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Leading double life


myevilme

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I haven't spoken a word to anybody about this since almost a year ago when it started. I have a bf, who is a pretty decent guy half the time, then I have a lover on the side, who is a sweetheart who would give me the world if I asked. So, I've been seeing both of them since January. It involves lots of lying on my part and actually only adds to my stress and anxiety and such. I feel bad for cheating, but I also feel a perverse pleasure for getting away from it. It gets way more complicated than I want to get into on here for legal reasons, but the second lover is a prominent figure in the community and if everything that has happened got pushed out in the open his life would pretty much be ruined. As for the first, he just might go psychotic and kill me. I don't know, I feel like I love 2 people at the same time. Is that possible? Am I just a raving lunatic who goes around destroying lives? The guilt of this is really starting to wear me down, that's why I post here. Just trying to straighten it all out to write it here is making my head spin. There's so much more involved it's insane, I'll have to put up another post when I can get my head straight. What always runs through my mind is a little lyric, "love is like falling, and falling is like this" Well, I'm falling, and when I hit the ground I'm going to hit hard. The question is will my eyes be open or closed.

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i see loving two people (or more!) like this- we're all individuals. i can only provide you with so much. i am not your doctor, dentist, aunt, and best friend all together. we all have people in our lives who fulfill different needs, and it isn't fair to make one person fulfill them all.

many people see Lover or Boyfriend as a kind of office, do you know what i mean? like the office of President or soemthing. we can only have 1 of those.

i don't agree with that. i think we have certain needs that of course cannot be met by one person alone. our society has a convention, shared and not shared by some other cultures, that we have to be with only one person. but who says so? we lead our own lives, right?

my philosophy has always just been that as long as no one finds out, no one knows and no one gets hurt. think of the depeche mode song 'policy of truth'. don't go around confessing. decide how you feel about the situation- are you one who believes that there are some things one can give and some things the other can and that it is ok to have them both, or do you believe in the one and only idea? they're just different ideas, not one is right or wrong in my opinion. they work for different people. deciding that is obviously the key to deciding what to do with your relationships.

personally, i love being worshipped, so i'd keep the worshipper and dump the psycho if it were me, but that's another story. actually, being me, i'd keep them both and have another lover on the side ;)

loon

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I don't know that I agree completely with Loon. I think there can and ultimately should be one person that fulfills all roles to you. Of course this is only my personal opinion.

All I can say is, having a double life was the real turning point that set off my nervous breakdown. Because I didn't want to be married, I went outside of that relationship to give me the "thrills" and "excitement" I convinced myself I was missing. My EX wasn't providing these things, he wasn't "risky" enough, he was my "example" of normal and what I should be doing (being married) rather than what I wanted to be doing (which I still don't know the answer to completely).

It was during the time that I met my current boyfriend, but prior to meeting him I had a few lovers on the side. At some point I was really getting risky with one of them and he ended up forcing me to do something I didn't really want to do (add drugs and a prostitute to the mix, it's a bad, bad feeling afterwards when you are sober).

With my current boyfriend... I did break up with my EX before anything got serious, however, I still was messing around. Once too many times while he was actually present led to a fist fight (BF with guy I was with AND myself... don't worry though, BF has had cognitive therapy for his anger) and led to him never wanting to speak to me ever again. That was the moment everything came crashing down on me.

IF you are feeling stress from the situation I would personally recommend you take out the stress factors. I don't know the history with psychotic boyfriend... would he REALLY want to come after you and kill you? Or do you just have a fear of this?

I don't know... you really have to assess this situation delicately and honestly for yourself. The warning signs are there though if you are worried/stressed about it though. It would be much more thoughtful if you thought about YOURSELF and took care of YOU first and foremost.

Ren

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  • 2 weeks later...

You need to set the record straight. There is no other way to put it. You can't go back in time, so do the right thing now because that's what good people do.

Setting the record straight would be very damaging to the sweetheart with a public office. myevilme hasn't

indicated that that bf has done anything to have his world completely destroyed. My inclination is to suggest

gently letting #2 go his own way - or making it clear that #1 would make the situation Very Publically Messy

if the affair were ever found out if "gently" doesn't work... and then keep the whole affair as a fun

but fleeting PRIVATE memory.

my philosophy has always just been that as long as no one finds out, no one knows and no one gets hurt.

That is not a very accurate philosophy. The woman is clearly hurting in some form or another as a result of her own actions.

...

Or better yet, find a man who's as kinky and open as you.

That is probably not that difficult - myevilme doesn't sound all that kinky, OR happy with an open-ended

relationship.

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You say you love both of them, but do they love you? If #1 went psycho on you, would you blame him? I'm not buying the fact that you are trying excuse your behavior by saying that #1 is decent, but #2 would give you the world if you asked. That doesn't make it ok to cheat.

If you were having problems with #1, then you should have broken it off with him. You can't love 2 people at the same time UNLESS you ALLOW yourself to get intimate enough with #2 to know if you love him. Or maybe you really don't love them, maybe you're just infatuated, maybe you just like the attention and the thrill of it. But I'm here to tell you it's a dangerous game you are playing. Not only are you losing yourself in the drama and the stress, but if either of them finds out you'll be hurting them too. I know that hurt...I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not even on the one that hurt me that way.

If you're the kind of person that doesn't believe one person can fullfill your needs, then at least be up front about it in the beginning and give the guy a chance to decide if that's ok with him.

How to deal with the sticky situation right now? I agree with Null, let #2 go.

Croix

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Setting the record straight would be very damaging to the sweetheart with a public office. myevilme hasn't

indicated that that bf has done anything to have his world completely destroyed.

then he should have nothing to worry about.

American voters are generally not so understanding about their politicians' personal affairs as Canadians.

What myevilme has described might destroy the guy's career if it were made public.

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When something makes you feel sick and stressed, I think that it's because deep down, you know it goes against something you believe in. Inside somewhere, you know what you are doing is not right. Be honest with yourself and them, tell them that you are involved with someone else and let them decide if they want to continue their relationship with you. There are few things worse than giving your heart, trust, love etc. to someone and having it betrayed. That type of betrayal really brings out the worst in people. I think that it is because you have taken away their power to choose whether to stay or go. They have been involved in something that they thought was one thing and turned out to be something else and THAT is really really shitty!! Sounds like you already know this and it's taking a toll on you now too. Be honest with everyone and let people decide what happens next. In the end, you will feel better. You can only hide from yourself for so long. Good luck.

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American voters are generally not so understanding about their politicians' personal affairs as Canadians.

What myevilme has described might destroy the guy's career if it were made public.

true, but the lesson learned might also turn him into a more compassionate, considerate individual in the future. I feel as though a lesson needs to be learned here for the greater good of all parties involded.

It's easy to say that others need to "learn a lesson" when the price of the lesson is one that you would never be expected to pay.

Would it make you a more compassionate and considerate individual if I told your employer, employees, and family, that I was

cheating on my boyfriend with you? (Assuming that we were in fact having a torrid international affair)

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i've mentioned on other boards that i was recently DXed with a high-risk (high risk for cervical cancer) strain of HPV.

i've *almost* always had *safer* (no way to be totally safe) sex with my multiple partners.

there's no way to know when i got it or from whom- it can stay dormant in the body for years, even decades, and then emerge. it could have been my first lover, who did come to me and say he had been exposed to HPV, for all i know.

but what i'm saying is that my prior comment was made without consideration of the health risks involved. now, facing the possibility of cervical cancer (unlikely since we caught it so early, but still), my eyes are open to this fact. we can't just go around screwing everyone and not expect to catch something.

HPV, in men, shows no symptoms, unless it is a lower-risk strain, and then it could produce warts. men can only get tested in the anus, no where else. so men who sleep with women, the people who are really at risk from this virus, have no idea of knowing if they are infected. talk about making it hard to pinpoint!

i think that while a few of my partners over time have come to me with this information, it is possible that i contracted it due to my "i'll just have fun" attitude. (i got a huge lecture from my mom yesterday).

getting an STD should not be a punishment for having sex, but it is. they're out there.

condoms aren't 100%, but they do minimize risk as much as it can be minimized.

be safe.

loon

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  • 1 month later...

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