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DDNOS? what about the hallucinations?


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:):cussing::wtf: just in case

I have big fat real sounding hallucinations. People talking about me like I'M not there, people saying that I wont be here much longer, That they are going to shut me out of my body... I have a bunch of voices in my head that talk to me, about me and amongst them selves. When I was little I would run and hide in side my head when the hurting started. I am missing many years of my life from memory and anymore I can't control the stepping back from my body, life, traumas and even joy...I just go away. I don't know what changed and dont remember when it started, but through all of my years of trying to drink myself away from the things that I DID remember the voices started to take on personalities, usually fairly shallow ones, defined by bold characteristics. I have never considered them as seperate persons as they stay inside my head and chatter . They DO seem to control things when I disappear. I have a lot of thing, mostly clothing that I wouldn't be caught dead wearing, that some part of me has bought over the last few years, and I often come back from where ever I go to find myself in the middle of cutting or burning myself. I feel like I broken mirror.

For several days when I was in the psych ward last week, the voice that I call the psycho bitch, taunted and screamed for me to do something radical and self demeaning or self mutilating, she kept trying to get me to gouge out my eyes, or break one of the plastic sporks until I got a sharp edge and saw on myself. I hate her and want free of her constant nattering and threatening. It gets really chaotic inside my head when several people are yelling all at once. I feel like I've REALLY gone over the edge and am now just full out mad as a hatter. They ramped my seroquel up to 800mg and I'm that it will turn down the noise level a bit. Gotta keep hoping. I don't know if this DDNOS was the final judgement or not, so I'm reluctant to speculate and Google my bum off until I know

All in all I feel crazier than I was before my week in the nuthouse. But at least hey gave me a fat increase in Seroquel.

Is anyone else here DDNOS? how do deal with all the inside blather? Is it possible to be either stuck or on the cusp of developing full other selves or do they always come out fully formed like Athena? Do they sometimes just stay inside and not form whole identities? What about the other stuff. Can you ever learn to control your dissociating and depersonalizing? I feel like I'm constantly being hijacked and I want my friggin' life back ;)

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Is anyone else here DDNOS? how do deal with all the inside blather? Is it possible to be either stuck or on the cusp of developing full other selves or do they always come out fully formed like Athena? Do they sometimes just stay inside and not form whole identities? What about the other stuff. Can you ever learn to control your dissociating and depersonalizing? I feel like I'm constantly being hijacked and I want my friggin' life back ;)

i'm DID, but i had a lot of the same questions when we first started noticing each other around here...

i think it's all a big spectrum... you can be stuck on a cusp... these are ways we coped as very small children. none of us read the manual on properly becoming dissociative or multiple. there are as many ways to be dissociative as there are dissociative people.

we sort of control the dissociating. after ten years of working together, we are fairly capable of saying "we have to work. only the following people are allowed out until we leave" or "the littles need to play for a while, so you big people need to back off for a few hours" or whatever. that takes a lot longer, because we all had to communicate and cooperate well enough for it to work.

i would guess that it will get easier the more of the memories and feelings you accept back into yourself. the less you compartmentalize, the less you'll need to depersonalize. and that takes time. and effort. lots and lots of effort. but it's very possible :)

being hijacked is a great term for it. one of our big hurdles was for us to let one another get hurt. we didn't have to rescue one another anymore, we were all safe enough to allow small hurts.

good luck. things will get better as you work on it. it just really really sucks at first because you're dealing with the memories and emotions for the first time. eventually, though, you find the other side.

abifae

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