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When i can't think about his deal/suicide/thinking of it anymore, i tend to overkill on the drinking and have half a bottle of parrot bay.\

you know i get drunk. i'm only 5'4 and 125lbs.

like i am now...

not healthy on my meds, i know, since i take a lot of meds that i know interact with alcohol...

i can't think of anything but Ruby Tuesday...still i'm gonna miss you

i see his body before me, i see his death, i feel his lack of pulse, his lack of oxygen...i see the bottles of crazymeds laid out before me and his journal telling me what to do with his final preparations...

tears are down my face. i can't take it. it is like it happening all over again. i drink to not cope with it, but every time, i face it again, even harder than i was facing it when i was sober. "still i'm gonna miss you plays in my head- like a death calling or something. i'm stable on meds, but as you know, stability is as frail as a line drawn in the sane, threatened by the incoming waves of ocean water...

i can't resist. maybe this belongs in the substance abuse thread. i just can't stop drinking when i feel the horrid flashbacks and the horror of his dead body and his jounal- i missed at least a half an hour of time sitting there before i called 911 after i determined that he was actually dead- i 've been to the hospital for it 4 four times, either by depression, suicidality, psycosis, or mania. i'm all over the board.

what do you suggest is the cure? is there any cure? besides going to my p and t docs and coping it out with them, will i achieve peace anytime sooner, or is this such a trauma that i'll suffer it all my life? where is the end? it is far worse than any sexual abuse i've suffered- i've actually gotten past prior rapes and sexual abuses. i've gotten past physical abuses and deveoped an adult relationship with my mother. my father is gone due to bp1 suicide, and i found him dead. he probably thought i was the strongest one and that i'd know what to do , but in the end i'm horrified. any suggestions?

loon

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Hi Loon,

I dont think I have any magick words that will help the intense feelings be any better.

I was gonna write a lot of sh*t about time and how it heals, maybe not all wounds, but at least makes them more bearable. Somehow. But, ive never been in your shoes exactly and I havent had to cope with a suicide (yet). Maybe my own wanting, but thats way different from having to deal with someone elses death. Especially a parents.

Please becareful with the booze. Crazymeds and alcohol dont mix. I know you know that, but just try to be careful.

My thoughts and prayers are with you,

Selene

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tears are down my face. i can't take it. it is like it happening all over again. i drink to not cope with it, but every time, i face it again, even harder than i was facing it when i was sober. "still i'm gonna miss you plays in my head- like a death calling or something. i'm stable on meds, but as you know, stability is as frail as a line drawn in the sane, threatened by the incoming waves of ocean water...
Oh, Loon...poor sweetie. It has only been 2 years, right? I can't IMAGINE how horrifying your flashbacks are, but clearly they are exacerbated by the alcohol. And, as you said, your stability is precarious as it is. I'm not judging you. I drank away the pain after Bradley died for a year and 1/2, and I knew it was coming, was with him and it was blissfully peaceful.

I just can't fathom it. You do roam about the map (me too) but also have an underlying core strength that will get you through this. But be careful daughter, you don't want to follow his path, even accidentally. You are a bright light and have much to give, you will find your way. Stick with the therapy. I'm 3 years in and finally coming around.

{{{{{{{{{{{Loon}}}}}}}}}}

S9

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selene- yes, time has made it somewhat better, but there are periods (like recently) where i have such a hard time dealing with it. i know my booze and meds don't mix- sometimes it is such a temptation- you think it will make the pain go away, but it just brings it on worse.

s9- it is really encouraging that at 3 years you're coming around. i know that was a horrible loss for you as well. my dad died in may '04, so it will be 3 years in not all that long. i hope i'll have made more progress by then. sometimes it feels like i'm making backwards progress.

i met a new friend at the pdoc, and he wanted to go to lunch today, so i said sure. i picked him up at a gas station because i didn't think i knew where he lived. when i took him home, it turned out that he lives on the corner of my dad's street, 2 houses from my dad's house. now that was a bit too much.

that brought back my flashbacks, and i'm having them again now. but today they're not self-medicated.

i really hope that at 3 years i'll be as far along as you, s9.

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i really hope that at 3 years i'll be as far along as you, s9.
Everybody's different, you know that, sweet stuff. Actually it's been 5 years since he died, on Oct. 16th, it's been 3 years since I've been in therapy, pretty much every week. Haven't taken any serious breaks. Longest maybe 6 weeks?

It's only been in the last year that I have really started getting some kind of a grip.

I feel for ya babe. I do. You are keeping it together pretty damn good for everything you have going on. Just be CAREFUL! Don't wanna lose you!

Hugs,

S9

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Loon, honey, I have always noted one consistent theme with your posts, and that is your inner STRENGTH. You are so wise and so grown up for someone your age. I can only imagine your pain... but I know one thing for sure, and that is that you can handle it, and you will endure, and you will emerge on the other side of this deep, deep crater of anguish and loss.

I can also tell you, based on my experience, that the feelings of grief and loss never go away. Ever. But. They do diminish with time. The moments of sheer despair and anguish do grow farther and farther apart. Ultimately, you'll be able to enjoy your pleasant memories of Dad, and the grief and loss will only pop up occasionally.

I still sometimes cry over missing my Mom and Dad, and that was 15 years ago, but nearly all the time, I remember the fun times, the good times, and I don't cry. This will happen for you too, eventually.

Just please be careful with the Parrot Bay. You don't want to accidentally kill yourself. Your Dad wouldn't want you to either. Don't do it, please. Too many people love you and need you, especially your siblings, who look up to you.

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you're all so supportive and good to me, really!

s9- i've been in therapy for it since last december. it took me awhile to come to the point where i was capable of discussing it- and not just sobbing at some poor tdoc. i took my klonopin as directed and just suffered it out. it is amazing that you're coming to terms with losing bradley- it feels like i'll never get to that point, but you're showing me that through your grief you are getting there.

libby- thank you so much for your compliments. sometimes i feel like the biggest baby in the world, sitting here and sobbing, listening to our favorite music over and over again, reliving it all as if it is happening now, or happened yesterday, because the reality hit me as i was making his final arrangements.

and your losses too, that you've lost both parents and can remember the good without tears- i hope i get to that point someday.

i think from now on i'm going to ask my friend to meet me at the gas station up the street from where my dad used to live- being there was too much and has set me off again.

no more parrot bay, i promise, i've taken my meds today like a good girl.

loon

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Oh sweetie I'm sorry you're having troubles. my mom has been gone for ten years. her death was a shock (heart attack) though she didn't suffer long it still is never easy and I miss her at the oddest times (like going through the drug store-she'd skim the sunday papers and go in for the deals) the pain never fades but try honey and maybe up your time with the doc and ease up on the drink. Try to escape in good memories,favorite foods, and favorite music.

Goddess Bless

lilie

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since i'm still waiting for the quality control check to come back from chicago to give me my full SSD, i'm receiving SSI from my state in the meantime. they said it would last 3-5 weeks, and it has been 2, so i don't need to get into a tizzy over it or anything.

anyway, there is the question of where i'm going to live now that i have such a limited income.

i was looking at HUD places, and one of them was on a street near my dad's. i thought it was further away, so i did a drive-by. they only had a 6-month waiting list, and usually the lists go faster than that. it turns out that it is also right near my dad's. you can see it from there.

i just can't believe life keeps taking me there. i ask myself if there is a reason for this, or if it is just kismet. (I'm unitarian universalist- meaning i accept the validity of all positive spiritual paths and atheism too).

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