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My 8 y.o. is having big problems


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OK, I started having mental problems in kindergarten. I thought that if my daughter had issues I would be much better equipped to handle the situation, especially from an empathetic point of view. I was wrong.

I can clarify things if needed but here's the situation in a nutshell.

My daughter has always had some problems. Her mom and I divorced when she was 1 1/2. Potty training was late. She got diagnosed with ADHD at 7. She is 8 now. She also seems to have 2 personalities. I knew because of my MI I knew I would have to work harder to be a good parent. I did a lot of research and applied myself. Now there is this situation where she is an angel with me (at least most of the time) and she behaves very badly to her mom and stepdad, especially the stepdad. She can be downright vicious.

Discipline doesn't work. I've used positive reinforcement up until now. Negative doesn't work at all. You can remove priveledges, you can ground her, take toys, tv, etc and it doesn't phase her. She gets really worried about what I think, (we are "best buddies") but could care less about her mom and stepdad. In fact, the only time she cooperates with them is when I stess with her that she needs to.

tHey are not bad parents either and I'm on good terms with my ex and her husband.

Now she is being written up left and right at school for discipline issues. She acts out, defies the teacher, etc. She is becoming very manipulative, trying to play me against her other parents and her teacher. I feel like I'm undersating the issues here. It's one thing to type about it and another to live with it. it really is severe.

We also believe she may be dyslexic. she shows all of the hallmark symptoms.

Her mom and I have relented to having her see a child sych. I hate it though. When I was her age I saw them and it made things worse in my opinion. I don't want to see her go down the same path I did.

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One thing you might want to do is to find a good "play therapist" or a psychologist that engages in "play therapy". She may communicate better that way. It may be less of a behavioral issue than a communication issue? Her rages may be meltdowns because she isn't understanding and they aren't understanding. But she may not have the same communication problems with you, therefore no meltdowns?

I may just be projecting my own situation w/my niece though. because we have the same problem between her and her parents and normal teachers as opposed to me and her sped teacher. Me and her sped teacher we communicate better (the 3 of us) than with the NTs. It's hard to explain.

Sorry I'm not much help. But my niece (and me too) get a lot of help from the therapist through the play therapy. Talk therapy would be pointless.

BTW, we (my niece and I) are both autistic and bipolar.

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One thing you might want to do is to find a good "play therapist" or a psychologist that engages in "play therapy". She may communicate better that way. It may be less of a behavioral issue than a communication issue? Her rages may be meltdowns because she isn't understanding and they aren't understanding. But she may not have the same communication problems with you, therefore no meltdowns?

I may just be projecting my own situation w/my niece though. because we have the same problem between her and her parents and normal teachers as opposed to me and her sped teacher. Me and her sped teacher we communicate better (the 3 of us) than with the NTs. It's hard to explain.

Sorry I'm not much help. But my niece (and me too) get a lot of help from the therapist through the play therapy. Talk therapy would be pointless.

BTW, we (my niece and I) are both autistic and bipolar.

ditto. i had meltdowns with my mother constantly but rarely with the father. he and i communicate better. and considering the abuse was fairly equal on both sides, it was definitely a communication issue.

and, i don't think seeing a child psych will hurt. if it seems to be making the situation worse, or you don't approve of what he saying or doing, you can take her out. but on the chance that you can find out what's going on with her, it is worth trying i think. just keep a very close eye on it!! ditto also on play therapy if you think communication is the problem.

good luck. i think you must be a pretty good parent to know your history and therefore be keeping a close eye on your child to make sure she is better taken care of than you were!!

abifae

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Sorry, but it is impossible for people on the internet to know what is going on with your daughter. Children who are having difficulties mostly act out for their parents and not outside people. If you are the one outside of the living arangements then you are the "fun" dad. The person who is the one who won't leave a child is the one who gets the negative behaviour (unless there is no attachment with parents at all). If a child is doing really poorly he/she will act out everywhere. Of course if somebody has a better relationship with a child then the child will be happier with that person. And you are the biological dad and she must know this or sense this and that can contribute to her getting along with you. Can you teach her mom some of the communication skills that work well between the two of you?

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THanks for your replies.

I do have one advantage over her momand her stepdad. I don't work. I consider raising her to be my job. On weekdays I pick her up from school and drop her off when her mom gets home around 6:00. I take her overnight every other weekend. Now it's not all fun and games. We do homework before play. If there is a discipline issue, it's addressed.

Not working is both an advantage and a disadvantage. I get a lot of quality time with her. On the other hand I can't use me as an example (I had a lot of the same issues she's beginning to have) because I live with parents, can't work and smoke heavily. I don't want her to think that's OK. I want her to strive for something better.

As far as communication goes, I do communicate better with her. Her mother means well but is a bit pendantic. Her stepdad tries but he has a short fuse and he and my daughter end up having a lot of shouting matches. THey are not abusive, there has never been capital punishments like spanking or anything like that. I've pushed the idea of Love and Logic parenting but they never have the time.

As far as therapy goes, when i was a kid I just told them what they wanted to hear. I just feel she'll do the same thing. We are going to have her see one, none the less.

her manipulation and lying is the scariest thing. She is so absolutely believable. when she does something wrong she never takes the blame. it's always something or somebody else, and she sticks to her story to the death. I want her to be able to tell me anything but trust is becoming a huge issue.

I don't know how to deal with these problems. I'm not trying to raise her on this forum. advice is appreciated but mostly I just need to rant.

I love my daughter dearly and just want the best for her. She is literally my only reason for living.

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My boy is 12 now and the one thing that made life easier was for his mother and I to be on the same page. It's great that you have a good relationship with her. Difficult kids need to be treated differently. Most parents won't be able to relate to your problems. There are some very good books out there. One that helped us a great deal was the explosive child by Ross Greene.

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She is so absolutely believable. when she does something wrong she never takes the blame. it's always something or somebody else, and she sticks to her story to the death.

Wow..this sounds like my girlfriend's son. He turned out to be schitzoeffective. His therapist was awesome and seeing her did him a world of good.

Regardless of what your daughter's issue is, a good therapist can help...just keep an eye on things to make sure it really IS a good therapist.

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really really

trust me

look for a good play therapist

other than that what everyone else is saying regarding therapists

they don't make them like they use to

and that's a good thang

so don't rehash your nightmare therapist unwittingly on her

you are there to help her right

so...she has a much better chance @ being heard than you did

but ya know the shouting matches

that's totally unacceptable

I know you have no control over their household

but you can speak up for your daughter

and make damn sure X's DH now gets the help he needs

so that he doesn't fall into the trap of

being triggered by your daughter's baiting

she's prob got more matzy than stepdad IMO

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