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i have started seeing a really good doctor. one who really understands BPD and all the issues i have with it.

my problem is my head is a mess with therapy.

i always knew something was wrong

now i know what is wrong, well some of, the black and white thinking, the self injury, the suicidal thoughts, gestures and attempts, the eating disorder, the internal and exploding external rage etc etc.

but i am getting SO frustrated cause OLD habits die hard, as the saying goes and i am lucky to go 2 days with out having a massive attack of one of my symptoms, or becoming that anxious about life in general that i want to crawl up into a ball.

my doc says i can get through this in time.

at the moment i kinda want to go in-patient. just so i dont have to deal with all the other stressors of life while i learn to live with and deal with BPD. but i know eventually i have to come out and face the big bad world. where i seem so small and my problems seem to be getting BIGGER and BIGGER.

the gap between my emotional age and my chronilogical age is growing by the day.

So where do i go??

im seeing my p-doc in 2 days. any one got suggestions, i love the doc, the therapy. i hate the drugs. so much so i am only on a mood stabliser for my bipolar. i cant stand the weight gain from all the anti-psychotics and anti-depressants.

but i feel i need to slow my thoughts.

any feedback would be great.

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this is something you really need to talk to your doctor about.

if you feel that in-patient would be the absolute best thing for you, then maybe you should give it a try, you know?

in regard to the drugs, you can't always stay away from all drugs that might actually help you. all drugs carry with them possible side effects. sometimes people gain weight and sometimes people don't. If you refuse to take meds, though, for that one reason and you have found that nothing else that you are willing to take helps you, there is really nothing you can do drug-wise. sometimes you just need to try certain drugs. just bc it says that a side effect is weight gain, doesnt mean that you will... you have to weigh the pros and cons. If you are doing poorly, it seems like you really need something to help you and should give some other drugs a try maybe. you can monitor your weight while taking it and see what happens, but don't shun them completely. you are denying yourself help.

some of this stuff, though, is stuff that only you and your doctor can discuss and decide.

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Iona...

Ophelia is right- this is all stuff to talk to your doctor about, because he's the one who will know best.

Again, I don't know your situation and how severe it is, aside from what you post here. I can't feel what you feel inside, and if you think you need to go inpatient, then that may be the best thing.

But I can understand why a lot of people are ambivalent about hospitalization for people with BPD. You said,

just so i dont have to deal with all the other stressors of life while i learn to live with and deal with BPD.

But... that's not really possible. An integral part of BPD is the way that you interact with the stressors of the world. It's easy for me to do things like not think in black and white and not make grandiose suicidal gestures when it's more theoretical- when it's in a place set away from the world. This was a big problem for me in therapy- I could come in and intellectualize it all and start to understand it and practice or whatever... but as soon as it got into the real world, it wasn't happening. I wasn't saying any of the crap to myself, etc etc. I was doing the same stupid stuff.

Again, I don't know your exact situation. Your immediate safety is the most important, and if you think that you need to be in a hospital for that, then that's where you need to be. If you think you need to even just take a couple of days to chill out, and you think the safety of a hospital will provide that for you, then that makes sense to me, too. But I just think that you'll only really be able to learn to manage BPD while still being involved in the world which causes a lot of the reactions, if that makes sense.

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thanks for your reples.

i went to my p-doc today and spoke with him about all this. he is very concerned cause we are having to have appointments weekly at the moment and i can only go about 3days with out calling him in "crisis" mode.

we cant figure out what is triggering this crisis at the moment as my doctor likes to call it. he said the best treatment for me is talk therapy and a lot of it, but that i need to face the reality that i am in need of medication at this point because my safety is at risk.

he gave me that talk about how if i dont get this self injury and suicidal thoughts under control he will commit me to the hospital, and not the nice private one i was in last time, but the public one for 72hr observation, he said something about how he can do that if i am at risk of harming myself or others through the courts. He wasnt being mean, just making a point that if i need to go to hospital i need to tell him and not act out to get there, if i tell him he will admit me to the private hospital.

i know i cant hide from the reality of the world and BPD im just struggling at the moment and i cant control my acting out as well as i have in the past.

im about to start abilify as well as my bipolar meds so hoping this might take the edge of and settle me down.

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*hugs*

I hope things improve. Sometimes I have needed short voluntary stays to get my head together and get through a suicidal time. There is no shame in needing a short rest to gaether strength in facing the storm.

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