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It Occurs to me that this should all be a Springer--

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A brief update for those of you who have sent me PM's and told me in wonderful ways, that you care. I still feel just totally dead inside, but I realize life is gonna go on, with or without me. My husband is not a bad guy, he is just dumber than dirt, and I knew he was when I met him. I"m pretty smart--really, IQ and everything--and he's not. But he means well. And I do think he loves me, and I, for some unknown reason love him

So we will muddle on thru this--and I'll stay and hope by the time I get the liscense, the jobs I want at the hospital are still available. My choices are pretty limited--where and how would I go? And what would thst accomplish?

And besides--college football starts today, which gladdens my heart like you cannot believe. Tech even plays Notre Dame tonite.

So--onward and upward, I guess--gotta get the Adderall up'ed--the first 2 doses I took put me to SLEEP! Not what I had in mind.

I guess this is like a hangover--after the awfulness of yesterday, the hurt and total disruption of my nice, neat little life, I just feel like a blob. Hadn't been that angry and hurt and totally out of control in a very ong time, and I still think it was circumstsntial, NOT the BP. I challenge any "normal"person to go thru all that and not get mad.

Enough--thanks guys--

getting back to being china--maybe--lots of work there. Maybe a nap.

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For what its worth, I think I have figured out the pattern in all this--I have, all my adult life been the one who bailed everybody out, literally and figurtively. When folks got locked up, you had to have someone with a stable address and job to sign for their bail--that was always me.

And all the emergencies the kids had, and the various husbands and boyfriends, I was the one always working , always bringing in the paycheck, always doing the right thing. Even when my dad was elderly, I ended up always doing the right thing for him--making sure he wasn't mistreated, or got himself in trouble--

If anybody ran out of money, or lost a job, hey, I had a good job, everybody knows how stable and well-paid nurses are, right? "I swear mom, I'll pay you back." Hell I even just sent my ex-husband a check to pay his truck insurance. "It'll be OK, j. will take care of it."

Welll, it was gonna be my turn--I was gonna get to be the one who finally got to relax and maybe take a fun, silly little job doing something frivilous, and meanwhile getting my SocialSecurity, that I have paid into for so many years, 'cause I was the one with a job, I was the stable one.

And now? Once again, I am bailing someone out, but this time, it hurts terribly, because I know thats what I am doing and have done, willingly, all my life.

I am still so very angry at my husband, but I was able to tell him how I felt today--of course, his reply was, well you can always leave. "Where would I go?" I replyed. I also asked him what in the fuck he was thinking? Did he honestly think he could go thru his life and never get caught by the IRS? And I finaly told him the bigest secret of all--that I almost didn't marry him because I knew this would happen--that it took me months to decide to take a chance and marry him. And look where it got me. I don't even have a wedding ring any more--it had to be cut off before the surgery, and we don't have the money to get it fixed.

The damn Adderall doesnt work, so I have spent the entire day, crying and sleeping and being horrendously depressed---and eating stupid, horrible stuff, like donuts and peanut butter.

Figuring all this out should make me feel better, but it hasn't--I just feel lost,, and used, and used up, and I hurt so fucking bad. It won't ever stop--I will just hve to keep working and being the one that saves everybody--until I can't even save myself anymore. Which is just about now--

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Adderall works China, but I don't think they make a med yet to cure a broken heart. The only things that can fix that are coming full-circle with yourself inside and time. I'm not sure what the "coming to full circle" stuff is about, it is just something my tdoc claims I need to do, so I think I'll pass it on, for whatever it is worth.

You've been stable and now you're not. Now you're eating donuts and peanut butter. Let yourself eat whatever you damn well please, you've earned it! And watch your college football.

Whatever is wrong with your husband, it sounds like he needs some counseling too. Don't totally let him off the hook. There is something mental about that boy.


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Well, against all odds--we found a great deal of help by dealing directly with the IRS. And hubby has had what I hope is the wake-up call from hell. Good thing, as I am totally used up--just empty.

But a kind, knowledgeble soul on another board I am on--a UU board, for those in the know--guided him thru all the messes, and we got out of the contract with some bogus firm he had so hastily signed.

And he knows , now, exactly how I feel--we had a serious :come to Jesus" last night, where I voiced (well, yelled is better) all the pent up stuff I have been lugging around for years about being the universal savior, and more specifically how I was completely thru with his crap about money and blaming me and on and on. At one point he tried to speak, and I actually threatnened him with physical violence if he didn't just sit there and listen to me. So he did.

And yeah, he could use some help--he's wildly ADD, and has avoided responsibility for most serious things in his life forever. He can't see the forrest for the trees, usually. But if he will stay on track now, and I honestly think he got the BIG SCARE this time, we will be OK.

I am exhausted, and empty and had a major panic attack last night, resulting in 3 Klonpin and 2 Ambien to even begin to sleep. But I am here, and its a new day and being the fucking savior of the world is over. (Yeah, I know, big words) But I just can't do this any more, because there is so little left to give in me, and because I realize that I gotta take care of myself--because no one on this earth will if I don't. Yeah, thats a real shame, but its the truth, so get over it and move on.

Somewhere, in the deep fog, I can almost seee china again--and I hear her voice--

and there's hope--

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Good for you! I'm proud of you! You simply can't have people make constant withdrawals of your time and emotional & mental energy. Eventually you're going to run out and need some deposits in return (corny analogy, sorry). The massive panic attack was probably due to letting out all the stuff that you'd pent up for so long. This is a MAJOR step hon. You hit bottom and things can only improve from here... I really believe that.

Sorry not to have written - head's a bit screwy right now.

china's coming back!

L x

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