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It's hard to say this


danna101

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My mom is really awful sometimes.

Sometimes she's a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a friend (if a bossy one).

Then other times she's just awful. For no reason she'll turn on me. Suddenly she's impatient and says hurtful things. She blames me for my problems.

I guess I just shouldn't confide in her. But I always make the same mistake...I become close to her and then she hurts me. This happens every damn time.

Sometimes I really just hate her. I don't understand why she's so inconsistent in her behavior towards me.

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Oh I'm sorry, danna. It must be so hard to deal with that kind of inconsistency from her. It sounds like your mom can be a real jerk. (No offense, I think we're all jerks sometimes, to varying degrees.)

I don't think you really hate her, though you might feel like you do. I think you are justifiably hurt and upset and angry. Maybe it is not a matter of never confiding her, but picking and choosing your confidences. You know better than anything what might just annoy you and what would really sting if used as ammunition, know what I mean? Since she's your mom, you're pretty much stuck with her, but you don't have to let yourself be treated badly, either.

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My mom is really awful sometimes.

Sometimes she's a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a friend (if a bossy one).

Then other times she's just awful. For no reason she'll turn on me. Suddenly she's impatient and says hurtful things. She blames me for my problems.

I guess I just shouldn't confide in her. But I always make the same mistake...I become close to her and then she hurts me. This happens every damn time.

Sometimes I really just hate her. I don't understand why she's so inconsistent in her behavior towards me.

Danna,

This may seem like silly advice, but, sometimes parents simply don't have the best communication skills and can really be hurtful because of it. If she turns on you for no reason, then it sounds like she may have some kind of emotional problem. The best thing to do, and I know that this is impossible for some of us, but the best thing to do is to stay calm, or at least appear to be calm. I sometimes go into work mode and treat over-reactive people as if they are tantruming children.

Remind her that you came to her about the immediate problem at hand and that maybe once the problem is dealt with you can go back and reflect on the cause and try to think of ways to prevent it from reoccurring, but going into that now does not help to solve the problem at hand.

maybe if you try to get her out of venting mode and into productive mode that would help. Tell her that right now you need someone to listen to you and offer you support; maybe give you advice on how to solve the problem. But, whatever is done cannot be undone and unless she is offering you solutions or support, she is not helping your situation. If she says hurtful things and gets emotional, it might help to tell her that you cannot have this discussion while she is this upset/ calling names/ in this type of mood/ etc. But, that you are willing to discuss it after she has calmed down.

That's how I usually handle it when my boyfriend goes whacko.

I don't know if any of this helped. It's difficult to give advice when I don't know the specifics of your situation.

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  • 3 months later...

My mom is really awful sometimes.

Sometimes she's a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a friend (if a bossy one).

Then other times she's just awful. For no reason she'll turn on me. Suddenly she's impatient and says hurtful things. She blames me for my problems.

I guess I just shouldn't confide in her. But I always make the same mistake...I become close to her and then she hurts me. This happens every damn time.

Sometimes I really just hate her. I don't understand why she's so inconsistent in her behavior towards me.

I just replied one of your other posts, and again I find a big similarity here. My mother is/was similar to yours. Very inconsistent, turning on you for absolutely no reason (other than her having a bad day, and probably a MI). Mine was a proper mother to my other siblings, but I was the scapegoat for whenever she had emotional problems, the only one that was rejected, criticised, ridiculed, etc. by her, she was cold and unfeeling towards me a lot of the time, sometimes just downright mean and hurtful.

I don't know how old you are, but over time I have learnt to just distance myself from her. It's a form of self protection I always say. You don't have to put up with her crap and inconsistency. Remember you are NOT to blame, it's not your fault how she treats you, it's not anything you have done. You DESERVE BETTER girl!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I agree that distancing yourself is a good idea, if possible. My mother and I tend to get on much better when we only see each other infrequently as opposed to every day, with the added bonus that it's easier to just hang up the phone if she's being difficult as opposed to having to stay away from the house. You have to look after yourself first and foremost. It may well not be your mother's fault that she is unstable, but it's definitely not yours either and you don't have to bear the brunt of it.

Have you tried talking to her about how inconsistent she is and how much that hurts you? It helped with my mother, not because she stopped it but because it meant I could say if she was behaving inappropriately and just say I didn't want to be in that situation and then walk away. If it hasn't worked then you just have to keep telling yourself it's not your fault and let it wash over you (it's effing difficult, I know). Don't let her behaviour weigh you down.

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Mine is very much of the extreme case which though I am only finding out.

For I too always ran to my Mom, and always wanted my Mom.

I mean isn't that only natural between a mother and daughter?

And I was always the forgiving one, and making up the excuses, going along with hers.

Because every girl wants and needs her mom.

I will tell you putting a good 600 or so miles between us for many years and just being on the phone did help.

When moved back home after big family tragedy at her request, that was the big breakdown, and what I guess was breakthrough in therapy too.

Before I was really kept myself in dark.

Now I am again a good 600 miles or so away, and in therapy, and really dealing, working with it all.

All, I can say, if things make you feel really bad, more than just a little tense, listen to your gut as they always say.

If you come home after being around her, and you can't relax for like the whole night, can't sleep, have strange dreams, like night terrors, sweats with them, next day feel spacey, there is something really seriously wrong.

If just bit tense, angry, well that is family for you.

Then you do need to just find other outlet to talk with.

And set some healthy boundaries with mom.

Hope it all works out.

Aly

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