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Well, last night I had a bit of a self-medication binge. I took about 8 pain killers, with codeine, of which I am a fully fledged addict. I stayed home and watched dvds, ate like crazy, drank coke (addicted to this too. seriously!), wacked off to porn (another one), and generally had a hedonistic time in my bedroom. I was even seriously thinking about getting a pack of cigarettes (haven't smoked in over 3 years), and going out and buying some cheese, and ice-cream of the non-vegan kind. Thank fuck I didn't do these.

I've totally become apathetic. I began lexapro about 2 weeks ago. It really sounds like it's brought all this on. I've got an apointment with shrinko on wednesday. I might just send her an email letting her know what's going on. I have been taking pain meds for the last week, bit more than a regular dose, when I don't need them.

It's either that or something to do with being depressed, or both. My pattern is that I self-medicate when I get depressed, or hypomanic (i'm always drawn to downers so that makes sense). Maybe I have been, or I am, in a bit of a mixed state? I'm going inward. I don't feel like going out and being sociable either. That sounds like depression. I have been getting, at times, agitated and irritable.

Whatever is happening I want the fucking thing to stop. I've got a lot on at the moment. Assignments due and all that. I've been through the physical withdrawals of codeine, after taking it regularly for months, and it's horrible. No way I want to get to that stage.

Anyhow, thought I'd stop in with it.

cheers hyenas,

Timothy

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well i'm thinking you should send that email. not that everything that you weren't doing isn't fun (go team!) but the drugs can be potentially harmful when mixed. sounds like you're going through mixed states and technically I'd say leave all the drugs and alcohol alone from right this minute until you can get a face to face with the doc. If you feel REALLY out of control or just "screw all of it" like head right on over to your ER.do not wait. In fact I'm thinking a call to an advice nurse (or whatever they call them on your side) might be a good thing. a bored weekend can be a dangerous one. leave the bad stuff alone...

lilie

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hiya hl-

whenever i drink, it takes a few days, but it catches up with me. i always get into some funk, either a hypo, mixed (usually mixed), or depressed state then for a few days. then i drink again. it seems like i'm always setting myself up for it.

here we call your situation 'dual diagnosis', meaning, you have an addiction (addictions?) problem along with your bipolar disorder. sometimes this is even treated in the hospital here- they treat the addiction first and then the disorder, usually.

be really open with your pdoc in telling her everything about what you're taking. she'll know the course of action to take.

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My one rule--if you feel that your behavior was really out of it, or not really what you intended, or you did the drugs and stuff cause you "had " to--then there's a problem, and I don't think I'd even wait on an e-mail. What we consider fun at the time, quickly becomes something we repeat and repeat--trust me, I know this one--and the fun factor quickly disappears.

Sounds like youve done what I have done in the past--just how much crap can I take/do/take some more and still function the next day? It was, to me, almost like a challenge--that, and the fact that I LOATHED that Sunday morning feeling when the crank was gone, all the bags scraped and put in the coffee, and I knew the real wor;d was out there, waiting for me. Ug--

The good news? Your choices of things to "abuse" is not really terrible--except the pain pills, and you KNOW about coming off those. I mean, you could have downd a bottle of Jack, etc.etc.

But don't wait for an e-mail--call somebody. Cause once you wake up arnd resalize you aren't dead, and don't really feel that bad, you are off on the lovely cycle of "Just how much can I do?" or worse--"How much do I have to do now to feellike I did the other night?" Sounds pretty hypo to me, and boy I have been in that pattern before more times than I can count. There is NO good ending to this--so why not get some help and stop now, before you find yourself experimenting with combiningall the lovely things mentioned in your signature,(which I have done) and then really take a dive?

been there, done that--got the tee shirt

love, china

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Well, I think I am feeling better today. Instead of staying home last night, popping pills (and I wanted to), I went out with some friends to see a band. I really enjoyed it.

I decided to increase my dose of seroquel from 150mg to 200mg last night. Well I slept until midday today, which wasn't a bad thing. I needed the sleep. I feel very calm today; not irritable, not depressed. I've cleaned my room. My carpet was covered in pieces of slide film. Maybe the increase is what I needed. I'll see in the coming week. I haven't had that urge to self-medicate today.

I've just made myself the hugest pot of bolognaise sauce, with heaps of veges in it. It'll keep me healthy.

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Healthful food is definitely a good step. Could you send some of that spaghetti sauce my way?

Hey lmnop. I've always liked your nick!

I really would send you some if I could. I just don't think Australia Post will do dry ice.

I just love cooking for people. I could cook for 20 people and be happy.

Now I have my barbeque set up for summer I'm going to be having some little parties.

It's spring time here, and Melbourne is so exciting this time of year. The mood really changes.

I'm going to cook a vege burger for dinner. I found some really nice ones.

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G'day coppa. How ya goin'?

Sorry... I live with an Aussie and find making fun of accents just too easy. He gets his revenge back daily.

You pointed out one thing that sounded very hopeful... Spring. I'm seriously jealous as it's Fall in the UK and already cold and miserable. Oftentimes peoples moods are helped out a lot when they move into a favourite season. HOWEVER, be careful as the good feeling could turn into mania just as easily.

I'm not sure if I'd be too hard on myself for having a hedonistic one-off night locked in the bedroom. Sounds like you had a good time, but if I were to be 100% honest, your post tasted a little manic. The latter posts seemed calmer. If it wasn't a one-off then you should get to "shrinko" asap.

So... what are the pain pills for and do you think it's a good idea to have them around? I know they'd be calling my name if I had them in the house. If you need them, really need them, then that's one thing. If they're for recreational use, um, erm, please be careful. I'm not one to preach because I fall off the wagon frequently and hard (although the days of wanking to porn have been killed by meds, bah humbug). It just seems like you got really fed up with having to follow rules and lashed out for a bit. Again, be careful.

Sorry if that was preachy.

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