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Why can't I keep any fucking friends?


Libby

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Libby,

I don't think there's anything wrong with you.  Honestly, babe.  Personally, I think your so-called friends are rude.  My so-called friends have let me down time and time again and I, for one, will not let them do it anymore.  I will no longer host parties, in which I cook tons of food, only to have no one show up and eat or help clean up afterwards, I will no longer go out of my way to invite anyone over for movie night or any kind of gathering whatsoever.  They claim I have pushed them away because of MY mental problems when all I did was asked for help and understanding.  It sounds like your friends have manner issues.  I would never ditch a friend with a bill, birthday or no birthday.  That's just ignorant.  What the fuck is up their asses???  And the comments about the parade gathering for your birthday?  God!  And your dog?  I own eight cats and if you'd come to me telling me something was wrong with your dog, I wouldn't talk about my cats.  This just pisses me off to no end!  Libby, I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

You can email me, babe and vent all you want.  I most certainly won't judge you, yell at you, or abandon you.  I know I've been a real sour puss lately because I've been dealing with some issues, but I certainly won't turn you away. 

Once again, I know I wished you a belated Happy Birthday somewhere on this board...so I wish you again, another Happy Belated Birthday!

Lots of hugs!

Elizabeth

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Libby,

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you!  From what I know of you, all you have been is nice and caring.  I totally feel some of your pain, though.  I don't really have many close, real friends.... I apparently push everyone away.  I also tend to be a hardcore pushover.  I let myself me trampled on, and then I get really hurt in the process.  Also, a sort of similar thing happened with me on my most recent b-day (October).  No one made a big deal about my birthday... my roomies couldnt even get together to give me a card.  Not that I was ever one of those people who wanted to make a big deal out of my birthday, but it hurts.... there is a lot more to that story, but i will spare you the details.  They all, though, had to make HUGE deals out of their b-days and shit like that.  Some people just suck that way.

It isn't you fault and you certainly did not do anything wrong.  I wish that I had some more positive and supporting word for you, but I myself am having a pretty shitty time.  I just wanted to respond to let you know I care and that you really are a great person!

you know where to find me if ya need anything or just want to bitch...

~Ophelia

 

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Libby, you are not alone!I only have 2 friends who actually arelike gold . Unfortunately, they both live at the opposite ends of the earth of me. I have no friends around. I find every woman I meet to be backtalking, backstabbing, selfish and unreliable or cold and not getting past the aquaintance stage.

It's too bad we don't all live in the same town and could hang out, cause I know I surecould use some friends right now. Wow! I have heard this issue come up again and again on this board. It could almost have it's own board. IMHO. I wish someone could come up with some answers here. I'm lonely too. But at least I ahve you guys! Love and Hugs, Melissa

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And last, the thought that has helped me the most is:  People are not going to behave like I want them to.  Period.  It's a fact of life.  I may have some relationships that are caring and sharing, but eventually everyone will disappoint me in some way. It's just human nature.  If I can just accept that fact it's easier for me to deal with other people, and it doesn't seem so personal.

Oh, sage one, I prostrate before your infinitely wise self.  Right on, sister.

Libby, all I can offer is my sympathy.  I've been socially challenged as long as I can remember and have often asked the same question.  Of course, now I'm armed with a little enlightenment, having researched borderline PD thoroughly enough to understand that I'm not always a nice person to be around, have let people down many times, myself, and why that is.  Also, there have been times when I've latched onto people out of desperation, people who didn't know the meaning of the words "respect" or "compassion".  Being socially anxious I don't make friends easily...being depressed I have little interest in making or keeping friends...  Maybe, if you think about it a while, you'll come to see the reasons for your own difficulties.  Reasons that, I'm sure, can be transcended because you are a likeable person.

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Picking the right friends and keeping them is hard. I don't think one has to be mi to have trouble with this. I'll bet  for a lot of people losing a job for a long time would do it, as others don't necessarily want to associate with someone who is unhappy. Those others are missing out on the chance to help someone, which can be very satisfying, but they prefer not to. Other misfortunes also test who our real friends are.

I certainly don't have a lot of close friends, tho I do have a few long term ones. We have to be willing to forgive friends when they fuck up now and then, tho some of the things you describe seem to go past that point.

Though I think it's possible to have very good friends who don't read social signals very well, most people expect this. With our mi issues, we can't always read people very well and pick up all that unspoken stuff. Here it's simpler, although of course there are still lots of things implicit in what we write. As I get older, and particularly since taking Adderall, I'm better at this, but the signal I get most is "no chemistry". (I've been dating.)

Another thing with friends is that we have to know them well enough to predict and forgive their weaknesses in advance. One friend may be totally devoted but capable of gauche and embarassing behavior in front of others. Another may be very sophisticated but prone to episodes of pissiness. Another may always make grand plans that don't come to anything. I suspect your friend who helped you clean has some issue getting in the way. It's unlikely she'd help you clean if she didn't like you a lot.

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Libby,

I don't know what I can say that will add anything to the excellent responses already posted. I don't make friends easily or quickly so I tend to be pretty forgiving of some of the stoopid things they do from time to time. Some of what I've learned to accept and live with are personality quirks, forgetting or not acknowledging birthdays and holidays, infrequent contact and so forth. I'm not exactly innocent of the very same complaints.

But no way in hell would I wait at a restaurant for an hour! I would have left well before that, mad, hurt, sensitive, rejected. But Gone dammit. That wasn't inconsiderate, it was downright mean.

Sometimes I call my friends and flat out tell them what I need from them. Hey, I'm lonely, can we get together for dinner? Or whatever. Most people's lives are rushed and busy and overburdened. As a society and as individuals, we have lost a lot of the courtesy and thoughtfulness that used to be standard behavior. It's just the way life is now.

The older I get the harder it is for me to go to all the effort it takes to make a new friend. Being introverted, solitary and depressed doesn't help much either.

Whatever it is, it's not because you're unlikeable. I like you a lot. Getting along with people is hard.

Greeny

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Basically, I was a total doormat, being grateful that someone would "let" me hang around them.  I am turning that corner, and will no longer be anybody's doormat.  Unfortunately, it's costing me friendships, but it seems to me that a "friend" who is incapable of compassion or understanding isn't much of a friend in the first place.

This could be a big part of what's going on. Whether we like it or not, whether it's in friendships or intimate relationships, we seem to end up with a role to play. So maybe your friends don't even see their part in all of this, but they definitely see that you are not the same Libby they are used to. If you've stopped playing the doormat, then the terms of the friendship have changed. They haven't changed but you have and they haven't caught up to the new you. They may ultimately be able to make the transition to a new kind of more balanced friendship, or they may not.

And by the way, bravo to you for shedding the doormat persona. I'm a pretty late bloomer in that area, too. And I lost some friends. At this point, though, I'd rather spend time by myself than with friends for whom me being doormat of the year is the price of friendship.

Greeny

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Lesbian bitches!  Smirk.
In my experience with lesbians...I'm bisexual, btw...lesbians can be extremely bitchy!  My friend, who is a lesbian, and getting her PHD in child psychology, will absolutely agree with me on this subject.  Her ex's are probably the biggest bitches alive!  *shrugs shoulders*  My other best friend, who is gay and is friends with lesbians will totally agree too.  I wonder if it's all the raging hormones women have?  I have no clue.

My history is that I have been WAY TOO forgiving of friends.  Basically, I was a total doormat, being grateful that someone would "let" me hang around them.  I am turning that corner, and will no longer be anybody's doormat.

Good for you!  I realize this will be hard for you...but I had to do it too.  You've got to think of yourself and your health.  People that walk all over you drain you and it's not healthy for you.  I know having someone to hang out with or talk to when you need someone in person is vital at times, but down the road, you'll thank yourself for not putting yourself in another horrible situation like this again.  I've had to do that with my own sister and I miss her more than you can imagine.  We even share a duplex together! 

You've got friends on here that are more supportive and won't turn you away when you're in need.  Remember that, Libby. ;)

Hugs,

Elizabeth

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This could be a big part of what's going on. Whether we like it or not, whether it's in friendships or intimate relationships, we seem to end up with a role to play. So maybe your friends don't even see their part in all of this, but they definitely see that you are not the same Libby they are used to. If you've stopped playing the doormat, then the terms of the friendship have changed. They haven't changed but you have and they haven't caught up to the new you. They may ultimately be able to make the transition to a new kind of more balanced friendship, or they may not.
Damn, you're insightful, Greeny!
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Ack!  I said that all wrong.  I guess what I mean, is the constant bickering, fighting, the....were you looking at her????  I don't know.  It just seems like all the lesbians I've been around (maybe it's in the PA water), they're just...whiny, PMS, hormonal bitchy.  You know, when you're about to get your period, and you're all out of sorts...that kind of bitchy.  Could be Pennsylvania?  I dunno.  And as for the whole bisexual thing...I'm a total bitch whether I'm dating a girl or a guy.  *laughs*  My ex-husband used to say my name was "IsaBitch" instead of Elizabeth.  And that is why I live alone...can't live with anyone.  I'm too mean to live with.  My cats would prolly tell you this...but they love me no matter what kind of mood I'm in.

Sorry about the whole misunderstanding.  Hope I didn't offend you.  I tend to do that sometimes.  I need to watch what I say.

Hugs,

Elizabeth

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The thing with friends that I've found out is, you really have to dig through a lot of shit to find the gems. And when you do, you have to hang on to em.

And you have to be the kind of friend you want.  Best.  Lesson.  Ever.  That I've learned.  I'm constantly asking myself, "Would I want to know me?  Would I want to be friends with me?"  This has helped me gain more insight into my behavior than anything.

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Hi Libby:

  I am one of those asshole friends you used to have.  But you're wrong. I am still here. We just had a misunderstanding. I still care about you, and about Jose. I was sick then and couldn't help you guys. I am better now, but if you want my help, and I will help you, we need to set up some boundaries.

  I suck at boundaries, but I'm learning. This is part of MY illness. And when I go out and try and make them, well I sound all harsh. I don't mean to. I am not a jerk. You just caught me in between meds and I was really bad off then. Boy was I bad off. I was a jerk to everyone. Ask old Hubby here.

  I thought about you when you turned 50. I am turning 50 later this year. I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday on your birthday thread, but I didn't think you would want to hear from me. So I stayed quiet.

  I think you are a good friend Libby. And I know you feel I let you down, but I had to do what I did for me. And I don't know if you will understand that or let me be your friend again for fear of getting hurt again. And I will understand that. But I have read every word here, and I just wanted you to know, you are not a jerk or a bad friend. Those "friends" in the bar were jerks. I would have been at the bar making new friends. Screw them, let them find their own table. Margaritas for the new friends! But that's me. And I am sorry I hurt you, there was just no other way for Boundary Retardo to express herself. I am really really sorry.

So - I wouldn't blame you if you ignore this post, but I am hoping that we can start to be friends again. Because it wasn't because of "you" that I did what I did. It was because of me. I hope you can understand that.

  Anyway, you are a good friend to the friends you have.  I just want everyone to know that.

breeze

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Guest PinkToo2grrl

BTW, I am a lesbian, and I am not bitchy, but I may be considered a bitch because I don't bother too much with people and trying to make friends.  I have found most people are idiots and self-focused, and way too much work, so I have very few friends, but the ones I have are quality. 

I say those people who left you in the restaurant were in no way friends, and screw them. 

IMHO YMMV

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