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Why don't they get it?


1badbert

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My parents had five kids.

1. Daughter K. - Control freak, alcoholic, rage-aholic

2. Daughter L. - Alcoholic, Drepressed

3. Son Me - Depressed, alcoholic, former drug addict, suicidal, SI

4. Daughter S. - Withdrawn, 3-time divorcee, control freak, delusional

5. Son S. - Alcoholic, drug abuser, rage-aholic, control freak

My old man used physical abuse on me and emotional and psychological abuse on all of us. My mom crawled in a bottle for 25 years and lied whenever she opened her mouth, played us against one another for fun.

And they want to know why we are so fucked up and don't want anything to do with them. "Why are you going to therapy? What are you talking about? You are making all this up."

I have tried to get along with my family, told my parents I forgave them for anything they did to me. "You only did what you knew how to do" bullshit. I finally realize I just don't like them as people. Am I an *bubbles the chimp*? Or just a survivor?

I am so afraid I am fucking up my own son it is tearing my heart out. I would never forgive myself for damaging him and yet it happens everyday. I know it. That is why I only have one child. Got myself fixed right after he was born because I didn't want to hurt another human being.

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Hi 1badbert,

From this post and another I just saw, it sounds like you're really having a rough time right now. Based on what you've said, I think you fit well into the survivor category

I come from a way messed up family too but I think the majority of my brothers and sisters (two and four respectively) realize that it was fucked up--so no denial there. My family's denial comes in regards to my mom and her current mental state. Out of the seven (dad's dead), only two of us are actually smart enough to realize she's toxic and it ain't gonna change. The rest keep falling into the same hole in the street repeatedly while we keep a wide berth.

It's hard to overcome family issues in a society that places such importance on it - bio family, that is.

My philosophy in a nutshell: Family is what you make it to be - friends, wife, kids, whomever. Biology doesn't matter. ('cept in crazy genes <g>)

It sounds like you've done your due diligence. Maybe a break would help.,,although it doesn't sound like that's been successfull... but maybe a more restrictive break?

On the kid thing, usually when people "create" messed up kids, it's not intentional--they just don't know any better. You sound like you understand yourself..what you want to avoid with your own kid, etc. Maybe ask your wife for a reality check? Perhaps your therapist? Heck, maybe ask your kid--if they're old enough.

Ordinary people are usually their own worst critics--think how exaggerated that is in those of us with distorted thinking issues. You might be surprised at the results..although integrating that into your belief system is a whole 'nother ball of wax.

Ruins

childless on purpose and a fellow Washingtonian

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"Toxic"

I like that ;)

Reality checks all around and fresh horses for my men. I am going to start family therapy with the boy. Wife and I have recently split and she is into the 'I'm bitter as hell and it is all your fault!' stage. I would hope to get her into the sessions with us but I don't know...

I know I pack my family around on my back sometimes. I worry about my syblings. Only one of them, second sister L., has her life together. the rest a FUBAR and unaware of the situation. But I can't fix it for them and aren't going to waste my time trying.

All things considered, except for the shock I felt when I first started reading the message boards here and saw myself all over the palce, I am doing pretty well.

Peace

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  • 1 month later...

My old man used physical abuse on me and emotional and psychological abuse on all of us. My mom crawled in a bottle for 25 years and lied whenever she opened her mouth, played us against one another for fun.

Both my parents used physical,emotional and psychological abuse. "For my own good"----"This hurts me more that it hurts you"

I have tried to get along with my family, told my parents I forgave them for anything they did to me. "You only did what you knew how to do" bullshit. I finally realize I just don't like them as people. Am I an *bubbles the chimp*? Or just a survivor?

I think the question is:What is forgiveness? To me it is not saying well I know you did the best that you did and so lets be friends. But just realising that they are who they are and here is the key" NOT to Hate them". Ya, you have every right not to like them, be with them, or talk to them. Hating them eats your soul, though. There is a Book called "A Boy Called It" By David(something)and two others. He was the worse child abuse case ever, and yet he turned out to be a wonderful person and loving father. David(It) could explain it better to you about not hating.

I am so afraid I am fucking up my own son it is tearing my heart out. I would never forgive myself for damaging him and yet it happens everyday. I know it. That is why I only have one child. Got myself fixed right after he was born because I didn't want to hurt another human being.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I believe David did the samething, only one child.

    I myself have two daughters. My husband's idea. I was to immature to know I was fucked up at that time. I too probably would have only had one. But saying that....They are a wonderful support for me. Oh ya, I did some pretty unforgiving things to them that will haunt me forever. But I wanted to change and I read books on how to change, how to be better. There is a trick to it, but I just can't remember how it works...... Like take yelling, I'm not going to yell anymore. So I believe you change the yell to something else...humming, singing. If you tell your kid "look daddy is trying to quit yelling so you must help me, by reminding me to sing, okay". My kids were so helpful with this. Especially when I was trying to stop swearing. I made it into a game. 20 swear word today hey, that beats yestarday. Until I stopped. Well, almost. My girls kept count. If I did loose my cool, I always said to them..."I'm not mad at you, I'm just having a bad day, or freaking out, but I just need time to think, okay?" Actually, it works both ways, now I stand back and hear them say the same to me. I really think anyone worried about hurting their child will do anything to NOT hurt them. You will change, it just takes time. Even at a young age your child needs to know what your fears are. Tell him Daddy's afraid I'm hurting you? I think you would be surprised how helpful and mature his responce is.

My girls are 15 and 17 right now, and I think I did a good job so far. They are good, caring, smart, and loving. They know they will always have me NO matter if its Good, Bad or Ugly. I don't think my parents can say the same.

I recomend the book, I think it would help you greatly. If you need to know the authers name to kind it. Let me know.

I guess that's it you grow and you learn, just take your son along for the ride and it will all work out.  Take care deb

 

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1badbert,

Your realization and vow to do all you can to stop the generational chain of abuse is a huge step. Your awareness and willingness to get therapy and build a healthy bond with your son is commendable.

It's not easy, because you don't have a role model to follow. But, you're smart, you love your son, and you're willing to ask for help. You'll do fine. Your son is a lucky boy.

Greeny

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hello again:

  I did a boo-boo on the books name...."A child called it"...by David Pelzer...I'm not sure about the spelling...Pelser....no...I'm sure it is Pelzer. Anyway's he has two others. Second is about his youth, and the third about his adult life. I hope that repairs everything.

        Take care, deb ;)

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