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Everything that comes out of my mouth, or that I write, I regret. It seems. I'll give it that much. Whether sullen, furious, confused, sad, despairing, desperate, bright and charming- some mood chasing after another-many times mixed. I can't stand myself.

At the very least, I want to start all over. Mostly I want to go away.

Too ashamed to face anybody, not answer the phone, yet terriby terribly lonely. When husb. comes home it's all hiding, face down. Just can't bear him to see the results of another day of misery. Sometimes I can't keep it back and he's always supportive, but sometimes I hate him and he doesn't deserve that.

I want bright and charming back. She was around for many years, but false. Always collapsing in silent, hidden grief. Or something.

I'm exhausted. Dreams are vivid and haunt me all day. I obsess about losses, death- from my mother to my young cat. I can't even think about my son's MI and what will happen to him. I guess I have that much control.

I force myself to do stuff but feel hopeless about having any kind of life.

I like my pdoc but don't really believe he can help me. I want the meds to work for HIS sake, so he doesn't have to deal with me. He says not personality disorder but shit, it feels like a flawed personality. I just can't grasp mood disorder as something in my brain, not me being an asshole.

What the hell does "labile and disorganized" mean?

Now I regret writing this, but don't really care at the same time.

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I force myself to do stuff but feel hopeless about having any kind of life.
Hang it there girl. Tell us more, what meds are you on. I ain't no medical professional, but I am my OWN depression expert and you are quoting chapter and verse how i sound in the throws of a major depressive episiode, and they do occur frequently for me or have.

Not knowing anything about you, there are so many factors, hormones, are you in therapy? I know how you feel about not wanting to pick your face up off the bed and face life though, and I dont feel that way any more. It was a motherf**cker getting to where I am. It's definitely a fight that you (the collective you) have to choose to take up for yourself.

There's lots of support here, and even I would say life saving on a few occassions for me, but bottom line: I have to get my ass out the door or at least on the phone and if I can't, my kids are instructed by me to call my Mother to come and get the ball rolling so I don't end up dead.

I'm not suicidal today. Far from it in fact, but it's a slippery slope.

Tell us more, or maybe you have. I gotta run out, but will be surfing later. I must confess, my children have been the external motivation to keep me going when I get where you are, I resent them during those times, but it is what it is for us all, and we deal or we don't. Not that it's that cut and dried, but to me a lot of it is. I spend too much time screwing with my head...

Write more, it's good stuff. Get it out.

S9

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i know your anguish and frustration. as S9 said, it is a slipery slope, a very fine line between being ok and losing it. everyone here knows how it feels to walk that line.

S9 is right- we don't know what meds you're on or what your current DX is. i'm assuming bipolar disorder since you're in this topic.

the most important thing i think is to know that:

1. it is not your fault that you feel this way, we know that chemical imbalances in the brain cause these problems

2. this is a highly treatable condition.

depression of course is more treatable than bipolar disorder, but no matter what your malady, there is treatment for you and you don't have to live like this.

i used to be so paranoid and go around with my head down, and think that everyone hated me. i lived that way for years. the solution for me was a lot of therapy and antipsychotic drugs. i'm sure the solution for everyone is different, but there IS a solution. as we know, our condition is manageable with drugs and therapy. we can lead full and fulfilling lives with our disorder.

since you don't list your meds, here's a run-down on what you should probably have on your med schedule:

some kind of mood stabilizer, maybe lamictal

at least one AD, possibly two (i used to take paxil and WB)

and perhaps an antipsychotic

depending on what's wrong with you, and what your pdoc thinks, you could ask about those.

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Everything that comes out of my mouth, or that I write, I regret. It seems. I'll give it that much. Whether sullen, furious, confused, sad, despairing, desperate, bright and charming- some mood chasing after another-many times mixed. I can't stand myself.

At the very least, I want to start all over. Mostly I want to go away.

Too ashamed to face anybody, not answer the phone, yet terriby terribly lonely. When husb. comes home it's all hiding, face down. Just can't bear him to see the results of another day of misery. Sometimes I can't keep it back and he's always supportive, but sometimes I hate him and he doesn't deserve that.

I want bright and charming back. She was around for many years, but false. Always collapsing in silent, hidden grief. Or something.

I'm exhausted. Dreams are vivid and haunt me all day. I obsess about losses, death- from my mother to my young cat. I can't even think about my son's MI and what will happen to him. I guess I have that much control.

I force myself to do stuff but feel hopeless about having any kind of life.

I like my pdoc but don't really believe he can help me. I want the meds to work for HIS sake, so he doesn't have to deal with me. He says not personality disorder but shit, it feels like a flawed personality. I just can't grasp mood disorder as something in my brain, not me being an asshole.

What the hell does "labile and disorganized" mean?

Now I regret writing this, but don't really care at the same time.

You do remind me some of my own mother (for reference, she's 42 and I'm 22). Well, except she is ignorant (willfully, at that) and you're not. Unlike her, you have accepted MI in yourself as well as your son. That is one thing you should be proud of.

I'm going to sound all psychoanalytical and Freudian here, but how you recount your obsessive, intrusive thoughts makes you strike me as the "melancholic/choleric" type of person. Someone who "thinks too much". Like me. I know what it feels like. You don't have as much control over them as you'd like to have, it's like a visceral response. Your amygdala (note that we share this with crocodiles) is sending messages out to the other parts of your brain, and it's not happy.

The only advice I can give is to try and move on. I know you've heard this craploads of times, so you can ignore that point. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and you have gained ways of dealing with things through your past stressors.

For example, after going through my own clusterfuck of a bipolar crisis, I am readily accepting the likelihood I now have cancer, and although I've been told it would likely be curable, there does exist the remote-as-Death-Valley possibility that it's one of two types that would only give me a year to live, at most.

Also, I think it's cool that you've got the hubby around. You're saying that he has his problems from work, and you have your problems. Have you tried just sitting around and discussing them together? Probably won't produce anything useful, but it seems like good catharsis.

In any event, that's what my mother and I do over the phone every week. I bitch about my boss, she bitches about her boss, I bitch about having to fling medical records all around metro Augusta, she bitches about which hormones her OBGYN wants to check next, etc. ,etc.

Interestingly, in absence of "communal bitching" with my mother, we just bitch AT each other, which is one reason I'm not looking forward to spending the next several days up in Indiana with the parents.

In essence, have you tried forming a "life sucks" support group with your family, to try and defuse tensions instead of firing them at others? ;)

I know it sounds idealistic, but it's what I do with my parents. I don't have any friends down here where I live, and I have to resort to family that's 600 miles away (as well as other friends in other locales). And of course, CB. I'm glad I'm here, and I'm glad you're here.

Now about that "labile and disorganized" clause. If this came from your pdoc, you should consider using a "you're fired!" clause on him. He's treating your neurological disorder and emotional symptoms as character flaws (at least it sounds like that to me).

All throughout elementary school (circa 1988-1993), all my teachers called me "careless", "disorganized", "sloppy", "inattentive", "daydreaming", and the oft-feared but ill-defined "irresponsible". (The "irresponsible" one was the most amusing in retrospect, since it stemmed from half me misplacing my markers and half some other girl stealing them.)

Note that the above behavior is completely inappropriate coming from a pdoc, and if the guy is really going to treat you like this, then exit, posthaste.

I hope this helped....

--herrfous

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I'm not so freaked out now so can talk to you without the shame- I hope.

My dx is Bipolar II, which has been current for just under a year. Before that it was depression. I have a new pdoc who has talked to my therapist about an anxiety disorder as well.

I took myself off the AD/lithium I was on before being referred to this doc b/c the stuff made me feel horrible. Not manic but crazy in the brain. Does that make any sense?

I am on Lamictal at 350 from 400 due to side effects,

Epival (valproic acid) at 1500 mg,

Ativan,

and Lithium coming if this combination isn't effective.

My doc doesn't want to do an AD, as he is concerned about increasing the rapid cycling.

He hasn't mentioned an antipsychotic. I could ask.

Coming to terms with this dx is new for me, obviously, but mood instability goes back to childhood. I was really good at hiding in the bathroom or my bedroom doing the silent scream- agony that was dangerous to reveal. then the storm would pass and I would go out and charm and delight the family with my antics.

I believed that I had a spiritual superiority to others and that I understood the world better. I was about 9 by then. Then I would be overcome with fear that I would be horribly punished.

And on and on. A bizarre life, (starting with a bizarre mother with a mood disorder of some sort- possibly borderline) in which I was able to hide behind my "eccentricities".

Depressive episodes came closer and closer together, alternating with rages and ugly irritabllity, and the "life of the party", until over 2 years of fear and grief for my son, who broke out into his first full blown manic episode with serious psychosis (it may be schizoaffective disorder) plunged me into a depression I couldn't hide, especially from myself.

so here I am- I wish I had introduced myself before. I confess, I was afraid of not being accepted. Now I can't shut up!

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Oh, Herrfous, You posted as I was writing. I'm so sorry to hear about your cancer and I really hope it is cureable.

Since my post this morn. I looked again at my pdoc's report to my fam. doc. He says "she presents as labile and disorganized". I found out that the term "disorganized" is commonly used in conjuntion with symptoms of schizophrenia, to do with the thinking. I don't know what it means re me, though! I don't actually think it's the "careless, disorganized, sloppy, inattentive, daydreaming, irresponsible" kind of judgement. (I got all of those, too, including "lazy and selfish"). He has pointed out very compassionately, I thought, the neurological disorder (I was, and still do fear that it's my personality, a bid for attention, maybe) and my moods and emotional symptoms. But I could be defending him. I am not very knowlegable here.

I think you hit the nail on the head (pun not intended) with the crocodile thing. I've often thought myself to be "melancholic". At one time I found it a welcome change from my risky behaviour. I would get off on my gloomy poetry. Do morbid fantasies fall into the same category?

A "life sucks" support group sounds interesting, but my family doesn't believe that. My father, though, has made it clear that he WANTS to listen- that he feels helpless to help me and if I need to talk, to call him, hopefully, rather than the crisis line. He doesn't offer platitudes and isn't condescending, which is a good thing or I would have nothing to do with him. Sounds harsh, but I guess I have no resilience for that sort of thing.

But you're right. I need contact with others who can be as negative as me. That's why I'm here, and I'm so glad that you guys are here b/c I can't get out and find anyone to talk with. I'm good at talking with myself, but maybe that's not so healthy.

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Apterix. Welcome to crazy-boards! Isn't it GREAT to be able to talk to people who "get" it. Here you have the right to whatever you are feeling at the moment in here and I guarantee someone will relate..

Keep posting..I find that getting it ALL out helps tremendously..

BTW..your Dad sounds like a great guy..You are lucky to have that..

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I obsess about losses, death- from my mother to my young cat.

This stuck out to me in your original post. Before I was originally diagnosed with BP-II, back when they were trying to diagnose me as having depression, I would agonize and obsess with thoughts about things happening to people in my family. If my kids were outside playing in the front yard, I would play out entire scenarios in my mind about someone driving down the road and losing control of their car, careening into our yard, and hitting them and killing them. I would drive myself and my husband crazy at night checking and rechecking locks because I would imagine that someone would be breaking into our house at night and trying to hurt/kill us in our sleep. Many times I had to take time off work to call the kids' schools to reassure myself that they made it to school okay and they had not been kidnapped and tortured on their way to the bus stop. Sounds silly and unreasonable, but I would get on these thoughts and my mind would not let them go.

I didn't realize at the time, and originally my pdoc did not bother to explain, that this type of obsessive thinking is a very, very common trait with people with BP-II.

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Apterix---

Your thing about having a sense of "spiritual superiority to others", at least when you were younger, sort of matches the New Age concept of an "Indigo Child".

I'll distill the concept to my own impression that an Indigo child is an Aspie with emotional empathy. Interestingly, some research has shown that Asperger autistics tend to have a hyperfunction of acetylcholine in some parts of the brain, leading to enhanced long-term memory (often of painful events). This long-term memory effect lead to the naming of this neurotransmitter (melanCHOLIc, get it?) by modern science, having been inspired by Aristotle's theory of the melancholic and choleric.

Not that I'm saying you're an Aspie, again, check with your PDoc or an autism specialist if you're really interested.

BTW, another condition for the Indigo child is that he/she has New Age parents to label him/her as such. ;)

That said, it doesn't strike me as schizophrenia, and neither does your 'disorganization'. Your PDoc needs to be more specific as to what 'disorganization' is. ADDers are 'disorganized', when it comes to physical possessions and even train of thought. Interestingly, ADD is often treated with meds that are totally contra-indicated in schizophrenia (such as Ritalin).

Talk to your PDoc about this. Schizophrenia is a very serious diagnosis, and the meds given for it can often aggravate symptoms of non-schizophrenic depressives when the disorder's diagnosed incorrectly. Also, some docs seem to be AAP-happy (I know both of these points by personal experience).

Also, I'm very happy for you that you had your father to listen (even if he didn't understand). I am lucky to have both of my parents that way (although earlier in childhood, my mother barred me from psychiatric care and my father had too much of a work committment to really be involved with my health status). Again, note that my parents are a bit ignorant, to put it in nice terms.

I read further down your post then, about psychosis, so maybe you do need to discuss with your doctor the possibility of some sort of psychotic disorder/personality. There's something called "brief reactive psychosis", which occurs under severe stress, such as what you experienced. Talk to your PDoc about this as well.

Also, I'm going to rescind earlier what I said about firing your PDoc. You said you've otherwise had a good opinion about him, and that's valuable. Also, note that doctors tend to be extremely frank while writing medical reports (often to the point of sounding insulting to their patients). In fact, doctors may full well write the opposite of what they tell you (this is especially true when you present with a physical symptom that you/they think is in your head -- they tell you it's not in your head, and then they write down the possibility of psychogenic symptoms on the record).

Lastly, take what I say about medical doctors with a grain of salt... wait, coming from me, a few truckloads of salt. :) I have had very bad experiences with the medical system, including a series of misdiagnoses as an infant that led to a severe heart defect being ignored (and this nearly got me killed). That's why my parents and I really don't trust doctors and the medical system in general all that much.

I'm going to have a 2x4 in my eye here, and tell you to listen to your PDoc before you listen to some lunatic on the Internet who's trying to give you advice. :cussing:

In any event, best of luck in your treatment, and please do keep us updated.

--fous

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Lol, fous- the image of a 2x4 in your eye with truckloads of salt is....well, ghastly!

So, the acute despair of yesterday has eased off, and talking here helped with that a great deal. I have to admit, I've been around here lurking and posting some, but felt like a sneak until now.

Do you find that you can feel pretty normal, but the hopeless certainty that you have no future lurks (!?) in the background and that nattering voice never lets up?

On another subject, I asked my son's tdoc ( a psychiatric nurse who seems to be as knowlegable as a doctor) about the possibility of my son having schizoaffective disorder and he said that the medication and treatment would be the same as what he is getting now. (Clozapine, lithium, Serequel) So at least we don't have that to worry about.

I don't think I've discussed the obsessive stuff with my doc. I'm so flustered in the appts. that I forget things that I wanted to say. I think I'll write it down for next time.

I'm very grateful to hear you say that it's good to get it ALL out. There seems to be nowhere else to do that. My tdoc keeps interrupting me to teach about skills when what I want is to just talk about it all. they keep saying that cognitive behav. is very helpful, but I'm so impatient with that. I feel like a child.

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Apterix--

About the future thing, sometimes I do have this premonition (though not a voice per se) that I don't have a very long future ahead of me. It's more a premonition of dying before I get old, although not dying before I get a good career going. I guess it might actually be more of an issue in me than you, since I'm probably younger (23; I assume you're older since you have a child).

Cause of death I feel won't be this hypothetical cancer I might have... it'll probably be Terminal Hypochondria instead. ;)

And as for your son, I'm glad that his PNurse knows what he's doing. Is your son also seeing a TDoc? I understand that's of great use in personality disorders.

And as far as issues with your own TDoc, I think s/he considers the whole therapy thing a professional relationship, and is trying to not befriend you. Personally I'd prefer that approach, as my TDoc in Maryland didn't even know what Asperger autism was. See if you can intercalate your issues with learning skills (since that's how we all fix our issues, anyways).

What kind of TDoc you really want, is ultimately up to you, of course. I personally find it more efficient to have my TDoc just teach me skills and separately having friends (online and in real-life) to vent at.

This even in the absence of friends, where I live. Online's almost as good as real-life in terms of verbal support, anyways. I'm in contact with most of my real-life friends that way, incidentally.

Then again, your mileage WILL vary. One thing you should remember though, is that CB exists solely for the reason of its members venting. So vent on! :-)

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Well, I'll clarify the situation with my son. He is dx with BP I with psychosis. He's been hospitalized several times. Because his psychosis is ongoing- as in it does not end when the manic episode ends- there is a possiblity that his illness is Schizoaffective Disorder. He has a very good pdoc (in my humble opinion, as I sat in on several mts) and an awesome tdoc, who is the psych. nurse.

A good point about the tdoc relationship. Sometimes I tell her a detailed acct. of something that happened (which she asked for) and she uses it as a good example of what she was trying to get thru to me. She knows her stuff, I've been told, so I guess I should go with it. I have difficulty accepting my illness, according to both my pdoc and tdoc. Have I said that before? I also have not trusted doctors for a long time, so refused to even think about seeking psychological care. I KNEW I could handle everything on my own, until I couldn't.

Anyway, I don't want to beat this thread to death...I really could vent ad nauseum.

A confession: I have 3 grown up sons, born when I was very young, who do not want to know about their mom's mood problems, even though they all say how moody and unpredictable I was. This makes me very sad. I tell myself it's my own damn fault for...what, I'm not sure. Some of that is there when in my darker times I believe that it would be OK if I wasn't here. My absence wouldn't be noticed. Then I think of THEM being sad and doesn't it break your heart to see or know that your children are hurting?

So I guess I'm here in a full circle. I want to crawl away and not have to regret all the things I regret, so not have to know myself and hate myself- but I can't stand the thought of my kids, husband, dad- suffering on my account.

I know it will pass- it always does- but doesn't it leave a residue, like a scum in your psyche? This is where I actually do hope this is treatable.

Thank you all for your interest and support. I'll be back when I get my shit together!

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Given that your son was diagnosed with a psychotic disorder, you really do need to bring this up with your PDoc with regards to yourself, since this kind of stuff often runs in families.

Again, I understand about you not trusting doctors, obviously. I think it was partially due to the bad experience we'd had with my heart defect, that was to blame for my mother barring me from psychiatric care. Of course, she was only familiar with Freud-derived pseudo-pop-psych, and thought that she'd get blamed on for everything. Ironically, it was my first TDoc (whom I saw at the age of 19) who convinced me that my parents were not primarily responsible for my MI issues, and that it was probably biological instead.

I am surprised that your children don't want to know about your mood issues, esp. since they're complaining about the very same. I'm trying to convince my mother to get treatment, but she categorically denies that she has any sort of MI. If anything, she's one hell of a lot less stable than I am, and I'm very batshit to begin with.

And at least by my experience, and remember that I am VERY upset at my mother for being verbally abusive all my childhood and barring me from psychiatric care, I would be rather sad if she died. I'll be honest and say I do not respect her the least bit and no longer listen to her "advice". But, I do love her as a person, and she tried the best, and was just extremely ignorant and/or stupid. I have a feeling your children love you too, and wouldn't like you to be gone, and moreover, you're neither ignorant nor stupid.

Interestingly, my mom was young (19) when I was born, as well (though make no mistake, she's been happily married to the same man for 25 years as of July '06). That's probably part of the reason her and I fight so much (and the reason she was so abusive towards me) -- she's easily young enough to be my cousin, and in some families, would be young enough to be my sister. I have no idea how your relationship with your children was like, so your mileage will vary.

I'd like to emphasize that your family is NOT suffering under YOUR account. I am in no position to judge, but it looks like it's THEIR problem and not yours. That said, I have no idea how to change that - I have tried to change my own mother, and she refuses. Hopefully, treatment will make your issues better, and this'll help you in your family relationships.

Again, best of luck, you need it.

--fous

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