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i don't know what i'm doing...


Ophelia

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After about almost 25 days, I cut again.... many and badly. this happened wednesday. i didnt wite because i was too ashamed, but i guess that i feel the need to get it out somehow. I don;t know. I dont know how to fight this in myslef. I have helped people with their problems, but i just cannot deal with mine. i guess you can say that i am a "do as i say and not as i do" type person.

It has been about 7 years that i have been slashing myself.... i dont know what to do. no, i am not in therapy now, but, at least in the past, some therapy just made me feel worse about myself and... yeah.

i dont know i feel like i have tried so much.... i just cant get the things that i understand intellectually go into actual practice. it is a problem.

i'm sorry. i guess that i just needed to vent. sorry.... really

~Ophelia~

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Opie, no need to be ashamed. It's not something you can help or control right now.

You made it 25 days this time. Good for you! That's an accomplishment in itself.

I know you've tried therapy before and didn't like it, but I urge you to try again. There are great t-docs out there. You just have to keep trying to find the right one. I know it's a daunting task, but the rewards are many. You really can be better and feel better.

If you could put the things you know intellectually into practice all by yourself with no help, well you'd be the only one on here who could. We all need help. This is something you CAN overcome. You just can't do it alone.

Be safe,

Croix

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Hey now. If I could strike one word from your vocabulary, it would be "sorry." What are you sorry for? That you're human? That you aren't perfect and make mistakes? That you're struggling along with the rest of us? That you are consuming oxygen that you have every right to? There is NOTHING- and let me repeat this- NOTHING for you to be sorry for.

You made a mistake. For almost 25 days, you didn't. So you're going to fixate on 1 out of 25? If you lost a buck, would you just throw away the other 24 because why bother with them, you're missing a dollar? Hell no. Celebrate your 25 days. You lost one. So start again and celebrate each of those. EVERY day is a victory, each and every one that you get through without cutting. EACH day deserves its own celebration of your strength. And if you screw up? You get a new day to start again.

It is a learning process. You know this, Opie! It's more than just not cutting, it's learning to deal with what compels us to cut in healthy and productive ways. You are being too hard on yourself. 7 years of cutting? Not quite. I know you've got 25 days out of those 7 years when you didn't cut, and that's reason for hope, and it's proof that you can do this. And I'm sure if you think about it, you've got other days to add to that list out of those 7 years, and each of those days counts, too.

I'm not sure if you're the one who recommended this to me, actually- but have you ever tried "Understanding Self Injury: A Workbook for Adults"? You can use it on your own without a tdoc. I found it helpful, maybe something else to try?

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ophelia,

i agree with the above. 25 days is a victory. focus on that, not the cutting.

stopping cutting is hard. when things get to be too much and the pain just has no where to go, it's hard not to cut. those 25 days are something to be very proud of.

i wish there was something i could say to take away your guilt.

wish i could take away the pain that makes you want to cut.

know that i understand. that i've been there. that i still have urges when shit gets bad. you aren't weak, you're struggling with something really hard, and it's not something you can just turn to most people for help with because of the shame and fear they won't understand. it's hard.

much love sweetie.

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all your replies and support mean a lot to mean... more than you will ever know... thank you.

i don't know what to do. i mean, i am spiraling downward... the cutting is just telling of what is going on inside... and i feel that i really have nowhere to turn. like, i can't even really open up to some of my friends bc they either have their own shit going on or really just aren't capable of dealing with stuff that goes along with... well... me. and that sort of hurts. i am not making much sense really and i can;t go back and explain bc i am late for class.... im just lost. i am always the one who gives advice to other people / helps other people. what right do i have to do that when i cant even take care of myself? and, even more, where is the person who can help/care about me like i have/do for the others when *I* need it. ugh, i dont even know if that came out right.... fuck it, i suck

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You are not horrible.

Your illness is horrible.

I know i am a cutter as well. It is the illness that is horrible. and NOT you, you are not horrible.

It may feel like it has a grip on you. but u did last 25days. and you will last that long, and maybe even longer again. try not to beat yourself up over it.

Yes it sucks and is terrible that you did it. but you did. and once we have done it we cant go back i know that and so do you.

try to keep your head up, and talk out these issues you are going through. we arent trained professionals but we all listen and we all support you.

Good luck to you :-)

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Opie,

This cycle for you has been going on for a LONG time and will be very hard to break without treatment (I think you know that.) Even if you have been before, just food for thought.

My other idea is, as a recovering addict, we measure PERIODS OF TIME, but don't count days. To me--and this is just me--counting days puts pressure on me.

In the early days when I didn't want to use dope, but DID want to use dope, I would listen to the NA'ers and AA'ers who said, "just don't do it today--if you still want to (fill in the blank, in your case CUT) you can do it tomorrow." And that worked for me. If I just concentrated on getting through these next 24 or 12 or 10 or 2 hours til I slept again without using, and didn't think about the vast beyond of my life without using I could not use for 24 hours at a time. And I used the psyches even if they were cliche and stupid. I would actually tell myself, mostly for cigarettes actually, "if I still want to smoke this badly (and it was wicked bad a few times I quit) I will smoke TOMORROW."

Try it. "If I still want to CUT this BADLY, I will tomorrow." And just don't today and don't count the days til you have a year or something. Yanno?

I don't know what is making you feel so horrible, I have some ideas based on my own background and the little I know of yours. But the "ick" inside HAS to come out. Somewhere, here, therapy, rehab. Somewhere. Or it will continue to poison you and distort the perceptions you have of your self, as they are truly distortions because you are all the things you so think you're not; beautiful, loving, LOVEABLE, compassionate, giving, smart, ambitious... you got it goin' on honey, you just can't see it for shit, and that's why you NEED to listen to us and not the messages planted by, erm, the bad people.

Love,

S9

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Now opie, you're not horrible...I know, i probably should have chimed in before, but I'm lax in readin etc. blah blah excuses et al...

Anyways, you had 25 days I had what 22 months, slip ups happne we're all human I di it even though I have someone who can check and I have to hide it really hard and (oops) I think she knew anyways yeah even after THAT long it still feels about the same as it does as if it was only like 2 days.

It's always gonna be a work in progress. You can't feel like a failure--cuz you aren't. I know you got a lotta shit to slog through, belive me, but you gotta keep your head up if you don't want to eat it. (damn I wish I'd have said that at an AA meeting...)

Anyways if you let every fuck up rule your life you'll end up like me and you seriously DON'T want that so ease up girl, right? You have plenty of capability or suchlike; toss it like I did and you'll be a burn out by 30. And you're better than that, Trust me. (heh, I originally typed "tryst me...")

Anyways. I'm an old guy, set in my ways, struggling to change. I think, I really do, you have a better chance to find that off ramp to recovery. (damn, me and my metaphors again...) I believe in you. I believe in you , so there. ;) Nothing you can do about THAT.

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hiya-

i'm not a cutter, but i've been a self-abuser in the past, to the point where people thought my husband was beating me (i'm now divorced).

you do not suck because you have an illness. it is your illness that makes you do this, not who you are. i was just DXed with HPV. people keep telling me that the virus isn't me and i'm not it, i need to manage it and that is that. the same is for your cutting. it is a symptom of your disorder and you just need to focus on management of the disorder.

i like what S9 said about one day at a time. one second, one minute, one hour. that's how my dad got clean. he'd just think of those little time frames, and it ended up being 6 months of being clean before his suicide.

this is a short-term (and can turn into long term!) solution for your problem right now.

as for longer term solutions, getting to the root of the matter-

only you can do that, and with the help of the right tdoc. you just haven't come across the right one yet. i had one who once suggested that i join a group of naturalists who would dance naked in the forest around trees- i dumped her! i have some tdoc stories, good and bad.

i'd interview potential tdocs. see how you interact with them before you start all-out therapy with them. ask them questions about how they'd go about treating you and how they view your problem. you'll find the right one faster that way i think. you're the customer, they're people you're going to pay, so make it worth your time to find the right person who can help you get out of this mess.

you're NOT a failure for cutting. it just means that it is time for a new start. now you're back to ground zero. that doesn't mean that the other days don't count either. you've been cutting-free for almost a month! congrats!

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I don't deserve any of the good things any of you are saying to me.... ;)

now i am stuck. once i break, i have a very hard time stopping again. the 25 day thing was a while ago. now the longest i can go is 5 days, if that.

i'm sorry that i am wasting your time.

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your never wasting our time ophelia.

if it was easy to stop cutting, this board wouldn't be here.

25 days is good, 5 days is good, trying other activities to release the pain for an hour is good, even if you end up cutting in the end.

you are trying.

and you are trying to stop something that is very hard to stop.

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