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The Sins of the Father


1badbert

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Little story:

I went to my Dad's for Father's Day. BBQ and BS. He is remarried to a nice lady. Get along with her fine. He and I have "HISTORY". Used to beat the crap out of me for crying. Pissed him off big time. And me being depressed for as long as I can remember he was pissed a lot.

Anywho, we get to his house and my step-family is there and everyone is yakkity yakyak. Say hello, sit down and just enjoy listening to eveyone. I have been isolating myself for some time since the wife bugged. So I am being quiet.

My sister, Lori, leans over and quietly asks if I am doing OK. She knows me and is aware of the depression ect. So I look her in the eyes and say "Ask me later". My old man overhears and wants to know what the big secrect is. Did I mention he is an asshole? I tell him there is no secret, I just don't want to share at the moment. He gets his panties in a knot, demands to know what I'm hiding and to spill it now.

Ask and ye shall receive. I said "Lori asked me if I am OK. I am most definitely not OK. My wife has left me, I am broke, my son is in therapy, and this morning I had to think of a reason not to put my gun in my mouth and blow my fucking head off. Now you know how I feel. Happy Father's Day."

He looks me right in the eye and said " You always over-react to everything."

Rest of the afternoon was very quiet and I hope I never have to go to another BBQ at my old man's.

Now, dear reader, is there some reason I should NOT be depressed? Just goes to show I can get better understanding and more effective help from a stranger on line than from the beast that raised me.

We are not alone in this. I know it andyou know it. It's just that sometimes those who accompany us do not bear the burden with us, they add to it.

Thank each and every one person in your life for lifting you up on the days when the burden is too much. I thank all of you for sharing mine and hope I can help you carry yours.

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1badbert,

I'll move this over to the family board for you.

I am sorry that your dad is being such an asshole.  I know it's not much help, but he doesn't understand.  It's a lack of understanding on his part, not anything you did wrong.  And you know that, I'm sure.  But it's nice to hear it from other people. 

I am struck by the fact that in your post you have such a desire to help other people, too.  That is very, very kind.  Most people are not like that, unfortunately.

I don't get along that well with my dad, either.  We're not... he never hit me.  But I have always been a very emotional person, and my dad completely disapproved of that.  He taught me that negative emotions weren't real, more or less- that I wasn't really "sad" I was just "manipulative" and trying to get something from him.  It's hard because I have that constant Dad voice in the back of my head questioning and invalidating a lot of my feelings.  But... he never hit me.

Thank you for sharing with us... I think all of the posts here make the community, as a whole, stronger... the solidarity of the thing.

I'm not sure I'm making sense.  I just woke up and last night was a nightmares night.  So I think I's a gonna shut up now. ;)

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Becca,

You are making perfect sense. I have that "Dad" voice, also. I call him "Bob" and I am "Bobby". The two of them fight it out for control of my soul. Through therapy I have empowered "Bobby" and been able to diminish the effect of "Bob".

The thing is I can never be rid of the negative because it too is a part of me. It defines me, to a certain extent, but doesn't control me. Oh, sure, he'll jump up and demand to be heard when I am tired and/or stressed out. But I REFUSE to let him run the show.

The duality of Robert.  ;)

I really do want to help others. We need to know we aren't alone and don't have to face the fear by ourselves. This, MI and all it's disguises, must be brought out into the light of Truth and recognized for what it is- A TREATABLE, SURVIVABLE condition that afflicts HUMAN BEINGS from all walks of life. I hate the ignorance that surrounds us, but love the ignorant. And try, in my own miniscule way, to educate them. I am willing to be the voice in the wilderness. I am a sick and twisted individual but I am not alone. And neither are you.

Peace and love,

Bobby

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I hope I never have to go to another BBQ at my old man's.

The obvious answer is: You don't.  You are an adult and are under no obligation to continue to socialize with a person who has brutalized you.

My own father was emotionally and verbally abusive to me as a child, though he never beat any of his children.  I spent much of my young adulthood craving to be completely free of him, and that freedom came when I married and had kids of my own.  He has mellowed out with age, and has recognized some of the things he used to do, and regrets them.  So we are able to have a relationship, and can enjoy his grandchildren, which I would not have permitted had he remained as he was.

In your case, it sounds like the man is an unreconstructed ass.  As you have described the situation, no good can come of interacting with him.  You don't have to go see him, even on father's day, if you are going to be abused again.

I'm still coping with the effects of the childhood abuse, but I'm getting past it.  I wish you well on your personal journey.

Cerberus

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Bert:

I'm with Cerberus all the way on this.  Just because you have a biological connection to someone doesn't mean that you automatically like/love/respect/need each other.  He is a mean little man and until you feel healthy and confident you shouldn't waste any time or mental energy on him.  If you need to connect with a man on the next Father's Day, go volunteer at a shelter for homeless men or visit a nursing home and play cards with some old guys.  They'll appreciate your company far more than your old man does.

You need to be with people who appreciate your good qualities.  And learn to stay away from everyone who damages you psychologically.

I'm glad you're here!!  WE like you!

olga

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  • 3 months later...

May I recommend a book?

Trapped in the Mirror:  Adult Children of Narcicissist and Their Quest for Self by Elan Gollum, Ph.D.

This is the most helpful, brilliant book I've read for those of us raised by abusive parents. 

It's not an "easy" read but it is very healing and insightful.

Trust me.  It helped me tremendously in dealing with my dad.

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