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Driving myself crazy with out a map


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:wtf: I spent the weekend agonizing over the stupid question of " Are the voices/entities in my mind real or am I just so damned insane that I'm making them up?"

So far most of the doctors tell me to completely ignore them.

Obviously these people have never had a chaos of voices in thier head before ;)

:):cussing::cussing: The loud crazy girl that constantly rubs my face in crap and erodes my will to not self injure or attempt suicide, the scared little ones that are either crying because they don't want to be hurt, whining for sweets or asking random questions/shouting silly words. The glamour girl that wants to dress sexy and play with makeup, who always wants to flirt and preen on line. The voice that begs for more booze to drowned out every one else. Poor abandoned and bleeding little girl me in the corner...GOD! I could go on and on.

IF I am in truth a mutiplicity, then the ones who take control when I'm shut out are very adept at pretending to be me and are very wary as I am. Creeping out like mice to have what ever it is that they want and not giving them selves away. Andrew, my SO says that he is starting to recognize some of them by my behavior and how I dress etc. But I'm still in the agony over the whole mess. I guess it is about the same in the end. Either I'm making the whole load of crap up and believing in it at least subconsciously or I'm an un-numbered group of siamese sibs joined at the tramatized psych.

One of my tdocs is cautiously talking around the subject with me, and I guess thats what has me all stressed up about it. I worry that I'm making it up on some level because I don't feel validated enough and I'm insecure. I have entertained myself with made up stories since my earliest memories. It's just these guys are stepping out of the story book and taking over my life.

It's hard to get anyone to discuss this with me in the area where I live, I guess that they are worried that if they encourage me, I WILL make things up...GOD! I just don't know.

Ignore them to my best ability or acknowledge them and try to deal with them on my own?

Obviously it is going to be a battle to get any one to help with the mess. I've ordered a bunch of books from Amazon and am waiting for them all to arrive. My house is a mess and so am I.

I'm trying to keep on top of the responsibilities and chores and not fall back into drinking, cutting , burning or any of the other addictive little habits I'm partial to.

The new psychiatrist in my life is considering that I ALSO may be one of the types of BP...I am much more mono polar. Im stuck in what seems like a mixed state all of the time, it varies wildly as to intensity...or maybe I'm just REAL crazy. Going in on the 9th of next month to have a sleep deprived EEG and another appointment with doc #3. Trying desperately to keep it all together until then. I'll just give up and go to little chunks and bits after that.

Sorry to just go on a mad rant like this. I'm impatient as usual and want answers that none of the professionals are willing to give me. I'm trying to read as much as possible, but at the same time I'm constantly told to not self diagnose. It's a nasty little corner that I (we?) are painted into at the moment and I'm trying to just take a deep breath and deal with it

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Panz,

Whatever the cause, you are NOT making them up.

One way or another, there is a reason for them, and you can be treated form them. Whether it is hallucinations, which can be treated with meds, or whether it is some form of DID, which a therapist can treat, I don't think that you are doomed to live with them forever.

Be open and honest with the doctors, make sure they know how much the voices are distressing you. They must know the full extent so they can understand and treat you.

best, a.m.

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Panz, it sounds like you have lazy ass doctors.

You could just tell your pdoc that no, you *cannot* ignore the voices no matter how hard you try, and that you need *medical* intervention, ie. more Seroquel or Risperdal or whatever it might take.

You do not have to keep suffering like this, honey. Your doctors need to get a grip. If you think it would help, ask your husband to go with you to your next appt. Or have him make the phone call and tell the docs you need help NOW.

What about hospitalization? Do you have insurance?

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no, you are not making them up. it doesn't matter if they are hallucinations or alters, you. are. not. deliberately. making. them. up.

depending on the source, there are ways to address the problem and either subdue it OR get everyone to work together.

btw, it seems to *me* that being in a permanent mixed state would be traumatic enough to cause dissassociation. i'm not a doc, but i can feel that that would be a very very very traumatic way to live.

oh, and even if some docs don't believe in multiplicity, they all do still believe in severe dissassociation...which is treated w/therapy i think.

so really, you aren't going to be told you're making it up. but whoever said 'ignore them' is themselves, sadly out of touch of reality. i myself could not function with all that noise in my head. i give you props for making it & having a life, seriously.

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well, if you are just psychotic, they can put you on meds to help.

if you are dissociative or multiple, they can put you in therapy to help.

either way, it needs dealt with, not swept under the rug by saying it isn't there. your doctors are lazy and probably scared of you. that's been my experience anyway, and my good therapist agreed - most people are terrified of DID and schizophrenia and anything else where this reality does not rule your every action.

i hope you can find someone competent to help you. those docs might be great if you have an issue they are comfy dealing with, but they aren't the right people to be helping you right now.

good luck!

abifae

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i agree- whether it is a form of severe dissociation, DID, or schizophrenia, it isn't like you are deliberately making up anything. understand for yourself that you have a terrible issue to address, and do what you can to make your doctors understand the issue.

i'd ask them flat out what they believe is going on, and judge their level of expertise from there. if you're experiencing strong symptoms and their reply is weak at best, then they either don't understand you or don't want to believe what you're telling them. i think it is something hard for even pdocs to handle. i think that we all, to some level, have 'personalities' in ourselves, but only in some people does it become a huge problem that you take notice of. we're all unique and behave a different way at different times (that's what i mean), but in some cases, like in yours, it merits further investigation.

my question is - why are they being idiots about it? just treat the disorder. i'm not sure if DID can be treated with psych drugs or not (www.mosaicminds.com is a great site for DID), but schizophrenia sure can be.

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Libby, Im on Idaho state medicaid, I get ssi and ssd checks, which are rather small, but I AM grateful to have them. I can only do so much on the medicaid, and they can always refuse to pay anything that they don't feel like they want to cover and sometimes what they won't cover makes no sense. One of the things that they accepted me on was eyesight limitations, but the refused to pay for either my reading glaaes or my contacts. Neither of which help with my depth preception problems or let me see more than 10' away with any clarity.

So I am allowed a certain amount of mental health help a year. My current 2 weekly councelors don't seem to know what to do and seem to latch on to only one of my diagnoses at a time (PTSD) and concentrate only on that disorder. The psychiatrist that they've refered me to is hella busy and I can only see him about once a month. I spent the 6th through the 13th in the loony bin this month and I almost died of boredom...the only thing that they did was repetedly admonish me to ignore all voices and sounds and upped my Seroquel a bit and added trazodone for sleep. I get to see the psychiatrist again on the ninth, when he is having me tested for Epilepsy because I mentioned that I see auras and have headaches prior to my time loss episodes. He also thinks that I might be some form of BP :) . I'm going to try and not freak out this time and explain in better detail the voices and other aural oddities. ;)

Thank you guys for the encouragement, I really need it

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You're strong, Panz. You're gonna get through this. We're all pulling for you.

p.s. I still think your doctors are idiots for saying to "ignore the voices" as if that's going to help anything. They need to fix it with meds, not just tell you to ignore it.

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so let me get this straight- hearing voices means you have bipolar disorder? last i heard, bp meant dramatic changes in mood. sometimes you can have psychosis, but i don't think that the hearing voices protion has anything to do with bipolar disorder! that's just stupid!

what kind of doctors do you have up there? obviously there aren't enough of them and the ones there are happen to be morons.

all the advice i have is just to push them to treat your voices issue. whether with a pdoc or a tdoc, the issue needs to be addressed.

we're all here for you!

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