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Screwed up and Lost Friends


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I finally have a dx. I'm actually happy about it, even if that sounds strange. Because this has been going on for 2+ years I knew it had to be more than just depression! My t-doc suggested it, my p-doc confirmed it last night (plus I have a lot of the criteria for BPD but he doesn't want to say I'm BPD).

Basically all the friends I HAD are now gone. I screwed up all my friendships. Do I try to go to them now and explain that I have a REASON why I was such a freaked-out, untrustworthy, lying sack of asshole and try to make amends? Or should I just leave it as it is?

On the one hand I think, "fuck it" on the other, well, I'm very lonely and I think about my old friends all the time. On the other hand I think it would never be the same anyway. PLUS, no matter how much of an asshole I was, these people KNEW I was struggling and suffering and they CHOSE to turn their back on me.

I don't know. Opinions?

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Hey Velveteen. What a catch22!! Either way you are right. I would feel like "you guys walked once. maybe you didn't know what was wrong with me, but you knew something was, and you left anyway". A diagnosis won't make them come back, and really, do you want THEM back? Sounds to me like you need people that sincerely care about you for where you're at now. If the old friends did come back, would you trust their motives?sincerity? Lonliness sucks!!! But settling for something that is going to hurt you sucks worse. I think that I would try to find a support group with other people with PTSD and build from there. At least there, I know I don't always have to explain my behavior, or feelings, I am understood and accepted, and in my opinion, that's what healthy friendships are based on. Good luck.

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Hmmm, this is a hard one to generalize about. I'm constantly feeling like I'm working through some stage or another of the same problem you describe. Every time I swing into a particularly deep depression I push some people too hard and pull too far away from others. Its hard to live life constantly feeling like I'm on the skids with people.

I'd say that the approach really depends on your particular relationship with individuals. Sometimes a time-out on certain relationships can let everyone cool down and let go of smaller issues. Then you can come back to each other later when the events and emotions aren't so complicated anymore. Some people like to resolve things NOW, so I guess an immediate apology for whatever alienated them will go a long way. Maybe some people won't be worth trying to rebuild relationships with for whatever reason and its hard to be OK with that but there's only so much you can do.

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I also have several friends that I've lost contact with. I agree with the other posters that you need to consider seriously whether they really ARE the kind of people you want to resume contact with. In my case one group of people used to use me as the sounding board for all THEIR problems. When I finally cracked and went into my cycle of nuthouse stays and serious medication, they just fell away. It was a very hard thing to face - the fact that they were happy to use me as a free therapist, but didn't want to stay around when I went over the edge.

But I know very well what it's like to be lonely. The other group of friends I lost contact with were lovely and accepted and loved me despite all my craziness. But then things got worse and worse for me and I just stopped keeping in contact with them. Ignoring their calls and so on. They don't even know that I'm back in this country after a brief period living in the States earlier this year, and I've been back for MONTHS. I feel horrible and don't know how to take the first step. I suspect it really is a matter of gritting your teeth and apologising right off. Life is too short to lose special relationships like that. (and I really need to be taking my own advice here!)

Take care,

M

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I finally have a dx. I'm actually happy about it, even if that sounds strange. Because this has been going on for 2+ years I knew it had to be more than just depression! My t-doc suggested it, my p-doc confirmed it last night (plus I have a lot of the criteria for BPD but he doesn't want to say I'm BPD).

Basically all the friends I HAD are now gone. I screwed up all my friendships. Do I try to go to them now and explain that I have a REASON why I was such a freaked-out, untrustworthy, lying sack of asshole and try to make amends? Or should I just leave it as it is?

On the one hand I think, "fuck it" on the other, well, I'm very lonely and I think about my old friends all the time. On the other hand I think it would never be the same anyway. PLUS, no matter how much of an asshole I was, these people KNEW I was struggling and suffering and they CHOSE to turn their back on me.

I don't know. Opinions?

i've only had one friend that i felt it worth tracking back down to explain anything to. he was really receptive and told me he understood more deeply, since he freaked and screwed someone over about a year after i did it to him lol. so we are still friends, but we live so far apart we don't talk much. i'm glad i talked to him though.

most people i realize aren't worth the trouble. so i never worried about it. all the friends i have now i met after my dx and after having worked through most of the therapy crap. so they know that i'm nuts and how and why and when i screw up, we talk about it right away.

seems to me, it's time to find new people who are worth your time ;) i.e. who are probably also nuts! all of my friends are bonkers, s'why we get along so well! we all know one another are a bit out of touch from time to time and that's no big deal.

i found most of my people in the s.c.a. (a club for history geeks) where i already knew they were smart, a bit "off" from "normal" society, and shared a lot of interests with me.

i don't know any places to meet people other than that though lol. i met wifezilla in belly dance class.

abifae

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Hey Velveteen. What a catch22!! Either way you are right. I would feel like "you guys walked once. maybe you didn't know what was wrong with me, but you knew something was, and you left anyway". A diagnosis won't make them come back, and really, do you want THEM back? Sounds to me like you need people that sincerely care about you for where you're at now. If the old friends did come back, would you trust their motives?sincerity? Lonliness sucks!!! But settling for something that is going to hurt you sucks worse. I think that I would try to find a support group with other people with PTSD and build from there. At least there, I know I don't always have to explain my behavior, or feelings, I am understood and accepted, and in my opinion, that's what healthy friendships are based on. Good luck.

The more I think about it, and get opinions about it, it seems I am leaning towards moving on completely and letting the past rest in the past. If I actually met new people and was upfront with them about what is going on (well, not upon first meeting, don't want to drive people immediately away!), then I will know sooner, rather than later, if they want to actually build a friendship with me despite my problems or not.

I think because I'm lonely, I focus too much on what I HAD and how badly I fucked it up. Not that actually these people walked out on me and "good riddance!" KWIM?

Hmmm, this is a hard one to generalize about. I'm constantly feeling like I'm working through some stage or another of the same problem you describe. Every time I swing into a particularly deep depression I push some people too hard and pull too far away from others. Its hard to live life constantly feeling like I'm on the skids with people.

I'd say that the approach really depends on your particular relationship with individuals. Sometimes a time-out on certain relationships can let everyone cool down and let go of smaller issues. Then you can come back to each other later when the events and emotions aren't so complicated anymore. Some people like to resolve things NOW, so I guess an immediate apology for whatever alienated them will go a long way. Maybe some people won't be worth trying to rebuild relationships with for whatever reason and its hard to be OK with that but there's only so much you can do.

It's been a year. I'd say that's enough of a cooling down period. I have been trying to come up with ways to have closure with these people, but I think it's going to hurt worse to dredge the shit up again and apologise AGAIN for the umpteenth time. If they didn't forgive me then, who's to say they'll forgive me now.

I've had some help from my therapist, my boyfriend and you guys and I think it's pretty clear I should move on now.

I also have several friends that I've lost contact with. I agree with the other posters that you need to consider seriously whether they really ARE the kind of people you want to resume contact with. In my case one group of people used to use me as the sounding board for all THEIR problems. When I finally cracked and went into my cycle of nuthouse stays and serious medication, they just fell away. It was a very hard thing to face - the fact that they were happy to use me as a free therapist, but didn't want to stay around when I went over the edge.

But I know very well what it's like to be lonely. The other group of friends I lost contact with were lovely and accepted and loved me despite all my craziness. But then things got worse and worse for me and I just stopped keeping in contact with them. Ignoring their calls and so on. They don't even know that I'm back in this country after a brief period living in the States earlier this year, and I've been back for MONTHS. I feel horrible and don't know how to take the first step. I suspect it really is a matter of gritting your teeth and apologising right off. Life is too short to lose special relationships like that. (and I really need to be taking my own advice here!)

Take care,

M

Ah, I know this feeling a lot! There are SOME people that I simply avoided! They didn't walk away but I just couldn't deal with them at a certain moment. My friend B, God Love Her, she always had a crisis and I was always there for her. When it was my turn though... I don't know, I had the feeling (maybe legit maybe not) that because she was so wrapped up in herself she would just go back to her and her problems. Bad judgement call? I don't know.

What I hate the most is when you contact someone after a while and they say "Why didn't you call me?" Duh. Hello. You have a phone too, asshat!!

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i've only had one friend that i felt it worth tracking back down to explain anything to. he was really receptive and told me he understood more deeply, since he freaked and screwed someone over about a year after i did it to him lol. so we are still friends, but we live so far apart we don't talk much. i'm glad i talked to him though.

most people i realize aren't worth the trouble. so i never worried about it. all the friends i have now i met after my dx and after having worked through most of the therapy crap. so they know that i'm nuts and how and why and when i screw up, we talk about it right away.

seems to me, it's time to find new people who are worth your time :) i.e. who are probably also nuts! all of my friends are bonkers, s'why we get along so well! we all know one another are a bit out of touch from time to time and that's no big deal.

i found most of my people in the s.c.a. (a club for history geeks) where i already knew they were smart, a bit "off" from "normal" society, and shared a lot of interests with me.

i don't know any places to meet people other than that though lol. i met wifezilla in belly dance class.

abifae

I am definitely going to try a little bit harder with "new" friends and make peace with myself about the old ones. I can't undo the past and if they are going to have it hang over my head still... well, I don't want it.

It's true, it's time to realise what/who is worth it and who is not. I'm glad I have you guys to sound off too. After all, you probably know better than any sane person out there. ;)

THANKS for the replies! I feel the pendulum swinging upwards again :cussing:

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I am definitely going to try a little bit harder with "new" friends and make peace with myself about the old ones. I can't undo the past and if they are going to have it hang over my head still... well, I don't want it.

It's true, it's time to realise what/who is worth it and who is not. I'm glad I have you guys to sound off too. After all, you probably know better than any sane person out there. ;)

THANKS for the replies! I feel the pendulum swinging upwards again :)

YAY!

Have a good weekend!

Hugs,

S9

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I am definitely going to try a little bit harder with "new" friends and make peace with myself about the old ones. I can't undo the past and if they are going to have it hang over my head still... well, I don't want it.

It's true, it's time to realise what/who is worth it and who is not. I'm glad I have you guys to sound off too. After all, you probably know better than any sane person out there. ;)

THANKS for the replies! I feel the pendulum swinging upwards again :cussing:

:wtf:

cool! glad you have some bugnuts people to bounce off of :)

abifae

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