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for chr*st's sake already


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so does alternating between crying my eyes out, and feeling overwhelming rage accompanied by the desire to choke the living shit out of someone, every 10 mins or so qualify as "rapid cycling?"

i hate this being crazy shit

my current dx is MDD + social phobia

;)

but then my pdoc keeps asking ME if i am ADD.

oh and she thinks i may be somewhere on the bp spectrum. yeah that's helpful.

always been told i was moody.

didn't respond to litium.

depakote seems to help but way down hill last few weeks.

maybe seasonal

yeah.

been told i have SAD

been told i have "irritable depresion", borderline personality, BP-1 (back in 88, but lithium didnt help so they said no, i guess not that)

god i am tired of this.

not knowing where my brain is gonna take me on any given day and if i am gonna lose my job when i have a mortgage to pay because i flipped out on my boss. again. then feeling guilt, remorse.

fuck this shit.

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Aw Pinky I'm sorry you feel so shitty.

When I was rapid cycling on Effexor I had those feelings but alternated with a fairly pleasant hypomania. So I was crying one minute and laughing the next.

So I can't answer, not sure.

I know you are sleep deprived as well.

When are you seeing pdoc next?

XO

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yeah, pdoc, well, she seems to be trying to give me the bums ruch because she dropped my insurance, and offered a "reduced rate" $85/30 mins rather than $120 and doesn't seem to want to waste her time on the likes of me.

yeah that feels real good.

tdoc dropped the carrier too. i am out here on a limb, and i gotta start ALL over again, so it's gonna be a whole new barrage of incompetence and misunderstanding.

blah blah blah

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Sorry to hear about the insurance Hoopla. It's such a pain in the ass.

Is there anything going on in your relationships or extra stress in your life? Cause in my opinion that can cause intense emotions sometimes...especially anger.

Just a thought.

Hang in there.

Not everyone's symptoms fit into a classic diagnosis...sometimes labels just don't work for certain individual or as one's life circumstances change.

But you ARE valid and worth the time of a pdoc....so I hope you can find some good treatment.

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Is there anything going on in your relationships or extra stress in your life?

frustrated with my job, but

chicken vs. egg?

it's the being all over the place that's killin me softly.

i think FALL has a lot to do with this.

fall used to always be my favorite season

but, i never used to pay attention to the descent into the pit that comes hand in hand with it.

but's it's all haywire channel, all the time till i get to the pits of deep winter.

gah.

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Mood changes that happen so frequently during the day are referred to as ULTRA-rapid or ultradian cycling. I've experienced it myself, and yes it definitely can be linked to a BP dx. It's very hard on your body and mind. As far as the need to choke someone goes, I've also experienced that kind of extreme agitation and rage. Manic periods aren't necessarily all about over the top happiness; they can be about over the top anger. Obviously you know that we can't dx you, but it really sounds as though the BP thing is something to consider.

Do you have any idea at all as to when you might see a new pdoc? I'm not nagging, just very concerned for you. I know it's really shitty to start all over again with someone new, but it might just be a good thing, in that your symptoms will be looked at by a different pair of eyes. Someone who doesn't have preconceptions, and hopefully doesn't ask you things like "do you have ADD" without actually doing some proper exploring and evaluation.

Your lack of sleep is a huge problem. I'm not at all surprised that you're cracking. Desperate times, desperate measures - would your GP be able to help you with this until you find a pdoc?

Take care of yourself Pinky

Mxxx

PS I honestly don't see why they would have told you that no reaction to lithium = no bipolar dx. Meds work differently for different people. YMMV and all that.

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i'm going to go out there and suggest that it is possible, and you need to discuss this with your loving pdoc and not with an girl wtih a BA, but it sounds like you could be having either a rapid-cycling bipolar experience, or a mixed episode bipolar experience.

mania, or hypomania, can take the form of anxiety, rage, and agitation, as well as the classic "happy" manias. many bp sufferers never have a happy mania in their lives.

mixed episodes are when you can suffer either from such quickly alternating episode types that you can't really tell the difference, or when they occur at the same time. this could be your problem.

just because you haven't responded to some classic bipolar drugs doesn't mean you're not bipolar. it just means those meds weren't for you. there are lots out there. i've tried every mood stabilizer known to human kind, and only lamictal (and lithium, but i can't have lithium) helps. if lamictal stops helping then it is really to teh drawing board for me, but i hope to keep it forever, because it is the most important drug in my cocktail!

wellbutrin and paxil both should be easy on rapid-cycling and have a reputation for not agitating it. i used to be on both wtih my lamictal and at the time seroquel, and i never went into mania from it (i get happy mania usually, classic bp1).

i'm sorry you have to find someone else now who will take your insurance, someone you don't have a relationship with who knows your history. you're going to have to tell the new therapist everything- that sucks.

best of luck!

loon

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thanks ... that just doesn't sound like enough ... but i mean it.

i know i gotta go do the professional thing, get a new pdoc, no one here can gimme a dx, least of all me. it's just so frustrating to have had all these different dxes from all these different docs, and i'm still crazy, after all this trying, and meds, and i get to the point where i am on the edge looking into the abyss, and i just need a glimmer of hope that maybe what i am going through maybe sounds like something, so that maybe one day, i can get some help and not wind up so miserable time and time again.

i was going along fine for quite some time.

and then bam.

here i am

in a matter of weeks it seems.

i wish i had the money to go get my brain scanned, or photographed, or mri's or whatever it is they do that shows where your malfunction lives.

that would be nice. maybe a clue.

or even a happy mania.

nope i have never had one of those.

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PinkyPink, I said this in your thread, but I'll say it again, at the risk of annoying you, because I care about you enough to annoy you.

Call your old pdoc. Leave a msg. asking for advice on the phone.

You don't have to make an appt with a new pdoc and all of that right this minute. You could just leave a message with old pdoc, stating your symptoms and asking if you could try increasing your depakote. You could also say that you just can't afford to come in right now, since you just bought a house, and your job is at risk because of this, and ask if she could please advise you.

Do it. Please.

To possibly give you some motivation, I'm gonna go call a bill collector back. Believe me, it freaks me out. But I'm gonna go do it right now. eta: OK< I did it. I hated it, but I did it. I called two of them. Bastards.

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yes, it's DAMN frustrating not to be fixed on a dx. I went from ADD to GAD to MDD to downright nasty drug addict (in the eyes of the doctors that is, before they figured out that getting clean wouldn't solve all my probs). I think borderline was vaguely toyed with somewhere in there because of my SI. Anyway, it took a while and lots of agony for me to find a pdoc who could hit on the right dx. Hearing that I was BP (way too many acronyms in this post) was the first time something finally made sense.

So I completely see where you're coming from Pinky.

xxx

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The episodes you're describing sound like me when I'm in a nasty mixed episode. Mixed episodes suck ass. The rage and then the remorse. Yeah. Going from being fine one minute, then to bawling and feeling like I can't hold on even one more minute just a few seconds later.

I was diagnosed for years as having depression, mostly because of the crying episodes (some random, and some from guilt from the irrational rages) and the truly depressed episodes that I do have. They chalked the rages up to being irritable from the depression. I was finally diagnosed with BP-II and it was like "A-HA!" BTW, lithium didn't work for me, either.

Oh, and I hate fall too. I dread winter coming. Please just let it be summer all year.

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A good pdoc will treat symptoms and place secondary importance on figuring out the dx. Regardless of the dx, I expect you'll end up on some kind of sedating AP to break the mania and an AC, topamax or something, as a prophylactic measure.

A DSM diagnosis is really just a metaphor for a physical brain state anyway. They don't mean a whole hell of a lot.

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I am with Elvis all the way--Ihave recently decided that whatever some "professional" chooses to call my fuck-up brain chemistry doen't matter at all to me. (As long as ins. will pay for it)

What matters to me is being able to function, in a sembelence of a sane person, day to day. I'm close to that, with the increase in Adderall (cause they decided I am ADD, which makes sense--) But even that doesnt matter, altho it shed great light on my recreational drug use/self-medication patterns of the past.

I just want to find the right meds to keep those brain chemicals and synapses doing what they are supposed to do. I want to be able to sleep, wake up and actually be motivated to be a productive citizen (however, I do NOT want to be so fuckin manic I go on mini-spending sprees, like yesterday, when I chased the Aderall with a large iced Starbuck with 2 shots--NOT GOOD-- BAD--spent money on silly things, drove down the beach for hours, etc)

So--maybe I am BPII, or ADD, or just depressed, or GAD, or have social phobia, or whatever the fuck is the diagnosis d'jour--I don't give a shit.

I just want meds that work. Let Blue Cross sort it out--

china

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yeah, i get that. and really it's the bottom line of the thing. fuck what its called, as long as i feel better

it's the not feeling better after all these years that makes me yearn for some kind of identification of a problem that might point in the right direction to actually fixing it finally.

i know i cant keep living like this. i mean. i need to hold a job more than 3 years, and it would be nice to not be having flip-outs like this at 75 (if i make it that long)

blah.

light at the end of the tunnel is what it means to me right now.

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Think of all of us in the old folks home, at about 90--lots of tattoos, piercings, weird names, wearing jeans and inappropriate tee shirts,and most of us still batshit crazy. Our grandchildren are straight as arrows, named Mary and John, dress in Ivy League stuff, and hate to come to see us, cause we keep playing all that "stupid " music--Beatles, Ramones, U2, Doors, both Dylans, BlackEyes Peas, Beastie Boys. So their kids are even afraid of great grandma, cause she "looks funny and acts weirdand her music stinks".

Ah, the future--what fun it is to look forward to that, huh?

china

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