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fear of abandonment


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my doc told me yesterday that because i had a good week and hadnt cut i could come back and see him in two weeks time "if i wanted".

All i heard was "your not crazy, there is nothing wrong with you, piss off and stop wasting my valuable time, see u in 2 weeks wannabe"

Now this is in NO way what he said, or his tone. i know it should be a good thing he thought i could go 2 weeks between apointments. But no i had to assume he was turning his back on me.

i have this completely irrational fear that EVERYONE will leave me because they do not understand what is wrong with me, and i hide it too well. Or they will see it and they will hate me and leave me. whatever the reason it all leads to them leaving me in the end.

has anyone else really suffered with this borderline symptom. i have next to no self esteem and i cant take this constant paranoia that everyone deep down hates me and wants me to be gone from there life.

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today i am having the opposite to a fear of abandoment.

i want my aunt to disappear. She belittles me. She tells me because i have very sudden mood swings i am not borderline.

where does this bitch get off. i have had four seperate doctors confirm i have borderline as well as bipolar.

i HATE people who judge you based on "their" knowledge of an illness.

live in my skin,

walk in my shoes,

cry my tears,

then tell me what i feel "isn't" borderline.

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today i am having the opposite to a fear of abandoment.

i want my aunt to disappear. She belittles me. She tells me because i have very sudden mood swings i am not borderline.

where does this bitch get off. i have had four seperate doctors confirm i have borderline as well as bipolar.

i HATE people who judge you based on "their" knowledge of an illness.

live in my skin,

walk in my shoes,

cry my tears,

then tell me what i feel "isn't" borderline.

people dont always take well to knowing that someone they know has some sort of brain screwy-ness going on, ya know? no matter what it is. lots of people just see what they want to se and, at a certain point, it is something that one must learn to live with bc some people will just never change no matter how much you work, cry, and want them to.

fighting over who has what disease and why just gets into bad areas with lots of people. if you feel that she is toxic, then try to have limited contact with her.... don't try to have a battle about who has what bc it seems like a convo like that would go on forever and with not such a good outcome....

....sorry about the responce.... a bit tipsy....

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Iona- I know what it's like to hear invalidating things in statements which might be kind of innocuous. I had a big.... thing.... with my last psychiatrist, the first time I saw him. He said some stuff that I interpreted as "you're not really sick" which was not at all what he was trying to say but what my brain heard, and I called my therapist crying and she talked to him and then she talked to me and then I talked to him and blah blah blah after a lot of talking I think we got through it. Mostly. Heh.

Your aunt is obviously not trained to make any sort of psychiatric evaluations of you. I mean, I know you know this- but whatever's making her act like this is probably more about her than you. And judging you like that is really hurtful and cruel, really, but it doesn't hold any validity. She can tell everyone and their mom whatever she wants, and it doesn't make it so.

I feel the same way, too, about feeling like once people see inside they'll abandon you. I feel a lot like I have a "rotten core." I know that sounds so cliche, but a lot of the time I just feel rotted inside. Like a pumpkin that's sat in someone's window too long- it looks okay from the outside, but as soon as you touch it it squishes in that disgusting way. I try to remind myself a lot that it's just a feeling.... that just because I feel it doesn't make it true. I mean, a lot of good that does me most of the time- I don't care if it's true or not if I fuckin' feel it, dude- but sometimes I can talk some sense into myself.

This is really heady stuff... I don't know that I can tell you how to manage it, because I don't fully (or really) know how to manage it. But I wanted to at least tell you that you're not alone- and repeat that "just because you feel it doesn't make it true" thing, because I have a hard time with that.

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Your aunt isnt a doc so just make her disappear in your mind. It does sound like doc was encouraged by your progress but if you're hiding things the next time you see him you should let him know even if you have to print this out.

abandonment issues suck and it's so hard to make your mind stable to the thought of being completely and totally accepted and kept by someone no matter what your flaws.

I had two bpd friends that had abandonment issues (trigger here) one I kept for these past 20 years and will never let go of her. The other kept doing bad things to "test" my loyalty to see if I would leave her(trying to sleep with my husband, stealing my stuff, getting drunk and lying about me then apologizing, hurting her daughter physically and begging me not to tell, a bizarre range of crap that I couldn't keep in) and I had to go but you don't seem the type to hurt others so rest your mind a little. I won't abandon you. I'm here ;)

lilie

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thanks for everyone who has replied, and thanks for your support lillie.

no i am not the type who is really nasty or mean to the others. i am however the kinda person who bottles everything up inside until i cant take it anymore an i lash out in yelling and sometimes even hitting and throwing things.

i find dealing with abandonment issues really hard, the same as changing my thinking from black and white to seeing those shades of grey. anyone who has learnt how to do this please share your tips.

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for me abandonment issues go with trust. i think this is what makes abandonment a big issue in therapy. we trust our therapists with a lot, and the thought that they might stop seeing us and offering us support is really fucking scary. it's really important that your therapist knows that you had an abandonment trigger in that session.

i don't think there's a one way of dealing with abandonment issues. they don't seem to blindside me the way they used to, but there's a reason i have them, you know? it takes a lot of time to work through the why behind abandonment issues.

of course, part of it is like the black/white thinking issue. if you're mindful of abandonment triggers sometimes you can learn to modulate the degree of your response.

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  • 1 month later...

That's happened to me before as well, where my therapist will say that exact thing and I'll FEEL the same as you felt.. it's awful.

I often, if not always, feel that someone is going to leave me or abandon me..

I can't deal with someone disliking me because I automatically think they hate me and want me out of their life.. and if someone HATES me I feel like they'll want to kill me.

if you ever need to talk pm me or something.

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Iona:

This is something I struggle with daily. In fact, I'd go so far as to say this is my #2 problem. It causes me so much pain and takes up so much of my emotional energy.

Everything everyone says to me gets twisted in this head of mine. EVERYTHING. I have to filter everything that comes into my head and be very careful that I am not finding meaning behind innocent words.

My boss walked in the office recently and said: "You look nice today". That went in my head and turned into "You look better than you did yesterday" which turned into "I don't usually like the way you dress" which somehow turned into:

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Iona,

I also fear my therapist leaving though she has never given the slightest indication that she would. I would just be lost without her and not know what to do. She is much more important to me than my pdoc.

Tommy

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a guy is here cleaning my carpet, and i'm already worried that he doesn't like me. i was just sitting here thinking that i should call the company and say how GREAT he was at cleaning my carpet, so he'd like me. Sheesh! I drive myself crazy with this stuff!

I also fear my therapist leaving though she has never given the slightest indication that she would. I would just be lost without her and not know what to do. She is much more important to me than my pdoc.
My fear came true, and my therapist did leave me after 8 yrs, because I had a melt down and yelled at her on her answering machine, because she wasn't returning my phone calls. I said nothing abusive, just that she didn't care about me. She took great offense and dumped me. Well, she talked me into dumping her, by goading me, and asking me if I wanted to dump her.. sheesh. I think she was borderline.
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I have a fear of abandonment but then I think it is a universal human thing, just some feel it more intensely than others. It helps me to have a great tdoc who is commited to working with me for two years, she is a stable person in my life who won't quit. My parents are also people who despite having abandoned me in the past in some ways, are there for me more than ever now. I find the bigger the network of people I have in my life, the less afraid I am that I will end up alone.

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so, what do you do, when you have this fear of abandonment - but you just want everyone to leave you alone?

I too have a great fear of abandonment from my childhood - seems like we were always tossed off to someone else - being put in a children's home because my mother said "she couldn't afford to keep us" (there were 4 of us that went) but she kept my older brother & sister from her 1st marriage.

But right now & of lately, I just want everyone to leave me alone. My family is the greatest cause of my depression. It just really sucks to be me right now.

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  • 1 month later...

my doc told me yesterday that because i had a good week and hadnt cut i could come back and see him in two weeks time "if i wanted".

All i heard was "your not crazy, there is nothing wrong with you, piss off and stop wasting my valuable time, see u in 2 weeks wannabe"

Now this is in NO way what he said, or his tone. i know it should be a good thing he thought i could go 2 weeks between apointments. But no i had to assume he was turning his back on me.

i have this completely irrational fear that EVERYONE will leave me because they do not understand what is wrong with me, and i hide it too well. Or they will see it and they will hate me and leave me. whatever the reason it all leads to them leaving me in the end.

has anyone else really suffered with this borderline symptom. i have next to no self esteem and i cant take this constant paranoia that everyone deep down hates me and wants me to be gone from there life.

I know exactly how you feel, I get like that, when any of my docs, tell me they can see me after 3 weeks or so. It is such a scary feeling like , omgosh, everyone is leaving me, and Iam going to be alone with just my craziness to deal with. I get like that with my husband, whenever he can not get a ride home,or he is hanging out with buddies, I go like omgodhe must not like to be with me, he doesnt need me, and one of these days he is going to leave me. esp when I have mental breakdowns, and i cry a lot, andhe doesnt know why, I keep thinking if he has to deal with just one more o f these, he will leave me, and it makes me even more upset. I know exactly how you feel, it is so tough.

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