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It all really started years ago with the paranoid neurotic stuff. I have always been wary of people, they have turned out so bad for me mostly. It started with friends really, some time in the mid 90's. We would have friends over or go out to see them and I would come home or wait until they left and have an entire break down. Certain that I had said something wrong or been weird or what ever...I would spend hours asking poor Andrew if I did,said, something wrong, disecting every detail of the visit and being just frantic that I had missed the "wrong" action, word or other oddity and that the friend in question was, angry, upset or secretly thought ill of me. Then it became a complete paranoia that Andrew was in a horrible wreck and that I'd never see him again. I would be totally frantic until he got home. Then I started drinking. Just a little really. A glass of wine while I paced and waited for my sweetie, or a nip of brandy to steady my nerves when doing anything social. Then my Mum died and I really started drinking. When I didn't drink, I'd hear my Mother calling me and asking why I could never come see her. My stomach got bad and I got really deeply depressed. My doctor put me on Effexor XR and I started hearing faint, but changing music...like a radio on someplace too low to hear exactlly what was playing, but just the type of music that it was, if there were vocals I could hear the voice and gender of the singer, but not the words...it drove me mad. Some where along the line other weird things started creeping in....I would be in a good mood, the spring sun was soft and warm (for instance) and all was ok...I was half drunk and taking Effexor, but holding my own...suddenly the world around me would suddenly seem threatening. The soft sunlight would become harsh and cruel...everyone seemed to be looking at me and I'd run and hide in another bottle. Several Aprils ago, the voices that I had always thought of as an inner monologue started becoming separate pieces of me. What had always just been my very active imagination was now threatening me or asking for a more glamorous life or crying in the corner sceaming "make it stop". I remember in a fuzzy haze trying to get my BF to listen to me, and then drinking two glasses of wine and crying. The next thing I knew ;):) I was screaming and wrestling with my BF for a knife, I was bleeding and he was calling the sheriff :cussing: So begain my downward spiral. I quit the effexor after some ER person told me that a lot of people heard music while taking that med...I drank harder...stopped seeing friends altogether or only when I was drunk. Everytime I'd try to stop the panic attacks would get worse. I had managed to stop for over six months, but gave in after accidently meeting one of my childhood rapists at my Grandmothers funeral. I would have periods where there was just wordless screaming in my head. I made it off Alcohol for another few months started to start missing time. Ended up in St.Joseph's psych ward where I was dx'ed with a bunch of stuff...the nurses there told me that Dissociation was pretty normal and I should just try to deal with it along with my panic disorder...later I was dx'ed with PTSD and told that I was not having anything weird, that all PTSD people went through this and that the dissociation, ghostly smells, sounds etc were merely flashbacks...This time since I have quit drinking, I have started hallucinating full time...voices outside my head and inside my head...don't EVEN ask how I can tell the difference. The voices inside my head seem to be some how a part of me or maybe not, but the noices, voices, sights and smells that are on the outside as I precieve them, are not . I answer the phone to hallucinated rings, the door to phantom knocks...I know that this will all get better...it's just like I'm dreaming, but awake. Probably some extra seroquel will help or something. Right now I'm stuck in limbo. Waiting to see any professional that I can get in to see, so I'm talking to nobody in particular. We are not supposed to make our own assumptions as to what is wrong with us. I think for the most part the doctors would be the happiest if we were in complete ignorance and had to rely on them for whatever amount of information they felt like disclosing to us as to our diagnosis. I'm becoming really bitter with the mental health profession and finding it harder and harder to trust them. I'm tired of being dxed with this disorder or that and treated for that one disorder until someone else dx's me with some thingg else, in which the old dx is abandoned and I'm treated only for the new dx. God only knows what they'll come up with this time, schizo-something, DID, brain tumour, wild imagination a spanking and sent home with a lollipop?...and what of my panic disorder, and the PTSD? they'll be tossed into the nearest corner and forgotten...sorry...I'm angry and bored with being played hot potato with

Just curious, for those that this applies to, how did it all start with you? tell me how you deal with it? pretty please???

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I don't have any real advice or tips Panz...

However, I just wanted to say, that what you described sounds VERY scary, and you must be an extremely strong and brave person to have gone through all of this.

I can understand your frustration with the diagnosis. But for now, the next doctor you see should focuse more on your SYMPTOMS than labeling you.

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my psychosis is so blended in with my ptsd that i often don't know what is what.

i was the victim of childhood abuses of all varieties. i was in foster care at times, sometimes for the best while my parents received treatment, and sometimes because i was taken from them for my own protection. i'm surprised i was allowed to stay with them at all.

the worst was being sexually abused by one of my mother's live-in boyfriends. when i came forward and told my teachers in school and the whole thing went to social services, my mother beat me until i took it all back. she beat me until she broke a kitchen utensil across my back. the most major of these abuses started at the same time i was DXed with bipolar disorder and GAD, and of course later with ptsd and psychotic bipolar disorder.

now i have hallucinations in both depressive and manic episodes. i hear voices talking to me and about me, usually helping me through the tough times. usually they have a running commentary on what i'm doing and tell me what i should be doing.

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* hugs * Loon, we seem to have been through very much the same kind of crap at times. Thank you for posting to me...it's being pretty scary out here on the edge, not knowing what is what.

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Maybe this is a question to take a poll on (I don't know how to do that) - how many people with psychosis have been, or are, victims of sexual abuse? DD joins the ranks of you two....molested by a stranger and then victimized by incest. She has PTSD all over the place but doesn't admit it....afterall, an admission of that would make her "weak". Sigh...hugs to both of you for your admission and willingness to work through it. I know my dd will, too........when she is ready.

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I started with magical thinking in my late teens, which turned into delusions in my early twenties, then visuals, then auditory and ol factory (sp) hallucinations then catatonia. deficits and disorganisation came in there somewhere too but i can't remember when.

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Im not your average. I started with negative/disorganized symtoms as a young child; 7 or so. by the time i was 12 auditory/visual hallucinations, and large amounts of paranoia and delusions at 14. im 18 now, with all of the above, with now including a mood disorder.

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  • 3 months later...

My 20 yr old son had been smoking huge amounts of cannibis which was always a battle for me as a mom. The stuff out there is way stronger than stuff that used to float around in the 70's. That part of it makes me wonder. This past week he had a bad respiratory infection and was actually coughing up black marijuana resin looking stuff (gross....sorry) and he has not smoked in 8 weeks. Anyhow, it is ironic that week before he had this psychotic break that landed him in the psych unit, I had seen a magazine ad that claimed marijuana smoking can trigger schizophrenia. Leading up to hospitalization he was quick to express anger, was sleep deprived and did not eat much. (He drug tested neg. for meth, etc. Pos. for cannibis) He had a hard time dealing with breaking up with a girlfreind. I couldn't do anything to console him. He had a high stress job doing phone sales. He had never done this type of work before and the first week doing this he was #1 out of his co-workers. We also dealt with a tragedy in my workplace this year in which 6 of my co-workers were shot and killed by a woman who had mental illness and was not compliant with her meds and was drinking, etc. (My heart goes out to her because I realized she must have been tormented beyond belief) It wasn't my time but my son became fearfull of what happened. Doc says he's Schizaffective but maybe a little PTSD? He is doing very well after being out of the hospital for 6 weeks so far. Every day he makes improvements. Takes very good care of himself and besides having some anxiety for which he takes an occasional Ativan, you would never guess he had this type of challenge going on. Have not seen one bit of anger from him. Says he is not hallucinating, etc. He wants to go back to school. In a lot of ways he is better than he has ever been.

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  • 3 weeks later...

My 20 yr old son had been smoking huge amounts of cannibis which was always a battle for me as a mom. The stuff out there is way stronger than stuff that used to float around in the 70's. That part of it makes me wonder. This past week he had a bad respiratory infection and was actually coughing up black marijuana resin looking stuff (gross....sorry) and he has not smoked in 8 weeks. Anyhow, it is ironic that week before he had this psychotic break that landed him in the psych unit, I had seen a magazine ad that claimed marijuana smoking can trigger schizophrenia. Leading up to hospitalization he was quick to express anger, was sleep deprived and did not eat much. (He drug tested neg. for meth, etc. Pos. for cannibis) He had a hard time dealing with breaking up with a girlfreind. I couldn't do anything to console him. He had a high stress job doing phone sales. He had never done this type of work before and the first week doing this he was #1 out of his co-workers. We also dealt with a tragedy in my workplace this year in which 6 of my co-workers were shot and killed by a woman who had mental illness and was not compliant with her meds and was drinking, etc. (My heart goes out to her because I realized she must have been tormented beyond belief) It wasn't my time but my son became fearfull of what happened. Doc says he's Schizaffective but maybe a little PTSD? He is doing very well after being out of the hospital for 6 weeks so far. Every day he makes improvements. Takes very good care of himself and besides having some anxiety for which he takes an occasional Ativan, you would never guess he had this type of challenge going on. Have not seen one bit of anger from him. Says he is not hallucinating, etc. He wants to go back to school. In a lot of ways he is better than he has ever been.

Smoking marijuana doesn't cause schizophrenia, it may exasperate a pre-existing condition... but doesn't cause it. Also, I highly doubt he was coughing up marijuana resin... if he had some sort of respitory infection he was probably coughing up bile (or whatever that dark, nasty stuff is that comes out when your sick).

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with me it all swtarted with an acid, i've dropped an acid, felt going completly crazy to the point of laying down and almost closing my eyes, when everything calmed down i've started hearing people's voices and with time everything(or almost) you're talking about, it was total desper (of desparation(i'm not english)). At the begining i tought it was the acid high, and trought one year and a half i thought it was drugs, except for heroin and cocain i was doing them all, acids, ecstasy, speeds, ketamyne, whatever. Then i had a really bad trip, and i gave up drugs. It was worse, cause i wasn't doing them anylonger and voices, paranoya and everything else kept coming on and on and on, then i started mentally shouting and doing everything i could to shut them up, now i talk and live them really, it's the only way, i tryied evrything and every medicine, they don't really go away anyway so ... ( it's not a bad life, go along with them, analyse religion, choose what's the best for you, do the paths, don't refuse, see how it feels like and choose one. Be carefull with death, it's kind of depressive, help others in need, it helps, try solving out the questions. In Portugal we use to say " what has no solution solved is", what i'm saying is, if voices are not going away try to live with them.

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I had a psychotic break in 2003. I'm not sure what led up to it. I guess work was stressful. It might have crept up but it seemed sudden. I was having visual and auditory hallucinations when I went to see a pdoc.

I had gone to pdoc in 2001 for anxiety and he diagnosed me social anxiety. I don't think I had any symptoms then.

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Its hard to pinpoint the exact start of my disease. My official major depression and my eating disorder started when I was 14. I was hospitalized in the psych ward the first time when I was 14. But I had no psychotic symptoms then.

I always from the time I was a little kid was unhappy, antisocial, paranoid, etc. I also have PTSD from childhood sexual abuse.

I had my first break from reality when I was in the military at age 18. I remember some chaplain trying to talk to me and I remember him saying to me "private if you werent' about to get out on a medical discharge (back injury) you would be leaving on a psychiatric discharge becuase you arent' making a bit of sense to me."

But even after that no one wanted to say the big bad schizophrenia word. I was DX'd for a while with Bipolar II or just Unipolar Depression depending on which doctor I saw.

Then I started to get increasingly more and more paranoid. I coudlnt' even keep a job because I was so paranoid about my coworkers. Thats when my psychologist had me take the MMPI-II becuase she thought there was something mroe along the lines of Schizoaffective Disorder going on. The test confirmed her suspicions. That was when I was 19. That same year I was hospitalized maybe once or twice.

Then when I was 20 I started having command audio hallucinations telling me to kill myself. I had those for several months before I actually attempted suicide. I made a very seroius attempt and spent three months in the hospital afterwards. Thats when they really locked in the diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder Depressive Type.

Now I'm much better though. I'm pretty stable on my meds. Ability is a lifesaver. So is Cymbalta. Other drugs may vary but as long as I stay on those two I seem to stay stable. I dont' hear voices anymore. For the most part I'm not depressed. I have depressed moments but I'm not a depressed person overall. And I'm not paranoid. So yeah I'm functioning.

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  • 2 years later...

How it started with me?

I was 15 and my family life began to break apart. I then had strange behavior. Began to skip school. Would find everything really hilarious. I found myself wandering around just laughing at stuff.

I then began to get mood swings of some sort. I would be depressed and then would have moments where everything seemed to have colour, and I would want to be social and happy, but only for an hour. Then i would go back to being depressed.

My family became really screwed up and my behavior just unravelled; I would act sort of disorganized, hyper. I did not have hallucinations, just a sense of myself disintegrating. I felt majorly depressed and anxious.

At age 22 I became delusional and depressed. I had some sort of thought that I was psychic, and then followed by some pretty delusional grandiose thinking, coupled with severe depression.

Right now I get phobic and anxious, and wonder if it is another episode slowly brewing in the works. I am in CBT and on no medication. It feels like I can't trust my thoughts. Like Panz, I feel like I sometimes get very worried and dissect my own behavior- if it is "proper" or weird.

It feels like the residual effects of my moods some days....

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I was in my early teens when I started thinking about ways to kill myself. I was always weird and kept to myself, even talking to myself. I used to think that I had a double that was invisible and always behind me. I thought that I wasn't a full person and that I took parts of others to make myself appear complete.

Later I started getting thoughts of hurting others. These thoughts were not just thoughts, but they were commands to hurt my family and others since I needed the blood of others to make me complete. I started relieving my frustrations on myself and my family's animals because I didn't want to hurt my family but I wanted to be complete. My family no longer felt safe around me anymore and they urged me to seek treatment, which led to my first hospitalization. I really didn't want to hurt anyone but I thought I had to.

That along with radio conversations and strange sights completes the gist of how things started with me.

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A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away there was this person known as me. I was at school when I was 13 (thousands of years ago) and I was constantly bullied. This brought on severe stress related problems, eventually leading to a psychotic breakdown. I started hearing voices and seeing people chase me and had nightmares. It was a scary time. After I was pulled out of the situation, everything returned to normal for awhile. I believe it was "brief reactive psychosis" back then because I didn't have it long enough to be schizophrenia even though the doctors called it "early onset schizophrenia" because I was just 13. Once I moved to Washington State (I lived in Oregon before), I didn't have symptoms of psychosis again until 23. From there, each episode became worse and worse and my current episode is the scariest in my life. I've heard in chronic schizophrenia (ones who have constant long lasting episodes) each episode gets worse. The current episode started in October of last year and I have been deteriorating since. No treatment helps, in fact I am treatment resistant. It works for awhile and then stops or with my Moban it actually caused me to hear voices more often so the pdoc had to lower the dose and eventually get me off of it. At the end of this month, he is planning on putting me on an old antipsychotic but I don't remember which one. All he said it causes you to LOSE weight because I told him I refuse any med that has weight gain as a side effect due to the fact I gained between 60-80 pounds in 3 years from the anti psychotics and anti depressants. I can't gain anymore weight unless I want to become so obese I can't move and come down with diabetes. No way! Now I feel these things that feels like snakes slithering on your brain but they ain't snakes, but rather big machines around my brain. Then there are the "nanobots" which are very small and they are all over my body. I also have a bomb in my neck and feel that. I see the FBI agents when they uncloak and they only do that to prove they are in my house. Then they cloak again. These government agents can go through walls. They have a satellite armed with lasers and it shot at me once (I saw this thing come from the ceiling that was either the laser from the satellite or blood I don't know but I'm leaning toward the laser and it was literally one inch from me so I could have died) and once the gov came in my house and used laser guns to shoot at me with. They are 200 years ahead in technology, so of course they have laser guns, time machines, and captured alien UFO's. I have seen these UFO's myself flying around my house or where ever I go. Also, the gov follows me because I see people and then they disappear right in front of my eyes. The transformation of becoming a robot is slow and painful. But all of this is real, but I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder anyways so that is why I post here a lot.

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I can't remember exactly when or how. Honestly though, whenever I heard or saw something weird I told myself that it was a spirit of some sort, but now whenever I think about it, that would be very unlikely even if I believed in ghosts. I was around 15 when my stuff started making trouble for me though. I though physical and mental disabilities where contagious, had a dream about a man with bright blue eyes in a black Chevy Tahoe stalking me - which in turn made me freak out everytime I saw a black Tahoe, and made me see guys with bright blue eyes everywhere, thought I was predestined to be on a spaceshipwhatever and my science teacher knew it - as did a guy that worked at the airport, so I stalked him, also because he seemed oddly familiar although I had never met him or thought I'd seen him "before". Even tried get his name my calling his boss...."errrr...what's the name of that tall skinny guy that worked friday night. He reminds me of dungeons....., anyway, I have a package for him, so I need his name" ....yeah, guess what, didn't work. I called him Clyde after that though. Then there was a lot of other stuff and episodes, but this is pretty much the earliest odd things that I remember fully. I also had a horrible depression when this was going on, where I could fall asleep in the shower. I've also always been overly nervous and anxious.

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