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I feel awful


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I'm normally a sane, if somewhat depressed, individual. I met this really nice guy a couple of weeks ago, very attentive and sweet. He's only here to learn English for 6-12 months before he goes back to his country. So I know the "situation", this is only going to be temporary.

But for some reason he seems to have lost interest? He seemed to be ignoring my txt messages, so I phoned him and he says he has no credit. He is a student and has not got a job here yet. However he must have some money saved to live here as he has to pay for rent and food doesn't he? Am I not worth a $20 phone top up to reply to my messages? Why can he go out drinking nearly every night but not top up his phone? Is he waiting for the weekend to start when it's free text messaging?

I thought things were going well and I was imagining a great summer with him. But I have always had a bad history with relationships, guys "lose interest" in me after a few dates for some reason, however I'm told I'm very pretty.

Now people will say, move on, this guy is not worth it. But I feel like a failure ONCE AGAIN and I am feeling really depressed once again, and lie in bed all day today as I don't see the point in life if it brings me constant heartache. I can't see him Friday or Saturday night as I am working (and sleeping during most of the daytime).

I hope I havent already made a fool of myself by texting him too much, asking him why he's ignoring me even (because I felt so horrible that he wasn't replying).

ANd dont say somebody else will come along. They might, but it will be the same story over and over again.

I even am going back to self injury as I HATE feeling so awful. I hit my leg really hard with a piece of plastic, it made me feel better for a few moments.

I can't handle rejection, I have a MAJOR issue with it. I just this awful feeling of devastation within me, this is ridiculous but I can't help feeling this way. I try to do other things to take my mind off, like applying for other jobs, something to get out of this heartbroken mindset. But it's hard.

I hate life and I hate my emotions. I can't handle how I feel. Please help me somebody.

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i think guys sense it when we want them. i think the real key to keeping them isn't that old "hard to get" trick, because that is plain silly, but the air of confidence, that you don't need them to be your all. even if that's not how you feel about them at all, sometimes guys are conceited enough to get that impression.

i also read in one of your threads that you have grandchildren. that could make some men vear the other way. it is shallow, but maybe some guys aren't mature enough to date a woman with young grandchildren. they're just losers anyway.

the fear of rejection just compounds itself, and then you feel even more afraid on your next date and the next, and guys smell it and think you are all about them and desperate, even if it is just plain fear of rejection. i don't know how to stop the cycle, but stopping the cycle would increase the life of your relationships i think.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think you need to leave this guy alone for a week. Then he might get the feeling you won't be all over him every minute. And, if it starts up again or with another guy, don't send a text message or call more often than every few days unless he calls or writes you. Now, it's possible, if you don't jump all over him, that you may eventually find a guy who LIKES to talk every day or something. My s.o. and I have to be very careful to talk only after 9 pm or our phone bills would be enormous.

Please don't misunderstand. I've had issues like this myself. Even guys can get like this. I know it's painful, I know a few days from now seems like forever when you are this interested. But it will make things work better, usually.

I don't mean you can't ask a guy out, either. Just not constantly unless it's clear he wants you to.

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Thanks Ido, you're right, I should just lay off. I've sunk right back into a depression though, since then. Because I have had a taste of what's good and what's missing in my life and ever so quickly was taken away from me again. I had forgotten about love and lust, had a taste and now its gone again. As usual it's dangled in front of me and then it's gone.

I'm probably in no state to meet another guy right now, or to have a relationship. I'm too f*d up and needy always and clingy. I don't feel good within myself, I just want to be happy but I can't find happiness, it takes other people to make things fun, nothing is much fun alone except reading a book or watching a movie. But that's not going to take away loneliness. Being alone will not make one meet people. But right now I'm too sad to connect with anyone. They'd sense it a mile away and run. Just like they all do.

*sigh*

*sadly*

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Thanks Ido, you're right, I should just lay off. I've sunk right back into a depression though, since then. Because I have had a taste of what's good and what's missing in my life and ever so quickly was taken away from me again. I had forgotten about love and lust, had a taste and now its gone again. As usual it's dangled in front of me and then it's gone.

I'm probably in no state to meet another guy right now, or to have a relationship. I'm too f*d up and needy always and clingy. I don't feel good within myself, I just want to be happy but I can't find happiness, it takes other people to make things fun, nothing is much fun alone except reading a book or watching a movie. But that's not going to take away loneliness. Being alone will not make one meet people. But right now I'm too sad to connect with anyone. They'd sense it a mile away and run. Just like they all do.

*sigh*

*sadly*

It's not the sad, it's the clingy, I bet. I think a lot of times (I'm almost sure that's what happened to me) we manage to actually drive people away to protect ourselves until we are strong enough to deal. Probably, although it may not always be TOTAl fun, you should find some ways to hang out with other people without strong expectations. Maybe some people who are into some of the same things you are, like a hobby club, or a book reading group, art, movie fans (ex: chlotrudis.org, and, no, I am not a member), sports, whatever. I think if we have other people in our lives, we are less likely to try to get everything from one other person, and to expect them to save us, which they really CAN'T do, unless we do more than half the work.

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AJ,

Sorry to hear that you are lonely and disappointed right now. When I feel lonely I try to connect with friends I have, particularly my best friend, who is ill too so she knows what it is like. Do you have anyone who would be sympathetic? Sometimes just spending an hour in the company of someone who cares about you can make a massive difference. I feel really supported by the volunteer work I do, it is a way I can be around people that are also lonely (so I don't feel like a loser)and I get some companionship for a little while.

Another thing you could do would be to take on a mini project (cleaning out a cupboard, making a meal, doing a hobby of yours- I knit for example, going for a walk) and see how you feel once you're done. Sometimes that is enough to get us energised and boost our self esteem a bit.

If none of this is possible and you still need a listening ear you can pm me, you sound like a lovely person with a lot to offer the world and I would be happy to chat with you.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Angeljasmine, I can relate 1000%. I could have written your posts! I know how awful it feels. In fact, I'm up at 4:30 in the morning because I'm feeling pretty awful too about a very similar situation.

I guess there are a few things that keep me going. They are my cat (someone loves & depends on me, right?), the fact that I know I'm a bit paranoid (so maybe it's not that people don't like me but other issues altogether in their lives), and the fact that I did have a good relationship once. That allows me to realize that I AM lovable even though I don't feel that I am and if one person loved me there's got to be someone else out there who will love me too, right? I don't know if any of this will be helpful to you, but that's what I try to tell myself. Maybe there are similar things in your own life that can give you comfort?

As far as texting, emailing, etc., I am terrible at waiting! So usually what I try to do (I'm not always succesful) is make a draft email or text and say to myself that I'll send it tomorrow. Then when tomorrow comes I try to wait as long as possible. Then I reread it and make sure it doesn't sound defensive/desperate, etc. Then, when I've waited as long as I can I send it!

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