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Married and BP


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My bp behaviours are wrecking my marriage on a few levels. When i met my wife i was in a period of what i like to call remission. I never had been diagnosed but had some major MI issues from elementary school through college. I warned her about this period of my life as well as some of the situations i had gone through. About 2 yrs ago shit started to unravel, it got to a stage where my employer asked me to get some help. Unfortunately the doc i picked was a pill pushing coctail giving quake. By the time i stopped seeing him and got a real doc he had me on 4 ad, 1 mood stabilizer, an amphetimine, a non amphetimine upper, benzo, and sleeping pills. While i was still seeing him and a tdoc at his office i made the mistake of being honest one day and showed and admitted to burning myself. Next stop hospital. Proper diagnosis. Loss of all trust from my wife. Ya see i am the primary caregiver of our kids, and a stay at home dad. To top it off i've had 3 car accidents in a year and she thinks they are subconcious suicide attempts. She has a fear about what i might do while one or both of the kids are in the car w/ me. This really is spreading every action i take now is under a microscope. She is under a lot of work stress, and we are both under financial stress being a single income family, but there needs to be a point where i can stop walking on eggshells. When i try to express this i'm reminded by her of all my fuckups and see more eggshells on the way. I tend to be more depressed during daytime, and manic in eveining. At night its like the hair on my body is just crawling ready to jump. The worse its getting, the more i want to slash and burn myself, but i know i can't handle another hospital visit, and don't know if the marriage can take it.

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"every action i take now is under a microscope"

Well Duh. You knew you had a mental illness and did not get good treatment for it before getting married and making kids. Knowing a person had issues in the past and LIVING with someone who is actively mentally ill are 2 different things.

"there needs to be a point where i can stop walking on eggshells"

Years of stability, treatment and honesty about your illness will bring that. You are not even at the stability part yet.

Marriage counseling is a good idea for the future. Untill you are on the right meds and getting good treatment, it is pointless.

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You've made some good steps--you see the patterns in your behavior, and triggers, and you, hopefully, are on better meds now. But if you are still having manias and urges to self-injur, you are NOT a safe caretaker for your kids. I'm sorry to say this--but I know. There was a time in my life when I had to decide that my (now ex-)husband was the LEAST crazy one of the 2 of us, and he became the primary parent in my son's life.

Honestly, in hindsite--my son would have been better with another relative, or even in foster care--his life with his dad was a disaster.

I know you and your wife are at wits end about finances, child care, trust issues, etc. etc. But you have GOT to get yourself stable before you can take care of your kids. Your wife sounds like she loves you, but believe me, that momma reflex, to care for those kids, takes president over everything. And you are having a time right now taking care of yourself, far less being a safe caretaker for your kids.

Please get with your doc/therapist/ whoever, and maybe even include your wife in this session--so she can understand whats going on.

Please do this soon--your wife and kids need to know they are safe, and that YOU are safe, and right now, noone is.

We care--please keep posting--

china

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Numbone,

You have been through so much in the last few months, but I am heartened at how much you have improved since hospital and finding a new doc. Don't lose hope.

You have always been diligent about taking care of your family. Be just as diligent about taking care of yourself. It is the best way to help your family. I see two points of mistrust:

Your wife is afraid for you. Rightfully. It is must be agonizing and scary for those around us to see us in such pain, acting oddly and unable to fix things. You will gain her confidence little by little as she sees you getting better.

Having been self reliant for so many years, and then having had a bad doc, you are understandably distrustfull of the medical establishment. Again, take a moment to reflect on how much you have improved this summer.

You say that you and your marriage can't survive another hospitalization. But that was what you said last time, and it wasn't true. You found out that your wife supported you, your parents supported you, and that you received intensive and immediate treatment that saved your life.

If you are having cycling depression and mania, and urges to SI, then you are not stable yet. It is not your fault. Seldom do we get better with out some plateaus and setbacks. Be sure that that you are talking to your Pdoc and therapist. Considering your present state you should probably be seeing your Pdoc every week or two. If you haven't call him first thing Monday and let him know how bad off you are. Don't sugar coat it, don't hold back anything. He needs to know this to judge your progress.

Perhaps your wife is also afraid of the unknown. Has she met with your Pdoc, your therapist? Perhaps meeting with them would anwser questions and encourage her about your progress.

Best,

a.m.

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"It is must be agonizing and scary for those around us to see us in such pain, acting oddly and unable to fix things. You will gain her confidence little by little as she sees you getting better. "

"Perhaps your wife is also afraid of the unknown. Has she met with your Pdoc, your therapist? Perhaps meeting with them would anwser questions and encourage her about your progress."

A.M. is right on with these statements.

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hiya-

i see both sides of what you are saying. on one hand, it isn't fair to you that you are being over-examined and over-analyzed by your wife, who believes that your car accidents must be suicide attempts, and who must remind you constantly of your fuck-ups. we all have done things in life we'd rather put in the past. this is especially true in marriage. it is about love and trust and forgiveness, right? why is she digging up old bones now that you are out of your remission?

i also see that being out of remission, you need to do all you can to establish yourself with a good medical team, and involve your wife in your treatment to the extent that she meet and have some faith in your team. it is important for her to believe they are valid and not just out for the buck too.

i think if it is hard for us to gain control of our lives and ourselves and to find ourselves again in all the crap we have to go through, it is just as hard for our loved ones to "trust" us again and face that we are not "fine". we are not people without our ups and downs, without highs and lows. there will be times of remission and times of distress. our loved ones have to either accept this or not. you say that you don't know if your marriage can survive another hospitalization. the real question is- can it NOT survive a hosptalization? if you are bad enough and suicidal/manic/si enough to need a hosptalization and do not go, how could you or your marriage survive that one? it is your responsibility first for your own life and for your children, you have to be alive to be there for them. even if your marriage cannot take the strain of you having a disorder, you have to be alive to be a father to your children. think of them when you want to hurt yourself, and think of them when you need the courage to admit yourself.

my father committed suicide 2 years ago. what a waste of life. i wish he had chosen hospitalization. even as an adult, i regret his decision. it messed me up for life. now i'm on ssd and perhaps, just perhaps, it could have been avoided- 4 hospitalizations in 2 years due to psychotic delusions of seeing him and wanting to kill myself to be with him,..

enough of me and my problems.

you need to focus on y ou and being there for your children. focus on your marriage second. get a good treatment team together, do what you can to integrate your wife into your treatment so she trusts your team and understands what is going on and what you are going through, but have the courage to stick it out, at least for those young ones who look up to you. you're a daddy, be a good one.

loon

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I guess i should have listed the meds i am now on. Depakote 3 * day, lamictal (down to 50 mg new doc is weening me off), abilify, and klono for anxiety. Things are 100% better than before the hospital, new doc, new meds, but still it is a constant fight. I haven't injured myself since the hospital, and to me suicidal thoughts have been w/ me since i was a kid. I know it sounds like bullshit, but there is no way i would kill myself even though the impulse is there.

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hiya-

it does take tinkering with your meds to find the right combo, where you don't feel the impulse at all to kill yourself, nor would you ever. i think it takes meds and therapy. i don't even know if everyone is lucky enough to get there. right now i'm in a remission- i have no idea how long it will last- but at least that part of my disorder is at bay. the other parts of my disorder, like the mania, are still in full-force, but at least the depression side is gone...

give your meds time to kick in, and don't be afraid to ask for aggressive treatment when you think your meds need some alteration or if they're not working like you hope. maybe the pdoc can come up with something new or explain why you are on something and not something else. all of this can be weird.

so, with coming off of depakote, you'll be on abilify and klonopin? you and your pdoc should really monitor that closely. don't let me be the prophet of gloom and doom, or the pusher of drugs, because i'm one who loves polypharmacy. i just believe that for the bipolar we need a mood stabilizer. maybe abilify can do it for you and maybe not, but i'd watch it carefully. can abilify do all of these things for you? i guess you'll find out. don't be shy about reporting symptoms and don't freak out if you're given more drugs. one look at my signature tells you i take a few.

loon

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hiya-

it does take tinkering with your meds to find the right combo, where you don't feel the impulse at all to kill yourself, nor would you ever. i think it takes meds and therapy. i don't even know if everyone is lucky enough to get there. right now i'm in a remission- i have no idea how long it will last- but at least that part of my disorder is at bay. the other parts of my disorder, like the mania, are still in full-force, but at least the depression side is gone...

give your meds time to kick in, and don't be afraid to ask for aggressive treatment when you think your meds need some alteration or if they're not working like you hope. maybe the pdoc can come up with something new or explain why you are on something and not something else. all of this can be weird.

so, with coming off of depakote, you'll be on abilify and klonopin? you and your pdoc should really monitor that closely. don't let me be the prophet of gloom and doom, or the pusher of drugs, because i'm one who loves polypharmacy. i just believe that for the bipolar we need a mood stabilizer. maybe abilify can do it for you and maybe not, but i'd watch it carefully. can abilify do all of these things for you? i guess you'll find out. don't be shy about reporting symptoms and don't freak out if you're given more drugs. one look at my signature tells you i take a few.

loon

The depakote i'm on, its the lamictal i'm going off of.

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