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There seems to be no resilience. Any stress at all (especially having to go somewhere or see someone- anyone) brings it on, or for no apparent reason, and thinking about the chronic anxiety makes me more, ah, anxious, as in- it will never get better/I will never get better. I can't cope with the death of a baby bird. It haunts me for months.

At times I wish I didn't have a family, even though I love them, so that I wouldn't have to avoid answering the phone and the churning guts if they are coming for a visit. They're great people! Telling them about having bipolar is unthinkable, although I've tried to and regretted it. Many times I think I have good reason for being anxious. It's out there- not me.

I can often present myself as being fine and normal. Inside, I'm wound up like a piano string, afraid I will say something stupid and reveal myself. I have to deliberately unclench my whole body and sit back, and 10 min. later do it again. I'm doing it now.

I know I'm whining here. My pdoc is trying to mix and match meds, my tdoc is trying cognitive therapy but I don't buy it and just feel hopeless. It usually ends up in depression. tense, agitated depression.

Needed to vent. Thanks.

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You're not whining at all. I understand exactly what you're talking about. It's very similar for me. eg I have serious probs with sleep b/c of my anxiety levels.. and I wind up getting anxious about the fact that I'm going to be too anxious to get any rest. It's like being trapped on a circular line train. And as for people contact.. ugh. I'm even having probs with posting messages on the boards.

Not very helpful, I know.. just wanted to let you know that you're definitely not the only one who experiences this. It sucks.

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begets anxiety........begets anxiety.......etc.....

yeah, I DEFINATELY understand that one. Lately I can't sleep cause I'm just too damn anxious. Of what I don't know. What I DO know is the cycle is viscious (sp?) and seems unending.

I'm sorry for your pain. I wish there was something I could do for you. Perhaps posting will help?

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I also know what you mean. Even with my klonopin, I still can't handle even the slightest stressor. It can be something as minor as my daughter falling off the bed (which the little monkey does often) and all of the sudden, I'm paralyzed. I can't do anything except dwell on what happened. I wonder what could have happened, etc. I shut down for a few hours or even for the next day or so.

And I know the gut-churning feeling you get when you have to put on a "happy face" for family. I avoid answering the phone also and I don't invite people over.

Sorry I can't offer much help. All I can say is been there, doing that. Hope you find a good med combo to help you!

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Weird thing with me--I can cope like a pro thru really stressful, even horrible circumstances or occurrences. In fact, people always say that I am the calm, rational one during crises. Which is great--

BUT--

Once things are settled down, and the "exterior" anxiety has passed, THEN I will have a knock-your-socks-off, lock the doors and break out the extra Klonopin anxiety attack. I always know its coming, but people who don't know me think I am an idiot--"after all, the problem's over/solved/gone/etc. Why are you so batshit now???"

I guess its a good thing I don't fall apart when the shit hits the fan--and at least I can plan for the shit to follow. I have always just thought it was an odd reaction. Handy for a mom and a nurse--but still odd.

china (back again, finally--that was a close one!!)

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Yes! And not odd or weird in my world. I'M also competent in a crisis even though I'm scared shitless- I'm the one handling it when my son is in a psychotic super-manic episode. I'm the only one he'll tallk to. Then I come undone and people think I'm being histrionic b/c he's out of the crisis and I should just be moving on. How can you move on when you replay everything and think you could have/should have done something to prevent it or caused it in the first place?

guilt is an excellent trigger, and there's a lifetime of regrets to draw upon.

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hiya-

are you a female per chance?

my tdoc says that it is much less common for men to experience these could have/should have/would have feelings, even in mentally interesting communities. for some reason, women are just socialized to take the stress more internally and cope with it by taking it out on themselves. on ourselves- i'm in this group too.

male or female, look at it like this- why should you let this one thing bother you? why does it deserve such a high place in your life that it has the power to make you feel a certain way and do certain things?

that is probably the kind of stuff they're going to get after in cognative therapy. i'd say go for it. more tdoc talking doesn't usually hurt. you can medicate it with klonopin but if it is a pattern for you, there is a lot you can do with changing that thought process and emotional response so you don't get worked up into such a frenzy and need the klonopin as much.

i've had partial success with the therapy. i'm still trying. i still reach for the klonopin. we all have our days.

loon

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Oh yes- mother of 3. Anxiety comes with just a thought or two, and I'm always trying to play catch up with (probably) behavior they would not like in me. I know that's unrealistic thinking and try to let the cognitive stuff sink in. It's been a pattern so long I'm stuck in it I guess, not to mention an MI I have denied for years (just my personality fucked up! Depression/grandiosity/unfounded rages/anxiety normal for a moody freak like me. Anyway, my tdoc is starting a class on anxiety soon. Maybe I'll take it. I'm scared of that, too . I can't drive there on my own but my partner wants to take me. He'll even attend! What a baby.

Hey- thanks for the imput. It really does help.

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There seems to be no resilience. Any stress at all (especially having to go somewhere or see someone- anyone) brings it on, or for no apparent reason, and thinking about the chronic anxiety makes me more, ah, anxious, as in- it will never get better/I will never get better. I can't cope with the death of a baby bird. It haunts me for months.

You know, the key for me ( and I am a lot like china) was finding things outside of meds and therapy to help me. I swim, I walk a lot, (I know kids - tough) I meditate, I take myself out of situations that will cause anxiety. That's the hard part to learn.

It's not about a "cure" - that is a step in all this "oh when will they cure me?..... I hope these meds work....what if? what if? what if?" (repeat till exhausted) It's about learning to adapt your life to live with it. And you don't have to present yourself to the world as a different person either. You learn to listen to and take of - yourself first. Above all else.

It's not easy, it takes practice and a lot of work on your own. But, no one can do this but you.

I can often present myself as being fine and normal. Inside, I'm wound up like a piano string, afraid I will say something stupid and reveal myself. I have to deliberately unclench my whole body and sit back, and 10 min. later do it again. I'm doing it now.

This is what I mean. Adn boy have I been HERE. First of all, you are in a place with a lot of people just like you, and secondly, maybe the support of being here and listening to what works for others, will work for you too.

Breeze

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