feels like giving in

[Mechante]

Hi all,

Like my topic description says, I just took my first 0.5mg clonazepam in almost a year. I took myself off clonazepam and trazodone in January because I thought it was important for me to learn to sleep and deal with a mild level of anxiety by myself. I've done really well up until these past couple weeks, but now there seems to have been a spike in my anxiety, and last night I couldn't sleep. I had a pdoc appointment today and she said it was okay to take a clonazepam to calm myself down before bed. So I did. But I'm having trouble feeling "okay" with having taken it. Like, I can reconcile myself with the fact that I need the BP meds to function, but for some reason the thought of going back on benzos (and sleep meds) makes me feel like I'm admitting defeat.

Someone want to help me correct this faulty strain of thinking??? :embarassed:

[resonance]

I made New Year's resolutions about meds for two years. The first year, I resolved to take care of myself enough to not need antidepressants. The next year, to take care of myself well enough to not need to raise my dose. Then I started rapid-cycling and got diagnosed bipolar (although, admittedly, I did not wind up raising my dosage of antidepressants, I'm still pretty sure that doesn't count as keeping my resolution).

I think what I got out of that is the notion that healthy self-care involves identifying and using the most appropriate treatments to the situation, rather than deciding based on non-health reasons what treatments should be used, and straining to make the situation fit those treatments.

The important thing isn't that you use or don't use the klonopin, but that you identify changes in your symptoms (which you did) and treat them quickly and appropriately (which it sounds like you did, and you have your pdoc to back you up on this). The important thing isn't the klonopin, it's taking care of you.

(imo of course.)

[Panz]

sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Sleep is a necessary part of functioning in life. Don't feel bad for doing what you should do to keep your system working. You have to have enough sleep and rest for your brain to be able to function properly. You are already BP1 and possibly SA, you don't need sleep dep too.

[Mechante]

Thanks guys. I guess the biggest proof of it being okay to take the meds I need is the fact that I slept perfectly fine after taking the clonazepam. You're right - I have enough issues. Why compromise my sleep, too?

Thanks.

[Jemini]

As many folks know, I have struggled to get free of benzos. I finished with Klonopin in January also, following a 9 month taper. I have since been prescribed to take PRN and have had pretty mixed results, from helping settle to rebound siezury stuff. From some of what I've read, and it depends on your condition and how long used and a million other things, benzo dependency can take up to 18 months following complete abstinence to recover more natural means of calming the GABA system or whatever.

All this is a way of saying, there are many viewpoints, I don't know either, and let us know how it goes. I am really struggling still not to take the benzos now, as doctors have pretty typically ignored my input about changing symptoms around this. There is an educational deficit about this issue. I actually (oh this is so deeply ironic) do not believe that benzos are appropriate, as I have experienced mania. An expert on kindling doing research into benzos in the early 90s first put me on Klonopin, and I must say it worked wonders. His research interests moved on, he no longer treats patients, and it seems the longer term story with benzos is not so favorable.

The only other thing I'll say is that for sleep, aside from really mild stuff like chamomile and valerian and just quiet evenings, walking a lot and just being active helps me sleep better at night. I wake some days with panicky stuff, thinking about everything going on, and other days, when I manage to *have* less things going on by unplugging a bit more, I wake up feeling more centered. Wisdom like this has never ever come from the psychiatrist.

But. Yeah. Keep feeling some days like I want one of those Klonopin. I think something like a slower acting mood stabilizer would be better for me right now except that I have no doctor and by the time I do my condition will have changed again!

Sorry. Lots of thoughts. I hope you're feeling okay with whatever you decide to do.