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about to enter a sexless marriage


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This sucks. I'm getting married in two weeks to my long-term love. Who I almost never have sex with. The sex seems to have dropped off precipitously since I started taking meds. I just never think about it. Libido is mostly DOA except for sometimes when I'm ovulating. And when I have libido, "doing it" still seems very forced. Then again, my drive seem to be diminishing before meds.

I don't know what to think anymore. I'm starting to worry that we will never regain our sex life. Which, no, I don't think is a valid reason to call off the wedding. Why? I just think SSRIs numb everything--your feelings, your sex drive. Does anyone else agree? I'm praying that's all that it is. I know that when I stopped Wellbutrin as an adjunct, I seemed to regain my sex drive for a short time, although that doesn't make any sense.

Why is this happening? Is it the meds? Is it the underlying depression? Both? I really hope it's not just that I've lost my feelings for my SO. I don't think that is it b/c I almost never think about sex and rarely masturbate. However, I have to admit that I seem to have become less attracted to him physically. It never bothered me before that he was at an unhealthy weight, now it does.

This is really turning into a serious problem. I suggested that perhaps we should see a sex therapist, which he scoffed at. He says I turn to expensive professionals too easily. I'm just thinking, yeah my sex drive is just magically going to come back if we just keep waiting! Even though it's been more than a year.

Am I stupid to marry someone I have little to no sexual relationship with? Actually it is more than that, very little intimacy in general--I spend all day preparing for the wedding b/c I have no other choice (so much shit to do still), he spends god knows how many hours working every day b/c they have a deadline, plus we are supposed to be moving at the end of the month. Is it any wonder?

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I don't think it is stupid to be marrying someone that you have little to no sexual relationship with. I recently married my long-term love and since I've been getting treatment for my depression we've hardly had any sex at all (this was happening long before we got married).

I think sex is the furthest thing from your mind when you are numbed with depression and meds. But you know, you'll eventually get better, and your sex drive should return.

Marriage is a deeper committment than just the physical. It is a public declaration of a love and bond already established within your hearts. It says to the world that you are prepared to work together, through all odds, supporting each other and loving each other even when love is only an action, not a fuzzy feeling.

You'd only be stupid to marry him, if you didn't love him deeply. You'll figure the sex thing out in time but you have to be prepared to give it the time it needs.

Bern

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HWF -

As a fellow Double-Depressive, I definitely understand, although (most unfortunately) my libido refuses to go away. Still, some of the meds I have taken did dampen it even though they didn't solve that pesky depression problem. I had zero luck with Lexapro, and a couple of questions come to mind: Is your Lexapro working on the Double Depression (especially the Dysthymia), and, have you tried anything besides SSRIs? Wellbutrin, of course, is known for not squelching libido, and in some cases even enhancing it. Effexor XR can give people sexual side effects, but after I took a break from it, those effects didn't return for me. By all means talk to your pdoc about this, and especially if the Lexapro isn't quite cutting the mustard.

You might also want to post on the sexual side effects board in case folks there might have some ideas who don't read this depression board.

Your sexuality isn't gone; it's just masked right now. All is not lost.

Cerberus

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good for you that you care about it!!

i have a male friend who is just now divorcing his wife of 10 years. they haven't had sex more than a dozen times the whole tmie they've been married.

marriage, while being so much more than sex, is influenced by actual intimacy. you want to be close and share everything together.

with the SSRIs dulling your sex drive, how does that change your feelings of intimacy? sex is one way people connect. do you feel connected?

it seems like this bothers you. as i was saying, my friend's wife was in your position of not having a sex drive and wasn't intimate with him at all and had no desire to be, so it resulted in him feeling suicidal and worthless. he felt so terrible about himself until he got up the courage to get out of the marriage.

don't let the intimacy and love in your marriage suffer because of your lack of sex. if possible, find alternatives for sex. try to be intimate in other ways. as much as he will cooperate (and maybe he will if he realizes there is SEX involved), get him involved in counseling with you. let him know you feel terrible about your current sex life and want it to be better. heck, most guys would go for it! i hope your guy goes to the therapy with you. just go out of your way to show him that he's important and special, and that it doesn't take just sex for you to share your love.

best of luck with this!

loon

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Thanks, guys. I felt so embarassed to post this, and was glad to see that the responses are supportive.

It is just hard to know what your true feelings are for other people when your mood is changing all the time like mine does. I have noticed that the intensity of doubts I have about my relationship is positively correlated with how depressed I am at any given time.

Cerb--Yes, the Lexapro works on the major depression, I would say that it doesn't control the dysthymia as well, although I have periods of time when I am not dysthymic either. It definitely works well enough to make me seriously hesitant to drop it. I've only tried WellB as an adjunct to the Lexapro--my pdoc suggested that I try it solo but I decided against it. Maybe I should reconsider.

Loon--Do I feel connected? Yeah, I mean in the sense that we have a great friendship. I don't get loads of warm-n-fuzzies or anything which bothers me but we have been together for quite a while (six years). I guess I just feel (influenced by Lexapro maybe?) that a lot of the time I don't have strong feelings for anyone.

What it comes down to is that I recognize that my emotions aren't the best guide to how I really "feel" (if that makes ANY sense), but as a result it makes me really confuzzled when it comes to important issues like marriage.

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I think the situation you describe would put most people off sex for a while. Also, I think it's expected that you have doubts this close to the wedding.

Antidepressants definitely do mess around with sex, though not always in the same way.

I don't know how you'd feel about cuddling and messing around in some way to get your hubby off, but if it feels ok for you to do it, I'd bet it would feel more than ok for him.

Try to come up with reasons for you to touch. Perhaps after your honeymoon you should take a massage class together or something. Or cut his hair. I think touching has a definite positive effect on the emotional side of things, whether it's sexy touching or just affectionate. Of course, a lot of times an affectionate touch will start up some other stuff.

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ido- if she's like me with scissors, she may want to just wash his hair and skip the haircut! lol

really, it is great that you're thinking about it and talking about it. don't be embarrassed, we've all had our share of weird questions (i had a post about my pee not coming out, for example). that was embarrassing!

yes, i agree with ido, touching is important, whether directly sexually or sensuously. your new husband will be all for it!

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hollywoodfreaks,

i think that planning my wedding was one of the hardest things i've ever done. i was so uptight and stressed and just.... sex and intimacy were the furthest things from my mind. it did get better afterwards though. weddings are hard.

have you talked to your psychiatrist about this?

have you talked to your GP/gyno? you say that when you ovulate your drive changes. could this maybe mean something hormonal is a bit off? it's worth checking out, if you can.

cold feet, stress, depression, meds... these things don't mean your marriage will be sexless.

talk to your doctors.

remember that this stress will pass.

wishing you the best,

penny

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hi. i dont know what to tell ya, cuz this is your long-term love so i think u might be making the right decision (and i dont know enuff about your relationship)... , but i know there are meds that are used to counter the sexual side effects of other meds (SSRIs). a few that come to mind are wellbutrin, remeron, and strattera.

i take SSRIs too (zoloft in particular), and as far as the emotions go i can comment on that part (im not in a relationship so i cant really talk about my sex life).. if u are feeling numbed out emotionally it means you might want to try different medication. SSNRI (selective serotonin and norepinephrine) antidepressants like Cymbalta might help. but the augmentation strategy I discussed above (adding wellbutrin, remeron, or strattera) might also help the apathy.

so my point is just that depression is a serious problem that interferes with relationships and it sounds like med changes could help ("partial responder" to whatever you are on now)

This sucks. I'm getting married in two weeks to my long-term love. Who I almost never have sex with. The sex seems to have dropped off precipitously since I started taking meds. I just never think about it. Libido is mostly DOA except for sometimes when I'm ovulating. And when I have libido, "doing it" still seems very forced. Then again, my drive seem to be diminishing before meds.

I don't know what to think anymore. I'm starting to worry that we will never regain our sex life. Which, no, I don't think is a valid reason to call off the wedding. Why? I just think SSRIs numb everything--your feelings, your sex drive. Does anyone else agree? I'm praying that's all that it is. I know that when I stopped Wellbutrin as an adjunct, I seemed to regain my sex drive for a short time, although that doesn't make any sense.

Why is this happening? Is it the meds? Is it the underlying depression? Both? I really hope it's not just that I've lost my feelings for my SO. I don't think that is it b/c I almost never think about sex and rarely masturbate. However, I have to admit that I seem to have become less attracted to him physically. It never bothered me before that he was at an unhealthy weight, now it does.

This is really turning into a serious problem. I suggested that perhaps we should see a sex therapist, which he scoffed at. He says I turn to expensive professionals too easily. I'm just thinking, yeah my sex drive is just magically going to come back if we just keep waiting! Even though it's been more than a year.

Am I stupid to marry someone I have little to no sexual relationship with? Actually it is more than that, very little intimacy in general--I spend all day preparing for the wedding b/c I have no other choice (so much shit to do still), he spends god knows how many hours working every day b/c they have a deadline, plus we are supposed to be moving at the end of the month. Is it any wonder?

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  • 8 months later...

I'm here! Things are going just fine. I've had these libido problems for a long time and my husband is quite used to it. It helps that he has a low libido. The combo I'm on now isn't quite as libido deadening as before, but it's still pretty bad. I'm pretty much resigned to it.

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