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UGH.

I feel empty.

I feel that tugging saddness underneath it all, even though I can put on my facade and appear absolutely fine in my interactions.

What. The. FUCK.

I mean, I try SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard to prevent depression.

I do all the shit I know I need to do to take care of myself. Friends, exercise, good sleep, good eating, talk therapy....and yet still underneath it all I feel it trying to creep in.

Some might say...oh just take more medication. Whatever it just feels futile today.

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Theres a lot going on not just in your personal world but in the world around us that can definitely make us feel that way. Maybe up the meds,unplug the phones(if you even deal with them) and do mind numbing fun things around the house (play solitaire, eat your favorite munchies, put on your favorite records, keep the tv on the cartoon channel, read trashy novels) until the sense of emptiness goes away. I hope it does for you.

Lilie

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Hiya-

This probably isn't what you want to hear, since you sound like you are interested more in non-medicinal solutions, but perhaps more meds/a higher prozac dose could be the answer.

the reason? my theory is that our meds bring us up to a place where all those other things that we do can kick in better and help us more. it is hard to bring yourself up when your problem is a seratonin issue. yes, exercise is key, but if you're already taking care of yourself, chances are you need more of a kick than what you're already getting.

I wish I had more answers. Being bipolar I've been through the "what if" ideas of perhaps trying alternatives to my meds, or at least cutting down on them. I think I take fewer ADs because of taking care of myself, and probably have fewer hospitalizations (already at 5 though), but overall I know I need meds.

Depression is a real, organic brain disorder as you know. There is no shame or failure in taking meds. They correct a chemical problem. I know you know this. There is really only so much you can do without meds to help yourself. After that, why torture yourself? I know a lot of depressed people who take more Prozac than you, and several add more AD drugs to what they already take. I know I take a pharmacy of stuff daily.

i hope this helps, even if it isn't entirely what you're looking for-

Loon

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i don't think depression is anything you can block completely. some of us are just very susceptible. you shouldn't beat yourself up for having it come back. it sounds like you are doing a lot of positive things for yourself. is there anybody you could talk to that would understand the depressed feeling, or at least allow you to discuss what keeps creeping back in? a lot of the times, all this depression conversation is strictly in our heads -and we might fall into the trap of assuming other people understand, but it only becomes real if you talk to another person about it, and mention all the specifics.

i don't know if that made any sense at all or not. you don't have to try so hard though. depression is gonna come when it wants to come, just make the most of the happy moments, and try to talk to people about it instead of just letting the same conversation take place in your head.

(maybe i'm just trying to talk to myself about strategies i need to employ) i hope you feel better

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Thanks for the support you guys.

Really.

I mean, I guess I just get so frustrated and discouraged because it seems like NO MATTER WHAT I DO, I'm going to go through another major depressive episode. No matter how well I'm taking care of my body and going to maintenence psychotherapy, MDD is inevitably looming in my future.

WHY DOES STRESS HAVE TO BE SO DESTRUCTIVE TO OUR BRAINS?

WHY WAS I BORN WITH THESE GENES THAT "PREDISPOSE" ME TO "MENTAL ILLNESS"?

I swear I've gotten so much awareness through therarpy, and I feel like I've worked through so many repressed traumas from the past...

But it seems like all this work I do, I'm still going to experience dark times. And that is not something I look forward to.

I hate the feeling of not having CONTROL. And the fact that major life stressors can trigger the abyss, well that just feels like its out of my control.

I actually did end up calling a close friend last night and talking about my woes, and it made me feel much better.

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I know it sucks the Mind I call it riding the wave because you know that they're going to always come and go. I've given up any semblance of having control screw it ;) But it DOES get better. The thing about surfing is that for every wipeout theres an awesome rip curl. I'm glad you're feeling better.

Lilie

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I hate the feeling of not having CONTROL. And the fact that major life stressors can trigger the abyss, well that just feels like its out of my control.

Girl, I just can't help but think maybe you might be entering a new phase of processing your trauma from a few months ago. You *know* that's going to take a long time to assimilate (notice I did NOT even come close to "get over")

The fact that you have had so much therapy and tools in your kit can be a double edged sword. And you know I know it.

Keepin' you close, I'm sorry you're hurting. Look at your thread title again. I think it's interesting you use futile in the title and "why" a lot in the actually posts you've made in the thread. The "why?" thing is about as futile as it gets.

I'm just now dusting myself off from yet another episode of MDD. Yeah, it sucks, big time. But don't make decisions about drugs and such on your own, okay? Its such a slippery slope. Are you still seeing a therapist regularly? I hope so.

You've been so helpful to me, I hope I can return the favor. I'm listening.

Love,

S9

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TM -

Your sig says your DX is MDD... have your pdoc and tdoc considered the possibility of Dysthymia as well? The combo is called "Double Depression" (you probably already know that) and even when the MDD drops off, the Dysthymia lingers like a constant low-grade mental ache. Regardless, your question - Why? - can be answered two ways. You are beset with this because your brain suffers from an imbalance that is still poorly understood. But I suspect you're asking the other sort of question: the existential kind. Unfortunately, we can only reply "Because." (Variations include "Life's a bitch".) If you take a spiritual view, you may contemplate why some higher power chose to lay this on you. Some will say you chose this as a life challenge, and others will say you rolled snake-eyes in the Great Cosmic Crap Shoot.

None of that matters. What matters is that you're working hard to not let it hold you back. It may not ever go away completely. You say that MDD is inevitably looming in your future. You also say "yet another episode, meaning you've had at least three. From there, as you know, you have a very high likelihood of another episode. After four, it's more or less a sure bet. I'm there too. I've been told in no uncertain terms that I'm a lifer on my meds.

On the other hand, you may finally lick it. And this assumes that science doesn't finally conquer depression. I'm betting that what medicine produces in the next 10? 15? 20? years will make our current treatments look like phrenology. So, there's plenty of hope.

In the meantime, you have to live with it, and that means continuing to work hard on therapy and challenging your pdoc to leave no stone unturned until you get relief. I know the process can sometimes seem futile, but what you're actually writing here is that you feel it coming. That means you're not underneath it now. Why not? Because you're doing all the right things with the social contact, exercise, sleep, diet, and therapy. Now is not the time to give up. Look that oncoming gloom in the face, raise your hand in defiance, and say, "I see you, you filth. I see. right. through. you. There is no way you're sneaking back in here. Forget it. I'm stronger than you, and smarter than you, and you can go take a long walk off a short pier."

Hold on, and talk it over with all of us here when you need reenforcements. We're listening.

Cerberus

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Thanks lilie, S9, and Cerebrus.

I truly value the support I get from here, and feel guilty about it at the same time. I have no problem supporting others, but accepting it myself is hard.

S9 - yes, the recent sexual assualt (not calling it rape yet) is ONE variable that is a major stressor. How long does it take to completely quit feeling guilty?

And boyfriend relationship issues are also fairly stressful too.

And YES, YES, YES Cerebrus, you are right on about the existential questions I'm asking. I'm always amazed at your perspective as it always seems to be right on with my own.

I feel like I have an adequate understanding of the neurochemistry aspect and actually love studying that...but that doesn't really help me with WHY.

I guess when I can look at my life objectively...my major depressive episodes have given me the ability to relate to others who are suffering when I pull myself out of it...and it has fostered a deep compassion within me to want to help others, hence my current career choice.

But at the time of deep despair, it just seems like a total fucking curse.

I love CB. And I am so glad it's here.

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