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a ramble and a plea


yeahwell

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This is my first post on these forums, I found them semi-randomly and they seem pretty great.

Basically, I have some sort of body image problem.

I don't know if I'd go so far to say it's an eating disorder, but it's close. I've had times where I've obsessed over pro-ana websites, frantically counted calories while trying to stay under 500 cals a day, and weighed myself three times a day. I've never dipped into a dangerdangerwillrobinson area in terms of physical health, becauseI have no self-control and can't stop myself from eating when I get hungry-- and if I've been starving myself all day, I'll binge at night.

I haven't done the starving myself thing for a while. But the mentality has never gone away, and even though I don't actually count calories, I feel guilty for every. single. thing. that i eat. I hate my body, I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror. I'm 5'2" and 130 pounds (weighed myself today for the first time in months, ugh) and I feel disgusting constantly.

I don't know what to do. I'm in therapy but I can never seem to bring it up because I'm so ashamed, I guess.

And even now, just talking about it is making me want to start all of this up again, the calorie counting, everything.

So my plea is for advice. Please, just...give me something, anything.

Thanks.

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Hi there,

I don't have any experience with eating disorders, but I have heard many people say that they know they need help but just can't seem to bring it up in therapy. It is like there is a road block you have to break through, but it looks so big and imposing.

I think posting here is a good start. Getting your thoughts out and in writing might help the barrier to start to erode. One posibility is to take the post you wrote and print it out to hand to your doctor. It may be easier for you to do that than to actually say it out loud.

There are others on this board who have been in the same boat as you...hopefully they can stop by and give you some more direct advise.

Until that time, post away.

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i go through stages where i'm find with my body and even like it (5'4 and 125lbs), and other times where i hate it ;) and even think of cutting off my stomach fat with a knife or something disgusting like that. :)

i went to the GP about it when i was a teenager, because i had lost so much weight through being on teh soccer team, cross country team (in the same season), and starving myself.

he told me point blank that ana is the deadliest MI and that i would kill myself eventually if i went down that road. he told me that i wasn't a normal weight for my height, that i would lose my period, and eventually grow down on my skin to protect myself from the cold. all this is true for ana sufferers.

what he said made me think and scared me into eating. i know that for many ana sufferers it isn't as easy as being scared into it, but for me it was. he just told me the reality i was facing and i started to eat. whether i liked my body or not, i started to eat.

i developed an appreciation for my figure once i started to fill out and other people reinforced my confidence by complimenting my curves. i grew breasts again and was in no danger of growing down on my skin. now when i go to the gp he still weighs me and talks to me about my body image, even about 15 years later. i can't believe i've been seeing him that long and that we're both that old!

ana kills people all the time. keep that in mind. no matter if you like your body or not, it needs nutrition to function. you'll die without it. that is a slow and painful suicide. keep that in mind and chow down. eat healthy meals during the day and have dinner. that should stop the binging. i know where you're coming from. sometimes it is a battle for me too. but look at famous people you admire, and even regular heros in your life who are of a normal weight. these people aren't heros because they're skinny adn frail, they're heros because of what they accomplish in life.

we have a body image thread going here that is really insightful. i love it and keep referring people to it. it is called the weight of the average american woman or something like that. normal women are not stick figures. we come in all shapes and sizes. celebrate yours and the contributions you can make to society when you are not spending your energy counting calories. you'll be amazed at how much more time you have when you're not preoccupied with that.

take care of yourself,

loon

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I too feel guilty and disgusting for every piece of food that passes my lips. I know that for me talking about it and not having the shame of it being a secret is a big help. As hard as it has been to be open and talk about how all-encompassing my obsession with weight and food is, I feel like I'm not burdened as much by it being a secret.

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