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I am sick of feeling like I don't want to live anymore. I've had 15 yrs psychotherapy, tried all the antidepressant in creation and am still on a gold mine full. I also have 19 yrs sobriety and I really don't want to drink!

I didn't even know where to post this as I literally have half the maladies on the Crazyboards!!

Pleeeease any suggestions?


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Hi Viv, welcome!

Gee, it looks like you have a boatload of what should be good meds. Keep on not drinking, it seldom does any good. ECT, electroconvulsive therapy is often considered as an effective treatment for intractable depression. Has any of your doctors discussed it with you? There is a forum "Watts Up" below that has info.

I hope others with more experience with depression may have some suggestions and encouragement.


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I hope others with more experience with depression may have some suggestions and encouragement.


Hi Vivi,

I sooooooooooooooooooooooooo can relate. I know the secret friend of bill handshake too, and have a resistent major depressive order as well.

We are definitely not alone on this board. I am coming out of a MDD episode that was pretty wicked this summer, second summer in a row I missed due to a MDD episode. Bummer as I live in a colder climate and truly have always loved summers. Though I digress because I think it's coindicidence not weather.

Bottom line, I switched back to Effexor, which worked for me years back for a long time, then I a bunch of bad shit happened and well I kind of tanked like the Valdez for a few years. But I'm getting it back.

I started going back to meetings last year, have continued with my therapist who is a gift of grace for sure because I too have logged my share in the chair. But this guy is special, tdoc, and I have a decent pdoc, i'm just pulling out of the abyss, so I have no platitudes or even really a whole boatload of hope, but I have a little, and I'll share. ;)

If you really think you're a threat to yourself, please go to the hospital. I did that last year, and that's probably why I'm still here, and glad to be--grateful to be.

Hugs if you want them,


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Med resistant depression sucks. I have tried everything out there and tried them again later with different things mixed in. My depression is pretty stable right now, but its not gone. I am sort of at that place where I wouldn't mind if I died. That is pretty good for me. For the last 2 years I have been writhing on the floor. I guess what I mean is that I have had to come to terms with this. So I started a new approach. I do psychotherapy with my pdoc, and I have been going to a tdoc where I work on coping mechanisms - changing my thinking, lessening the grip of nightmares from childhood and many other things. These are helping me stay more level as well and to recognize the negative thoughts for just thoughts, not testimony of my complete worthlessness. It's not 100%, don't know if anything will be, but it is helping now. This place has also helped. Very supportive people here, knowing you are not alone, and sometimes seeing that it could be worse.

Good luck, my thoughts are with you.


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Vivi, 15 years of therapy that is a long time. Has something new come about to bring this thought out, for I know you say as if always there, but you just now wrote it.

Can you share, please what has recently happen?

I know it is not always one thing, it can be like allergies, our old buckets just get full and on come the allergie attacks, hives etc.

You can tell I have bouts with this, the depression, and allergies.

Have you been on the same meds for too long, can we look in that area for a change?

You know we build up tolerances, the body needs fine tuning from time to time.

We all forget and let it go, but that is a big part of the mood changes.

Are you opening up to therapist about what is really going on, or are you caught in a rut, like an old married couple?

That happens too, sometimes got to change them, to spice up things, get new ideas moving in your therapy.

Easier than a divorce at least!

Don't let it all just go, you have done like you said 15 years.

Don't think of it as work going wasted, but years put to work, and you are not going to allow to waste!

Vivi, please think these things over, and come back and let us know the answers, so we can help you work on them, and work on some of them ourselves.

Luv, Aly

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my pdoc has offered me ect for my bipolar disorder. apparently, it is also used in bipolar disorder where no other treatments have been successful. right now i'm being held stable on drugs, but if this venture fails, since i'm on disability and have time to be in the hospital, i'm going to do ect.

ect may be worth a shot. it isn't the archaic procedure it used to be. people report minimal memory loss, if any.

i'd research it and see if it is something you want to try. it has been known to save a lot of people a lot of suffering.


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Thank you to you all for your support and suggestions. You have no idea how much it means to me as I feel so alone.

The really BIG thing that has just happened is that I moved back from the US to the UK to live with my mother as her health is not good. I also left my dream job and can't seem to forgive myself for that. However, I was in terrible debt there and was just staying with friends and that hospitality was going to end anyway.

I had 2 breakdowns between Xmas and Feb. Begged the docs to put me in hosp but the system here is very different for people with mental health issues. They have let me keep my meds but I think I'll have to go back to my GP (who is wonderful!) and get referred to the Crisis Team.

My moods are swinging and won't settle. But I always feel down. Never manic. I do get periods of very, very high agitation and anxiety and have sat and scratched a whole in my hand. I have to take a handful of Valium and go to sleep to stop me getting the razor blade out!

I will stay in touch with you all as you've been so helpful. I'm just lost.

Thanks again,


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Vivi, that is an awful big change, moves are very drastic on us, and a job change, yet alone the responsibility of a parent. You are on overload big time.

I will try best I know how to summarize, so please bear with me.

After tradgic death of second brother, I moved back to home state, which up routed my children from where they knew as home, all their friends, and school.

Also my husbands very wonderful job, just very big promotion, and job I loved so.

Because my Mom said she needed me.

For my Dad had begun to drink way too much.

Long story short, I could not stop him, or help anyone.

I sacrificed my own families happiness, for not a very good ending at all.

Please Vivi, do what is right, for you.

Nothing ends well if we are not taking care of ourselves, and that includes our dreams.

Please do keep us posted.

Please know you are no ones keeper.

And guilt is a useless emotion.

Aww but very destructive!

Luv, Aly

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