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Terrified to be alone forever


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I don't think there's just one person for everyone. If you can put your head in the right place and have a bit of luck, you ought to do ok. However, don't expect any good new relationship to be good in the same way that old one was. It will probably be good in some different way. Things that were great with your second bf probably won't be quite as great with the new one, but quite possibly some other things that weren't so hot in the old situation will be great in the new one. If you expect things to be essentially the same as that older relationship, that's going to make other things look sour.

BTW, sounds to me like second bf might have been a bit touchy about these matters.

Years ago my ex (who was not my ex at the time or for several years after) brought home a friend from work. I got to talking with her, and, right in front of ex's eyes, a practically visible spark occured. Never went anywhere, but it did make ex nervous sometimes. We would joke about it.

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Finding that "right one" can be extraordinarily difficult.  Especially when you have that "perfect" one in the past to compare every candidate to.

My personal take is that, to get the person that's really right for you, you have to abandon the "accepted" ways of doing things, at least with all the artifice and whatnot.  Truly, TRULY be yourself when going out and meeting somebody--no lies or exaggerations, open and honest (OK, you don't have to be totally open about your past, but I find it helps,; skeletons in the closet are real relationship killers--but don't reveal too early!).

Other than that, um, I've always found the old ways--chance meetings, work, friends, the best ways,  "Attracting" someone good is not so much the issue as meeting someone good and slowly but surely weaving both your lives together, until you're a true couple.  Which will only happen if you're actually *right* for each other, being open and honest and caring etc. etc..

A fer instance:  After two VERY nasty, psyche and morale-devastating relationships, I swore off women for five years, celibacy and all.  Then the girl who is now my fiancee fell into my life.  Oh, the relationship was fast and furious BUT--while she did the ol' "I love you" bit all the time...I didn't do the "typical guy thing and just parrot it right back.  No, I did that the first two times, and actually *believed* it.  In a 3 week and 3 month relationship.  "love", hah.

No, this time, I told her I wouldn't tell her I loved her until I was sure I did.  (that whole "honesty" gig)  She accepted that.  So, things ran their course, I examined my feelings and how things were going (we were living together this whole time, a brand new thing for me, btw), and one day as I left for work..."I love you too."

And now we're committed to each other (oh, boy are we, you just have to read a few of my threads...).  All this, from a girl I met, that lived just down the alley even though I didn't know, at a party at my house that just kinda happened, who a friend just *happened* to pick up down on drag (the hang out spot for teens and upwards).

So, sometimes you have to search high and low for love; I did for years.  Sometimes, it ends up getting delivered to you on the back of a friend's motorcycle.

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Wow. Who can possibly live up to our memories of the "perfect" one that got away/lost/didn't deserve? No one can. But first things first. You can't replace the memory of someone with a flesh and blood, emotional, free-thinking person. It won't happen, no way, no how.

So what to do? Forgive yourself. You said it all, you were young, inexperieced in matters of the heart, didn't know ect. You are looking for ablsolution and the only place to get it is from yourself. So cut your self a break.

I can say with relative certainty we have all blown good relationships at one time or another. Hell, my wife of 14 years left 'cause I'm a nutjob. It hurts. Gonna hurt for a while. Do I deserve it? No. Am I responsible for it happening? I think so. Am I going to learn from it? You betcha. I have forgiven myself for the mistakes I have made in my marriage. And forgiven her. Karma karma karma. I gots to let it go.

And so do you. And I believe you will. And when you do you will ready yourself for the next great relationship in your life. Life is messy, relationships are no different. But give yourself the chance to grow and learn from past mistakes. You obviously attracted the first BF by being the person you truly are. He saw something in you that is very wonderful, very beautiful and uniquely you. It is still there waiting for the next special person to find.

"It can happen to you. Then it can happen again." Steve McQueen in 'Le Mans"

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Devon:

It has been many years since I was single, but I distinctly remember that sometimes I must have been giving off the right pherenomes or vibrations or whatever, 'cause I'd be beating them off with a stick.  Other times I must have been giving off needy, unhappy vibes, because I couldn't get arrested if I walked down Main Street naked.

I think you need to back off from dating, hang with some pals, think about your job or whatever and stop focusing on how much you hate being alone.  Any man or woman who comes across as being happy and independent as a single person is VERY attractive to other single people.  But that has to come from an inner confidence and self-love. 

When you're happy with yourself, it just draws other people to you.  I don't believe that you can go out and "attract" someone just because you think it's time to settle down or get serious or whatever.  And the boyfriend in the past is, indeed, in the past.  Move on.  There is definitely another guy for you.  (I married the first "perfect" one--and divorced him 18 months later.)  I swore I'd never get married again and shortly thereafter love bit me on the ass.  Didn't want it.  I liked being single.  But it will come when you're not looking for it, I betcha.

You  don't say how old you are, but maybe your friends are pairing off and you're anxious to do it, too? 

I think there are coincidences and I think some things happen for a reason.  You didn't mess yourself up because you rejected a boyfriend several years ago.  You're a different person now and will attract a different man. 

olga

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Thanks for the thoughts, guys.  I am trying to make some new friendships.  It's not easy because I had a messed up childhood so sometimes my insecurity drives friends away.  But I am much more independent nowadays, so I am proud of that.

I know I can't try to find someone who fills the shoes of the "Mr. Perfect" from my past.  But even so, I barely meet anyone I have much in common with.  For instance, I'd like to meet someone who has interests, politics, goals, and other things in common with me.  I have met some nice men (and some not-so-nice men), but usually we aren't compatible enough for things to last long-term.  It's just very hard for me to meet someone because my interests and background aren't mainstream.

Anyway, I am trying to take your suggestions and forgive myself for the past and move on.

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It's just very hard for me to meet someone because my interests and background aren't mainstream.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

My dear Gramma used to say "They always dam the main stream. Stick to the creek, it's more interesting"

God, I miss my Gramma. Most grounded person I have ever known.

Peace.

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