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Two unrelated events...


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The more I read the more I discover the less I know.

I don't see my tdoc until Tuesday and could use some perspective now. We have discussed my PTSD but like everything else not enough.

I was physically abused while growing up. Got to the point where I could disassociate myself from the abuse and not feel the pain. Neat trick. Except now pain doesn't bother me at all. But the spaced out feeling while it was happening is a scary/comfortable place in my head.

Fast forward 20 years, 1994, living on Guam with my preggers wife. Eating dinner and we are interupted by an 8.2 eartquake. 8pointfucking2. Scariest fucking thing ever. Goes on for 66 seconds. When the earth finally stops I have gone "tharn". Out of my body. The power is out, 90 degrees and 98% humidity and it is getting dark. And I am gone. My wife is perfectly calm, we are not hurt. But I can't get my shit together. I pick up our 5kW generator and carry it around like a bag of graceries. Thing weighs 150 pounds full of fuel. The next day I can't lift it. I hadn't disassociated myself since I was 15, the last time my old man took the belt to my bare skin.

Eleven years later still and I can think of those two events and I am gone. Heart rate up, sweats, general feeling of terror. The more I talk about it the worse it gets. I seem to be able to write about it with relative ease. In therapy I have tried to get it out in the open but feel numb when I get close to...whatever it is.

Sorry to waste space and time just rambling on. i don't know what I am looking for or if I really want to find it.

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Hi, One BB!

I don't really have any answers, but I wanted you to know that you were "heard."

But I do know the feeling of being there in body but not in mind...no pain, an almost ghostly feeling of being beyond it.

Just a thought, but I was struck by a sense of the violence in your history and the earthquake event...sudden, severe, and totally unexpected. I would still be surprised when I would get a hit from Granddad, even when he was drunk and going after one of us. And if he stayed with me (hitting), I would zone out also. Later it was the same with my mother...

Maybe you are getting close to some kind of break through? And you may be fighting it...either way, it's probably heading your way--that discovery/mystery is going to come out and it's one hell of a scary thing.

Ramble as much as you want...there is wisdom in your words and you will find it. Good luck, 1bb

Spike

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BB- I hear you too. I learned early on, to survive, I went somewhere else. My favorite place is in a book. But I would totally "shut down". I don't knwo iif that is the same as dissociation, but I don't do it anymor. Actually, sometimes I do. Melissa

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Thanks you guys. I feel like I am close to something. My Spidey Sense is tingling, knowwhatimean?

Could be fighting it, breakthroughs have not been pleasant for me. They say that giving birth is a beautiful thing. BS. It is a violent, bloody terrifying event and no one is left unchanged by it. Whether it be a child, and idea, or a psychological epiphany.

Bring it on! WOO HOO 

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You know something, hearing/reading your story kinda reminds me of my anxiety attacks.  I'm beginning to wonder if my attacks are basically just my way of dissociation reminders.  I always said, I felt like I wasn't there, like I'm a ghost just walking around from room to room.  They're scary, yet at the same time, I almost feel a sense of peace.  I have to wonder, as a child, did I do the same thing when my mother used to beat the shit out of me.  Damn, I have some serious issues to still tap into.  Years of therapy and I still haven't touched the stuff I need to.  I don't know....it's all so strange.  I have parts of my childhood that I don't remember.  They're almost like dreams.  Did I hide them in the deepest part of my brain?  I'm taking big guess here, that yes, that's exactly what I did.  There's so much stuff that happened to me when I was a kid that still feels like they were just dreams.  And when I talk about them, I almost feel like I'm lying about them...you know what I mean. Oh, you're just making that up, that really didn't happen.  It was just a dream.  Was it?  The whole dissociation thing really makes sense though.  Maybe that's why the anxiety attacks scare me.  Because they remind me of my past.  Damn, that's pretty deep shit, Elizabeth.  Now I'm the one who's rambling.

Elizabeth

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Thanks you guys. I feel like I am close to something. My Spidey Sense is tingling, knowwhatimean?

Could be fighting it, breakthroughs have not been pleasant for me. They say that giving birth is a beautiful thing. BS. It is a violent, bloody terrifying event and no one is left unchanged by it. Whether it be a child, and idea, or a psychological epiphany.

Bring it on! WOO HOO

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Eleven years later still and I can think of those two events and I am gone. Heart rate up, sweats, general feeling of terror. The more I talk about it the worse it gets. I seem to be able to write about it with relative ease. In therapy I have tried to get it out in the open but feel numb when I get close to...whatever it is.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It is not unusual to have had one truama sometime in life and then experience a second (or 3rd, or 4th) trauma that brings up the old feelings and memories from the first trauma. Multiple traumas can lead to complex PSTD. The same reacions that you experinced with a first trauma occur again and are often magnified. Thinking about trauma(s), dealing with them in therapy is hard work but it is also the only way to break through the problem. It seems bassawkwards that to keep bringing up and reliving the old memories again and again will help, but that is exactly what does help with PTSD. You tell your story, explore what memories of the event that you can agai, and again and eventually the memories have less of a hold over you, and you gain power over the effect the meories are going to have on you.

Erika

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