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a little introduction


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Hello - I've already responded to a few posts with my $0.02 & experiences, so I figured I might as well post a little introduction to who I am. I just turned 26, am from near Boston, MA, female, work as a tech writer, live with my fiance & two cats, blah blah blah. I've been dealing with depression and generalized anxiety disorder for awhile but hadn't started seeking treatment until 2 years ago.

2 years ago, my anxiety ruled my life. I was terrified of things that now seem really ridiculous and was having somewhat regular panic attacks. That was when I first went on ADs...I went on Celexa for anxiety & depression and noticed a huge improvement in my anxiety. After about 2-3 months I felt like I could function so much better - I can hardly believe how I used to live. However, about a year ago, I started to sink into what has become a very deep depression. I don't really get it...sometimes I'm functional but most of the time all I want to do is lay on the couch or in bed and stare at the ceiling - or if I'm really motivated, play mindless puzzle games on the computer. My doctor & therapist have worked together to try different things - I did an 8 week CBT program, added Wellbutrin to my Celexa, started more intensive talk therapy, but if anything I just feel worse and darker before.

The weirdest thing, to me, is that things should really be going well. I have a great job, I'm getting married in October to my boyfriend of many years, I have a comfy (but messy) home...etc. I feel like I have a lot I should be grateful for but all I can think about is how I just can't stand to live the way I live. I'm not happy with myself, I don't really enjoy doing things much anymore, everything makes me angry, and I feel like a burden to all of my friends because I have trouble having fun or having conversations that aren't totally self-centered. I feel like I just live in this dark cave inside my brain, and I can drag myself out, but never for long.

A big part of my long-term issues is also weight & food. I'm pretty overweight, and have gained extra weight lately mainly because I've started waking up in the middle of the night and bingeing. I used to "always" be on some sort of a weight loss program - had been on Weight Watchers for 3-4 years until I realized that I was trapped in a cycle...1 week of getting excited about the program, 1 week of following it strictly, 1 week getting frustrated & half-assing it, and 2 months of falling off the wagon and bingeing and hating myself and wallowing in my own hopelessness.

At this point I feel like I can't try anymore. I can't bring myself to try WW or any other diet / health program again, nor can I try & force myself into any other regular life routines like following a budget or a cleaning/chore schedule. I used to do these things to force myself to keep up. But it's like I've realized that I'm going to always be one step behind, and trying to force myself to catch up and keep up on things is completely useless.

So...I guess that's basically where I'm at and who I am right now. I know that somewhere underneath the crap was someone who found life interesting and someone who aspired to write zombie novels and have fun in life. But ... meh. This turned out super long ... sorry.

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Hi Tastybrains, (love the screen name....too funny)

Sorry the depression monster has a hold of you. While I am not a doctor (nor do I play one on TV) you saying that you don't have a reason to be depressed but are is a big clue that your brain chemicals are out of whack. It sounds like you are getting treatment and making changes...it just may take a while to find the right med combo for you.

Are you following through with your CBT stuff? My husband's therapist used to give him "homework" all the time. When he was in the dark pit of despair, he never wanted to actually do it...but then he would make himself get up and exercise or fill out his worksheets and then he would feel better...even though he hated to admit it.

As far as the weight issues, I can understand. I have been battling the bulge my whole life. I am 40 pounds overweight despite the fact that I exercise for 1 hour 6 days a week, have drastically changed my eating habits, etc... Realistically, I may never lose the weight...but I am healthier now than I have even been. Healthy has replaced skinny as my goal. For you, I think the healthy part needs to start with your brain. The body can wait a bit while you get that part worked out.

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hey tasty brains,

good introduction. welcome and all that. i can relate to a lot of what you said. once you get the anxiety under control, it often feels like the depression is what stays with you. no medicine is going to be the magic bullet, and you shouldn't feel discouraged or like there's something wrong with you that you're still depressed. these meds alone simply can't make you 'undepressed', and often with the ssri's they just leave you in that sorta content, motivation-less state where you really can't figure out where your issues are coming from. but i wish you luck. it sounds like you've got a lot going for you, and just wanted to say, hello, welcome aboard etc. hope to hear more from you

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