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Feeling Outright Mean Towards New Friend


Loon-A-TiK

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hiya-

this will sound so mean, but i'll confess it here. i met a lower-functioning schizoaffective person at the pdoc, and he wanted to go out with me but i declined, and then he asked me if we could do something as friends. i figured, hey, why not, i'll do my good deed for the day, so i gave him my number and said we could get together ON THE WEEKEND.

this was a couple of weeks ago. before the weekend he was calling me daily, sometimes twice a day. i have a verizon cell phone and so does he so our minutes are free, but he doesn't realize that so i get off the phone by claiming it will cost me minutes.

the weekend came and i just couldn't do it, i couldn't deal with him, so i called him and claimed to be too depressed to go out anywhere.

the next week came, and the calling continued. i got pissed off and wasn't mean at all, but told him my minutes would go up and i'd have to pay for them.

we went out for lunch on saturday. then he lived right by my dad's house, so i had some ptsd moments, and i won't be going near his house again...

so, now it is the same pattern. he keeps calling me! i'm about to stop returning his calls or just yell at him. i know he doesn't mean to be annoying, but it is really annoying.

HELP!

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Sometimes callers forget that there's this two-way connection that needs to be made with the phone. I leave mine on silent a lot, and don't realize it when people call. It's sorta like if you didn't have a cell, and people would have to wait to get a call back.

I try to only call people once or twice in the day, get it all done and over with. If you want to call me, and I'm not busy, fine, I'll answer.

A lot of my friends and other people are a little upset with it, but I figure it's my life they're interrupting. So I can choose if they interrupt it or not.

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i don't mind the weekend lunch thing, because i do think he's a nice person and i want to be nice, but it is the calling that is driving me insane. i don't know how to stop his calling. i've told him 100 times not to call me except on wednesday and we can talk to a little on wednesday, but i get several calls a day on all days!

he usually uses the page funciton, so telling me to call him back.

i don't call him back!

i think i need to reinforce it with him on saturday that he cannot call me except on wednesday, or he won't be able to call me at all.

what do you think?

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Loon, I think you are very sweet, and meant well. But if read over post 1 it gives big clues to how you truly feel.

I am not good one with the quotes, and sometimes i think they suck, like if you want to get rid of your post, i have no right to be hanging on to your very deep thoughts, just my feelings.

Anyway, you said you thought you were doing your good deed.

Now not to be harsh but just think if even just as friend thing, someone thought that of you for anything to go hang out etc with you, well i know I would not like to be thought of someones good deed.

It really isn't such a good deed for them.

And he apparently quite obviously has different feelings.

I say for a truly good deed to all involved put an end to it all, before anybody gets hurt worse than they already are, or could be, in maybe different ways.

Not to worry you, but this just isn't going to end up anywhere good, so just end it.

Quickly and as mercifully as possible.

Remember all of life is a learning process, if not learning we are dead.

Luv, Aly

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I suggest telling him once, clearly, and explaining that if he calls you outside of those terms you will cease to talk to him. If he violates your terms, cut contact with him *entirely.* That's the best way to handle someone who won't stop calling you. If you cut contact with him but don't stick to it, that prolongs the amount of time he'll spend bothering you, because it sends the message that you don't really mean no when you say no.

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Loon,

You set yourself up for this.

When a guy asks you out, and you don't say NO, then you haven't said NO. There is no such thing as "just being friends" with someone you just met.

You need to be upfront, honest and tell him you aren't interested in seeing him. Then don't. And tell him you don't want anymore calls, then don't answer them if he does call.

I know you girls don't want to hurt guys feelings, but if you aren't real clear about not being interested, it comes across as playing hard to get.

a.m.

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aly- my feelings on it are mixed, as you can tell. i personally don't get anything out of our relationship. i find that i listen and he's even told me that i'd be a good tdoc- because that's all i do, listen. i look at it as the least i can do for someone who doesn't have any friends because he can't function too well.

noemie- this is another good option. besides deciding not to talk to him at all anymore because it either is wrong on my part to consider it charity or because it gives him the wrong idea, there needs to be boundaries on calls and things like that.

AM- he's always putting in there "we're doing this as friends", or "let's go to the movies as friends". so i don't know if he has the hint or what. i've told him i'm not interested.

ahhhhhhhh..........i don't know what to do about it. as AM says, girls feel bad hurting a guy's feelings. i don't want him to have hurt feelings for any reason- not because a friend dumps him or because he feels rejected, once again, for his functional level. i feel bad because he says no one is his friend and no one cares about him.

i guess i want him to know i care, but i also want to extract myself from a situation that i don't like. i do not have a problem with talking briefly on wednesday and doing lunch or something on saturday (as long as i've recovered from the night before).

all good points- and a lot to think about , huh? maybe i need a beer! lol

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This is, after the cost, the very reason I don't have a cell. I don't wan't to be available all the time. No answering machine either, heh. And when I'm online? Sorry bub. If you're real nice maybe you get my email addy. I don't understand you folks and these "cell phone" thingies...

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It sounds a little bit like he's stalking you in a way.

I once had someone who kept sending me text messages, usually at the most inappropriate time of night and it would wake me up. I tried to just be "nice" at first, and reply them in the morning, and trying to say as nicely as possible not to text me at night but in the daytime it's ok. But one time I got so pissed off I text him back and said something to the effect of "I'm not interested". I never heard from him again. I thought wow, that was easy, why didn't I say this before.

I sympathise with this friend you have, he sounds lonely, I've been there (and still am at times) but you have to look after No. 1. If you get annoyed by this guy and if you've made the conditions of your friendship clear (as it sounds like you have) and he still is inconsiderate, then I'd cut off contact altogether, especially if you don't get anything out of the relationship. It's not selfish.

There's no point in having people in your life who make you feel bad. Surround yourself only with people who make you feel good.

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good plans everyone!

crazynotstupid- my mom INSISTS i have a cell phone "for emergencies". she doesn't have a computer so i can understand her wanting me to have a phone. i also go out and need it for my own emergencies, like last night when my cab stood me up and i didn't have my phone on me to call them back. (i had to find a payphone- crap!).

AJ- i don't think he knows he's stalking me. i think he just thinks in his mind 'oh, someone to hang out with!'. whenever i tell him to call only on wednesday, he asks me if i don't want to hang out with him anymore or something. i'm about to say that i don't want to hang out with him anymore pretty soon here!

LIbby- very good suggestion. i'll do that.

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