Jump to content

I'm scaring myself...


Recommended Posts

;) I'm going to put (mild) trigger for mentioning abuse issues and for talking about being a sad kid.

I have been doing a good job with DBT and though every day has it' struggles, I am happy that I'm making progress.

I've also been struggling with a lot of abuse issues and those issues have caused me to have mini break downs on and off over the last few weeks. Colin has been going into support overdrive and has really been my leaning post during all of this. He puts so much time and energy into creating a happy, safe space for me (home) and has been my guiding light, best friend and savior.

Leaning on him so much does have a negative side effect though...it further convinces me that he is going to tire of all of this and will leave me if I don't get better quickly. I challenge the thought and replace it with "Colin loves me, being with me can be hard work and he wouldn't be doing it if he didn't want to."

But then one morning a couple weeks ago, I was looking at him as he was waking up and trying to get out of bed...I love him so much...and the panic light started flashing in my head. He's going to leave, he's going to leave...my brain was screaming. Then, a thought came to me. The wicked, twisted, hurt and scared part of me said...he won't leave you if you have a baby.

You guys, I was shocked at myself. We have such a good life, but are in no way ready for a child. I want to do things the right way with him. I want to get my ducks in a row, marry him and then have kids. We are so fortunate to live the way we do. I have serious debt from medical bills (before I had insurance). So, we recently moved from a 1200 sq foot apartment to a dinky little place...but we love it. It's small and clean and feels so safe for me. The rent is $700.00/month and includes heat, hot water, electricity, cable and cable internet. It

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Natalie,

You don't need to beat yourself up. You are in treatment working on this. Use your tools of DBT and bring this up with your therapist and DBT counselor. That is what they are there for. What you are feeling is normal. But you are receiving the tools in which to combat them. I promise it will get better. Hang in there and do the work. You can always go back to mindfulness and breathing when feeling this way until it passes. Or what I sometimes use is distraction (in a positive way!)

Sondra

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Natalie,

You don't need to beat yourself up. You are in treatment working on this. Use your tools of DBT and bring this up with your therapist and DBT counselor. That is what they are there for. What you are feeling is normal. But you are receiving the tools in which to combat them. I promise it will get better. Hang in there and do the work. You can always go back to mindfulness and breathing when feeling this way until it passes. Or what I sometimes use is distraction (in a positive way!)

Sondra

Sondra:

Thanks so much for your reply. You're right...I need deep breathing and mindfulness. I just feel so nasty thinking these thoughts, you know?

Thank you again for making it through my whole whine...I appreciate it.

Hugs,

Natalie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i believe there is a big difference between thoughts and actions. i don't think it's too bad a thing to think about doing something like that. it lets you know where your fears lie and that you need to work on something. so long as you aren't actually DOING anything about it, i think it's probably okay to think about it.

although, if you're scared you might actually try something like that, i'd certainly be letting anyone know who will help stop you because you're right: if you aren't in the right place for a baby, you're just going to end up hurting everyone. and keeping someone around is a lousy reason to have a kid. i think you're extremely smart to realize it's a bad idea and ask for help before you do anything to mess up the great situation you currently have.

your husband (boyfriend?) sounds really cool ;) do you think you could talk to HIM about this? he might be able to reassure you he isn't leaving and maybe find other ways to help you feel more secure.

abifae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

if you did this, i think you would always wonder if he was only there because of the baby. it wouldn't end your fear of abandonment.

i understand what it is like to be plagued by thoughts that you know are wrong but are tempting. you have to just acknowledge the thought for what it is, and be mindful that the thought is not coming from a place of wise mind.

are you doing diaries and chain analysis yet? it makes it easier to be mindful if you can figure out what triggers the thoughts and feelings. the bitch part is that a lot of times there is an immediate trigger, and a trigger from weeks/months/all of life in there. and finding both of those is hard.

all of this is hard, but you have to try to take it moment by moment and not let all of the emotions trapped inside cascade out and take over. i don't mean ignore your abuse, that would be impossible and a bad idea. but being mindful of how it affects you and what things trigger thoughts of the abuse and thoughts about abandonment can really give you a sense of power over these overwhelming feelings.

this doesn't mean that you won't feel it. and you shouldn't repress emotion anyway. but being able to name an emotion and trigger at least lets you see it for what it is. even if it still hurts like a motherfucking bitch.

i think there are times, like when things are just overwhelming, when the focus has to be on how to deal with the day-to-day emotional triggers. because once you are mindful of the day-to-day triggers and issues, and can feel your emotions without being overwhelmed or shutting down and ignoring them, it becomes easier to face the past. i think we need to master the present before we turn to look at the past.

do you talk to your boyfriend about DBT? my husband read up on DBT and he did some work on it with a tdoc. and it felt good to do it together. because then i didn't feel dependant upon him to save me, i felt like he understood the work i was doing and was supportive and a part of the process. and so sometimes we look for triggers together. in his life and in my life.

i think there will be a time when you won't be scared he will leave you, but it may take a while. mindfulness and doing chain analysis really helped me to feel like i at least had control over the fear, even if it was still there.

take care

penny

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you all so much for replying to this...it means a lot to me. I'm sorry I haven't come back and replied to you all but I've realyl been struggling to stay afloat and haven't been able to form intelligent sentances. I just wanted yo ual lto know I heard yo uand was touched by your words and thoughts.

Thank you again.

Natalie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hiya natsky-

you're not alone in thinking about having a baby so he'll stay. i keep thinking of having a baby with my current (new) boyfriend because he is such a good father to the kids he has, i know he'd worship and kid we'd have together. even if it didn't work out for us, he'd always be an awesome dad. so it isn't exactly like having a baby to keep him, but it is similar in that i'd simply forget to take my birth control and accidentally get pregnant.

i've got to get that thought out of my head too! i can't have a baby with someone unless he wants to as well.

you guys will know when it is the right time. if now isn't the time and you need to get yourself together more, then your wellness must come first. if you have a baby by deceit, you'll also always wonder if he's there for you or because you have a kid. i wouldn't want to wonder that (another reason why i haven't already started attempting to get pregnant).

good luck,

loon

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hiya natsky-

you're not alone in thinking about having a baby so he'll stay. i keep thinking of having a baby with my current (new) boyfriend because he is such a good father to the kids he has, i know he'd worship and kid we'd have together. even if it didn't work out for us, he'd always be an awesome dad. so it isn't exactly like having a baby to keep him, but it is similar in that i'd simply forget to take my birth control and accidentally get pregnant.

i've got to get that thought out of my head too! i can't have a baby with someone unless he wants to as well.

you guys will know when it is the right time. if now isn't the time and you need to get yourself together more, then your wellness must come first. if you have a baby by deceit, you'll also always wonder if he's there for you or because you have a kid. i wouldn't want to wonder that (another reason why i haven't already started attempting to get pregnant).

good luck,

loon

Thanks Loon!

Yeah, it's the strangest thing. After posting this to you guys...I kind of felt exposed, I don't know...I am not sure how to describe it. It was the next best thing to discussing it with Colin.

The thought has fled my mind and I am very happy to say that the voice urging me to do this is silent.

I hope I end up having children with this man. We are talking about marriage and I know I could make it with him. He has shown such a very deep level of understanding, patience and love with me and I give that back to him. We are growing up together and for now everything looks very positive. In my eyes, we are right on track.

I want to thank everyone again for contributing to this thread...I value all of you ad your opinions and experience very much.

Big hugs,

Natalie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good on ya for on realising what a bad idea it would be. All I want to add in addition to what other poster's have already said is this:

Imagine the following scenario:

You get pregnant / have the baby and he leaves you anyway? What if his feelings for you change over time, or he feels trappped, you'll be the one left holding the baby. A baby is not just a baby, it's a whole new human being who will need your care for at least the next 18 years. Would you end up resenting the baby 'cause it didn't work out as you'd planned, and he left you anyway? It could potentially backfire on you. You don't want to bring another human being into this world under these circumstances.

Good to hear that the voice urging you to do this is now silent. Take it slowly, step by step, and have babies when the time is right ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

AJasmine:

Yes, I know it. Having children should be a mutual decision made by two people who are willing and able to make the sacrifice and long term commitment. I wouldn't want to screw up my one chance to start a family the right way. I'm so glad this has passed.

Thanks again for your reply.

Natalie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

All I can say is DON'T DO IT!!!! Yeah, I'm being mean and judgemental... Why? Because I did it! Yeah, when I was 20 yrs old, I got pregnant on purpose so that guy I loved would not leave me. It worked..... at least in the short-term. We got married and everything. Then, on my daughter's first birthday, he left me for another woman. What's worse? He even took custody of our daughter. Yeah, it fucked me up. I don't even have memories from that period of my life. I have totally blocked it out because it was SO painful.... losing the man I loved & the baby, too. I wish I could go back in time & tell my 20-year-old self, "DON'T DO IT!!!!" I would have spared myself an incredible amount of pain...... That pain is with me every single day, too.... every day I miss my little girl.

I was just SO desparate.... He was the only "family" I ever knew.... The only love I ever felt... I loved everything about him. I loved his family. His mom was like the mom I never had. I was so scared of losing him..... I was SO DESPARATE.... So, I got pregnant. It was the worst mistake of my life..... It caused me more pain that I have ever known.... ever. It still causes me pain to this day & he left me almost 9 years ago.

DON'T DO IT!!!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

All I can say is DON'T DO IT!!!! Yeah, I'm being mean and judgemental... Why? Because I did it! Yeah, when I was 20 yrs old, I got pregnant on purpose so that guy I loved would not leave me. It worked..... at least in the short-term. We got married and everything. Then, on my daughter's first birthday, he left me for another woman. What's worse? He even took custody of our daughter. Yeah, it fucked me up. I don't even have memories from that period of my life. I have totally blocked it out because it was SO painful.... losing the man I loved & the baby, too. I wish I could go back in time & tell my 20-year-old self, "DON'T DO IT!!!!" I would have spared myself an incredible amount of pain...... That pain is with me every single day, too.... every day I miss my little girl.

I was just SO desparate.... He was the only "family" I ever knew.... The only love I ever felt... I loved everything about him. I loved his family. His mom was like the mom I never had. I was so scared of losing him..... I was SO DESPARATE.... So, I got pregnant. It was the worst mistake of my life..... It caused me more pain that I have ever known.... ever. It still causes me pain to this day & he left me almost 9 years ago.

DON'T DO IT!!!!!

((((SillyMe))))) <---- Hugs, if okay.

I'm so sorry about what you went through. Yes, it is a bad idea. It's not something I think I would ever do, but that voice in my head was getting loud. Posting here about the way I was feeling definitely helped to silence that voice.

Again, I'm so sorry you went through that...I cannot imagine how that must feel.

Nat

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...