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Someone tell me what to do! Soon!


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I need someone to talk too, Not sure if I can discuss this with my wife -

I think I need to take some cloneazepam or something. I just returned to work after 12 months off due to major depression accompanied by 3 suicide attempts by medication overdose and 4 hospitalizions. God dammed co workers kept asking "why were you off" I was only at work 2 days and the sunami of depressed feelings slowly crept in on me. Prior to this I struggled with the idea of returning to work for approx. 6 weeks. Discussing it endlessly with my pdoc and therapist. They both said I should return that maybe it would be good for me. Get my mind on something else. As well I was getting long term disability from work and it only pays 70% of my income so we were really finacially strapped borowing money and using up line of credit. This weighed heavily on my decision to return. My mind is ;) fucking going nuts now with the thought that I made a big mistake and should have not returned and looked into a job transfer or retraining through the insurance company as my job played a big part of my depression.

I have to say it: I AM FEELING TWINGES OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AGAIN!

Would you want to ride aboard a transit bus with a driver that was feeling this way? Shit, I shouldn't have said that.

My medications have to be hid from me by my wife because I cant be trusted.

I am seeing my pdoc for what is supposed to be the last appoitment with her next week and I dont know if I should tell her my feelings. Am I just pulling the wool over my eyes about whether I can return to bus driving?

One good thing is I can re-activate my disability now without opening up a new claim. It is something I am considering but boy am I suffering now with this decision.

I'm thinking of giving it another week to see what I should do. I really need some feedback quickly so I dont do anything stupid again and end up in the hospital. Help!

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Hiya reco,

I can only go by what you've written here, but it seems to me you have a lot of perspective on what you're going through, and whether you can or can't continue bus driving.

The vibe I get is that it scares you shitless and triggers suicidal thoughts, and you really don't want to be there.

You also list retraining as an option. Your last appt is coming up. And you can re-open your claim. So while some things are closing in, you do have options.

If it were me, I'd tell the doc what I was thinking, and take advantage of the other options to get the help I need.

Good for you for looking things square in the eye instead of telling yourself to get back on the horse--erm, bus.

I don't want to see you (or your passengers) in the hospital either. I vote for getting the help you know you need. Talk to pdoc!

lily

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Thanks - Lily, Sensation for the quick reply

Update: I took some cloneazepam and talked it over with my wife, all of it, and I think I 'm goin to stay home from work on Monday and ask my employer and insurance company for a transfer. If I continue to work in the meantime, they will think I dont need any transfer and that I am OK. Not good! I think it will be for the best.

Now what I have to work on is getting a letter from my pdoc stating that she thinks this is a good re-hab plan, and I know I will have to be careful of how we word this.

Thanks again Crazyboardites!

P.S. Sensation: co-workers always see each other before and after shifts etc.

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Ok, looks like you've decided what to do.

I would urge you to not stop seeing a pdoc, you need all the support, and it sounds like you have a good relationship.

Regarding suicidal thoughts: Remember that thoughts are not actions. I know how distressing they are, but try not to let them have power over you. Absolutley you should tell both your pdoc and therapist. Don't hide things from them. If your thoughts change to urges then call your pdoc immediately.

Tell people only what you want to. The closest I get is to say that I've had a bunch of medical problems and leave it at that.

hang in there,

a.m.

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