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So for the past month or so I've had the following

problems making decisions

losing things

forcing self to do stuff,

like get to work

when I was actually at work it was good,

though yesterday I double booked someone and

canceled the one and forgot the other, went home do to

wave after wave of bad feeling & bad thoughts & back ache

I am just writing here because I hate depression

Like, it creeps up again, I think, oh this will pass,

I get used to it, like used to feeling bad...

spent lots of time daydreaming about moving out west where some

ok family members are, elderly mom is (whom I managed to love and

feel close to in my 40's, a decade ago)

Been on 150 effexor and 100 lamictal for 6 months or so, other anti

depressants long time for depression & anxiety

So pdoc says today,

hmm. You have depression, and with mood disorders even, people do cycle, and

you are going down now, you are having more depression now...(I nodded, with kleenex in hand)

So, she advises, let us titrate up to about 200 lamictal. And if you

feel good at 150 (get at least to there, she said) you can stop there.

come back in a month, of course sooner if you want.

Well, ok. That felt better.

I told her I was like reading a jillion brochures, for things to do,

getting all hung up, spending hours doing that and not actually picking anything.

"Difficulty making decisons," she points out, "symptom of depression."

Well, like duh, that has been a month at least.

I mean, I ask myself this (not to you really, but I just have to get this out)

Like, why do I think I should be, I mean, I expect myself to be "normal," whatever that

is anyhow, but like, get to work, do a good job, be able to have a comforting and

in place support system, be really up on exercising and health, handling living single,

making great decisions, taking care of pets, car, loving and supporting two sons (not living

at home) Like, I have always thought, "well, you can do this, this is what you are supposed to

do)

It is hard to say, well kiddo, you have depression, you must take care of it, and one

way is to not expect to be 95% or 100% all the time. That, in fact, it's not just that ok

you are on meds, and just forget that the horrid big D can come up and bite me in the

ass without awareness of such.

It just so sucks. I feel better inside me that I went. I hope going up on lamictal will help.

Thanks for having this space for me to rant, admins and mods, and kindred spirits.

I also know I need the structure of the job (or A job) to keep me moving. I feel better usually once I get there, and it is not full time. But yesterday and last week I had to go home early.

Well I am hoping for leveling out. Depression is so real, it just sucks, I am partly whining I know.

I have it, and I need to say it and keep aware.

Luli

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I am just writing here because I hate depression

Like, it creeps up again, I think, oh this will pass,

I get used to it, like used to feeling bad...

Luli, I'm sorry you're on a downswing... I hope the lamictal increase helps you. Keep moving, keep working, make some plans to do something for yourself. Maybe a massage? Manicure? New hair do? My pdoc put me on 300mg of effexor and the only real difference is I'm not a raving lunatic at pms time. I have been depressed for so long, I don't know of anything different. I am a slug. I don't do things even if they will make my life better. I'm stuck in this ravine and I can't climb out...

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Oh NYPL, thank you for writing me.

I think I get used to feeling uggy.

yeah.

At least I was not numb, got some sh*t out on

phone with phone support friend. Also son who is

26 who said, oh mom, people get that, it happens,

cause I was all like, hey, I am a grown up, done

tdocs, meds, I SHOULD NOT get this way.

Hugs to you...

Luli

(edited to add, ok for the massage. That I can

set up I think if I can find the nice woman's

card...)

Gaghhhhh

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Hi Lulibear,

I think the most insidious thing about depression is that it takes away our perspective. It's really diffficult to step back, all objective and all, and say "ahh yes, must be on the downswing, must up the meds, yes indeedy" when things get bad.

We can't do that. Like you said, it sneaks up and bites us in the ass. And you know, when you write about all the stuff you "should" be doing, it really adds up to quite a lot, doesn't it?

Luli-bear, you've been trying so hard lately! I read your posts and can see the pain you're in. And while there's a part in me, like you, that says, well shiiit, just get on with it already eh? You've got your meds; get going! sometimes we end up facing the fact that our lives are really pretty complicated and added to that is the fact that we've got brain issues that make all that more difficult.

Whenever things go well, I always tell myself I should write it down to remind myself when I start swinging low that there is a higher level I want to aim for. But it's like that hole-in-the-roof thing. When it rains, I think: ahh yes, must fix that when it stops raining! But when it stops raining, I forget there's a damn hole in the roof.

erm, did that make sense? Love to you luli-bear. Good for you for getting the help you need. And no, it ain't whining.

xo

lily

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Oh yes, Lilylovely,

yes. And when doing well, write it, so when going down can know, oh! this pit is a temporary place, I will get through this....

Yeah the old snap out of it is really hard to tell self when big D is having its wiley ways of LIFE SUCKS NOW & FOREVER.

that part of mine anyway...

yeah, gotta keep the pail under the roof leak, and when it stops raining put a sign out saying, hey! fix the roof!

Hugs to you,

Lulibear

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Me again,

Better today. Went to auction last night, helped make some money for a scholarship thing...

So. The biting despair of abyss. BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Horrible mood abated at the moment to ok. Son with me, love there, just am being in the moment with it, him, just appreciating, enjoying. Lit candles, lattes, fruit salads, nice music.

Conclusion for now:

Put up sign: Don't believe your head, depression lies, says bad things, mere thoughts, don't believe.

Put up paper on fridge: couple people's names with phone numbers to call to get reminders, support

Just short term committments that I can do.

Maybe list of happy thoughts, better-feeling thoughts.

Sign: Don't Be Complaisent.

Maintenance list: food, meds, people contact.

LuvLuli

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Conclusion for now:

Put up sign: Don't believe your head, depression lies, says bad things, mere thoughts, don't believe.

Put up paper on fridge: couple people's names with phone numbers to call to get reminders, support

Sign: Don't Be Complaisent.

Maintenance list: food, meds, people contact.

LuvLuli

Luli, you are so wise, that it blows me away.

Love to you from Lib

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Oh Lib, I wrote those things because I had an extremely rapid descent into hell starting Thursday. It is so scary, it's a bit better now but I am wary. Which is a waste of energy I guess.

Son just left to hang with friends; loving him here. Just enjoy him, his presence, his energy...

Luli

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Luli - you describe things very well. Glad you are getting some relief while your son is there.

I am trying to figure out how to say something I want to say about people contact, but I can't organize it to come out right. We've all been there. But I think people contact is really important and I am so glad to see it on your list. This place is great, but real people are better. I am still in my nightgown right now, if I was with real people I would have had to get dressed and all. There is a point to this, but I lost it.

Sorry I am so sleep deprived today. Can't nap, no sleep last night or the night before. Little fragments of sleep this morning. Don't help.

Feel better Luli. I like the signs.

Love you

Susie

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Susie, it's kind of funny to be told I write things well when I'm thinking it was about being so miserable and down, and thanks for the compliment!

I did not want to, but had signed up to help at the acoustic music place tonight. I walked part way there, then my son drove me the rest of the way.

It was just dynamite cajun and other stuff! Two different groups who got together at the end. One of the other volunteers walzed with me twice and we two-stepped it, and I also had the nerve to dance solo (with a bunch of other folks) and I was behind this woman who had the steps down... there is a hold or something in zydeco sometimes, and I actually got the steps down...of course now that she isn't in front of me & there's no music, I can't for the life of me remember what she was doing. I am a good kinesthetic mimic. I got very used to watching and imitating and learning to do things physically that way, mostly dancing but other things too. My eye and their body, I just get them in my body. Helped that it was kind of dark.

Anyhow the guy said his wife finds people for him to dance with, cause she is really shy! and I hadn't danced in a long time....

So it was good anyhow. And people contact, even just social.

So to bed, .... !

Bye,

Luli

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It was just dynamite cajun and other stuff! Two different groups who got together at the end. One of the other volunteers walzed with me twice and we two-stepped it, and I also had the nerve to dance solo (with a bunch of other folks) and I was behind this woman who had the steps down... there is a hold or something in zydeco sometimes, and I actually got the steps down...of course now that she isn't in front of me & there's no music, I can't for the life of me remember what she was doing. I am a good kinesthetic mimic. I got very used to watching and imitating and learning to do things physically that way, mostly dancing but other things too. My eye and their body, I just get them in my body. Helped that it was kind of dark.

Anyhow the guy said his wife finds people for him to dance with, cause she is really shy! and I hadn't danced in a long time....

Oh, Luli, you can't be depressed when you're dancing and having a great old time! I love to go out dancing... H doesn't dance. ;) Sometimes I'll go out with friends or my SIL and we just all dance in a group. It's good exercise and it's a lot of fun... I'm so glad you had a good time!

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Oh NYPL!

It was so unexpected; I didn't even know the music would be zydeco/danceable, and just serendipitous a nice man wanted to practise too!

I might even go over to the forum "I got the good stuff here" to start my own thread of little things that I have done that are good, as when sliding into the pitz or being down there my mind does not recall anything at all that has been good, or ok, or even fun. So!

My butt kicking machine must have let up for those hours....thanks to people on this board who have been so good when I felt like, well, all I can say is, when I very recently felt REALLY BAD. ;) (for me)

I did mess up pretty much about work today; hadn't phoned all my people to be off work when son is here; another sign to make so I can remember: Schedule Off Days From Job When Not Going In because of people coming here or me going somewhere. Like, a month before. Jeesh. Sometimes my brain is just on vacation itself. Now to call for tomorrow ad I will take son to airport.

Sometimes I just make a whole lot of work for myself. But at least it worked out for today, not in trouble with the bosses. Whew.

Also, to all you warm and helpful people who have been definitely holding my hand, giving cyber hugs the last several days. Sending you all big gratitude energies. (Cyber hugs to you all)

Luli

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Luli,

I'm glad you're doing a little better. It's just amazing that after all this time, the big D can still sneak up on us and have us in the abyss and thinking we're useless and hopeless. Damn. That's just not fair. There should be a sign at the very beginning of a slide so that we can remind ourselves not to listen to our depressed brains.

yes. And when doing well, write it, so when going down can know, oh! this pit is a temporary place, I will get through this....

You are so right. That statement the one (and only) upside to recurrent depression.

Hope things keep looking up.

Greeny

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Hi Greeny,

lol, the only upside to recurrent depression, that is pretty funny. Thanks for that.

"THE PIT IS TEMPORARY" big letters over the sink

(3 x 5 card on the bathroom mirror)

(little glowy stickies on the bedroom ceiling)

(3 x 5 card on BOTH sides of the car visor)

where else? Oh, I know!

Tatooed on my arm!

Greeny, yeah. Right now I'm about a 6 on a 1-10 pt scale, 10 being best. But it's bedtime, so that's ok, it's not depression, just tired. I'll be a 7 when I go to finish re-reading The Shipping News ... before zzzzzz-ing off...

Just rambling, off to bed,

Luli

(I edited this post now in Nov. of 2007. I went thru a yukky patch with trying lamictal and just stopped posting...not sure why)

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  • 1 year later...

(I realize now I stopped writing here back in '06 because either the pit got too deep or the lamictal was going bad on me...so here I am, none of the lamictal in me...)

Well I guess I am back here! I lots of familiar members and new ones too, which is great!

I survived Thanksgiving. Had dinner with my independent younger son whom I see every few months -- boo hoo-- and had anxiety/tears awakening, and then again after we parted. It was a brief dinner; I'll take what I can get;don't want to push myself at him....

I guess I thought I'd be all cured by now! Hah. I'll probably be in therapy my whole life, and be on meds too.

Those thoughts upset me this morning; like, wow, I'm still dealing with rat bastard depression after many years.

It does suck. But it's bedtime so I am feeling better knowing I can shut my brain down for a bit.

Hello you folks....I checked a few blogs; not sure how they work differently from this thread exactly; my brain isn't all that functional lately...

LuliakaBlacklakelu

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Hiya lulibear,

You know, sometimes I come across a post I wrote a year or so ago and think the saaaaame thing--goddamn habitrail of MI-ness.

But I think even tho we circle round and round, we do manage to circle upwards. While we might never truly shake off the Rat Bastard and his slimy, evil ways, we can loosen the GI Joe Kung-Fu Grip he has on us, I think.

xoxo

lily

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Thanks for posting!

Lily I'm hoping my circling is for a good reason, like, well, I'm changing and some of the ways are good. Who knows. I do reach out more now for support. That is a good thing. I'm more open with people I trust about the MI brain of mine. I still am very careful of how I share about it. But I get more support now. I think it's ok.

Red, yes, that was me with the lamictal. The first 12.5 mgs helped my antidepressant work. A few months later at 100, 125, 150, I cried all the time. Took a while to get on it, and a while to get off it. I know some bipolars doing extremely well on it though. It made me manic, I think. And I wouldn't eat, which didn't help anything. So after I got to eating better and it was still very bad (I felt really bad) I went off it.

So, I'm getting one of those s.a.d.lights to help. I hope I use it. I hope it helps. I'm like, ok, I can't deal with all these tears and anxiety....and I know I'm grieving some stuff too -- it happens. Having feelings. So when I have them, there they are, tears and wanting to feel better. I'm hoping recent med tweaks will help me level out, not be numb, just be ok without such deep angstiness. (that's not a word)

I'm glad you're here....

Luli

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