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I'm afraid to tell anybody


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ok, after dealing with various degrees of psychotic symptoms for the last few years, I'm desperate to find out what is "wrong" so that I can move on and find peace with myself. I am quiet certain that there are two different things going on. One set of issues Inside my head and out side my head. The people that I don't recognize talking about me, sometimes toome, the sound of people walking and talking in my yard the phantom ringing phones and knocking thumping is all part of my paranoia of being confronted by people I think. Having my space violated having nowhere to run or hide. This "outside" catagory also include, being kept awake by flashbacks of my rapacius great uncle and his damned cigars, which I smell. The fire that almost killed me when I was little, smelling things burning or being hot. the feeling of being smothered in bed and paranoia about what people are REALLY thinking or saying about me. The weird wailing sounds, the phantom music, trains, crashing glass etc. all are precieved as being outside of my head/body and lead to frantic bouts of hyperaware neuroticness. The two "guys" that keep saying things like "She won't be here much longer" and "watch this, I know how to really freak the fat bitch out" these guys always seem to be about 10 feet from me. I cannot see them, and I cannot run away from them, but they mind torture me with sickeningly detailed memories.

The inside stuff is mostly various voices and personality archtypes. There is the psycho bitch, who always gleefully tries to get me to hurt myself or just puts me down day in day out, there is the mistustful voice that always believes the worst and has got me quite terrified of trying to explain this to anyone or try to get help, she and psycho are just telling me over and over that no one will believe me and that I'm just going to be labled a faker and humiliated. There is the glamour girl who wants her nails done, wants to dye my hair, wants to lose weight and goes on wild drugged to the gills shopping trips to junk stores and yard sales and buys things I cannot even wear, because they are sexy or pretty. She spends money like it were free time. There are others...the young girl who believes in magic and that ANYTHING is possible...ignore facts, close your eyes and leap into the voide, fate will catch you. There is the one who only speaks in limited words and concepts....there is the crybaby....I am having problems believing in "Other personalities"... Im afraid...I have no real way to explain this to anyone. The inside crew that I want to not believe in (sounds waaaaay too crazy) has gotten me too spooked to go for help. What if they don't believe me, what if they are mean, there are mean doctors there. What if they laugh. Scoff and say it's just the alcohol withdrawals, lable me a fake or a hypochondriac...I need help, but I'm too chicken and scared... I've got everything from frightened children crying and begging me not to go to the nasty one laughing and saying "go ahead, make a driveling fool out of yourself, no one will believe you...stupid" . I'm pretty cowed by all of this right now.

I don't know whats going on, but I know what I'm going through...I'm really upset, but cannot bring myself to try and explain this to a professional....I'm most afraid of dissociating, and not coming back.

Sorry for the melodrama. I'm not suicidal, just upset and confussed at the moment...trying to not let the psycho talk me in to a bout of SI...stupid stupid stupid, I really hate this and don't know where to turn

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Panz, are you on the maximum amount of Seroquel yet? If not, ramping it up seems like a good idea to knock out this psychosis.

If I remember correctly, Chimpmaster (here on cb) is on 1400 mg of Seroquel for his psychotic symptoms.

I had a paranoid psychosis that lasted for months, so I can relate to your pain. The pain needs to stop, and Seroquel can do it, I think. You don't have to keep suffering like this.

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I think zyprexa does too. just print this out and show the doc. also you said you smell burning things? when was your last regular medical checkup? have you ever had a ctscan? whens your next pdoc appointment? can you call or to er?

lilie

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You can always ask a doctor what he or she thinks about the multiplicity gift. Some don't believe in it and some do. Some try to medicate the voices away and you can see if that works or not. Depersonalization happens with psychosis so meds might help that too. I'm always afraid of not being believed, but I find most doctors to be supportive. Depends where you go for help. For psychosis see a pdoc who is great with meds and see therapists for the internal dissociative stuff. It's hard to seperate the issues so ideally any person you see should be helpful for both.

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Panz,

I am still frankly stunned that you are not getting adequate treatment.

It seems to me that the majority of your symptoms are hallucinations and delusions. Hearing voices and sounds are not dissociative.

We aren't diagnosing here, but considering they go on week after week, for months, it would seem to be beyond anything associated with a bipolar mania and really essentially schizophrenic which can be treated best if the pdoc can diagnose it.

If you are not telling your pdoc about ALL your symptoms, then you have no hope of getting better. If you could fix it on your own, you would be well.

Did you follow up with the Pdoc like you planned last week? Do you feel the need to go to the hospital?

be safe, a.m.

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usually i ramble a lot, and sometimes responding is hard to do...

but i think i should

the differences between what is a dissociative disorder, a schizophrenic/schizoaffective disorder, or a psychotic bipolar disorder seem to be kinda cloudy, huh? throw ptsd in there and it seems like some fun alphabet soup.

i'm going to stick with my original opinion on this- you are not getting the treatment you need and deserve. in my experience, the way i've personally been able to force the issue and get treatment has been to go to the hospital. it forces them to treat you.

don't be afraid to do it. i've done it 5 times, and each time it was necessary and i was glad i did.

in my experience, zyprexa has been the strongest anti-psychotic agent there is. that stuff is heaven for crazy people. they make it in zydis, a wafer form that dissolves in your mouth so it hits your blood faster and works that much faster. the stuff is very potent. i recommend it highly. (zydis is actually made to put into people's food when they're paranoid to take pills, but it does hit your blood and work faster, a bonus!) i'm mad that i can't take it anymore. you've probably heard me ranting about it RANT

loon

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great uncle and his damned cigars, which I smell. The fire that almost killed me when I was little, smelling things burning or being hot.

Hallucinations of smelling something burning, dissociation/derealization/depersonalization ... do you also get hit with deja vu,

or premonitions of something bad waiting to happen to you (you know - that "oh hell" feeling where you just KNOW that

other shoe is waiting to squoosh you when you least expect it) , or - and this is a really fun effect to get when you're driving a car -

find yourself in a familiar place or on one of your usual routes, but you get the wierd feeling that no, that was just a half-

remembered dream or something and you've never really been there before ?

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Here's what Null0 is getting at and and I think he may be on to somthing.

http://www.pni.org/neuropsychiatry/seizures/ptls.html

This may not be psychological or psychiatric. It could neurological, in which case your brain could be cooking in its own juices so you need to quit dicking around and get your head wired up to a machine for testing ASAP. Regardless of what else is going on, if you smell smoke that isn't there, that's what it usual points to.

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:) ermmmm...yeah, I can relate to a lot of that. I think I'll just be talking to my Doctor Tuesday morning ;) I never thought about it being neurological, but on my mothers side of the family, there are a lot of seizure and neurological problems. Thank you guys, I'll check this out ASAP
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