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I just want him to understand me


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Ok so I met this guy.. Month ago. So far so good, other than me. New relationships are always.. stormy at best. He knows I cut. He knows I am borderline.. (I have a LOT of dx but the only one that really fits me is BPD). He doesn't understand them though, or know how to deal with me.

I was looking for stuff online to show him to help figure me out.. But I don't wanna scare the hell out of him either. He worries, a lot. And most of the sites, say sleeping around, suicide, bad in relationships.. Well sleeping around isnt me. Sure horny sex freak at times, but hey porn and sex toys are great! Suicide? Not for me, I tried it years ago, and I cut.. but not because I want to die. No one ever understands that. Its because I want to be alive. Bad in relationships? Well they are stormy at times, but generally long term, so can't be that bad can it?

I want to be upfront with him. Give him the facts so he understands it, but not scare the living hell outta him either..

Anyone know a site that would tell acuratly about it with out being terrifying? How do you discribe it? How do you say whats wrong with you, when you don't even know half the time? How do I explain I love him, but I might say I hate him, and switch moods 50 times a day? How do I say, well I need to cut at times? How do I warn him, that it can get this bad, might not, might be worse and prepare him so he won't get hurt and understand why I am like I am?

;)

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Have you looked at the pinned description at the top of forum page?

The information I got from Crazy Boards was way more helpful than anything. Or you could send him over to crazymeds.us to read Jerod's descriptions. Blunt as hell, but very informative.

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i found this for you: http://www.mentalhealth.com/whnjs.htm

the american diagnostic criteria for BPD says that you have to match 5 of the 9 symptoms of it. you may not have the reckless sex one. it isn't mandatory to have that one, it is just one on the list, and it is listed as reckless behavior that could include reckless sex, much like bipolar mania.

i'd say get together some of these resources, like this official DSM one on what it means in black and white to have BPD, and talk about your history with this or that symptom. you may never have reckless sex but might REALLY want sex sometimes. don't we all? most guys won't argue if you want some booty! maybe sometimes you love and sometimes you hate him. explain that too, that it is just like you have no emotional skin, you're raw in a way, and sometimes easily hurt. another CBer explained it once like that, about the skin, and i liked her way of putting it so i used that here.

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Ok so I met this guy.. Month ago. So far so good, other than me. New relationships are always.. stormy at best. He knows I cut. He knows I am borderline.. (I have a LOT of dx but the only one that really fits me is BPD). He doesn't understand them though, or know how to deal with me.

I was looking for stuff online to show him to help figure me out.. But I don't wanna scare the hell out of him either. He worries, a lot. And most of the sites, say sleeping around, suicide, bad in relationships.. Well sleeping around isnt me. Sure horny sex freak at times, but hey porn and sex toys are great! Suicide? Not for me, I tried it years ago, and I cut.. but not because I want to die. No one ever understands that. Its because I want to be alive. Bad in relationships? Well they are stormy at times, but generally long term, so can't be that bad can it?

I want to be upfront with him. Give him the facts so he understands it, but not scare the living hell outta him either..

Anyone know a site that would tell acuratly about it with out being terrifying? How do you discribe it? How do you say whats wrong with you, when you don't even know half the time? How do I explain I love him, but I might say I hate him, and switch moods 50 times a day? How do I say, well I need to cut at times? How do I warn him, that it can get this bad, might not, might be worse and prepare him so he won't get hurt and understand why I am like I am?

;)

i read a very helpful, short book that might be just what you're looking for- it's called I HATE YOU, DON'T LEAVE ME- i got it off amazon i believe. i also read a memoir of a woman's recovery story/living with BPD- GET ME OUT OF HERE- i loaned it to a friend who also found solace in Rachels' story- Rachel Rieland I think is her name.

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I've heard some negative things about "I hate you, don't leave me," but I've never read the book myself so I can't give my opinion there.

My favorite BPD website is probably this one. The layout is atrocious, but the writing is honest and good.

Sorry for such a short reply- I'm kind of distracted this morning. I just wanted to throw that site out there, because I like it. Even though it's really, really ugly.

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Have you looked at the pinned description at the top of forum page?

there's some good stuff pinned. and then some babble i wrote that probably won't help your boyfriend. my favorite book lost in the mirror is out of print, but you can get it at amazon and some libraries.

i also reccomend anything by marsha linehan, though she's academic and etc.

whatever you do, do NOT let him get anywhere near stop walking on eggshells, it's a sure-fire way to make anyone misunderstand borderline and think all borderlines are manipulative bitches.

The information I got from Crazy Boards was way more helpful than anything. Or you could send him over to crazymeds.us to read Jerod's descriptions. Blunt as hell, but very informative.

i wouldn't have your bf read jerod's descriptions of borderlines. he has a ... not so positive opinion of borderlines that will not help you or your boyfriend.

i know this sounds cheesy, but no DSM will explain it to him, really. and i know, esp as a borderline, that describing your emotions isn't all that easy, but the best explanation you can give him is one that comes from your own experience.

try to explain how it is to you, why you react so hard. linehan (the creator of DBT, an effective form of therapy for borderline), myself, and many others have used the metaphor of living without an emotional skin. like being an emotional burn victim. the smallest slight sometimes hurts.

or, on a more positive side, i try to see it as being highly empathetic. emotions hit hard. learning of other's pain hits hard.

and right now, you handle emotions differently that others do. linehan says that borderlines do not have the same coping mechanisms that others have. so we cut, or do other things. cutting is a way of dealing with emotion.

i'm running late, but i hope that helped even a bit.

try not to pathologise how you are. you are more than your diagnosis. you are an emotional, empathetic woman. you handle your emotions in ways that are sometimes harmful to yourself, or more extreme than others. but there is more to you than that. and the more to you is why he's there.

best of luck to you

penny

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I really don't want to jump in to giving advice, i just really felt your desire to be understood.

I know that so well. And how at times the harder we try, it can so backfire.

To some, the men we love most it seem, they can be so tough on us, for they see us as so perfect, too perfect at times.

I like what Penny said, and feel too that is what you are.

I think what we need to do, is just show and be the best we are, flaws and all.

You know sometimes the most wonderful things are not the perfect things, but those that stand out with all their differences.

You will do and be better for him and most importantly you, when you are not so stress about the who you are.

You sound wonderful to me.

Again this is no advice, just a feeling.

Aly

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I agree with the people here, while it may be important to explain a bit about why you do the things you do, you're an individual person with a unique way of being, you're not some syndrome or disorder that can be summed up on paper, and maybe that is why what you find seems too be too severe. Maybe you can have a heart to heart with him about having a borderline personality can make you act in certain ways. I think if it springs from your honesty then it will be easier to understand and not so scary.

I think that you're very brave to broach this with him, and I hope it all works out for you both.

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