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Reasons to Live, Promises to not committ suicide


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;) Just in case, nothing graphic, just depressed moaning. :)

So, I'm super depressed. (Yeah, I know... aren't we all?) Depressed enough that my husband, who has seen me go in and out of depressions for years now, has started to say that something is wrong. (That sounded weird, I know. But, there's the depression that sucks but it's like a miserable friend you're used to and then sometimes there's this other thing.)

Anyway, so. the point. (sorry, brain isn't working well, hope someone gets through this.)

I used to be in and out of ERs and hospitals a lot. Some of it was self injury, but there were a few serious suicide attempts in there.

One day my cousin and my aunt sat me down and made me promise to stop trying to kill myself. They said it would break their hearts, etc.

And I promised.

Then. My Cousin died in December, and my Aunt killed herself on Valentine's day.

Oh, and tomorrow is... should be... my aunt's birthday.

I know there are reasons. Other people. After what I went through in February with my Aunt, I would feel like such an asshole doing that to my husband and father and family....

But...

I feel betrayed that I had to promise and then she killed herself.

Saying "I don't want to hurt them" is different than the positive act of making a promise somehow. Being told you are needed.

I need more than just not wanting to hurt the people around me.

And I don't know how to find it. For years now, that promise is what kept me from going there. That promise got nulled out when she killed herself.

I don't expect someone to have a reason for me.

It just sucks. She's gone. He's gone. Her birthday tomrrow. Mine too on Thursday. Nothing feels good anymore. I hate being here. I'm tired. I'm not even doing the things I always do even when depressed. I want out. I need a better reason to live than not wanting to hurt people.

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Then live to be selfish-when the depression doesn't have you by the short hairs who do you talk to, hang out with, do things with? what do you do? why do you do it? when do you have fun and how do you have fun? any one of those things you can make into a reason to hang on. even here many people depend upon your wisdom when they're feeling down. what wonderful thing do you want to do that you haven't yet done?-live for that.

Just live. Because people care for you, they need and love you, they'd miss you, and the world would be without the gifts you have for it.

lilie

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I guess I don't have a reason for you, because everyone's "reason" is different and has different import to them. But I look at it this way: I'm going to die eventually, whether I end it or not. As long as I live, there's some chance things will look up before then. So why not wait and see? Yeah, it's hard as hell and it hurts and it's not. fair. But it's not as if you can reverse your decision after the fact if you decide it might have been a better idea to keep breathing for one more day. We don't really know what comes later, do we? We might have faith but we haven't seen anything for ourselves. What if it sucks worse than here? You could be leaping out of the frying pan and into the fire. Better to wait and see, is my point of view. I happen to believe in the afterlife, myself, but I'm not in any big rush to make sure I'm right ; )

I hope you will find your reason soon, Penny. Just remember: wanting isn't doing. You don't have to do anything, or make any decisions, just because of what you may want or feel like right now. And listen to your husband. If you need extra help to get through this, then get it, because we need you here, lady ; )

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That was the most beautiful thing VE said, I can't comment, but you know how I feel about you and the chats we've had about my own suicidal nature and you have held my hand through some dark times (whether you know it or not).

Penny, I could barrage you with all the usual questions, but you know them by rote. I just want you to know I'm bearing witness and keeping a good thought for you that you are relieved of the intensity of your pain, if only a respite. The first year sucks balls after someone dies. And with all the mitigating circumstances in your story, Jesus.

Love,

S9

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it is true, if you can't live for yourself, live for other people, at least for today.

you know about my dad.

my grief almost killed me, through a broken heart and through suicide. i found him dead in the middle of the floor and lost about a half an hour of time right there, the world didn't exist and it was still, my blood felt like ice.

i shattered, i was a broken piece of myself. i was in and out of the hospital. i had never been psychotic before but now had psychosis, had never had PTSD and now had it from childhood abuse and from finding my dad.

as you've experienced through your losses, you know that when other people die, you do too in some way. you do know that if you killed yourself, that would kill giant parts of the people you love most. i can't tell you how many times i've reached for the phone to dial his number, or pulled over to the side of the road to sob. i've sat at his grave for hours just screaming and crying. i'm not the same. before his death i could hold down jobs, now i'm on SSD. it killed me. he killed a giant part of me.

knowing this, could you ever kill giant parts of the people you love the most? murdering yourself is one thing, a terrible thing, but it has huge effects on the whole ecosystem around you. they made you promise because they know you are needed here.

i promised to myself when i found him that no matter what kind of pain i was ever in, i could never hurt anyone as badly as i was hurt in that instant, the knife, pain, blood. he killed himself with his psych meds but i might as well have found his body blown to bits- my soul was and is blown to bits.

promise me.

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One day my cousin and my aunt sat me down and made me promise to stop trying to kill myself. They said it would break their hearts, etc.

And I promised.

Then. My Cousin died in December, and my Aunt killed herself on Valentine's day.

I feel betrayed that I had to promise and then she killed herself.

Maybe she knew then that she couldn't live if either of you died. Perhaps she wasn't promising to be your support but

asking you to be hers for as long as she could hold on. You of all people would know how hard holding on could be,

and that perhaps there are times when all we can do is to hold a loved one's hand as they slip away.

Just not today.

I don't have many suggsestions that would be inherently better than avoiding the pain a suicide might cause the remaining

people you love. I think sometimes life is like being Janis Joplin singing "Prove that you love me and buy the next round",

hoping for even a cheap beer and only expecting the tab.

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I need you, Penny. When you had to leave us for a while last year, I really, really missed you (even though I knew why).

Don't give up hope that things will get better. I've been through several bouts of depression, one of them extremely severe that lasted for two years. Every time, I did eventually get better. They will for you, too.

~Sunshine

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oh, penny...

I'm so sorry that you are so depressed. I wish that there was something that I could do to take your pain away or to ease it in some sort of way. I would do anything, I really would...

As others have said, you do so much to help others on this board, penny. I can't even count the times you have helped me. I think that it would also be safe to say that, without your support, wisdom, kindness, time, and just everything, I very well might not be here at all. I cannot even tell you how many times your words have kept me from harming myself... I honestly don't know what I would have done without you.

That promise got nulled out when she killed herself.

The promise was as much for yourself as it was for your cousin and aunt. Just because the two of them are no longer here, does not necessarily mean that the promise is null and void... at least the way I see it... Their deaths did not negate everything you had ever done with them in the past... all those things are still in your heart and memory, just as that promise should also still be alive... I don't know...

I need a better reason to live than not wanting to hurt people.

I think about this one all the time, especially at my very low points. Sometimes it seems like the only reason I am still here is just so I don't end up hurting other people with my own death. It is hard to think of anything else other than this reason. Reasons exist, though, even if we might not be consciously aware of them. Penny, you have so many things to offer. You are going back to school... you are doing something with your life. You have also come such a long way and have kicked so much MI ass...

I'm sorry, but my brain is really not working very well. Things that I want to say just refuse to form into words and intelligable sentences. This is happening a lot... I'm sorry.

We haven't spoken in a while and I miss you a lot. I have been at school, not in chat, sort of cut myself off a little because I am not exactly in the best place either and... I don't know... But I do miss you immensely and it kills me to know that you are in so much pain right now.

I hope to talk to you soon and take care of yourself...

you know you can contact me for anything...

<3

Ophelia

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Penny, I have and likely will again, be in your shoes. It is really hard to keep going on when you have no desire to. To come up with a satisfactory reason as to why you should keep pushing air past your teeth.

There are many reasons for depression. Have you had your tyroid checked? I was debilitatingly depressed before I found out that mine was very low.

I don't mean to belabour the obvious, but please, if you are feeling like leaving this world, Ask someone to take you to the nearest or best hospital with a good psychiatric unit.

You have lost nothing in giving it some time and looking into reasons for recent severe depression and tiredness

When you are this deep in depression, it is nearly impossible to think of any good reason to live. See what you can do about the depression k?

Be well

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It's the birthdays and the anniversary. That's a lot to pile up in a week or so.

Can you call your therapist and squeeze in an extra session or two?

You still made that promise, and you know you should keep it. And, yes, you do make a difference around here.

Try to stay as busy as you can, and if you need help ask for it.

best,

a.m.

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That promise got nulled out when she killed herself.

The promise was as much for yourself as it was for your cousin and aunt. Just because the two of them are no longer here, does not necessarily mean that the promise is null and void... at least the way I see it... Their deaths did not negate everything you had ever done with them in the past... all those things are still in your heart and memory, just as that promise should also still be alive... I don't know...

opie said what i was thinking. she disregarded the promise, but you don't have to. the promise wasn't really to them. the promise wasn't in bad faith because they couldn't keep themselves here. the promise was to yourself and you can still keep it.

keep the lines open here penny, and you know we're in chat too if things in the moment get tougher.

keep breathing.

give yourself small gifts of comfort.

try to not judge your pain, but be with it.

keep your guy closeby as much as you can.

read what people have written here - you have helped countless, you have worth, you are cared about, and while there is so much pain around those who didn't make it, there are those of us who have and we're here surrounding you with our thoughts.

take good care,

pj

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True my commie roots, i've never been totaly sure that my life is mine to take. I've been able to put it off until the next day before by thinking that I should at least find a way to die fighting for somthing, to find a way to give my life rather than take it.

whenever we get a bill like the water bill, my husband says (in his best hippy voice) "how can you own water man? it's like, one of mother earth's creatures."

and i agree. i don't own my body. (actually, legally you don't own your own body, there's an interesting court case about this but uh, yeah.)

i used to care. a lot. about what i'm studying. thought i can change the world if i just educate one person. but that passion seems so far off.

...As long as I live, there's some chance things will look up before then. So why not wait and see? Yeah, it's hard as hell and it hurts and it's not. fair. But it's not as if you can reverse your decision after the fact if you decide it might have been a better idea to keep breathing for one more day. We don't really know what comes later, do we? We might have faith but we haven't seen anything for ourselves. What if it sucks worse than here? You could be leaping out of the frying pan and into the fire. Better to wait and see, is my point of view. I happen to believe in the afterlife, myself, but I'm not in any big rush to make sure I'm right ; )

i don't know. you mentioned faith, and this is a tangent.... but i feel like i don't have faith right now. i don't believe. i used to. but it's like i'm trapped in a place where there is no faith, there is no reason, there isn't anything to hold on to.

Don't give up hope that things will get better. I've been through several bouts of depression, one of them extremely severe that lasted for two years. Every time, I did eventually get better. They will for you, too.

of course there is a little voice in the way back of my head that says "things don't always feel like this" but emotion is drowning the voice.

It's the birthdays and the anniversary. That's a lot to pile up in a week or so.

Can you call your therapist and squeeze in an extra session or two?

You still made that promise, and you know you should keep it. And, yes, you do make a difference around here.

Try to stay as busy as you can, and if you need help ask for it.

best,

a.m.

seeing tdoc tomorrow and friday. called pdoc to up my wellbutrin. i've been entering every check and credit card payement into microsoft money because it's mindless and something to do. i have real things to do, but my body feels so heavy.

try to not judge your pain, but be with it.

this is so motherfucking hard for me.

so hard.

every time i cry, every moment of depression... it feels like failure and weakness. the inner critic keeps getting louder and louder.

but i am trying to be with it and let it flow through me. it's just scary.

read what people have written here - you have helped countless, you have worth, you are cared about, and while there is so much pain around those who didn't make it, there are those of us who have and we're here surrounding you with our thoughts.

reading what you all said is touching.

it's hard when it's been so long since i've been posting a lot to feel like i help anyone. and it really does help to know people care.

really, thank you.

Suz-- yeah, the first year. oh god.

Ophelia-- I miss you too sweetie. very very much. i need you back in chat. we've got to figure that out somehow. i hope you're ok.

gah.

the world just feels like too much and i don't know where to get the strength. how to get back to faith, to passion, to hope.

i do want to live for myself, because living for others isn't enough. i just lost my way.

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Penny,

Like AM said, this is a lot to deal with for you right now. This is hard. These would be hard, dark days even if you were the most well-adjusted person on earth. So the first thing you need to do is give yourself permission to feel shitty. It's okay to feel betrayed. It's okay to feel sad and angry and jealous or whatever mix of feelings that you're feeling.

I can't give you a reason to live. I think that the world would be a worse place if you were not here- you do more good than you know. You reach farther than you realize. And these are only feelings, and they're not the only feelings you ever have. So who are you to disregard all the good in the world that you could do- are doing- for temporary feelings? There may always be grief around this. This will be something that will take working through for a long time, probably. But sometimes I think that those of us who are still alive are a testament for those of us who couldn't do it, you know? Carrying the torch in some dumb way.

Try to not fight the feelings and just move through them, like PJ said. Because that's all you can do, you know? The pain about your aunt and cousin isn't going to just go away. The best you can do is try and let it pass through you, you know? Get to the other side of it.

Plus, you have a beautiful new blue bag that needs you to love it and take it on many vacations. ;)

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Hey Penny,

Just wanted to pop in and drop my 2 cents.

I KNOW that you are like SUCH an intelligent, beautiful, strong woman. Body, mind, and soul.

And none of that does anything to negate the fucking abyss that you are in right now.

BUT YOU KNOW IT WILL PASS.

YOU KNOW THIS.

You are on your way to a PhD. You've got a husband who loves you. You've got a lot going for you.

AND you've got a lot of pain that you are trying to work through all at once.

Give yourself some credit. I know how depression can distort the lens...but it is just not fucking true.

I'm not sure if this will help...but yeah, maybe instead of trying to fight what you are feeling, sit with it. Sit with the destructive urge and let it pass. Yes it is scary. But emotions are transitional states.

Because if there is one thing I've learned with all this...the more we repress something, the worse it festers.

HANG ON WOMAN. I know you can do this. I know it hurts like hell...but I've got faith in you to make it through this week.

Keep us posted.

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the last time i did acid was my only bad trip. (this was a few years ago. i had been hospitalized for 10 days a month prior, and i should have known it was a bad time to do acid, but a lot of bad ideas seem like good ideas at the time.)

anyway, i was sitting in my friend's back yard, and we only had candles for light.

slowly, i felt the light dimming and the darkness closing in.

i tried to focus in on the candle in front of me, on the light, but the candle's light didn't reach far enough.

i tried to meditate, to ground myself, to reach out to goodness, to the light, to peace, to god.

and nothing was there.

nothing.

just darkness. no light. no god. no peace. no hope. no faith. nothing to stave off the darkness.

and so the darkness enveloped me and i was paralized in the knowledge that there was no good in the world, no reason, no meaning, no god, no help.

i'm not on acid now, so i can remember a time when i did have faith that there was goodness in the world and meaning and love and god.

but right now life is pretty close to that acid trip.

darkness closing in. no light is strong enough to penetrate the darkness because there is no peace, there is no nirvana.

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Penny,

You'll get through it. If it helps any AT ALL, my process was similar. It was dark for a long fucking time. But unlike you, I didn't reach out. I just wandered around blindly.

This is a time to trust other people's perceptions, and take it on the faith you don't *feel* but is still a part of you, that they are correct.

I came through this, and I truly, truly didn't think I would. Bradley will be dead 5 years 3 weeks and 6 days from today. Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. Married to a dead guy. Woot! Makes winning fights easier.

You have a new blue bag???!!! Why have I not heard of this??

Your lights will brighten up again. Like a dimmer switch. A little bit at first, until you can STAND full on sunlight.

You are where you are because this is where your grief has taken you. It is healthy to be there, however badly it sucks. Don't die and don't stymie the process (as much as you can) and you will pass through the dark tunnels. It's like when they have a series of dark tunnels going through a big moutain--lots of dark, a little light, etc., until there is more and more light.

That has been MY experience, FWIW.

There is no consolation, where you are. It is a very lonely and private place. I don't get that part of it, but I trust that it's necessary to heal well. Meh.

Love,

Suze

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i just went to Jewel Cave in SD. we went over 600 feet underground; the walls of the cave are curved flowing rock covered with 8" thick crystals. the cave breathes...it tries to equalize air pressure with the surface so air blows in or out as needed. while we were down there, the ranger of course turned off the electric lights. darkness so thick, it was velvety was before our eyes. yet the cave was still alive, still growing, still changing....we could hear the dripping of the calcium rich water as it formed new rock formations. when the lights came back on, the rock formations and the crystals were *still there*. they'd been there the whole time.....they existed with or without our presence.

you're in the cave now with the lights out, but just because you can't SEE the crystals doesn't mean they aren't there...it just means you have to wait until the lights go back on. sometimes, the damn ranger takes his sweet time turning on the lights.

anniversaries are hard. don't make any permanent life altering decisions until AFTER you've passed through this emotional time. you and i both know depression interferes with our cognitive abilities, so why make important decisions now? (i'm trying logic in case philosophical metaphors didn't work). wait till you can think straight, then reassess.

and one other thing...i'm hearing some anger down beneath it all.....anger that your aunt *you to a standard she couldn't keep*. perhaps you should look the darkness right in the face & address that issue. maybe the darkness is hiding something that needs to be found, and fought.

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Can't see the stars when you're only looking for sunshine; one of them might be yours.

What do you mean only looking for sunshine? *pouts*

Okay... bad attempt at adding some levity. I suck at empathy. But I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way.

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Can't see the stars when you're only looking for sunshine; one of them might be yours.

What do you mean only looking for sunshine? *pouts*

Hey, most people only look for troopers when they're speeding - and hope they don't find one!

Or maybe that's just me :/

But everyone likes finding lucky pennies! Even the ones as been ground down a bit on the side by cars in the parking lot.

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Penny,

I am very new here and I don't know any of you very well but I want to offer the one thing I can right now.

I know that you are in a bad, bad place right now and feel like you can't see anything but sadness. But I want you to KNOW the God is there with you. He didn't promise us a perfect life but He is here to help us through it. He has not left you.....hang on sweetie....hang on....there is goodness in the world. Sometimes you have to look a little too hard to find it.

I know I have found some goodness for you from reading these posts. You have obviously helped many of these posters through tough times. You may have saved some of their lives by being there for them. Take that to heart honey because that is an awesome thing to be a part of!

I hope I have helped and made some sense!

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But everyone likes finding lucky pennies! Even the ones as been ground down a bit on the side by cars in the parking lot.
Wow, NT, warm fuzzies reading your sentimental side. You of my favorite quote, "fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck!"

PC, null is right, you are a lucky Penny for those of us who know and love you very much. We know you're going to get through the desert. Time is not your friend yet, and that sucks ass, but, honest to fucking god, it will be again. I know you will stick around for DH and for yourself and for us, I'm sad that you are so sad, and know that I'm always having a good thought for you.

"Find a Penny pick it up, and all that day you'll have good luck."

Love,

Suze

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But everyone likes finding lucky pennies! Even the ones as been ground down a bit on the side by cars in the parking lot.

Oooh... good point! And finding "wheat" pennies are even better! As in century-old pennies! Is that where "Penny Century" came from, Penny? Or is that an actual name of an old actress or something? It sounds familiar for some reason.

Anyway... I saw on another thread that it's your birthday and wanted to come by and wish you a happy one. I hope you had a better day today. Can't remember if you like cyber hugs or not. If you do, I've got one for you.

~Sunshine

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Are you having a better week, Penny?

sort of?

fucking up left and right. may have pissed off my tdoc enough that he's fired me.

school has started.

house is a mess.

my brain has been leaving the building. thought i was totally psychotic, but it was just super icky dissociation in a new way i hadn't felt.

abandonment issues are running amock. self esteem is visiting better people.

maybe if i get the energy to clean this weekend and then i like my classes i'll feel better. messy house to me means depression. lack of control. lack of order.

i broke my favorite lamp in a temper tantrum.

i fell down in the bathtub and the bruises are really grody.

um. i'm just running off here.

thank you all for your support.

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Hang in there, hon'. I know things will get better for you eventually. Just take it a day (or an hour) at a time. Set small, short-term goals. I feel your pain on the messy house thing. Mine's a wreck, too. Wish we were closer... we could tackle your house one day and mine the other. It's always easier to do when you have someone to help!

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How did you piss off the tdoc?

Is there a way I can say that he didn't sound like he wasn't really of your caliber without it sounding like I'm calling you abnormally batshit?

She's just too unique an individual for the doctor's adequate, but unimaginative, training to properly

assess and treat. Perhaps someone with a broader perspective or less reliance on generic modalities

would prove a better fit in this instance?

Translation: "Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck!"

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How did you piss off the tdoc?

Is there a way I can say that he didn't sound like he was really of your caliber with it sounding like I'm calling you abnormaly batshit?

tdoc pissed me off by cancelling on 9/19 when i really needed him.

i had an appointment that friday, but um... something happened thursday night that i can't explain as i don't remember all of it... i can't really explain. but it was some dissociation related thing. and i didn't sleep, so i missed my friday appointment.

then i also missed this tuesday. not that we actually had an appointment, it was my traditional time, but we don't have a running thing, we schedule every week for the next.

so, i should see him today, but he's not calling me back.

i guess the short answer is i missed 2 appointments in a row.

but shit, don't patients do that a lot?

as to whether or not he's up to my caliber... sadly no one in my whole damn city does the king of therapy i actually want. and i think one of the main issues he and i have is that he doesn't quite understand things and i feel like he either downplays what is going on with me, or genuinley does not understand.

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yes, someone in this thread mentioned anniversaries, and they are a very big factor in mood and depression. we are reminded, again, in our faces that this is our new reality and somehow we have to cope with it.

there doesn't seem to be a way to cope with it, or get out of the darkness, as you've said.

what about prior days, when you didn't feel so bad? you know this is a cyclical disease. suicide is a final solution to a temporary problem. i know people who have been chronically depressed for most of their lives, however manage to carry it on and live for those days when they feel just a little better. i know you'll feel much better than this in time.

S9 and i both have experienced losses, my dad's loss being suicide. these losses were shocking and we had no way to prepare for them. it wasn't like we could go to the tdoc and get ready for an emotional event to occur. one day you and i were living our lives and the next day the world was turned to darkness and ice.

take heart that as S9 and i have discussed, time will help you. it doesn't take away the hurt or numb the pain, but it takes you past the immediacy of the grief. it no longer controls you and pushes your every move. you will still think of it in the years ahead, but you'll have much more control. it has been just over 2 years since my dad passed, and i find this to be true for me already. my psychosis is going down and i hope i'll be able to function well enough to work in a couple of years. that sounds like a long time, but in grief land it isn't.

i don't think you'll be in the abyss for years. i haven't been ruled by my grief, and i've even been able to think of him and speak of him without crying.

i went to the hospital 4 times in 2 years after he killed himself. i feel your pain.

as i said before, please promise me, promise us...we're alive and here for you.

loon

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  • 1 month later...

Hey Penny..check in please..I have been in my own private hell these days too..Sorry I have nothing so inspirational as those above. But I am worried about you..Did you get things straightened out with Tdoc?

Hang on..life can't always be like this right?

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  • 9 months later...

Dear Penny,

Although I don't know you so well, you have been kind to me here and that means alot to me. Right now, this board is my main means of connecting with people and I would be GREATLY affected if I heard that you died by suicide. But I hear you, you need more than other people to keep you alive especially since your experiences. I understand the pain being too great.

I hang on because I used to love life and I'm still holding out that at some point, something will make a difference as long as I keep trying. The fact that you are still seeing you Pdoc and Tdoc is , and still are reaching out is evidence that you that you are still trying too. Hang on. You WILL NOT feel this way forever.

About a year ago, my seventeen year old son asked me if I would ever commit suicide. I promised him that I never would do that. And yes, it is one of the reasons I hang on. But I think that at any stage at my life, I have to find ANY reason to hang on. Whatever it is.

My mother died by her own hand when she was 29 years old. I was ten. I loved her immensely but have NEVER cried, can't seem to grieve her death. But I believe that her death has profoundly affected me many ways in my life. When she died, I lost her love, my strongest emotional connection, and my protector. I was up for grabs in life. It hurts to know that she intentionally left me alone. Yet, I saw her pain up close and personal and know that she chose to end the pain. In spite of me. So, between me and her I can truly understand your thoughts.

I just ask you to find your reason for not doing so, whatever reason. So that YOU have a CHANCE to fully live your life again. I know you want it.

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Sunshine,

Thank you for your reply. Thankfully this thread is an older one and I am doing better than I was when i first posted. I even made it through the second anniversary of my Aunt's suicide okay.

About a year ago, my seventeen year old son asked me if I would ever commit suicide. I promised him that I never would do that. And yes, it is one of the reasons I hang on. But I think that at any stage at my life, I have to find ANY reason to hang on. Whatever it is.

I'm glad to hear that you've made this promise to him, I know you are going through a rough time and I admire your strength.

My mother died by her own hand when she was 29 years old. I was ten. I loved her immensely but have NEVER cried, can't seem to grieve her death. But I believe that her death has profoundly affected me many ways in my life. When she died, I lost her love, my strongest emotional connection, and my protector. I was up for grabs in life. It hurts to know that she intentionally left me alone. Yet, I saw her pain up close and personal and know that she chose to end the pain. In spite of me. So, between me and her I can truly understand your thoughts.

I am sorry that you had to go through something so hard at such a young age. It is hard to process that kind of abandonment. My heart goes out to you.

I think it's also just really hard to process a suicide. My cousin died shortly before my aunt and his death I truly mourned. I still have not really mourned her death, it's almost like there is a wall there that won't let me. I think some of it is a feeling of betrayal and anger that prevents me from crying for her and mourning her. Even though I think I am closer to understanding now why she left us.

I just ask you to find your reason for not doing so, whatever reason. So that YOU have a CHANCE to fully live your life again. I know you want it.

I don't know if I've found A reason, but I have some reasons right now. I'm also not in the pit of darkness that I was when I wrote this post. I have to admit that I went off of one of my medications last year, and the result was depression so dark my husband called it "oppressive" heh. But I'm back on my wellbutrin and I'm hanging in here as best as I can.

Thank you, again, for your reply.

And thank you to everyone who replied to this thread earlier. I am sorry I was remiss in responding.

My best to everyone,

Penny

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I think it's also just really hard to process a suicide. My cousin died shortly before my aunt and his death I truly mourned. I still have not really mourned her death, it's almost like there is a wall there that won't let me. I think some of it is a feeling of betrayal and anger that prevents me from crying for her and mourning her. Even though I think I am closer to understanding now why she left us.

Our conscious minds can only cope with so much pain and then it shuts down. You have lost 2 very dear family members who meant so much to you close together. Putting the depression aside for a moment that's more than enough for anyone to cope with. Any death that is not expected or natural is devastating. I think murder and suicide top the list as the most devastating of all. And the closer the person the harder it is and the longer it takes to recover.

Part of the grieving process is to feel anger/betrayaland guilt for having these feelings. There's also surviour envy and guilt. Grieving is something the mind does in its own time and certainly doesn't always follow the step by step process. Its when our wounded child is most prevelant too. Whatever feelings come up you are allowed to have them.

I deeply feel for you as I lost my best friend - we consider ourselves sisters - who had recovered from a ten year heroin addiction and became a counsellor working with kids in care. She was amazing. She knew I suffered from depression and helped me through several bouts. Unfortunately we had argued and I had stormed off for a week. I went to see her to apologize and she wasn't at home. 2 days later she died in a car accident. Inside I imploded and went straight to denial. It's been 10 years now and I still cry and miss her. On good days I can see her laughing and know she is somewhere - happy and laughing.

I think you have shown amazing strength, courage and vulnerability to post during this time.

Just to end with a thought re: the darkness..... everything comes from nothing. Some people refer to it as the womb of the Great Mother. We are were "created" and grew in the darkness of the womb and then we are born in to the Light.

Out of the darkness came the spark of divinity......us.

Best wishes

Hawk

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I do not want to off myself because:

1) My parents. Yes, they're idiots who didn't know how to raise a child, but they still did spend a LOT of time and money on me, and I want their "investment" to be returned in the form of a happy me (who's still alive, of course).

2) In principle due to my maternal grandfather. Like Mom and I, he harbored the supposed dominant batshit1 gene, and from Mom's recollection, was a verbally abusive jerk (and a possible alcoholic). He committed suicide in 1985, aged 48, before I even got the chance to ever meet him (I was 2 years old when he died).

As a sidenote, Grandpa also loved to write, mostly about the science and engineering subjects that interested him, (but those he didn't know about too well; he was an English teacher and not an engineer!). When I visited Grandma in India, she gave me some of his "diaries" to read (they were of course, written in English). I was amazed and quite frankly, shocked at how similar his writings were to my own interests and writings!!!

and 3) Maybe I have a purpose in society. I want to go into a field that has a great impact on our lives (either healthcare administration or biotechnology research administration), and perhaps I can lend a hand in doing something important before I depart this earth.... I wouldn't be satisfied dying any time in the near future, since that'd mean that all I was on this earth was a heavy user of resources (i.e., being a waste of oxygen).

What about living for your husband?

IMO, a valid reason... any family, really... my opinion at least, though I was raised in an Eastern culture and still follow some of its tenets...

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About a year ago, my seventeen year old son asked me if I would ever commit suicide. I promised him that I never would do that. And yes, it is one of the reasons I hang on. But I think that at any stage at my life, I have to find ANY reason to hang on. Whatever it is.

My mother died by her own hand when she was 29 years old. I was ten. I loved her immensely but have NEVER cried, can't seem to grieve her death. But I believe that her death has profoundly affected me many ways in my life. When she died, I lost her love, my strongest emotional connection, and my protector. I was up for grabs in life. It hurts to know that she intentionally left me alone. Yet, I saw her pain up close and personal and know that she chose to end the pain. In spite of me. So, between me and her I can truly understand your thoughts.

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