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angry at myself


Iona_Viona

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i am really angry at myself because the last 2 times i have cut i havent been able to do a very good job. They just look like scratches. im not sure if it is my razor blades getting dull, or that i am chickening out, or i am not dissociating as well as before now i am on abilify hence i cant cut as deep without really feeling the pain.

now this should be a good thing, so why do i feel like such a failure?

i keep beating myself up saying i must be weak now, or im a pathetic loser who cant even cut right.

I have found no substitue for this behaviour so i can feel the emotions it normally relieves building and building inside.

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i am really angry at myself because the last 2 times i have cut i havent been able to do a very good job. They just look like scratches. im not sure if it is my razor blades getting dull, or that i am chickening out, or i am not dissociating as well as before now i am on abilify hence i cant cut as deep without really feeling the pain.

now this should be a good thing, so why do i feel like such a failure?

i keep beating myself up saying i must be weak now, or im a pathetic loser who cant even cut right.

I have found no substitue for this behaviour so i can feel the emotions it normally relieves building and building inside.

It is in no way a competition... not at all. There really should not be such a thing as a "good" and "bad" job in regard to something like this... the damage you have done to yourself...

My brain is just begging to ask, though, what do you mean by "[...] or i am not dissociating as well as before now i am on abilify hence i cant cut as deep without really feeling the pain?" I mean, I understand what you are surfacely saying, but it is the "dissociating as well as before" that is sort of bothering me a little, Iona. It makes me feel like you want to sink and not be helped. It almost sounds like the fact that you were dissociating was more like a power you posessed that is now weakened a bit... you would rather be "dissociating as well as before." I don't exactly know what you want, honey, I really don't.

Cutting shallow does not make you a failure by any means. Not cutting / cutting shallow scratches makes you stronger than going all the way... giving in to the urge that you have so many times before... believe me.You aren't a pathetic loser who can't cut right... maybe you are just someone who is depending on cutting a little less. Isn't that a goal most of us have here? To eventually stop self-injuring? You have nothing to feel bad about.

As always, I would suggest that maybe you should talk to the doctor the next time you see him/her and see what happens.

Take extra special care of yourself

~Ophelia~

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