Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

I didn't realise...


Recommended Posts

I have spent the better part of today reading the posts and following threads from everyone. I just found this site today. I honestly thought I was the only person to have all this messed up shit in my life.

I never knew there was a name for something I hadn't admitted to myself. I have never told anyone about this.

I enjoy getting hurt. Not on a sexual level. But on a baser, more self-destructive level. I have crashed cars, started fights knowing I will get my ass kicked, done some of the stupidest, most dangerous stunts, hoping and eagerly anticipating getting injured. And when it would happen, I loved the pain. I have had four reconstructions of my left knee and loved every operation, every moment of excruciating rehab. I have had my should ripped out of the socket in a fight and felt like I was in heaven.

I feel validated and even loved when I fuck myself up. Like someone gives a shit about me even though I don't care about myself. I know there were times I was just trying to kill myself with my reckless behavour. But even in failing at that I would take pleasure from the pain. It seemed so...

...familiar and comforting.

Christ on a crutch i haven't ever let this out. What thejkladd

This is way too intense for me right now. I thought I was pretty stable but this is really getting to me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You've made a fine, brave start, bert, just to talk about this; and this is a good place to be. Everybody here need help and has found help here. Welcome

tom

Link to comment
Share on other sites

this message will self-destruct ... or maybe just the author will.

self-harm exists along a huge spectrum from risky behaviours like unsafe sex, speeding, to neglecting medical needs, disordered eating, to cutting, burning, the "typical" self-harm. my personal favourite is wearing non-grippy shoes when going caving or bouldering so that i end up falling over all the time and bruised and broken.

i think it's excellent you realised what you were doing, and that it felt good doing it. tissue injury is bloody brilliant for giving the brainstem a kick up the arse and making it pump out those sweet neurotransmitters we're so deficient in and reminds our poor little limbic systems that we're not supposed to always be sad/angry/anxious/pink. and because the pain pathways go to the hypothalamus, we get addicted to it. we're victims of our own engineered brains.

pain reminds us that we're alive, not dead inside, that we are strong beings who can withstand physical torment that would make others pass out. it punishes whatever it is in us that makes our lives so unbearable that we need to destroy ourselves to atone for it. it's really complicated, and every person is different, and don't ever let a care provider treat you with any other than dignity, respect and the best medical care you need for your injuries. self-inflicted harm is still harm, and we deserve pain relief, stitches, rest as much as the next person with a dislocated shoulder.

sorry. just on a rant. nice to see you round here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stinky,

that was absolutely brilliant.

Thank you.

1badbert,

Welcome. As you can see theres lots of help to be had here, even if it's only in knowing theres others that can relate.

energ

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you, everyone, for the welcome.

I am seeing a tdoc and a pdoc and a gdoc. I have been in therapy for four years and yesterday I found out how I need even more.

But I need to be honest with myself first. As you already know, the biggest lie is the one we tell ourselves. Yesterday morning I was confident I was stable and dealing with my divorce, my mentally interesting eleven year old son, living alone for the first time in 14 years, ect.

Well, imagine my suprise when I find our (already taking posession of this wonderful board ;) ) site and read all these things that have been written about ME. Shook the pillars of my house of deceit. Last night and this morning have been f-ing hell. I can't lie to myself now. I am in need. I have to get help. Sunday is not the day to be feeling like this. The little whispers are getting louder and I don't have a local support network to turn to. I am going to hang on til Monday and start screaming for help. Call the pdoc. Rattle his cage. Get the tdoc to get me in sooner than later.

I feel I am on the tightrope. I can feel the tug of hope on my shirtsleave. This is huge for me. As shitty as I feel right now I KNOW I have made giant leaps in understanding myself, in 24 hours! I am NOT alone in this. This IS a part of me. I CAN be honest and deal with this. And I WILL NOT heed the whispers. The precipice beckons yet I WILL turn away!!

I thank my God for sending me to you. Now if I can just quit crying, my co-workers are looking very nervous.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am going to hang on til Monday and start screaming for help. Call the pdoc. Rattle his cage. Get the tdoc to get me in sooner than later.
Definitely! I think this is *essential* given the way you've been thinking this weekend.

I feel I am on the tightrope. I can feel the tug of hope on my shirtsleave. This is huge for me. As shitty as I feel right now I KNOW I have made giant leaps in understanding myself, in 24 hours! I am NOT alone in this. This IS a part of me. I CAN be honest and deal with this. And I WILL NOT heed the whispers. The precipice beckons yet I WILL turn away!!

I believe you CAN do this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...