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reality is terrifying


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i am feeling so awful i guess... i just ate an enormous amount of food and i am not throwing it up because i am fucking sick of destroying my organs.. but i just dont know what to do. i continue to let myself eat like crazy, almost as much as i am capable at times, because i am thinking about huge stuff that worries me and makes me feel like nothing in life matters... and anyway, i have been realizing lately that even though i often want to not live, i know that i have to for probably at least another twenty years or so and that realization changes many things, including the fact that i really want my stomach and esophogus to keep working and reminds me that i have a future and i sure as hell better stop throwing up every day because the future is real and i am starting to scare myself when i feel how much impact i am having on a body that has to keep going for many more years and anyway, when i am aware that death and an end to existence is real and is absolutely the only thing that is for certain, i really dont want to die. and it scares the shit out of me when i realize how i am actively shortening my life span every time i can feel difficulty in swallowing and other very obvious physical failings..... o man.. i just dont know i am so confused.. life is too big but eating only drowns out that realization, it doesnt make it any better and it only creates a habit that in the long run is really going to fuck me up

sorry this was such a crazy message... i just have so little hope for things right now... i feel like maybe if i knew there was a purpose in life and a meaning to emotions or human to human interaction, etc then i could be okay.... i dont know...

reality is terrifying but eating and vomiting to drown things out only makes the end come sooner..

at least coming here made me stop the cycle for tonight

hope you guys are feeling okay today

-amanda

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hiya-

i'm replying so you know people read your posts and you're not alone. i don't share your particular disorder, but i understand the desperation and the pain. no matter how we express it, whether through torturing our bodies with food/no food, addictions, unstable interpersonal relationships, unstable self-image, suicide attempts, whatever way we show it, the pain is there behind it.

i think we just show our pain in different ways, but the pain is there.

you know you want your organs to be intact for your whole life and that you want to live. you feel like crap sometimes, probably when you're cycling, and you want to torture yourself again. somehow, that will make it better. like somehow, cutting will make something better, or telling your lover to f-off or however people deal with pain.

am i making any sense? i'm meaning to say that we're here with you, with our own pain and dysfunctions. post here and we do read it, even if we don't feel we have anything to contribute. it is hard to contribute to a post like yours because i think few people on this board have purging problems (at least that they discuss here), and it is just alien to us. but when you think of the pain that causes the purging, we're all on the same page.

love and light,

loon

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sorry , just realized this post was kind of graphic, i guess i was kind of upset so i just said what ever i was thinking..

i still have the same questions about life but i know that i dont like shortening it with ed problems, so thus far today i have done alright. i sincerely hope that all of you are feeling well today

-amanda

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i completely understand your problem i am a purging bulemic have been for many years. and when i post about it i generally get little numbers of replies, not because people dont care but just cause i think it is very hard for people to understand and relate too when they dont have it. i also personally feel some people dont see it as "that big a deal"

look at idiots like "pink" who make fun of chicks purging. not acknowledging its a REAL mental health issue, not just something stupid girls and boys do.

i know that feeling when u over indulge, and u cant make yourself sick for whatever reason. it is horrible. words can not describe it. all i know is that i want to crawl out of my skin when i have done it.

The hospital staff told me it is the first 30mins after a meal that are the hardest to get through and if u can adequatly distract yourself for this amount of time u have a better chance of keeping it do

good luck 2 u, i still havent had much success with this. Pm me if u ever need to chat about this issue and no one on here replies!

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