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Oh...I can feel it coming on again. When I was young, I could choose between depression or madness by dropping acid which cheered me up for days or weeks. Not so much has changed. I can say I'd prefer catatonic psychosis to preferring death. A few months ago I read some posts that made me feel like a whining pansy (again). I've never been abused (although loved ones have which made me more crazy). But still it goes on. This is just how God made me... in his infinite [string of explatives deleted]

When is it worthwhile? I bust my ass to succeed in life and I do. I've got all the things you're supposed to get: the degree, the job, the girl (that last one is why I'm still here)...the ultimate insult of my disease is robbing me of the feeling of reward of my successes..of resenting having loved ones which force me to live out of guilt of hurting them through suicide; is guilt a reason to live? Really drives home the point that it doesn't matter. If I spend more than 50% of my life wishing I were dead?..... Is trying to prevent someone from dying against his will less wrong than trying to prevent someone from living against his will? "it's the disease talking"...... Fuck ... I AM the disease. the disease IS me...I have been displaced..... we are our brains....36 years and scores of meds.... All I do is take pills, pretend to be well and complain to the only people who understand. And I feel like an annoying pussy for doing so. If it's any consolation, I annoy me more than I annoy you. There is nothing you can say to help and I'd feel guilty for your sympathy. I hate feeling so powerless. I hate whining. I hate the fact that I buy my own bullshit and carry on in spite of all this because what else is there? I feel like a slave to life.....Is life so precious? Who gets to define it? Not the one who's living it?? I didn't exist for 14 billion years and it was no tragedy; no one passed judgment on a condition over which I had no choice. I hate that I feel coerced to stay here..When do we get to have a say? I hate that it matters. I hate that I hate.

My purpose for living is to increase the quality of life for my Julie; my only success or happiness that I feel is by proxy...... my ability to make her happy, I don't feel it myself. but it's enough. I think she knows so. Doesn't stop me from resenting it. Got myself in a catch 22. Guess I'm glad. Am I glad?? Is it fair? to her? to me?

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Funny you should mention "fair". I just had that conversation with my partner yesterday and told him that I didn't think it was fair to make him live with all of my weirdness.

Guess what? When you start asking questions like that, IT'S THE DISEASE TALKING. Tell it to shut the fuck up. It's so selfish it won't even let you appreciate the good in your life. It's an evil bastard like that.

What my darling man told me in response was that the choice was his and my weirdness made me special and unique and he would never change me. He does find it hard to watch me hurt myself and meltdown, but his wonderful cure for those things is to pull me into bed and hold me until I chill out. If that doesn't work, he calls the doc and shuffles me to the surgery and talks for me if I can't.

If you have someone that loves you despite all your many coloured ways of madness... you are luckier than anyone normal. Spoil that woman rotten.

Put your feet up... do something nice for yourself... take deep breaths.

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Yep. I hear you.

In the end its what Roosle said. You feel like shit because you feel like shit. You aren't getting the right treatment.

Looks like you've tried a lot of meds, most of which are NOT appropriate for bipolar. So you can't really count them as being failures or non/effective, since we wouldn't expect them to be effective. I'd be curious to know your experience with lithium and why you dropped it.

Feeling this crappy you probably need a wholesale attack:

250mg of Lamictal is only a somewhat above middle level dosing. Lamictal alone is not the strongest of mood stabilizers, though it is a help with depression. There are still a number of meds that can be added to get bring you up and make life smooth again. Are you telling your pdoc exactly how bad you feel? Don't sugar coat it, don't minimize things. You need to make him understand how miserable you are and that you need progress.

Second, are you seeing a therapist? Just having someone to bitch at and give a few perspectives can help you get thru the low patches while working on the meds. You self describe as ptsd, have you worked on that at all?

hope you feel better, a.m.

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bxt227us, it is really your disease talking and not what is going on under it. under your disease you're a totally normal, easy-going person who can roll with the punches and take it in stride. read the thread here about how you feel when you're normal to get an idea of the way you could feel and are supposed to feel.

as AM pointed out, what bipolar meds are you on? usually we take an anti-depressant, mood stabilizer (you do have a moderate dose of lamictal), and sometimes an atypical antipsychotic. what is going on with your cocktail?

you should talk to your pdoc about your symptoms and see if you can get your meds reviewed. they should at least be looked at. i'm not a pdoc so my word is only the word of a girl with a BA in Econ, but i think it is worth discussing.

also, of concern is the tdoc issue. you need a tdoc, if you don't already have one, get one.

you should never have to feel like this, but i have to tell you, i commend you for living for something, even if it is not yourself. my dad committed suicide and will never know the trauma he caused me. i wish that he would have at least lived for me (or the man on the moon or whoever!). i sometimes sit there, ready to end it all, and i think of how i felt when i found my dad on the floor, and i feel right then that i could never make anyone feel like i felt/feel. i could never do that to someone i love. so i'm commending you for carrying it through, if not for yourself then for someone.

and you can't be the best person and partner you can be without the best treatment you can get. so get going and get the treatment, and you'll almost feel normal, and in a few months hopefully this rant will seem like trash to you!


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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi. Thanks for listening and replying. I seem to write a post more or less just like that one about three or four times a year.

I went off Lithium because it made me too retarded to do my job. The Lamictal does help greatly with mind-noise and anxiety. I think my dose is good; I'm a tiny guy.

I talked to my doc and he put me on Geodon. Depression evaporated! ;) He's got me on one dose a day for starters. I feel well but a little drugged then around 4:00 pm I get a little crazy i.e "the master of all that makes my mind run at 40mph...in first gear!" ....Agitation, sweaty, must get A, B, C done before imaginary clock runs out. I think the wearing-off is the problem. I'm going to drop a note off at my doc's tomorrow (phone is always busy and he's on the way to work). I am hopefull an adjustment in dosing schedule/total dose will help. I seem to remember saying about 6 months or so ago that I'm not a one drug man (only Lamictal).

I'm glad it seems I'm not the only one who thinks that whoever said "you have to love yourself before you can love someone else" may not have known what love can be, or can overcome. It complicates the little things but my marriage remains healthy.

thanks again

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