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I'm actually not sure where this fits, but my big problem is that I won't tell people things. I'm sitting here right now and I can't stop crying over my cat having died, but I won't tell anyone that I'm not okay about it. I can't bring myself to just really talk to someone. When something goes wrong for me, I will hide it from everyone as long as I can. And I mean everyone. My boyfriend is getting really upset about it because I keep hiding my problems from him, and I think he's starting to feel like he can't trust me, which I hate. Because he can trust me in every other way. But at the same time, I completely understand because if someone tells me they'll call me and they don't, I seriously start to lose trust in them. I feel like I'm turning myself into a mess, but I'm just so afraid of having people know that I'm not totally in control of things that I won't tell them when bad things happen to me. I want to stop hiding things from everyone, but I can't. And I really, really, miss my cat. I've had the worst summer that I ever have, I mean, utterly optimism destroying until it's just waiting for the next bad thing because when I said "Well, my boyfriend found out he has cancer, but it's not going to kill him as long as he gets is taken care of, so everything is going to be alright," his house burned down. And when I said "Well, the house burned down, I guess this is going to be the all time low," I my cat got attacked. After that, I was sitting there, thinking that he didn't look too badly hurt before he went under the house, and he'd certainly be alright. He died. And that's only the half of it. I don't know how to deal with it.

To be fair though, I could've dealt with having to steal food from work to be able to eat, or pee in a pot and hang out in the dark because I couldn't afford to pay my bills, but I miss my baby so much. If he hadn't died, I would probably be ok. I miss him more than anything. Since he died, everything else has just been another drop of rain in the puddle. And the only way I can actually talk about it is here, to complete strangers.

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Aglaya, I can't address your problem about not being able to talk, but please go to the Animal thread in the "I got the good stuff" forum and talk about losing your kitty. You will find a very sympathetic group of people there, and you can post a photo or just mourn her. Really--go post on that thread and you will find a bunch of kindred souls.

olga

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I am glad you are able to post here. Sometimes it feels safer to say things to strangers than those close to us. When my hubby has bipolar episodes, one of the things he does is hide his symptoms...so I know how your boyfriend feels. It is tough to stand by and watch someone who is obviously suffering but not know why. He may be thinking it is something HE did.

I hope opening up here is a good start for you so maybe you could work your way up to opening up to him in person.

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if you can't talk about it, can you write about it?

show your boyfriend your post here, or write him a letter? i have always found that much easier than actually talking to people. just an idea.

i'm so sorry about your kitty. i don't know what i'll do when mine pass on. it's really hard to lose someone that close to you!!!

abifae

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you've had some hard times, especially recently, and it sounds like losing your cat was just the worst that could have happened. i'm very sorry for your loss. my cats are my babies and losing one of them would be like losing a family member.

the Animals thread is a good place to share your memories and love of your cat. we discuss our pets there.

i think that first realizing it is an issue, and then being able to open up to us are steps in the right direction. even writing it in a journal, or writing letters that you know you don't have to show anyone or send will help you to at least get the hurt out in some way.

sometimes it hurts too much to be able to talk about the pain wtih others, i think because it brings up the pain again. reaching out to people, whether it is us or your boyfriend and family, can help give you the support and courage to face what is bothering you. you know it hurts to talk about it, but sharing the burden can lighten it.

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Hi:

Seems like you have quite a bit going on in your life. That would make it hard to talk with people about any of those things, let alone all of them. My husband had cancer too. It was the not threatening kind too. So he's ok now, we just have to watch it.

I started the Animals thread. I am an animal communicator. I have found that the thread has taught me and others a lot about animals. Either from my perspective, or theirs. So please, join us. You would not be the first to mourn the loss of a kitty. And I think the gentle souls that hang in the Animals thread, would help you with your pain.

At least I hope they would.

Let me get the link.

Breeze

animals thread

You don't have to read the whole thing, just thought I'd get you going on Page One so you'd get the idea of what we're about.

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Aglaya, my heart goes out to you. I lost a beloved kitty this spring, and I'm still not over it. Guilty, because I feel that if I'd been coping better and paying attention, I could have saved her. It hurts like hell and then there is the guilt of thinking that you just let her/him die. So I know what you're going through.

On the subject of not being able to talk about it. I have just started journaling. I write things much better than I can talk about them, and it has somewhat helped me to open up to myself and get the pain out

I'm so sorry about you sweet kitty, I think that you are very brave to trust us with your grief

Grieving is a normal process, and shoud not be bottled up

Be well and many blessings

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Oh sweetie, My heart really goes out to you. So many big things going wrong, and then to lose your baby kittie. I know the loss of my babies over the years has been really heartbreaking for me.

Do please stop by the animals thread then others have recommended and get some love poured over you.

Not being able to share is a real problem for you, and it isolates you so much. Coming here is a good start. Here you can share with people who understand these things and begin to feel you are not alone. This may help you open up to someone you can trust. I can't say for sure, but maybe trusting people enough to tell them about your pain and having them stay and not run away from it is a big fear for you. Fear is something we are all familiar with here, we know how crippling it can be.

I mourn the loss of your kitty with you, you are not alone.

susie

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