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What is my F'ing Problem


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I have a good life. Children that I love. A career that I have always wanted. A husband who loves and supports me in anything I do.

I called in sick to my job, I am ignoring my children (even getting frustrated with them when they need something (they are 1 and 3) and I can't stop feeling: depressed, down, numb, dumb, worthless, unworthy, fat, ugly....the list could go on for ever.

I have tried:

zoloft

prozac

prozac & wellbutrin

Celexa

Buspar

I am currently taking Cymbalta, wellbutrin and xanax (as needed). FTW? I have felt this way since I can remember and all

I can do is think about the kind of damage I am doing to my kids. Are they going to grow up like me? ;)

I don't know what I am asking for. Just needed to get it off my chest.

I am starting to feel like maybe my kids would be better off without me.

Sigh.

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Do you have a p-doc? Well you must because you get your meds somewhere. I think you need to call RIGHT NOW. Not tomorrow (in case you think you might feel better) but now.

Tell him/her what you have just told us. You are miserable.

And NO. Your kids would not be better off without you. It would fuck them up really good though.

Call.

Call now.

Breeze

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a big one is missing from your list, actually 2- lex and paxil. have you tried either? lexapro is a weaker cousin of paxil. paxil will knock you on your ass. it knocked my depression out pronto. i was in the hospital for bipolar depression and with a mood stabilizer in place, they gave me paxil and it was like heaven in a pill. i'd give those ones a try. they may do it.

you can also try to add mood stabilizers. some deperssed people have luck adding lithium or lamictal to their ADs and somehow, it adds to the potency of their AD and gives it a kick. i've heard a lot of stories of this. during my 5 hospitalizations, this seemed to be a common practice for the depressed who had been in the hospital more than once.

there are also atypical antipsychotics. several depressed people here on the boards take them. stuff like seroquel will also tend to knock depression on its ass. it is worth looking into if mood stabilizers won't do it for you.

i'd talk to your pdoc about these treatments that are "traditionally" left for bipolar patients. they are often very useful for depressed patients.

and your kids LOVE AND CHERISH YOU. i talk about this a lot because it is so important for people to hear it and understand it. my dad killed himself about 2 years ago. i'm 28 and i was 25 at the time i found him dead on the floor. he did it with pmeds. i went super crazy. i was in and out of the psych ward for hallucinations 4 times in 2 years. it is what gave me the ptsd and the psychotic part of my bipolar disorder. before then i never had psychosis. my dad was my life and my world. he was everything to me. he was bp1 and i wish i would have seen the signs. i often blame myself, and i talk about it here sometimes. i talk to him on the death and grieving board too. but never in my life has anything impacted me so much, adn i don't think anything else ever could compare. my mother is all i have left. i love her wtih my life too. if she was gone i'd be in the hospital for the rest of my life.

so you ARE THE LIGHT OF THEIR LIVES!!! please, in all your depression, don't forget how much they love you, and how much my dad and i loved each other. there is a parent-child bond that is never broken.

loon

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Here's a story for you:

My Mum has suffered major depression all of her life. When I was a new born (winter baby here) she left me up behind the shed because I wouldn't stop crying - post natal depression. Throughout our childhood there were desperate times where we just had no idea what Mum was going to be feeling. I worried myself sick about her in my teenage years.

But we got through. We love Mum and we grew to understand her illness. I, more than my brother and sister, as I too suffer from depression. It's not her fault, and I'm coping ok with it (most days).

Just love them as best you can, when you can, and you'll get there.

Also, have you tried the dreaded effexor-xr?

Bern

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sensation- i second you- i wish i had a husband and children. i'm 28 so it could still be in the works, though on SSD it doesn't look like i'm a main attraction over here, but maybe in time...

we're both eligible people. let's ride this out.

end of topic take-over

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Thanks for your replies everyone!

No, I haven't tried Paxil or Effexor. I have been wondering about the mood stabilizers though. I haven't asked my Dr. about them.....he is my PCP. He works alot with people with mental issues but now I am beginning to wonder about his limited choice in meds.....I smell a kickback, if you kwim.

I have been considering going to a p-doc for a while. I have been avoiding it because of the stigma behind going to one.....it is like I would have to admit something that I already know.

Loon and Bernard, thank you so much for the insight on the parent/child thing. I guess I would rather be here and potentially screw them up a little vs. taking my own life and potentially screwing them up for life.

I am so sorry you both have been through what you have.

I did call my PCP right after I posted and he has increased my wellbutrin and cymbalta and wants to see me in 2 weeks. I guess if I am not feeling better I will ask about a referal to a p-doc.

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If you have been feeling depressed for a long time...

please please please please please

do not think for one moment about a stigma related to seeing a pdoc....

for heaven's sake...it is your life...not anyone else's so who cares what anyone else thinks...I see one once a week and so do a lot of people here and so what...really...we do it because we need to...because our mental health depends on it...do it for you...pdocs know how to deal with long-term depression in ways that regular docs just DO NOT...

And one other thing...I say this becuase I super really care...think hard and see if there have been any points in your life where you experienced any "highs" or what they call hypomanias (or heck, even full blown manias)...you know...any points where your energy was unusually high, where you felt like you were just kicking life's ass or whatever...OR if anyone in your family had bipolar disorder or anything resembling this...

I say this because if so, a mood stabilizer just may be the ticket for you...that or some sort of aytpical antipsychotic...nope atypicals are not just for breakfast anymore...they are not just for someone experiencing psychotic symptoms, they are good for mood stabilization for many people...I'm one of them...Seroquel has been a mood stabilizing life saver in the depression dept...

I really hope you get the help you need soon...I know what it is like to feel like you are not there for your kids and letting them down because you're just so darned depressed and feeling guilty because you feel like you SHOULD be happy...that's your chemistry set gone awry, you know...don't blame yourself...get the help you need...no shyness...see that pdoc...

Take care,

~Cat

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I resisted going to a p-doc for years, too, thinking I couldn't possibly be crazy enough to go to a psychiatrist, for crying out loud. But, evidently I was, because within six months of finally being desperate enough to make an appointment, he had come up with a combination for me, which my general doc would not have done, and at doses that my regular doc wouldn't have touched, but that works. There's just something about being able to enjoy life, love your children and feel good about your work that makes the whole idea of stigma seem stupid.

Do it. Make the call. There are answers. You don't have to suffer like this. It can get better.

Greeny

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Very few people have to know about a pdoc. Your pharmacist. Your pdoc. Your husband. Someone at the insurance company, if that's how you get your health care.

Your kids need you. They WON'T be better off without. If they turn out depressed, it probably was going to happen anyway.

Are you having an extended bout of post partum depression? I don't know if that has treatment implications or not.

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I have a good life. Children that I love. A career that I have always wanted. A husband who loves and supports me in anything I do.

NJ - The implied statement you make here is that depression is somehow connected with the actual circumstances of your life, the way grief, for instance, is associated with death. It isn't. What's so insidious about depression is that it's a biophysical malfunction that actually masks itself as a cognitive failure. Imagine if you had a disease of the spleen that left you absolutely convinced you'd turned purple. People from all walks of life, and all positions on Fortune's wheel suffer from depression, and the way they feel has absolutely nothing to do with whether they're grateful for their lot. It's a disease, and no more worthy of shame than asthma, or diabetes, or any other chronic condition that people take medication for without a second thought.

It is often helpful to write down exactly what you're feeling (as you did here) and then review it a little later, trying to be as objective as possible, even as though you were talking about someone else. Look for words like these:

dumb, worthless, unworthy, fat, ugly....the list could go on for ever.
Are you in fact dumb? Obviously not
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  • 2 weeks later...

Why can't I just not be f'ing nearsighted (prone to atrial fib, old, easily sunburned, etc.) ? Why?

i.e. continue trying to find treatment that works, ok?

I'm continually amazed that people don't just drop their babies and toddlers out the window. If you haven't, you have some kind of self control, because kids and toddlers definitely don't.

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