Jump to content

Revert to childhood (5 years old)


Recommended Posts

My best friend has PTSD. Her doctor finally pushed her to admit it. So, lately she is having flashbacks and she zones out all the time. It's very scary because she is a manager at a big company and cant afford to lose her job.

Anyway, lately she has been staying at my place because there are no "shadows" there. I have been keeping an eye on her and I'll nudge her to snap out of it when she zones out. When she sleeps and has a nightmare, I will wake her up. Sometimes, she wil be swinging her arms and talking and I have to slap her pretty hard to get her to wake up.

Three days ago, she went "somewhere" and I couldnt get her to wake up. I tried slapping her but it didnt work (I dont know how else to wake her up so I have been slapping her. I think it's pretty harsh but I'm not sure what else I can do). Her eyes were open the whole time and she was starring at me. I yelled in her face "Please wake up or I'm going to slap you again." When I said that she got this sad look on her face. She looked terrified and begged me not to slap her. It was weird. I knew it wasnt my friend. So, I sat down next to her and started talking to her. She was talking in a little girl voice- weird too- so I talked to her as if she was a little girl. We talked for a long time. We talked about her dogs, her stuffed animal. Well, lets just say we talked for a long time. She kept mentioning that her mom would get mad if she saw us talking and that she needed to go.

For some reason, I was thinking that I was talking to my friend at the age of 4 or 5. Then, last night I was trying to wake my friend up and she did it again. One way I know that she has changed is that she rubs her eyes and nose real hard like she has allergies. Later, I asked my friend if she was allergic to cats (I have 2.) and she said that her mom used to tell her she was allergic but she wasnt sure if she really was. She hasnt had any problems staying at my place the last month.

I forgot my point... Saturday night she went to sleep and I saw her waving her arms and flinching real bad. She woke up and rubbed her nose. So, I asked her where she hurt and the little girl talked to me again. She told me that her mom had punched her in the eye for being a smart alec and she asked if she was bleeding. This time I didnt know what to say to the girl. I tried to make her feel better but I really didnt know how to make her feel safe or trust me. She left real fast.

I told my friend and we were talking about if it was real or not. Her mind has been really messed up so it could just be that. IF it is true, I need to know what to say to this little girl. I want to help my friend. She says she hates the little girl inside of her and she takes the blame for eveything that has ever happened. So, I try to let the little girl know that her mom was wrong. She was still a good girl and that it isnt her fault.

So, is this bizarre? I havent ever heard of this before. I really care for my friend and I think she is losing her mind- really. If it is true, what do I say to this girl to make her trust me and feel safe around me?

And, if you know the best way to get her awake instead of slapping her, let me know please.

Thanks,

Dirty

Link to comment
Share on other sites

sounds a lot like DID to me...

as for what to say to the little girl... pretty much what you would say to any scared little kid. make sure she knows she is safe now, that she is staying with you and the person who hurt her is not there now. whether she is just reverting because of stress, or whether it is actually a little kid coming out, she needs that reassurance.

good luck to you both!!

abifae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for chiming in Abi....I knew you would have some good advise on this (nothing like hearing from the exeprienced!)

(SIde note to Abi...I can't IM you now..I am at the office, so if I don't respond I am not ignoring you Ijust left the darn program on at home...honest! LOL)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for chiming in Abi....I knew you would have some good advise on this (nothing like hearing from the exeprienced!)

(SIde note to Abi...I can't IM you now..I am at the office, so if I don't respond I am not ignoring you Ijust left the darn program on at home...honest! LOL)

yep yep! my boyfriend and i have actually discussed it. i said, what if everything i think happened is just me being schizophrenic, and my family is right that it was a merry house...

and he said that if an imaginary event effects you that strongly, you still have to work through it. and all that matters is where i am now, not why i got there. which i have to agree with.

so i don't think it matters where the little girl comes from, as long as she is taken care of while she is here.

abifae

(ps wifezilla... sure you aren't ignoring me! i see how it is ;) )

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks you guys. I read up on DID and it says that some people have pseudoseizures. She is totally stressed out and had a seizure (what it seemed to me) the other night. Her doctor thinks the seizure was from not taking her clonazepam right (she took too little that night). Anyway, her doctor says she doesnt have multiple personalities, but I think she does. Oh, she is so mad at that little girl. She blames that girl for everything that went wrong (instead of her family). My friend is having problems getting mad or crying. She gets abused in her dreams and wakes up sore. This is all very new to me. One doctor says I should tell the little girl that it's 2006 and that it's all imaginary but I'm not sure about doing that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The doctor sounds a bit like an ass.

And there is controversy as to whether or not DID "exists". You may have one of those doctors that doesn't believe or understand DID.

The fact that she is blaming everything on the little girl...well DUH! Abuse victims blame themselves a lot. "Compartmentalizing" the experiences of the little girl is a way to distance herself from the abuse. Blaming the little girl is blaming herself.

She may need to find a different doctor who can help her more than she is being helped now. Saying it is imaginary...well...imaginary or NOT...it is THERE. Still have to deal with it.

And if you see the little girl again...tell her it wasn't her fault and that your friend doesn't understand that yet. And no slapping.

(Disclaimer....I am not a doctor nor do I play one on TV. These are just my guesses based on info provided.)

Abi...any input on this?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

oh goodness yes. i love having input lolol.

first of all, call around for a new doc that understands DID. there used to be websites that listed DID friendly doctors... but that was years ago and i can't even remember the site.

second, as wifezilla said, of COURSE she'll blame the little girl. that poor kids been blamed for this probably the last several decades! we didn't start getting along in here until we quit blaming ourselves and one another and put the blame where it belonged. and that took a long time.

i also got pseudo seizures. for some reason, it's part of having strong flashbacks for me. i have read that DID and frontal epilepsy look very similar on eegs (ekgs? - the brain measuring one).

and, if you think about it logically, if every bad memory you have, and every bad emotion, gets compartmentalized to the point that you grow alters in your head (that's my explanation of DID lol)... doesn't it make sense you can't get hold of emotions and memories to use now? of course she can't get mad or sad or cry... those feelings are gone. the little girls holding it could do it, i bet, though!

ummm... explaining it is 2006 can be scary, but telling her its imaginary is a flat out lie. it might be in the past, but it happened. so that's not imaginary at all.

littles need to know that they are right, that they are safe, and that they aren't alone.

abifae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks you guys. She zoned out last night after a long day at work and I pinched her, instead of the slapping. Then, the second time I hugged her and they both seemed to work.

The girl came around this morning. My friend was sleeping pretty hard. I didnt want to wake her because she needs all the sleep she can get. But, I had to. I tapped on her arm and asked real quietly if she wanted to get up. She told me she had to go to school. We had a few mintues to talk. She told me she loved me and gave me a hug. It was nice. Then, I think she fell asleep.

I keep seeing this little girl as a seperate person. I'm not quite sure how to look at it all. I do tell her that she is safe and she will always be safe when I am there.

Thanks guys.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The reason the girl may be popping out is specifically because she does feel safe around you. And I would go with the hugs instead of the pinches.

As far as how to view the alter. Hell...I am just learning this myself. Not sure how much help I can be. I do see the shifts when some of Abi's alters come up front to visit, but I am sure there are other times she is shifting and I don't have a clue. I treat them at whatever age they seem to be. And I ask lots of questions which I am sure the littles think are silly. ;) So far she hasn't told me to fuck off, so I must be doing something right...right Abi? LOL

Just a heads up, there may be others in there. Only time will tell.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

it sounds like a DID case to me, you might want to read www.mosaicminds.com, they've got some good info on DID.

this little girl is taking all the blame for what happened and is coming out because she trusts you. she's holding all the fear and agony and her holding these feelings has saved your friend from having them in her face, and enabled her to get ahead in life wtihout being bogged down by these feelings. hence the function of an alter.

she needs to see a pdoc who believes that she does have at least one alter and will work with her on it. there are medication therapies and tdoc therapies designed to integrate the person as a whole self again.

edited- it is probably in her best interest to talk to a lawyer in regards to what rights she has as someone with a disability in the workplace.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

*nodding in agreement at loon and WZ*

for an interesting read, there's a book written by multiples called "MPD: From the Inside Out"... they may have changed it to "DID From the Inside Out", I don't know, but it's really neat.

just as an fyi... the first few months of someone realizing they have alters is not too bad... but then memories really start coming up and everything is pretty crazy for a while. most multiples i know refer to it later as "those first two years"... but it does get better. and there are a lot of fun times to be had. littles are hilarious, like any small child. sometimes it's just funnier seeing it in an adult body. my littles still climb onto the counter to turn on the stove... even though the body can reach it just fine! lol.

this is a great place for you to blow steam if you need to when things get rough too. my friends all told me that being friends with me was really rough for a while in there.

i'm glad the little girl is able to feel safe enough with you to come talk ;) that's pretty cool.

abifae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks, you guys.

Yes, it has been hard. And she has health problems too (heart, addiction, liver and eyes). I have taken so much time off of work to help her. Some days I have to help her shower and she is a big girl.

She tells me how much she appreciates me. I know she would be there for me. That's why I haven't given up. Although, I did get mad when she didnt want to be with me. That night she was suicidal. She always wants to be alone then, and I understand. I threw my cigarettes on the table and said "whatever". I was so mad. All the things I have done. All the work and nights without sleep! But then I calmed down and asked her to sit next to me and talk. We talked about it and we both calmed down. I wouldnt help and do all this work for anybody else. Normally, I would have left weeks into it.I have never loved anybody like this. I love my family but it's a different kind of love.

I thought hypnosis was a great idea but her doctor says no. So, since the doc said no..I went to the book store and bought a guided meditation CD. She took her meds and fell asleep. I popped the CD in, put it on repeat shuffle and stuck the ear pieces in her ear. When I woke her up the next morning, the guy on the CD was still talking in her ear. She said she didnt have any nightmares. She was a little weirded out when she woke up with some guy talking to her. That was the first time she has slept a few hours- I mean real good sleep. She looked good. I know the CD thing is only going to last a few weeks. I think that when she gets used to it and knows the words and all, she may have nightmares again. Right now, she is out of town and doesnt have anybody to wake her up so she hasn't tried it again.

Against her doc's wishes, I told her what the little girl said recently. I told her that the little girl thinks my friend (adult) is mad at her. When she heard that, I think something clicked. Now, I think she feels sorry for the girl now. The next morning, she woke up and rubbed her nose (little girl). She was upset. She could barely move. I asked what happened and she told me that my friend went in took her away from the house. The little girl was outside the house, looking in. She said my friend wasn't safe. I told her that it was ok, my friend was an adult now and that she couldnt handle her parents. I told her that my friend saved her because she did love her and she is trying so hard to help. So, the little girl decided it was ok to take a trip with me. I told her that we could leave and never come back. Her idea was to take a train to San Diego. When the man was coming to check our tickets, she said she had to go to the restroom. Then, my friend (adult) woke up when I asked the little girl "you have to go to the restroom?" My friend didnt understand how I knew that. She woke up bleeding that morning. Her doctor says that is called a body memory (if I didnt talk about that before).

My friend told me later that day that she took the girl out of the house and when she went back in to get a stuffed animal for her, she never made it back out. It was her mom was beating her in that nightmare. Then she told me she wasnt 42 (age today) but that she was 27. The last time she was beat up in real life.

This just came to my mind... she was having a dream of the girl (talking to me) and having a dream about getting beat up by her mom at the same time? I dont get that. It's so complex and confusing.

Her doctor says she doesnt had DID, but maybe she lies to keep her from getting scared. My friend cries everyday about how tired she is of all this. She never cries about what is going on - just cries because she is tired. She wants to use drugs and drink or kill herself. I tell her that it WILL come to an end and that she needs to hang in there. I tell her that, if she knew what she would gain from all this, if she could just see it- she would fight for it. She would have a real identity of herself, she will be living an honest life for once..stuff like that. If she could she the end result, she would know it is worth fighting for. She says I am the only reason she hasnt killed herself. I am the only one that she knows loves her and it would hurt me so bad. And, it would. Anyway, to hear you say "years" sounds so bad. It makes me wonder if she can make it. All she has is the hope that it will end soon. More memories are still coming back. I want it to be like this.. you have one memory, you learn to deal with it and accept it, then you have another memory, ect. Ya know? Only one memory at a time. It's so overwhelming. Years seems so long. I asked her last night about joining a support group. I read that it's good to hear how other people reacted the same way so she can quit blaming herself for all of it. How she reacted and what she does is how anybody else would react and that she was conditioned to react the way she did/does. I want her to get to the angry stage. She gets tired of all of it but never really cries for herself and what happened. I want her to get angry at her parents.

Her dad died 10 years ago. Her mom is still alive. Her mom acts as if nothing has ever happened and makes her feel quilty for not returning her calls. It is really tearing her up. She says she doesnt care about the past because her mom is old and sick (not to me) and needs to be loved and she doesnt want anybody to hurt. She told me yesterday that she was going to give in and see her mom. I cried. I begged her to not go. I told her that she will eventually be able to see her mom (I think and hope that's a lie but I said it anyway). I said she just wasnt ready for it yet. Her mom is so mean and makes her feel quilty. It pisses me off. I dont know how to talk her out of going. I dont want to give an ultimatum. The way I see it is, this is the life her mom built for herself and I think she deserves to live/die alone.

Man, I had a ton to say today. I think I just needed to get this all of my chest. She is away and I am lonely. I worry about her since I cant be with her. She told me she had a flashback and yelled when she came to. This was on the airplane. The lady next to her asked if she was ok. Now, she is in a giant conference with other managers from all over the world. I think she will only become that little girl when I am around. I worry about her.

I will check out that website.

Thanks again for all your help. It helps me know what to do and what to expect.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hypnosis can be interesting with multiples. technically, DID is a giant set up of self hypnosis. hypnosis can accidently trigger off all kinds of things because (being self hypnotized) a lot of abuse happened while hypnotized. if that makes any sense. i'm not always good at explaining things.

i think it is better for her to know what the little girl says too. i odn't think much of her doctor. he doesn't believe in DID, so she doesn't have it. a lot of people i know who are multiple were told they were just lying for attention. it's like the modern version of "vapors" in their minds, i guess. i think that's crap, though.

body memories suck. i used to wake up with bruises and be very confused, becuase if the dream wasn't real, why did i have real bruises?? i am still amazed that the body can bruise and bleed with nothing happening other than very very strong memories.

as for dreaming of several things at once, sort of hearing what happens "up front" and still doing things inside... we are good at multi-tasking lol. and sometimes, there are a lot of people doing different things, and sometimes several of those things get filtered together up front. like i said, i suck at explaining things. but that's normal, in any case.

i had tons of times i didn't think i'd make. i'd be suicidal, or couldn't see any end to it... but we got through. most people do. i mean, you made it through bad things actually happening, so you can make it through remembering those bad things. it isn't easy, but it is definitely possible!!

it just feels like it drags on and on and on. it's frustrating. and for me, as soon as i got one level figured out, here would come more crap buried under it!! i got so mad! but eventually, we made it through. i almost never have flashbacks anymore, and no one in here does really either. it's becoming once every half year or so we get flashbacks, nothing constant.

if she needs to, she can come to this board too, or one of the specific multiple boards, and try to figure stuff out ;) personally, i never did well on the other boards, because i kept thinking they were all dwelling too much and doing way too little living lol. but i'm kind of an ass most of the time. they were great when i was first learning and needing to constantly freak out, though. somewhere i wouldn't get in trouble for repeating myself all the time lol.

take care :)

abifae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think I know what you mean. When the abuse happens to get hypnotized (like you zone out). I think that's what you are saying. I think I understand a little.

I dont know if it's better for my friend to believe she has DID or believe what the doctor is saying. Saying that she is DID may scare her. I havent really told her what I think about it. It's not my place, I guess. Would her treatment be the same if she was or wasn't labeled that?

Do you think the meditation CD is bad for her? Maybe I shouldn't have done that.

Also.. I read that antipsychotics are not good for DID patients. Is that true? Isn't that what Seroquel and Trazadone are?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think I know what you mean. When the abuse happens to get hypnotized (like you zone out). I think that's what you are saying. I think I understand a little.

I dont know if it's better for my friend to believe she has DID or believe what the doctor is saying. Saying that she is DID may scare her. I havent really told her what I think about it. It's not my place, I guess. Would her treatment be the same if she was or wasn't labeled that?

Do you think the meditation CD is bad for her? Maybe I shouldn't have done that.

Also.. I read that antipsychotics are not good for DID patients. Is that true? Isn't that what Seroquel and Trazadone are?

yep, that's what i am saying - you self hypnotize to get through the abuse. i don't think the CD is hurting her. it's helping her sleep. if she's resting quietly, that's a good thing! i love meditation CDs... i just don't trust a doctor (especially one who doesn't believe i exist because i'm an alter in this system) trying to hypnotize me and convince me i don't exist.

honestly, i don't think it's healthy for her to believe she is a liar if she actually IS DID. you know her well enough - if you think she is telling the truth, and that little girl is telling the truth, than it is not healthy for her to be told she is lying by her doctors.

personally, i was thrilled to be told what was going on. i'd spent my whole life having blackouts and fugue (losing time) and being confused about what was happening in my own life. it was a relief to realize there was a reason and that i wasn't extremely psychotic. i heard voices so often, i thought i'd have to be locked up for good.

it IS scary, but it's better to know so you can work on things than to hide from the truth. it's HER coping mechanism, she should address it.

and anti-psychotics are just pretty useless when you dissociate. they're designed to correct chemical imbalances. so of course, if your chemicals ARE in balance, they can create an imbalance.

the treatment is very different when you're DID. you have to learn inner communication and you have to face the memories and emotions if you want to absorb back into yourself all the parts you've cut off. in either case, chemical or dissociative, you should be learning coping mechanisms that work NOW lol. that's the big problem with being any kind of dissociative. yeh, it was great when you were a child, but now you're losing time and spacing out when you really need to be "there" to survive. it's backfiring as an adult.

abifae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

She got back in town last night and she woke me up with her nightmares. No biggie though. I am used to it, I think. She had some pretty bad flashbacks and wanted to cut. I went to grab some Klonopin. I was only gone a minute and I found her in my knife drawer. I wasnt too sure on how to handle that, but we made it.

I just got on tonight to check this site again. She doesnt know what to do or how to cope with it. She doesnt think that anybody else has gone through what she has. She thinks it was so bad that the other kids that were with her are dead.. They didnt make it. She thinks there is no way anybody can survive all that because it is so terrible. Tonight she had a long flashback and saw the other kids that were there and now she feels guilty for not being able to help the little ones. She cried some. That was when she lost control and tried to cut.

Anyway, I want to find people that she can talk to; to hear their stories so she can relate and not feel alone. To learn how they cope. She wont go to support groups.

I love to read your advice, experience and opinions. If you can help me think of anything I can do, please let me know.

Thanks Abifae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She got back in town last night and she woke me up with her nightmares. No biggie though. I am used to it, I think. She had some pretty bad flashbacks and wanted to cut. I went to grab some Klonopin. I was only gone a minute and I found her in my knife drawer. I wasnt too sure on how to handle that, but we made it.

I just got on tonight to check this site again. She doesnt know what to do or how to cope with it. She doesnt think that anybody else has gone through what she has. She thinks it was so bad that the other kids that were with her are dead.. They didnt make it. She thinks there is no way anybody can survive all that because it is so terrible. Tonight she had a long flashback and saw the other kids that were there and now she feels guilty for not being able to help the little ones. She cried some. That was when she lost control and tried to cut.

Anyway, I want to find people that she can talk to; to hear their stories so she can relate and not feel alone. To learn how they cope. She wont go to support groups.

I love to read your advice, experience and opinions. If you can help me think of anything I can do, please let me know.

Thanks Abifae

my ex and i were both survivors of similar stuff (there's a mistake i'll never make again! dating someone just because we had the common ground of abuse lol). anyway, we had a rule about cutting. sometimes cutting was deemed necessary, so we just made precautions.

the rules were: you had to use a clean blade; you could not cut deep enough for stitches; you had to properly clean and care for the wound; you were required to talk about WHY you had to cut, and not just blowing it off as "nothing". it cut down a lot on the cutting, and when we felt we did have to cut, because we couldn't get out the feelings any other way, well we were required to talk about it.

i was convinced i was the only one who made it through a lot of things too... turned out i was wrong. going to the boards for survivors and multiples helped with that delusion. it's a pretty normal one though. for me, it was a combination of some kids did die (and therefore, why was i stuck dealing with it) and feeling so very alone in the pain (no one else ever could have gotten through all this!)...

if you are able, i'd say guide her to websites by and for other survivors. i found them very useful when i was first dealing with all this. it helps you know you aren't alone, and it's one place all the weird shit is normal and acceptable. that can be very comforting! i was never one for support groups in person, either. it was bad enough if i cried or got upset at home on the computer... but in front of anyone??? no way.

eventually, i met some multiples who lived near me and we'd get together and let the littles play with other littles. lol. or we'd have "multi-outtings" where we'd get three or four of us together and hit bookstores together and it was pretty fun.

i think it's great you're sticking through all this. i feel far more for my friends than for me those first couple of years. i was so immersed in the pain, i didn't notice exactly what was going on... but my friends had to deal with all of it lol.

abifae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...