came up to me, realized I wasn't that cool, and ended up talking with my friends. One of my friends was kinda bitchy because it sounded like I attracted them because I was pretty and then I passed them onto them. She doesn't go out with us that much. My other friend defended me by saying that she always ends up talking to them all night, because I pull back since I don't know how to talk with people, and she's cute and has the personality.

Other friend was still bitchy. And she knows I hate my looks and think I'm not that interesting and hating talking to guys. Then she saw me in action when Guy comes over, "Hey, my friend's got thing for you. He wants you to go holler at him." (?) I shrank against the window and let my 2 friends with personality take over.

And then I RAN out the door. What the hell is wrong with me?

I don't this to sound petty. I don't think I'm pretty. Other people think I am. What happens when I'm old and really ugly? I get pissed off that no one bothers to find out if I have any intelligence in me. I kind of gave up talking to guys at bars, because once they found out I wasn't who they thought I was. Maybe that's why I gave up.

What am I supposed to do?

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Hey JBella

I'm really not sure what to say... other than that your "friends" don't sound like they actually are. I don't think bars are particularly good places to meet people; there's a hell of a lot of pressure and it's all about sex and looks and making sure that everyone sees what everyone else is doing... it's a great big parade. But maybe I'm just getting old... I remember that scene and shudder. And it definitely definitely has nothing to do with finding out people's intelligence and personality. It's about being picked up, boasting to friends, getting laid and feeling like the bottom of the pit the next morning.

DON'T let their bullshit rent space in your head. You ARE intelligent and caring and you deserve more. I - obviously this is just my opinion and you don't have to listen to me - would take some serious breathing space from these people who call you friend, then laugh at you. You deserve much much more than that.

I'm starting to rant here, so I'll stop. I'll just add that I realise all this is easier said than done, just because of the whole party scene at university.

Just keep remembering that you ARE worth more. Everyone here would second that.

Skittle

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I think the impulse to run out the door was good sense. If that bar is populated by guys whose idea of a sophisticated pickup matches what you describe here, don't go.

Maybe if you were hanging out in one of those bookstores that also has tables and serves food, you'd meet guys you really wanted to talk to.

Is my memory all messed up, or do I remember that you were studying to be a singer (opera????)? Maybe you should walk up to guys at intermission at musical events or something.

Bars select for people who like to drink. Not sure that's a good direction to be going.

I think your opinion of how attractive or unattractive you are has a lot more to do with your emotional state than with how you actually look, tho I'm sure you look better on good days.

If you want to be recognized for your intelligence, then find places that attract people who like to think. (Not necessarily Mensa, if they're always like the few times I went to one of their things.) Lecture series (lots of cool stuff open to the public, now and then, at MIT, if you keep track. For instance, I once attended a presentation on German green architecture there. Lots of info I'd never come across. ) Or, decide what kind of person you'd like to meet, and then write a challenging personal ad directed exactly at that person. Worked for me.

Not everyone who's old is ugly, and even if they are before you interact, lots of people just don't seem ugly after you spend time with them. Endeavor to be the kind of interesting and thoughtful person that others want to talk to. At least, others who are paying attention.

edited:

OOPS! Minnesota? My memory is worse than I thought. You're probably studying to be a bush pilot or something instead of an opera singer. (I seem to recall a guy I knew was formerly a bush pilot around there.)

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What on earth is a bush pilot? I'm studying Scandinavian languages and the art of ice fishing. ;) Just kidding. People here talk funny (me included) and I hate cold weather.

Mensa. I went to one Mensa event to check it out, and I thought I was socially inept and egocentric. Yow.

"DON'T let their bullshit rent space in your head. You ARE intelligent and caring and you deserve more. I - obviously this is just my opinion and you don't have to listen to me - would take some serious breathing space from these people who call you friend, then laugh at you. You deserve much much more than that."

I guess I don't have any real friends. That kind of sucks.

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ohh sorry JBella. I was ranting when I posted and didn't mean it to be taken like that. Unfortunately that is what the party scene is like at university. I wasn't suggesting that you have no friends. Perhaps just that you bear in mind that you're worth more than you think when you find yourself stuck in those situations.

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That's ok. I don't go to a university like that. I go to a non-traditional college where the average age is 35, everyone has jobs, and 1/3 of the students have kids.

I've been friends with my 2 best friends for 21 and 12 years. It's only lately that we've been pointing out each others', um, personal issues.

And I'm really sick. It's probably partly why I'm so oversensitive and ornery. And said college is on my list of things to destroy after the federal government, the Iraqi war, and hunting of innocent animals.

I'm now completely apathetic to any romantic relationship whatsoever.

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What on earth is a bush pilot? I'm studying Scandinavian languages and the art of ice fishing. ;) Just kidding. People here talk funny (me included) and I hate cold weather.

Mensa. I went to one Mensa event to check it out, and I thought I was socially inept and egocentric. Yow.

"DON'T let their bullshit rent space in your head. You ARE intelligent and caring and you deserve more. I - obviously this is just my opinion and you don't have to listen to me - would take some serious breathing space from these people who call you friend, then laugh at you. You deserve much much more than that."

I guess I don't have any real friends. That kind of sucks.

A bush pilot flies little planes into places where, if he (usually he, not always) was wiser, he wouldn't. I seem to recall that the movie "Never Cry Wolf" had some classic bush flying scenes in it. I especially liked the pilot's discovery that his passenger had loaded the canoe carried below the plane with many cases of beer, just after aborting a takeoff when the plane wouldn't climb right. My friend owned a Cessna 206. (Might carry 6 people or so.) He was trying to sell it, I think to pay tuition. I went with him to, I think, Orange, Massachusetts, where he demonstrated for use as a parachute jumper's plane. To come down faster without shock cooling the engine, he threw it over into a 60 degree bank. Window on left all ground, window on right all sky, and I swear the horizon looked vertical. Felt heavy too. Spaghetti wanted to come back up but I didn't let it. Anyway, I think he used to do things like go into tiny, rough airfields with hunters or something. You'll find the most bush pilots in Alaska, since they have lots of towns with no roads that go as far as the next town. I could go on, but that's probably more than you want to know.

Hope you feel better soon.

P.S. If you are forced to hang around ice fishing, use a snow shovel and an ice auger to make a pool table. Also, if the ice is very thick, get the other involuntary attendees together, set up a course, get in your car, and go ice racing! (One car at a time, against the stopwatch.) Great fun. The funny thing is, I have a strong impression that the ice fishermen don't like it either, or else why would they have to drink so much beer?

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Hiya-

i understand wanting to run for the door! i believe we all have a built-in radar that detects unsavory people and blocks them for us. that guy had a lame pick-up line to begin with, was hanging out at a bar anyway (not usually, but sometimes, an ok place to meet men), and just didn't seem right to you at that time. don't question that sense you have. you're not a weirdo or loser for believing in that sense. i wish i'd believed in my own sense more often- it would have saved me stalking situations and other issues i've had to handle. i've had just "feelings" about guys that turned out to be dead-on, that i wish i would have respected looking back on it!

even if you didn't feel the creeps, making for the door is a sign that you didn't like him for some reason adn aren't ready for a relatinship, with him or maybe with anyone. you want out. the door is literal!

maybe i'm too tired tonight and i'm reading into it, like my junior high english teacher had us read into plays, but i really think there's more to this than a few ladies at a bar.

bottom line- respect your feelings, don't feel pressured, think about how you really feel, and be ok with how you really feel. go after what you want, not what other people make you feel like you should want.

loon

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i always used to run out the door, even if the guys werent jerks i normally would freak out with fear that once they talked to me they wouldnt like me. so i just kept running away to the point where i no longer go out anywhere i can meet people. it sucks. i know i am not ugly, and i can sttract people, but i dont have enough self esteem to think they could like me for anything more.

learn to stand there and talk to the guys, and if they are wastes of space let them know u arent interested, dont keep running or u will end up with no where to go.

good luck to you, i wish i could be more helpful to you

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