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Death by Suicide


Loon-A-TiK

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;) i never expected to find my dad dead in the middle of the living room floor, after an overdoes of his crazymeds.

he took a part of my soul with him, a part of who i am, that's the only way i can descrbe it.

i've talked about it here on the boards before, telling suicidal people not to do it because of how much it will hurt their families.

have any of you lost someone really close to you to suicide? what kind of feelings did you go through? how did you make it through? how are you doing now?

just curious.

loon

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Last July my 1/2 brother jumped in front of a car and offed himself.

I can't say I was real close to him because he used to beat me and blame it on his "alcoholism". So his suicide was good thing. The first thing I did once my mom died was get rid of every photograph and shrine she had all over this godforsaken house that she had dedicated to him.

Sorry I can't relate.

Death really doesn't mean that much to me.

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My grandfather killed himself after he was paralyzed by a cyst on his spine. He was fiercely independent. It was his own damn fault in a way. He could afford health insurance but refused to pay for it because he thought they were all a bunch of crooks. Everyone says I take after him. I think they expect me to go the same way too.

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My mother killed herself by pills when I was 19. That was in 1978. I took the blame for the next 4 yrs. I felt that I could have "saved" her. She was 45 at the time. I always believed that if I made it to 45, I had it licked. Couple of times I almost didn't make it. I had to see the Social Security psych doc 2 yrs ago and when I mentioned my Mom, he said "Are you trying to follow in her footsteps?" Yeah, like I really asked for this shit. If it wasn't for my kids and grandson, I'd already be gone.

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VE- from what i gather, you have a totally different mindset. you're not here because you want to kill yourself. support group forums are a way of reaching out, not withdrawing from it all into some void.

K- i'm sorry about your mother. we have a lot in common that we blame ourselves. i'm only 2 1/2 years into it and i still blame myself. what could i/should i/would have i done, if and if and if??? hopefully i'll be able to put those ghosts to rest and make peace with myself and my own life. he was 46. it is VERY GOOD that you're here, that you're here in a support group forum, and that you're living, if not for yourself, then for others. the reason i'm here is that i could never put someone i love through the pain i've endured because of my father's choice. you probably feel the same way.

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we are sorry for every ones lost we are thinking about you

we can never imaged what the pain is to lose a love one to suicide but we know the pain of almost losing our father who tried to end his own life but he is still here and hasn't tried to do it again

yet we live in fear that he will again

we are thinking of you all

The Collective

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  • 2 weeks later...

My brother in law killed himself 2 months before our wedding 16 years ago. He was 21 and stuck a rifle in his mouth. It was horrible because he was such a shy, handsome young man who was feeling lost and directionless in life. I was just getting to know him. The worst part about it was when I had to tell my fiance what happened. There's no easy way to do that. I devoted the next several years to understanding suicide. The biggest lesson is that suicide is almost never a casual decision and he had probably thought about it for a long time. This makes it easier for the survivors as there's no point in searching for the event that triggered the suicide.

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rog-

i'm sorry for your loss. he must have been very depressed to not even call out for help. i've read that women are much more likely to go to the hospital when they feel suicidal and men are much more likely to just kill themselves. in both of our cases, i wish the men in our lives would have chosen the hospital.

my dad and i were gardening the day before, calmly discussing what i'd do with his finances while he was in prison, and i told him i'd take care of him when he was released. it didn't seem like he had any plan to kill himself-

it just takes that decision and action to break apart our worlds.

i hope they didn't suffer physically.

i had a thead once on teh BP board about how i feel like a murderer because i didn't see the signs and didn't do what i could/should/would have done for him to save him.

but the determined will anyway...

i just carry it with me and as i said in my thread, until the day i die i will question my actions.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My maternal uncle jumped off a cliff when i was about 3 or 4. I can't even imagine the pain my mother, her sisters and there parents must have gone through. My uncle was in his 20's i think. He probably suffered from depression but he never sought help for it.

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OMG- that's horrible- what a terrible way to go! he must have really been hurting inside.

there is so much stigma towards MI, i think even MI sufferers feel ashamed of themselves and don't seek treatment. hopefully the world has become more enlightened since then and if he were here today, he'd be getting the proper treatment.

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My mother, age 29, shot herself in the heart when I was 10. She was an alcoholic. I remember that she loved me but she was crazy as a loon, maybe bipolar or shiz. She was also beautiful and I loved her much. I don't remember crying much. I remember the pain that she was in. I don't ever want to kill myself. The pain to my two boys would be too much. Interesting thoughts....

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that's how i feel, sunshineoutside, that i could never put anyone else through the pain i've been through. i've lost some of my own heart and soul, and i'll never be the "me" i was before. i go around blaming myself for "letting" it happen and i know it isn't right, but i do it anyway. i'm haunted by it and suppose i always will be.

do you feel that way? do you feel in any way responsible, or like you should have seen the signs, or just that you were too young to conceptualize it? no matter what you think, i think that 10 is too young to understand that kind of thing. that is so tragic. how did you grow up without a mom?

it is a great thing that you know your kids need you. live for them, if not for yourself.

loon

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I never felt responsible for her death, I'm not sure why. At age ten, I was aware that she was very sick. I grew up with my grandmother. I've always thought that I survived O.K. I was busy getting through school, establishing a career, and having a family. I had my first disabling depression when I was age 23 as a post-partum depression after delivering twin boys but it cleared in 3 weeks with Prozac. I was O.K. on antidepressants until a few years ago when I was diagnosed with treatment resistant, Bipolar II, rapid cycling, anxiety disorder. I lost my career and home. The boys went to live with their dad a year and 1/2 ago. That has been hard on us all. But the boys are graduating from high school and going on to college this year. God, I hope they are O.K. They have seen me at my worst. We have talked about things as I have gotten better and they seem O.K. We continue to talk about the illness. About a week, one of my sons asked me if I would ever committ suicide. I quickly said no. I plan to talk with them more, maybe with a therapist. I'm rambling. Thanks for sharing. :-)

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  • 1 year later...

What do you do if the thoughts tell you that they wil get over it and go on with their lives? I have three children and I know it would hurt them terribly but they would learn to live without me. They live without me now, so whats the difference?

Thats what I think. They could go to counciling and learn to cope with the pain.

I want to hang on for somethng, but all the reasons are slipping. At least dealth by suicide would be one final pain, not a string of constant pain like they are in now.

I wish I could at least hold on so as not to hurt them again. But I have caused so much pain and trauma already it just seems like its unfair to continue to cause more and more pain.

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Selene, I've only had one person close to me commit suicide, and it was a long time before I "got over it" and got on with my life. This was a boyfriend, not my mother. I think that your children would be devastated and would think they did something wrong. A parent's suicide when you're young just reverberates throughout your life.

It would be terrible pain for all of them to bear. I hope you will hang on and keep trying to stay alive.

olga

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Please call your pdoc or tdoc, or if it is urgent, go to the ER. Your meds are not doing what they need to be doing. A death by suicide is not "one final pain". It's repeated pain every time they think of you for years, if not forever. Killing yourself will make things worse for your children, not better.

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Please call your pdoc or tdoc, or if it is urgent, go to the ER. Your meds are not doing what they need to be doing. A death by suicide is not "one final pain". It's repeated pain every time they think of you for years, if not forever. Killing yourself will make things worse for your children, not better.

Resonance is right, of course, and I should have also urged you to call your pdoc or tdoc, or just go to the ER and tell them you are suicidal.

olga

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Selene,

I lost my mom to suicide. It's been 12 years. I will never get over it. i wake up every day. i go on with my life. but there is a wound inside of me that will never fully heal. my mother and i had a shitty relationship. but when she killed herself, she also killed the hope that one day we could work through it, and come to a place of some healing. as long as you are breathing, there is hope. and hope is a tremendous thing to have to hold on to. please hang in there, and contact your support systems ... and let us know how you are doing.

happy new year. you know, this one could be better after all.

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  • 4 weeks later...

What do you do if the thoughts tell you that they wil get over it and go on with their lives? I have three children and I know it would hurt them terribly but they would learn to live without me. They live without me now, so whats the difference?

Thats what I think. They could go to counciling and learn to cope with the pain.

I want to hang on for somethng, but all the reasons are slipping. At least dealth by suicide would be one final pain, not a string of constant pain like they are in now.

I wish I could at least hold on so as not to hurt them again. But I have caused so much pain and trauma already it just seems like its unfair to continue to cause more and more pain.

I can totally relate. That is me. I don't really want to die as much as I simply want the pain and hurt to go away. I don't see a way out of the mess I have made out of my life. I feel guilt and shame for the things I have done and I have not been able to make the pain go away...and as I hit my middle age years, the feelings only intensify. I feel I am losing the will to be hopeful...and in the process, I am bringing my loved ones down with me. In my mind, I am a problem....a drain to those in my life and so for me to no longer be here would actually be a "relief"....for both me and them. I even look for "signs" that my kids would be able to accept it and to move on.

I know that is not rational...and that in killing myself, it would greatly affect those in my life in a negative way. But the feeling to suicide is always within me.

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