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i was just in the hospital for a week to try and fix my constant headache. the headache broke (with the help of depakote) and they let me go...with no new meds. not even the depakote that helped me. so, obviously, the headaches came back. and now the doctors are passing me from one to the other hoping that if they just delay me long enough i'll shut up. (my real neurologist is away on vacation...again...the one who treated me in the hospital refused to help, and the standby neurologist had to be persuaded twice to try a new med (promethazine) for me...to break the headache, and just to break the headache.) the headache, once broken, will return. it's not just going to go away by thinking happy thoughts and wishing on stars. depakote will make it go away, but they refuse to prescribe it for me.

on a one-to-ten scale, one being painless and ten being agony, i've spent the last few days at a 5 or a 6. it is hell. (i feel guilty calling it that, because it could be so much worse...but really, it's torturous enough as it is.) ;) all i want to do is curl up and die. i've spent hours in the past few days fantasizing about it, or even just hurting myself. y'know, like ripping off a limb and beating myself to death with it. i want to hurt myself so badly that i've started doing it in my sleep, so i have to wear socks on my hands when i sleep.

i've sworn up and down that i will not kill myself. ever. daydreaming about it is like daydreaming about winning the lottery - it would be stupendous, but it's never going to happen.

and my psychiatrist says that "there's no drugs that will make you happy your dog died". so upping meds isn't really going to help, although we gave it a shot anyway.

i don't know what to do next. i just want to die, but i can't. i want the headaches to go away, and they won't. going to the mental-hospital won't help, because meds can't help this kind of depression and there's no need to put me on suicide watch. going to the physical-hospital won't help, because they won't help me.

i don't expect anyone to respond to this. i don't mean this in a no-one-loves-me way. rather, it's because i know there's so little that anyone could suggest to fix it. but simply writing it here and having someone read it will maybe ease the pressure a little bit. (and even comments like 'wow, that sucks' might help me feel a little better.)

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Honey, this sucks big-time, and you have every right to come here and vent about it. That headache for days must be like suffering a toothache that never goes away.

And it's a beast that it's hand-in-hand with such a deep depression. I don't have any wisdom for you, but lots of sympathy and I'm glad to see that you've resolved to not off yourself. Is there anyone who can hold your hand for a few hours? A good friend who could come by with tea and sympathy?

Well, it's only a substitute, but you do have us. Keep writing, and there will always be someone here to read.

olga

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Checkerboards, that SUCKS! Come and post away. When does your neuro guy get back from vacation??

Gosh that's horrible. I'm sorry you're going thru this. How is hubby doing, support-wise? He gets it, right?

lily

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That headache for days must be like suffering a toothache that never goes away.
yes. but it can be even worse than that. if your tooth hurts, it doesn't prevent you from reading or watching tv or even sitting in the sun and watching the water sparkle on the lake across the street. you can still live with a toothache. (unless you're rolling around in agony, at which point the medical profession would intervene to either remove the tooth or load you up on painkillers. no painkillers for the malingering headache patient, and removing the brain is implausible.)

Is there anyone who can hold your hand for a few hours? A good friend who could come by with tea and sympathy?

not locally. the closest friend i have is two hours away. i wouldn't want to have someone drive two hours just to spend time with me, because i am not a fun person to be around at the moment unless you're into watching people sleep. i spent seventy percent of my day sleeping, and the other thirty sprawled in various poses on the couch and in bed.

When does your neuro guy get back from vacation??
two weeks. roughly. i have no idea of the actual date that she gets back. i am not angry at her for being gone (she has a new baby, and obviously that's a big deal). i'm frustrated because without her, i get no help whatsoever. everyone is so hesitant to prescribe anything without her approval, like she's the god of all headache specialists. they have the standby neurologist to help people like me when their doctors are not there...but the standby neurologist never helps me, no matter who it happens to be that day.

How is hubby doing, support-wise? He gets it, right?

he's the best person i could ever hope to have with me while i'm going through this. he always asks if he can get me an ice pack or a drink or anything else i'd ever want. when i need things to be dark and quiet, he tries as hard as he can to make it happen. he even offered to make me hot chocolate tonight when i offhandedly mentioned that it sounded good. he's an angel.

Come and post away... Gosh that's horrible. I'm sorry you're going thru this.

Honey, this sucks big-time, and you have every right to come here and vent about it...And it's a beast that it's hand-in-hand with such a deep depression. I don't have any wisdom for you, but lots of sympathy and I'm glad to see that you've resolved to not off yourself...Well, it's only a substitute, but you do have us. Keep writing, and there will always be someone here to read.

lily, olga, thank you so much for replying and caring. ;) to you both.

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i was just in the hospital for a week to try and fix my constant headache. the headache broke (with the help of depakote) and they let me go...with no new meds. not even the depakote that helped me. so, obviously, the headaches came back. and now the doctors are passing me from one to the other hoping that if they just delay me long enough i'll shut up. (my real neurologist is away on vacation...again...the one who treated me in the hospital refused to help, and the standby neurologist had to be persuaded twice to try a new med (promethazine) for me...to break the headache, and just to break the headache.) the headache, once broken, will return. it's not just going to go away by thinking happy thoughts and wishing on stars. depakote will make it go away, but they refuse to prescribe it for me.

CB - On what grounds are they refusing you care, since a previous treatment strategy proved successful? It is within your rights to ask that very direct question, and to demand treatment. It is within your rights to let them know, in no uncertain terms, that you are in pain, that you are not going to drop this, and that you are not going to simply shut up and go away. You are within your rights to take the matter to the hospital administration. You're going to have to be your own advocate here, and aggressive about it. The squeaky wheel gets the oil. Every time.

and my psychiatrist says that "there's no drugs that will make you happy your dog died".

Where did he get his degree

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On what grounds are they refusing you care, since a previous treatment strategy proved successful?
i've been told time and time again that no one wants to prescribe depakote for me without my neurologist's approval. the only other reason anyone has been able to tell me is that the side effects are too serious for someone like me (childbearing-age female).

there might also be some factor in the form of meds i was given that makes it a bad choice. (i was on an IV of depakote, so maybe the pill form wouldn't work as well.) i'm just speculating, because almost anything sounds better than 'we're sadistically holding back the meds that help you! ha!'

First, if your pdoc said the above he evidently suffers from a fundamental misunderstanding of MDD (which is not the same as situational depression) and second, it is simply untrue to say that meds can't help this kind of depression.

but most of my depression nowadays is situational. we spent about half an hour talking things out, and i probably should have provided a little more of that conversation in my first post. he said that the meds would take care of the MDD side of things - the reasonless not-based-in-reality depression - but that it would be difficult for the meds to fix my depression that's based on chronic pain and hopelessness that it'll ever go away.

It appears you just haven't found the right meds yet.

that's possible. both he and i agree that switching meds is a possibility worthy of further thought. he's very hesitant to switch me right now, though, because sometimes switching meds makes headaches worse and he doesn't want me to feel any worse than i do now.

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i've been told time and time again that no one wants to prescribe depakote for me without my neurologist's approval. the only other reason anyone has been able to tell me is that the side effects are too serious for someone like me (childbearing-age female).

The second excuse sounds like it could be worth discussion, although I would be reluctant to believe that, given modern advances in the field of palliative care, they cannot come up with alternatives to manage your pain until your neurologist returns from vacation. If it's just a matter of professional courtesy and not wanting to step on your neuro's toes, gently but firmly point out that it's your body, and not his, currently under consideration.

he said that the meds would take care of the MDD side of things - the reasonless not-based-in-reality depression - but that it would be difficult for the meds to fix my depression that's based on chronic pain and hopelessness that it'll ever go away.
Okay, I understand, but even so:

he's very hesitant to switch me right now, though, because sometimes switching meds makes headaches worse and he doesn't want me to feel any worse than i do now.

It's a calculated risk. Right now you're bearing the full weight of both types of depression because the MDD treatment isn't working, and it sounds like he's decided not to risk making you feel better for fear of making you feel worse. It's actually a question you have to decide

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I'm with Cerberus on this. You are going to have to be a squeaky wheel.

You might consider getting an rx for birth control and demanding the depakote. Keep in mind that bc can make some women wakkier (me included), but a little extra PMS style nuttiness is probably more bearable than constant migraines.

MDD magnifies the intensity of situational depression. Of course you will still feel sad about the death of a pet, regardless of whether your mind is perfectly healthy or a very ill, and no pill cures grief. BUT, a mentally healthy person will feel grief for a bit and go on with life. A person suffering from depression will feel grief that rocks their soul and possibly hurt themselves to allieviate the internal pain. Will a pill help with that reaction? Yes.

Prozak or Wellbutrin or whatever won't cure a sinus headache any more than Excedrin will cure depression, but if your headaches are caused by your body cracking under the weight of depression then that is a different story. Chronic headaches ARE one of the many physical symptoms of depression. Finding the right antidepressant could very well help your headaches.

Have you talked to a migraine specialist about diet? I've mentioned in your thread that many allergens can cause headaches. It's true! You may also be getting migraines from something as simple as eating cheese or chocolate. Changing your diet may also help, and a migraine specialist can guide you on this.

Getting an allergen scratch test can also shed some light on the subject. I swear my sister was completely bonkers until she finally got her allergies figured out with a scratch test. Then she got the injections of the allergens so she would build up a resistance to them and it has made a world of difference for her. She was allergic to everything they tested for except mold. Trees, grass, animals, all meats, soda, cheese, bread, EVERYTHING. She was basically allergic to the entire world and it made her act out like she was bipolar and ADD. Every body reacts a little differently, but if you are allergic to even 2 or 3 things that you are exposed to every day then it may trigger a migraine.

Call your doctor(s) and go to their office(s) and do not let up until they do something helpful like give you an rx or schedule new tests. Tell them what you wrote here. "I am chronically in level 5 pain, it makes me want to die." Make a list before you call.

Write:

depakote and birth control

migraine specialist and diet

allergen scratch test

and anything else that comes to mind. Then when you call/visit your doc(s) and say, "I am chronically in level 5 pain, it makes me want to die," you can add, "Depakote helped. Can I have it if I take bc?" If they say no, ask why. Follow up with everything on your list. Your doctors are not in pain and that makes it easy to dismiss yours, so you must become a pain in their arses. If your head hurts too much to take these actions, then maybe you can enlist your dh or mom to call the docs and get the ball rolling.

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have you tried topamax?
tried it. after the fifth or sixth increased dose of it, i lost the ability to sit still and i had to bounce constantly. (and it didn't even work for the headache anyway.)

I'm with Cerberus on this. You are going to have to be a squeaky wheel.

i'm a wheel that doesn't like to squeak. i am, however, psyching myself up to raise a fuss if they refuse to help me after i'm done with the promethazine. obviously, the promethazine cannot be a long-term solution - i can't take meds every four hours for the rest of my life. so if the headache breaks and they don't have anything else lined up to try, i'll have to work up the nerve to start squeaking.

You might consider getting an rx for birth control and demanding the depakote.
i'm on birth control. yasmin. (and i just realized that wasn't in my signature, so i updated it.) they're fully aware that i'm on birth control, too.

Getting an allergen scratch test can also shed some light on the subject.

the last time i saw my neurologist (before the hospital stay) i asked her about that. she said that my headaches probably were not caused by allergens, but i was welcome to hunt down a doctor to test me if i really felt it was necessary. do general practitioners do these tests, or do i have to specifically look for a specialist?

I would be reluctant to believe that, given modern advances in the field of palliative care, they cannot come up with alternatives to manage your pain until your neurologist returns from vacation. If it's just a matter of professional courtesy and not wanting to step on your neuro's toes, gently but firmly point out that it's your body, and not his, currently under consideration.
i honestly do not know if it's because they don't want to step on my neuro's toes or whether it's because they think i'm seeking attention or something. i get that vibe from them now and again, particularly when they tell me things like "you're untreatable" and "i can't do anything for you, so either take some excedrin or go to the ER".

It's actually a question you have to decide
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Ohh Checkerboards..that truely sucks. I am so sorry you are just not getting the care you need! Do your neuro and Pdoc talk to each other?? That sounded like a great idea..Man I hope you can figure this out..

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Getting an allergen scratch test can also shed some light on the subject.

the last time i saw my neurologist (before the hospital stay) i asked her about that. she said that my headaches probably were not caused by allergens, but i was welcome to hunt down a doctor to test me if i really felt it was necessary. do general practitioners do these tests, or do i have to specifically look for a specialist?

My sister and mother both talked to their regular doctor who then referred them to a specialist for the testing and treatment.

Here are a couple of interesting links about allergy testing:

skin test

food allergy testing

and also on that site I found some info about migraines. You probably already know must of it inside and out but there might be something informative on it. Check out the different "article sections" migraine link

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Just want to add in that it really sucks you have to live with the headaches and MDD right now.

I've just come off my AD cipramil and oh boy, two weeks of constant headaches whilst the drug was leaving my system. Excrusiating pain, dizzyness, vertigo, couldn't read, sleep, concentrate, watch tv or anything. I honestly wanted to DIE for the first time in years. Thankfully they are going now.

Just wanted you to know I feel for you and hope you get it sorted out soon.

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thank you all for replying and caring. it means a lot to me.

i can't sit at the computer too long (it makes my head hurt more) but i did read everything everyone said, even though i can't sit and reply to it right now.

the depression has died off a bit, which is very welcome. the headaches are still just as sucky, but it's easier to cope with them now.

back to the couch.

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Do your neuro and Pdoc talk to each other?? That sounded like a great idea..
yeah, that would be good. i think i'll add that to the list of things to discuss with my neuro whenever she gets back from her vacation.

thanks for the links punksailor! there could be some issues with the skin test (you can't take antihistamines, many antidepressants and some heartburn medications while doing the skin test, and i'm on antihistamines and antidepressants), but the blood test could work.

i used to take topamax too and it made me so anxious, and i couldn't sleep at night, so i had to dump it.

my favorite topamax story: my best friend was in the psych ward, so i went to visit her. another one of our friends came with me that night. i wasn't having a good reaction to my newly-increased topamax - i was irritable and i needed to move constantly, and my pupils were so dilated you could barely see the blue in my eyes. as the three of us sat there playing cards, they joked with me that of the three of us, i was the one that looked the most like they belonged in the ward. (and they were right!)

Just wanted you to know I feel for you and hope you get it sorted out soon.
thank you!

i have a thought: have you and your neuro discussed finding you a pain management specialist to add to the team?

well, she referred me to a neuropsychiatrist...but it sounded like all that the neuropsych was going to do was therapy-type stuff. and since you have to schedule appointments one month in advance, minimum, because they're so busy, there's really no point in going. (both because i already have a therapist and i may be moving far away at the beginning of 2007.)

my head feels really good today. it still hurts a little, but i only notice it if i'm specifically thinking about it. however, the nausea is terrible today. not only is it revolting and painful to swallow food, but it feels like i've been punched in the stomach. it's okay, though, because i'd much rather be nauseous than have a headache. and instead of being flat-out depressed, i'm just numb. so things are a lot more tolerable than they were a week ago.

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well, she referred me to a neuropsychiatrist...but it sounded like all that the neuropsych was going to do was therapy-type stuff. and since you have to schedule appointments one month in advance, minimum, because they're so busy, there's really no point in going. (both because i already have a therapist and i may be moving far away at the beginning of 2007.)

That's not really what neuropsychs do, and depression tells you all kinds of stuff is pointless when it isn't. Unless you just like feeling shitty, you might want to follow up on that and see what happens.

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so what do neuropsychs do? i had to fill out a bunch of depression/anxiety surveys, which led me to believe that it was going to lead into therapy-type stuff.

Unless you just like feeling shitty, you might want to follow up on that and see what happens.

well, if you put it like that...

no, really, i may as well go to it and find out more. can't hurt, right?

i have a new problem. (i can hear you all saying oh no, she's not going to talk about another one, is she?) i finally got through to a neurologist this morning. unfortunately, she called when i was still sleeping, so when i woke up enough to talk to her i forgot all the questions i was going to ask her. *sigh* at any rate, she gave me another med to try (vistaril).

for the next week, i have to take meds every three hours (alternating promethazine with vistaril). this means i can't take sleepymeds, and that i'll never get more than a nap in between meds...which may lead to me falling apart in a huge crumbly headachy sobbing mess from not getting enough sleep. i'll confine my whining about it to this thread, instead of starting a new one. but i think i'm really going to need some support in the upcoming week.

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I hope you're not feeling too bad when you read this. Good to hear that maybe things are lightening up a bit. I hope it turns out you CAN sleep in those 3 hour stretches. (I almost never sleep more than that without feeling uncomfortable and having to get up for a minute or two.)

Seems to me that most docs don't really "get" it about pain. It doesn't seem very real for them, I think. Maybe this is because they see so much that they have to play it down or go crazy. I know when I had my back injury, and it turned out Vicodin made me sick, and the med I took instead didn't work very well, there didn't seem to be much effort to find something that DID work. Meanwhile I was telling myself that if this really did continue for, say, 6 months, then maybe I could off myself, but for the time being that was taboo.

I think it takes a while to come out of that kind of pain, because it makes one's nerves jangled and hyper, so that it doesn't take much to set them off.

On another subject, decades ago I told a friend that all life was on a spectrum between pain and nausea. (Can you say "dysthymia"? I knew you could.) Life was simpler then...

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Seems to me that most docs don't really "get" it about pain.

oh, no kidding. we've reached new heights of not getting it with today's installment of pleading with my doctors.

i haven't posted to this thread because, well, the meds worked. the schedule sucked, but i was able to get enough sleep in naps here and there to be functional. it took about twelve or fifteen hours in bed to get eight hours of sleep, but that didn't matter. i felt healthy. i went outside and took my sunglasses off for a while. this is a huge deal, and i was ecstatic to be healthy and functional.

so, of course, the neurologist has taken me off the meds that made me healthy.

fan-fucking-tastic.

it turns out that the standby neurologist fucked up. or maybe the pharmacist did. at any rate, my neurologist (who is now back from her vacation) informed me that taking these meds (vistaril and promethazine) every three hours is not a good idea. she told me that she had no worries about me taking the medication that often, and that it wouldn't do anything harmful to me...but that i should stop taking it on a schedule immediately. (if it's not harmful and i feel so good on it, why the hell aren't they prescribing it to me long-term?!?)

apparently these meds in that dosage are supposed to reduce nausea and sedate you to the point that you can't drive or work or anything. (with regard to the sedation, they did no such thing. in fact, i felt more energetic, because i was healthy and normal and i actually had some hope that my life wouldn't fucking suck anymore.)

i've been told that i can still take the meds "as needed" with my no-refills prescription of 30 pills per med. i told my neuro that there were a few nights that i slept right through the alarm to take the 3 AM and 6 AM meds, and the next morning i felt headachy again. "well, that was probably just a coincidence." so "as needed" basically translates to "you may actually need it every six hours, but you only get to take it once a day."

what the fucking hell did i do wrong here? i've tried to be a good patient. i have been nice. i have never been angry or yelled, or said mean things to them. i have tried my fucking hardest to do what they want me to. the last few times i called them, i apologized and apologized for bothering them and that i didn't want to be a bother, but could you please help me? please? well, that doesn't work. i know being a bitch doesn't help either. so how do you politely tell someone to fucking help you before you slit your wrists?

i'm going to go bury myself in weird al's new cd (straight outta lynwood) and listen to it as much as i can before it hurts to hear drums again. (and perhaps i'll rewrite some choice lyrics... "doctor stomping day" has a good ring to it...crunch!)

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i'd say all you can do is bitch and bitch some more. call them every day, write a headache log of how you feel, write every time you wake up and sleep, keep meticulious track of all of that stuff, and present it to the neurologist. also explain that you know your own body, the drugs they had you on were helping quite a lot, and ask if you can have them back. tell the neurologist that you will report any negative effects right away, just so it is for certain that you're not going to just go off into lala land with your meds. i don't know why they're being so weird about migraine medication.

my ADD is untreated, but at least there are reasons why i can't take adderall.

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Yes, I'm with Loon. Keep a log and force it down their throats. Talk to your pdoc about it, too. If your pdoc can't rx it, perhaps s/he'll rx something similar.

Edited to add:

Hey, I just did a little research on vistaril and promethazine.

The following quote is from this link-> link

Vistaril is not a cortical depressant, but its action may be due to a suppression of activity in

certain key regions of the subcortical area of the central nervous system. Primary skeletal muscle

relaxation has been demonstrated experimentally. Bronchodilator activity, and antihistaminic and

analgesic effects have been demonstrated experimentally and confirmed clinically.

It relaxes skeletal muscles AND it's an antihistamine. There are several warnings about driving while taking it.

Here's a quote from a site about promethazine->link

Why is this medication prescribed?

Promethazine is an antihistamine. It blocks the effects of the naturally occurring chemical histamine in your body. This medication is used to treat allergic symptoms and reactions such as itching, runny nose, sneezing, itchy and watery eyes, hives, and itchy skin rashes.

Additionally, promethazine is also used to cause sedation (sleep), to assist in controlling postoperative pain, to control nausea and vomiting (especially after surgery), and to prevent motion sickness.

Also an antihistamine! I definately think you are allergic to something. I'm sure the muscle relaxing made a difference, too. Promethazine sounds really bad for you for long term use. Here's another link about promethazine that mentions organ failure issues.

Here's one more link for vistaril It is also used to treat anxiety disorders. Not that I'm a doctor or anything, but vistaril sounds like a good thing to me. Push that with any doctor you can see until somebody rx's it, and if they won't then ask why. Your pdoc could rx it for anxiety, and your regular doctor could rx it for allergies and/or tension relief. Good luck ;)

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i'd like to believe that there are meds to help me.

but i can't believe that and stay sane anymore.

it has been three years of try and fail, try and fail, try and fail.

and two of the most spectacular "failures" are just drugs i'm not allowed to take.

so i lay in bed and i cry. or i just stare at the ceiling.

it was homecoming week for the local high school. my husband's brother is in the marching band. instead of going to see him perform, i stayed at home on the couch. instead of seeing him perform tomorrow in marching band competitions, i will stay at home on the couch.

there's no use thinking that tomorrow might be better. tomorrow's never better.

every friend that i have gotten really close to has abandoned me. i am no longer able to trust that anyone will be around tomorrow, no matter how much they seem to like me today. my relationship with the headache meds has evolved to a similar point.

hell, who knows if i'll be around tomorrow, for that matter.

that's stupid. i promised i'd never kill myself, no matter what, and i plan to stick to that promise. but i wish i had a reason to live other than an oath not to die.

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two hours of neuropsychiatric cognitive testing later, i have come up with the following conclusion:

the neuropsychiatrist is an ass.

"i'm not a neurologist, and i can't tell you how to fix your headache...so anyway, your headache will go away if you just fix the things that were making you depressed before you got the headaches." okay, but one of them was that i felt useless and i am authentically useless nowadays. "just fix it and the headaches will go away." how the hell am i supposed to be useful and go make friends if i can't leave the goddamn house?! "just fix it." he was the epitome of unhelpfulness.

what was the point of being here? i asked. apparently repeating lists of words and connecting numbers with lines is going to help my neurologist know me better. if they really needed to know if i was depressed or not, i could have just said it rather than go through a four-hundred-question test, particularly since the doctors have no plans for me to go back there. as the neuropsych so helpfully said, "go take care of it with your own psychiatrist."

but the worst thing was that i had to get up at six-thirty in the morning to do math problems.

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Hi Chekr,

Glad you got to see the neuropsych guy. I know your are frustrated beyond all end, but his tests did have meaning and DO tell him how parts of the brain/nervous system are working.

I'm not sure how you stand on the meds. Reading your posts above, I don't see any conflict with your needs and what your doc is saying. She is simply saying "don't get locked into a schedule", "take them as needed". Maybe unstated is don't use them any more than absolutely necessary.

It looks like you are coming full circle on the headaches, and you have sorta said it yourself, that the headaches are probably MI related. That doesn't make them hurt any less, but it does mean that you and your pdoc now have the responsiblity to improve the underlying problems.

The pdoc can work the meds, which help the body side of MI, but if you don't have one already you need to JUMP into therapy, fast. Your pdoc ought to be hooking you up with an outstanding therapists, and given the severity of your headaches and such, IMO, you ought to consider a PhD psychologist, who really knows his stuff.

You are down in the bottom of the well, and right now you can't even see the sky. You need to fight for every little thing that will make you better, even if you can only manage one thing a day, at first. Walking to the mailbox, going to the store with your husband, calling one friend, sitting in the sunshine for 15 minutes, keeping a diary for your therapist, taking your daily vitamins, eating a balance meal daily.

Keep climbing. a.m.

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That sucks so badly that you're going through this. Can you ask your husband to be the squeaky wheel if things get worse? My husband and I are always switching off. If it's bill collectors(because I used to be one) he'd warn them by saying: "Look can't we get this worked out? No? Okay then talk to my wife." I'd go ultra nuclear postal on them and the lovely us postal office would just laugh when I was filling out all the certified return receipt requested forms, or fedex slips, or ups bills-didn't matter- I made life hell for whoever was the transgressor.

His would be if I get ill and I'm not feeling good. He flipped out at one doctors of my laparoscopies because they told him it would be a four hour surgery and after six no one came to tell him anything. That was not pretty. My aunt said the desk nurse had her hands on the phone the whole time he was screaming at the top of his lungs at the doctor. turns out a specialist had to be called because they found a tumor on my liver. it was small and they think scar tissue so that was okay but my husband went into a whole different level of assholedom. If it hadn't worked out I'm sure he would have been crawling up the medical system food chain with a dagger in his mouth.

Maybe your husband (or anyone you give permission to really-there are things you can sign for that) can go legally postal for you if your needs don't continue to be met in a satisfactory way. I'm glad things are picking up though for you.

Goddess bless

lilie

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i couldn't say this earlier. i couldn't bring myself to type it out, to see the words on the screen.

the thing about this morning that hurt the most, that had me crying right in front of him when i never ever cry in front of anyone, was his assertion that it was my bad attitude toward everything that was causing my headaches. he implied that i was a weak and stupid person to not be able to keep a smile on my face and accept whatever comes my way. like i'm some kind of baby to be whining to him about the headaches that have literally destroyed my life.

i don't see how anyone could be in this much pain and not be upset about it. i don't understand how a trained professional neuropsychiatrist could sit there and watch me cry while he accused me of not facing up to my real problems (the old depression i felt years ago) rather than concentrating on my silly little present problems like my brain throbbing out of my skull and my complete and total uselessness because i can't even be counted on to get out of bed every day.

maybe he was right. maybe i am just a pain-fearing drug-seeking overdramatic moronic little wimp who can't let go of her tiny little traumas to be able to function like a real adult. maybe any other person who developed these headaches would instantly go to therapy and bemoan her isolated little childhood and be magically cured of everything that ails her. maybe i'm just a fucking loser who can't do anything right. except oops, that's depression, isn't it, and i'm not allowed to think any sad thoughts because then i'll get a headache. but the sad thoughts are the truth, so should i lie to myself? should i make up happy rainbow unicorns eating jellybeans in my kitchen while pixie fairies dance a polka on the television set?

Reading your posts above, I don't see any conflict with your needs and what your doc is saying. She is simply saying "don't get locked into a schedule", "take them as needed".
but "as needed" doesn't work. the base line for getting rid of the headache was four of each pill per day (the infamous schedule). taking one or two a day of either or both is like swallowing skittles. nasty-tasting skittles that do nothing but taste bad.

It looks like you are coming full circle on the headaches, and you have sorta said it yourself, that the headaches are probably MI related.

if they truly are MI related, then i may as well go kill myself right now. no, really. the ability to grin and bear the pain has been beaten out of me in the last three years. if depression causes the headache, which causes more depression, which causes more headache...well, you see where i'm going. there's no way out.

Maybe your husband (or anyone you give permission to really-there are things you can sign for that) can go legally postal for you if your needs don't continue to be met in a satisfactory way.

that'd be nice. but if the headaches really are depression's fault, then i have no business in the neurologist's office. maybe i should take the hint and let the doctors spend their time treating people that they can help.

not to be even more stupid, weak and melodramatic, but i have to go finish crying on the couch now.

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Chekr,

It's ok to cry, but don't feel stupid or weak for doing so.

I believe that the neuropsych was merely trying to help you understand his evaluation. You already know that MI appointments aren't all sweetness and light. It would be unforgiveable if he had avoided telling you his findings.

You are dealing with fragmented care at the moment. You are the one who has to put the docs together to create a combined treatment that is going to work. There isn't a pushbutton fix for your headaches, but I don't think anyone expects you to suffer endlessly either.

Situation:

1. The HA/pain doc has said she isn't going to give unlimited meds for an unlimited time.

2. The Neuropsych says your problem probably isn't organic and that you need to change your thinking, i.e. through therapy and supported by psych meds.

3. You have a pdoc who is responsible to coordinate your mental health care.

4. You haven't said whether you are doing any talk therapies.......???

So, as I see it you need to:

1. Get neuropsych reports to your pdoc and your therapist?

2. Have your Pdoc reevaluate your meds. Arrange for a therapist if not already.

3. Have your pdoc and therapist coordinate a written treatment plan with the specific purpose of addressing the most critical issues which may be afftecting the HA's.

4. Have your pdoc contact your HA/pain meds doctor to inform her of the treatment plan and ask for support for you with meds.

I think that having your pdoc involved and creating a treatment plan, that the pain meds doctor is more likely to be comfortable that you aren't just med seeking and on an endless loop.

I'm sorry you feel like crap. I know that when your head hurts it's hard to care about anything else, I do. You are going to have to bootstrap you MI treatment to get things going. Don't give up.

best, a.m.

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1. Get neuropsych reports to your pdoc and your therapist?

2. Have your Pdoc reevaluate your meds. Arrange for a therapist if not already.

3. Have your pdoc and therapist coordinate a written treatment plan with the specific purpose of addressing the most critical issues which may be afftecting the HA's.

4. Have your pdoc contact your HA/pain meds doctor to inform her of the treatment plan and ask for support for you with meds.

1. already done. they should be arriving at the pdoc's office soon, i hope.

2. he won't change his meds for me if the neuro is going to change her meds for me, because then they wouldn't know which one fixed the headache or made it worse, etc. i have a therapist, who i keep forgetting to mention. i've been seeing her twice a week.

3. i'll bring that up on friday, when i see them both again

4. my therapist has been trying to talk to my neurologist since october second. my neurologist has not even returned her call yet.

i called the neurologist's office on sunday and left a message so it would be received first thing monday morning. the nurse did call and talk to me really early in the morning to take down more information to tell the neurologist. i still have not heard from the neurologist, though. and i called today at about three to ask what was going on, and the nurse told me that she would call me as soon as the neurologist called her back. apparently my neurologist is only scheduled to be in the office on fridays now, and she works in the lab a lot of the time during the week. nothing like availability, hmm?

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  • 4 weeks later...

update:

i was given new meds (timolol) to try. they worked! so far i've been mostly headache-free, and so my depression has almost totally vanished. i don't think about dying, i don't think about wanting to die, i don't even want to hurt myself anymore. i'm making plans for the future and i actually think that i'll be able to follow through on them. i'm taking a correspondence course and writing a novel and doing all the other stuff on my to-do list that has been neglected for the past three years.

medication totally rocks.

i wish i could bottle up some of my happiness and send it to all of you. happiness, and hope, and general goodwill.

;)

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