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Hey ben, you and me prolly got a lot in common.  LOL a delusion about brittany spears.  I had one about her too!  How lame looking back at it!  but she is pretty hot and has a lot of money!

I also struggled with drug problems!  (Sorry I read some of your other posts).  And I had social problems  but they're getting better.  I may not die a virgin, I really don't care though, the kinda girls I attract I think I'd rather stay a virgin.  LOL!!!!

It seems my drug problems have gone away though, I thought theyd be fun again but luckily they're not tried pot got paranoid as hell, tried drinking made me kinda sleepy, got painkillers from surgery made me sick to my stomach.

I can see why you'd think these boards are depressing, it sucks thinking about your illness and meds all the time.  I used to read about schizo all the time but that made me kinda neurotic.  Now instead I read about my hobbies like videogames music, and comedy and such. Feel a whole lot better not obsessing over it I suggest you keep takin your meds though, maybe drop the depakote.  How old are you?  I'm 23.  See ya.

Hey email me if you want my address is:  edited to remove email address for your safety (e.g. spammers, etc.) If you want to contact Kevin please use the PM (private message) function.

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LOL...yes, I was convinced Britney Spears was in love with me.  Not out of nowhere, though, I thought that a girl that I was chatting with online was Britney in disguise.  As if that makes it any less lame. I thought she was going to come and pick me up at my apartment and whisk me away on her private jet.  She never did, though, lol.  I wonder if she knows about all the schizophrenics who think that she's in love with them...lol.

Hold on, though, I got that delusion beat.  I thought that I was the reincarnation of both Tupac Shakur AND Jesus Christ and that I was going to be a rap star/messiah/great writer.  I visited message boards and started writing rap lyrics.  My thoughts were moving so fast I just typed and typed hundreds of posts containing my "message".  LOL...I think I'm still crazy, talking about all these delusions.  Those were just the gradiose, good delusions that I had.  The bad paranoid delusions I don't want to talk about.  They're boring.

I had/have problems with the same three drugs as you.  Was addicted to pot, am addicted to alcohol, and abused painkillers for a while. 

I don't find these boards as depressing now that I don't read them all day, every day.  My job keeps me from doing that.  I don't really think about my illness anymore.  I found out the other day that I'm schizoaffective, so I probably need the depakote.

I just turned 25. 

Ben

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Yeah my delusions were centered around music, music stars, jesus christ ect.  Ah what a fun time.  I'd do it again if it wouldn't fuck everything up.  My best trip.  LOL.  I still think of my Illness sometimes, just cause I feel it makes me lazy, lethargic and disorganised.  Who knows maybe I am just using it as an excuse to be a lazy ass. 

I too was diagnosed Schizoaffective but I seem to do just fine without the depakote.  I just couldn't handle being on depakote.  It made me sooo slow esp. with the risperdal too.  I went off it and have been doing alright for 4-5 months.  Fingers crossed I don't want to go back on it.

The only thing I am worried about is school.  I want to go back so bad and become a nurse but I don't know if I can do it.  The homework that is.  I just don't want to be stuck at a grocery store being a cashier the rest of my life.  Grumpy customers.  Oneday I am gonna punch one of these desperate housewives in the mouth.  No, just kidding.  Most customers are pretty nice but one really bad one can really piss you off.  sorry had a bad day.  But anyhow this grocery store job is for the birds.  I need to get back into school.

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Yeah, my Jesus Christ period was more fun than any drug I've been on.  I've never had so much confidence in my life.  But then when I realized that I wasn't Christ and Britney Spears probably hated my worker bee ass things started to suck.  Instead of Jesus I became Satan and everyone was part of a secret christian coalition put into place just to keep me in line.  They had cameras in my house, even in the bathroom.  But, like an idiot, I never let on that I was thinking these things, not even in 20 hours of court ordered counselling.  The counsellor had this thing where she'd blink only one eye and I thought she was giving me secret signals that I shouldn't talk about the delusions.  I almost killed myself last summer...I should have just opened my mouth and said, "yeah, I'm Satan...what are you gonna do about it?"  ;)

I work at Walmart although I have a college education.  It sucks, but it's nice making money and getting out of the house everyday.  It's worth it just for the fact that I'm around people all day long. You should go back to school, guest, if that's what you want to do.  God knows I'm not going to be working at Walmart for the rest of my life.  If I do, please kill me.

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Yeah, being psychotic made me homeless, I've been through rehab and halfway houses for my drug problems, and a few times in the mental hospital.  Now that I am actually cooperating and being compliant things are much easier.  But Ben, do you every feel lazy or kind of out of it?  What do you do about it if you do?  My doc might give me ritalin.  I know it may be bad news but I think I'll try it.  Then throw it away if it makes me nuts.

I'm the guy who wrote about being at a grocery store/ department store, meijer.  I thought I was logged in.  Well, it has its good moments and bad moments.  But I'm thinking about switching to produce instead of cashiering so I don't have to deal with so many customers and price checks.  Plus I think fruits and vegetables are groovy.  Man do some people suck.  Some are really cool, but some people just suck!!!

I just saw a shirt today:  "You should here what the voices in my head are saying about you"  I thought it was funny.  I don't hear voices but I thought it was funny.

Great to see you made it through school, gives me some hope.  Your grammer looks very well(good?).  Mines kinda all over the place, even though two of the classes I actually passed were english classes.

Your garden variety psycho ;) ,

Kevin

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Kevin, I've pretty much always been a lazy ass, so I don't think it's all the disease's fault.  I did go through a period of lethargy and depression while I was sick.  The only thing that helped was getting on medication.  I've been on medication for about 9 months and I'm just now getting back to my old self, it seems like.  It just takes a while, and I had to force myself to do things.  I still have to force myself to do things, since I'm a good for nothing lazy ass.    ;)

Up until a week ago, I've been on risperdal, and the whole time I felt pretty out of it.  Most of it was probably tiredness though.  Now I'm on abilify and I'm starting to feel kinda different.  More confident.  Wondering if this girl at work is flirting with me (I'm clueless when it comes to those things haha). 

That sucks about being homeless.  And if your doc wants to give you ritalin, go for it.  I get really excited about new drugs.  I'm weird like that.

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Yeah, I have the same problem with girls, there are some girls at work I like but I can't read their signals very well, and we all know girls are all about signals.  I think a good relationship would help me alot, but I've really become independent, it's the only way to be.

I just quit smoking and I feel better cause of that.  I'm using the patch and haven't had a cigarette in two weeks.

Ritalin ahhhhhhhhhhh....  now that would be a nice buzz  B) .  A pill I'd like to take.  I used to take adderall, that was even more fun.  Just hopefully it won't make me psycho.  And hopefully he'll give it to me.  He said he'd research it.  Which means he forgot about it as soon as the next patient came in.  I sure hope he didn't research it.  Cause it can cause psychotic side effects. Oh, well.  I'm feeling better whether I get it or not. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Oh, Hi Ben.  I've been doing well.  I just wish I liked work more.  I get along well with my co-workers but some customers just tick me off.  Some girls at work started talking to me but I am super shy around them it sucks, sucks big time, I signed up for some college classes at the community college in my area for the fall.

I hung out with one of my friends a couple of times, one of the few who still lives in Batavia.  He really annoys me so I don't hang out with him much, plus most of the time hes drinking and smoking so it's a good thing.  I downloaded a super nintendo emulator and have been playing some old RPGs.  I've been playing a rpg that was only released in Japan that some hackers translated to english.  It's pretty neat.  I enjoy watching tv I hate to sound queer but I just got into Queer Eye.  Those guys crack me up.  Like watching adult swim on cartoon network also.  Went to taste of chicago that was fun but I got full too quick.  I got some ritalan from the doctor.  Not sure how much it's helping me focus but it does make me feel better and plus I think I can lose weight on it.  I gained a little too much from taking zyprexa in the past.

It's all good except for work, which is why I'm going back to school.  How are you doing?

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